2012年2月28日 T4T: "Just whispers...

that wait for you to sleep

And when you dream,
We'll come for you and breathe in your pain"

 "Gimme a pack of that then." 

"The wrong word
When you cry,
I will be" -
voices in my dream

 Over the past 2 or 5 days I have been feeling arthritic pain that sucks terribly. Of course drinking again hasn't helped, and my knee has made me feel miserable. Knee in pain, pain beyond the physical, boredom, and my heart and sole. Maybe it's because of the cheap shoes? Maybe I need a more expensive pair to support my knee and sole. Maybe it's all the nightmares. Maybe it's the dreams I'm having: the ones I can't talk about.

***

Today in class I felt like I was the only one on top. I was fucking king. 

So far all A's on everything, and I'm even able to address some third year material as well, since I'm sitting in on a few classes.

In my first year class today everyone took 300 seconds longer than I did to finish a simple review task. A FUCKING REVIEW. No shit. This review stuff was 3rd or 4th week material OF LAST TERM. I sat there in total boredom. Of course I know boredom in disappointment leads to more disappointment when you have no one else around to keep up with you. It also can lead to unconscious resentment and fucked up viewpoints of entitlement.

It's depressing for me because as I advance I have a feeling that again I will have no counsel on certain issues.

Thankfully whatever resentment I have is conscious, towards myself, and at the immediate moment I have zero-entitlement outside of beer, air, and sleep.

Browsing around I saw a January 1st post on another person's blog.

It said, 

"If you find you don't reflect, resolve and renew at the conclusion of every day of the year, why bother doing so on day# 365?"

I read that, smiling as much as my PVNS does when its feeling good and I'm not. I heard more lyrics over my headphones from I Still Remember,

I remember 

I can't sleep 
All your words 
Seem to let me down

I will have something to help me stop the dreams.

It's impossible to forget somethings.
It's impossible to forget the things we value so much.
It makes sense now that I'm confirming this Sunday.