2012年6月3日 Colors

Orange peel sun.
Purple silhouette hills.
Blue cotton-candy skies.
Cut every which way by gold film.

The sun finally sinks
down onto the purple hills,
resting itself for the evening.

Once the night comes
I see the cynical nihilism.
It comes out too.

Nightmares grow,
like wild weeds.
I can hear their trilling.

The trilling has its own color.
Crows don't fly near it.
You feel it's brown
leathery texture rubbing
your inner-ear drums.

It's terrible.
Our only reaction
is to keep our eyes open.
Praying that the colors
of orange peels will come back.

It's warmth, lost in the evening
Only to come back again.

2012年5月17日 Castles, houses, and bodies

Uwajima-jo
(Uwajima Castle)
Quite modest

For a long time I have wanted to build a castle. Sometimes I've given up on that dream, but I still go back to that dream. Whether it's a small castle or Japanese yagura (castle keep) sized structure, I will make sure this dream becomes a reality or die trying.

Our own health, be it mental or emotional, is like a building. We can be grand, with kingly halls, wide with great open spaces, or a garage. The former while probably beautiful, might have nothing  inside, whereas the garage may be filled with all kinds of exotic things. One honestly has to figure out how far one is willing to go for X or Y thing, stuff, feeling, emotion, experiences, and/or intelligence. But let's be honest, we know it's easy to manufacture a house (a life) quickly and cheaply. 

Some people might say that manufactured houses are convenient and comfortable, which they are in a fleeting way. Kind of like swimming in a shallow pool: it will never offer the depth and richness of what the ocean offers. Of course the ocean also has it's own price-tag: it's fucking dangerous, has sharks, and hundreds of thousands of garbage, animal semen, real seamen, and annoying fucking tourists.

So, is a manufactured house for me?

No thanks.

For you?

I have no idea.

I'm hiring this guy for
the construction

When it comes to building oneself on the inside or building something on the outside, it's important, extremely important that one makes sure he or she is using the right tools, resources, and efficient labor. Yes, it might be expensive, but we're talking about one's own life. And life happens to be the home for one's character. With cheap and inexpensive products, while convenient and quickly accomplishing a structure still doesn't help a person in the long run, unless they have zero expectations. That means being happy or sad is trivial, but within that kind of mentality why would anyone choose to build THEIR home or dream in such a manner? Committing to a cause or an idea is not something anyone can do without expectations.

We've heard someone fantasizing before, in one form or another, but usually it sounds like this,

"I want to be an gold medal Olympian, but I don't want to work that hard (make those kind of sacrifices etc....)". 

These kinds of people have already committed towards giving up. In fact just fantasizing about the gold medal and not even pursuing is worse than masturbation, - though with I see nothing wrong with real masturbation, so long as people admit to knowing that they're just fucking themselves, which is what masturbation is! But I'm starting to ramble a bit...

Where does this kind of mentality come from? I think it comes from examples like this one, 

"Maybe I should give my seat up for that old person?" 

I'm sure you've thought about something like that before, and then same voice - hopefully your own - commends you for being a good person for having that thought of kindness, even though you did absolutely nothing. 

This kind of action is also done with people trying to lose weight, "I'm working on losing weight!" or "I'm going on a diet!" As soon as the dieter hears, "Good for you!" or "Keep it up!" they pretty much yield to the compliment as if they've really accomplished something, when in reality they've just opened their mouth, which may also explain how they became over-weight.

Another problem is that we - yes, I'm also included in we, - seem to ignore (or forget) that our individual needs. These needs often must be met by specific resources. Food in a sense is a more basic aspect of this concept. If you don't eat, your house (as your body) gets weak, shoddy, and very well may end up dilapidated. If you eat too much, or fill your house with useless things you take room away from nutrients you need and from people who love you.

So why don't we really take more time with ourselves? Looking for our own individual parts, looking for the correct laborers before we build ourselves up? For me I constantly have to add, subtract, multiply, divide, rebuild and look at and for new solutions. I almost never find myself completely content, and when I do it just seems like I'm ignoring reality. The latter of that is especially true for me when I'm happy in a relationship, I seem to ignore everything/something is wrong and/or could go wrong, because I'm high as the sky on rainbows and love. But we all know the "The Winner Loses" (see Body Count), especially if we're trying to be higher than the sky.

No one gets in for free. 

No house worth spending the rest of one's life in should be built with shoddy craftsmanship, especially when we're our own foreman and laborer! No one gets to get in for free, as even we have our own price tags on and with ourselves. Even more so when the house is our soul. 

No one gets in for free, as we can only make so many seats, beds, and rooms in our own "house." Hold tight, and never givin' up is one way. The wise will tell you too that it is never easy. If it were easy, you took short-cuts. Why would you want to take short cuts on materials when building your own house?

As for real modern castles, over the past 5 years I have been enjoying the construction details of Dupont Castle, as seen here http://www.dupontcastle.com/

2012年3月24日 Oh Henry....

HENRY (FUCK YES) ROLLINS

Henry Rollins is a sweet bad-ass motherfucker. Even with Black Flag, Rollins in his own band or as a speaker is just awesome. But that's not what I'm going to talk about today.

Once a friend told me something important about an ex-gf I had in Japan. I had just been jilted by the ex and was so confused, in fact I was so fucked emotionally I wasn't able to believe or comprehend she was able to jilt me after doing nice things with me within two weeks before she left. So basically my friend of mine was like, "Dude, just get over the bitch." But I couldn't, because I literally wasn't able to look at her actions as foul-able. That was a mistake.

I guess I wasn't able to hold her responsible for hurting me since I was in blind-idiot-YOU-FUCKED-MY-HEART-YOU-FUCKING-CUNT-HOLE-BITCH-YOU-FUCKING-LIAR!-love with her. Maybe I thought she was too special to have fucked me over. Maybe. Even when I was confused emotionally, I wasn't able to get angry. Later on in life I realized she never really loved me, except when she was riding my hips. Now I can say with a smile on my face, "Fuck you you gook-eyed liar!" But seriously, I wish her well with- whatever... No, in actual seriousness I don't even waste my time wishing her well, I have other shit to worry about.

But anyway, today I read an email that included the (Henry) Rollins Band song Liar, and it reminded me of that ex within seconds. I'm sure we've all faced liars, or worse we ended up being one at one point or another, either with someone or with ourselves. It's a shame I didn't hear this the day after she broke up with me, it probably would have helped. Who knows?

Lyrics:

You think you're going to live your life alone
In darkness and seclusion
Yeah, I know
You've been out there
And tried to mix with those animals
And it just left you full of humiliated confusion

So you stagger back home and wait for nothing
But the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets
And now you're desperate
And in need of human contact
And then you meet me
And your whole world changes
Because everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear
So you drop all you defenses
And you drop all your fears
And you trust me completely
I'm perfect in every way
Cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside
You feel so lucky
But your ego obscures reality
That you never bothered to
Wonder why things are going so well
You want to know why?

CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
YEAH, I'M A LIAR!
I'LL RIP YOUR MIND OUT
I'LL BURN YOUR SOUL!
I'll turn you into me
I'll turn you into me
CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
A LIAR!
A LIAR, A LIAR!

I'll hide behind a smile
And understanding eyes
And I'll tell you things that you already know
So you can say
I really identify with you, so much
And all the time that you're needing me
Is just the time that I'm bleeding you...
DON'T YOU GET IT YET?
I'll come to you like an affliction
But I'll leave you like an addiction
You'll never forget me
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
YEAH, I'M A LIAR!
I'LL RIP YOUR MIND OUT
I'LL BURN YOUR SOUL!
I'll turn you into me
I'll turn you into me
CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
A LIAR!
LIAR, LIAR, LIAR LIAR!

I don't know why I feel the need to lie
And cause you so much pain
Maybe it's something inside
Maybe it's something I can't explain
Cause all I do
Is mess you up and lie to you
I'm a liar...
Ohh, I am a liar...

But if you'll give just one more chance
I swear I'll never lie to you again
Cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,
They're stronger than truth
I can't believe I ever hurt you...
I swear I will never lie to you again
Please just give me more chance,
I'll never lie to you again, no,
I swear, I will never tell a lie,
I will never tell a lie
I will never tell a lie
No...
NO...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

SUCKER!
SUCKER!
SUCKER!

I AM A LIAR!
YEAH, I AM A LIAR!
YEAH!
I like it...
I feel good
Ohh, I am a liar
YEAH!
I LIE!
I LIE!
OHH, I LIE!
I'll lie again...
And again...
I'll lie again and again
and I'll keep lying...

I PROMISE.

2012年3月4日 It's okay: l'chaim

B''H
The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb the steps everyday.

It's okay to have a family.
It's okay to be together.

It's okay to be happy.

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay to be alive.

It's okay to be here.

It's okay to be there.

It's okay.

It's "To life," even though we can mean "for life." if we wanted to see it that way.

Yee-haw! 

It was a very emotional experience.

2011年12月17日 Finding stuff in books

I don't own either of these, but on a little strip of paper I found the following in a book about thoughts on conducting oneself in the Way of the samurai.

From that piece of paper:

Love Looks Beyond

You look at me and see my flaws;
I look at you and see flaws, too.
Those who love, know love deserves
a second glance; each failure serves
another chance.

Love looks to see,
beyond the scars and flaws, the cause;
and scars become and honorable badge
of battles fought and won - or lost -
but fought! The product, not the cost,
is what love sought.

God help us see beyond the now
to the before,
and note with tenderness
what lies between
-and love the more!

The only thing left to do
when The Fail has reached its
zenith!

And the passage next to the place-holding-strip-of-paper in the book was the following:

In the judgment of elders, a samurai's obstinacy should be excessive. A thing done with moderation may later be judged to be insufficient. I have heard that when one thinks he has gone too far, he will not have erred. This sort of rule should not be forgotten.

 Such is the advice of Hagakure.

2011年11月10日 Eating alone

I hate eating alone. Look at those two over there.

Look at them.
I don't like how they stop smiling

when they look at me.

Reminding me that I'm eating alone.
Are they frowning at me 

because I'm sitting alone? 

I hate this. 

Why did they bother? 

To stop smiling?

The food is tasting less and less 

like food everyday. 

Would company change that?
I hate sitting here, 

this is taking too long. 

Take a bite. 

Okay.
Now, get up 

and walk around. 

Okay.
Eat and move. 

Wait what? That's what people do

when they're rushed in life!

Sit down 

and enjoy the meal. 

But I'll be sitting alone. 

Oh, I hate this. 

I need to distract myself while eating.
Huddle in front of the computer. 

Huddle in front of the TV.
Don't waste time thinking 

about the food you prepared, 

it's not going to give you any compliments.
Wait who is that? 

Isn't she in your class? 

I bet she's a bitch. 

Look how she doesn't smile.
How can she look unhappy 

and look so well? 

I bet she eats alone too! 

Maybe not in person, 

but certainly

in that ice-box, 

called a heart of hers. 

What about your ice-box? 

I keep the liquor there, 

it keeps me from thinking about 

being alone. 

Oh! But what to do?! 

 I'm here outside alone! 

Children are coming!
Watching their incredulous faces mutating 

at everything they look at! 

It distracts me so! 

This is wonderful! 

I can see the magic

it's on their faces, 

and I can looked incredulously too! 

Oh, wait now, wait now! Don't go! Damnit, look how they

all hold hands with nice uniformity, 

as if they're little ducklings following a mother goose 

who in actuality is a semi-chubby hipster, leading them away. 

Oh damn it! 

You're alone again.

Stop thinking those things.

Parve tuna, 

talk to me. 

Relish, you too, 

talk to me. 

You taste kind of sweet. 

But now, bland. 

No, you're bland! And the banality 

of your incredible ability to ramble 

is giving me mercury poisoning!

Why couldn't I be a carrot?!  

Silence relish! 

Oh how I relish, 

in silencing relish.

Eating alone, oh, 

I hate this. 

I have to sit alone 

to eat alone, 

and live alone 

to eat alone?

How can anyone do this 

for such a long time? 

How can anyone 

want to do this?
Who is that, over there? 

Why do they look on 

the ground for such a long time?
Has their neck broken 

into this downward position? 

Did they cower 

for such a long time 

it is now stuck?

I see a woman, or girl rather, 

with blonde hair. 

It looks like fine strands of silk, 

evenly cut. Oh! Oh!
I would skip eating lunch 

altogether to touch 

and compliment it! 

Wa-wait!

Her eyes look down, 

but they look forward. 

How do you do that?
Why do you do that?!

I suppose she is,
eating lunch alone too.

2011年11月3日 Lemme show you a trick...

So I'm reading the news, which as everyone knows has more spam and ads than porn. Unfortunately, porn ads are generally what we want, which is porn. Yet when I'm reading the news and I see the following, I'm kind of disturbed.
Click read more, it's safe for work.

2011年10月22日 The nights on Night

Maybe tonight, I will go for a drive? And take in the Night?
It calls me these days. It misses me, and I miss it.
It asks me not to drink. It asks me not to smoke.
And so I try to do less. And I try to do none at all.
And nothing is easy when you do it alone, nothing at all.
Sometimes it asks me things, and tells me things.

And yet, it leaves with the coming specters of colored dark shades.
It leaves with the purple, and the marmalade colors of orange in yellow.
It leaves with the pink. Oh the pink!
It's so pretty in pink. But it leaves me at times
To deal with itself, in the night. In the dark
Just as I deal with myself.
Could I bring tonight to Night?

And the Night comes for me everyday.
And sometimes it wants to talk to me without words.
And I talk to it, with the windows down and the radio on as I drive.
I looked at the stars, and I saw three of them.

I knew the Night was calling.
I knew the Night was young,
And yet as soon as it would begin
it would be old. But as it got old,
I loved it more. I loved its sincerity.
And I did not want to go away.

I did not want to go back to sleep.
I prayed for wings.

I did not need the sleep,
the wings, ideas of escape.
I could put on airs about myself and others with words.
I could hide away in the night. I could hide in the day.
The Night could hide away in the night. It could hide away in itself.
Just like I could. Just like we could.

But when it was done. And I step out of the car, I would still hear,
I would still hear the Night and see the night.
And I would still be myself.
And myself was telling me to do another lap, to continue driving.
To continue thinking.
To continue wondering about the maker of the night.
The Night and I thought about God, who created the light.
Maybe the Night and I will think about it together tonight?
Maybe we will say nothing.

When I step out of the car, and I walk inside
I forget sometimes that I take the Night with me,
and that very night follows me inside.
Follows me throughout my day. In the day even!
I wonder if the Night took a part of me?

I suppose that's a thought for another night.
On another drive. Onto where the tears of bourbon,
and where the breath of cigars, could not come.

It would be where we allow
the other things, the following things
to wash over everything else,
pulling the towers of knowledge into the sea,
only to push back debris.

We'd never escape the water, and
these feelings of spiritual issues and pain.
And to escape would be no different
than crying in the rain. Wouldn't it?
But I wasn't alone, not tonight.
Not tonight, as I stepped out into it,
looking up.

2011年10月18日 Dampers

I was flying at around a low seventy plus. The road was clear, along with black morning sky. Stars were still out, and while I maintained some degree of insecurity within myself, I felt relatively safe in the car. 

Just safe enough.

But would it really be such?

When I parked I sat in the car for about 15 minutes to listen to more music. Windows up I watched nothing in particular. When I got out of the car I remembered a conversation I had with a professor within the previous day.

Or was it another day?

We battled wits, albeit his superior to mine, and not without my reverence towards him for even wanting to talk about certain issues. Suicide was addressed. Unlike other conversations I've had to either justify or demonize such, he concluded the dialog with something like, "In Noh, when one's soul is floating around it isn't important anymore to that soul in question whether or not they died valiantly on the battle, how they lived in life, or how they committed suicide. What matters is how they'll stand in front of Buddha before he sends them to where they ought to be, because the soul is more important than any of that."

Isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be most important?

Why not?

So I left my regular area of operations. I avoided the issues I wanted to address. I avoided the work, and I avoided my thoughts, myself, and I avoided my soul.

I sat down on a wood chair, and began to adjust my emotional and spiritual dampers to 70%. Instruments were all accounted for. Flight two-zero-niner cleared for vector three-two-four. Roger. I tapped my fingers on the small wood table in front of me and contemplated.

Would you mind if I had the controls?

I've got it from here. I said. Lying to myself as I leaned back in my chair.
Roger, switching to auto-pilot.  

I looked down at the table in front of me. When I reached out, my hand felt cold again.

2011年10月6日 The moon, burnt wood, and mist

After business was handled I got back on the road concluding my thoughts of the day. Slick as high-hell from the rain, I cautiously stayed in the empty right lane of the road, moving from the empty left. The air was misty from the wet heat on the ground, and slicing through the overcast was a crooked-looking moon, well lit with a nice bleached eggshell color. The crisp air, almost like a salted cracker, smelled like burnt wood on a dry winter night.

I thought about the business of the week, I thought about the feelings of forever, and the memories of tomorrow. What did it take for a man to want to fight God for love? I knew what it took, and yet it troubled me that I was reminded of this feeling. Not that it was my own feeling, but the declaration of another's feelings. I knew what was being said. And while he didn't know, I did. You gotta' stop thinking about this. I pulled over for some coffee to distract myself from these questions, and I began to mull over a separate case I had been neglecting.

"How could anyone else come close to these feelings?"

"Excus- Are you talking to me?"

I saw the confused woman looking at me, as if I was insane for saying such so openly. Waving her off with my I feigned stupidity, as I walked out with coffee in hand. The woman went back to her laptop ignoring me just as quickly as I broke her silence. I really have to stop talking to myself out-loud. Yet how could I? I couldn't help but think more and more about those deep feelings. The feelings that no one would ever understand, unless they felt the same exact way. I couldn't help but want to alienate and distance myself from such. It was too painful for me to think about my own issues let alone another's empathetically. And that's why you have the job you have.

On the way back, I saw a shadowy dog figure run in front of the car. I came to a stop. The figure stopped along side of the road. I grabbed the flashlight from the center console and shone it on creature. To my surprise it was a  coyote. A big one too. With the light on him, he took off over a berm. I tracked him with the powerful light when he reappeared. He stopped again and looked back at me, then ran further away into the dark industrial area. I put the flash light away and continued on.

Did the coyote stop in fear? Curiosity? It doesn't matter as it still ran away. I doubted that the coyote would ever love enough to negate hate or to fight God, knowing it would lose. That's because it's an animal. Deep down I knew the world I lived in was full of such animals. Many of whom are clients. I was not happy as I got back to the office, and like most evenings when such happened, I looked at the oldest crow I knew. Amorally the bottle waited for me. Morally I knew I had a choice, and I did not care one bit as I sinned my way towards an escape. Before passing out in the chair I made a point to take my shoes off and place them near the office door.

Fuck Conway Twitty

Online I'm looking at information for my PVNS (goggle it), and somehow I'm listening to Conway Twitty's, "Hello Darlin'"
I almost broke down and cried right on the spot, but since I had to man it up in the workplace/lab, I decided against it.

My knee has been killing me for about two weeks now, maybe longer. I had to drop a class since I missed to many to catch up. When you live 10 miles away from school/work, it's hard to really get to school when you can barely limp around your own place. The pain in my knee reminds me why I hate life: because it's mine.


Yesterday my roommate told me he's moving out within a month or so. Great.
I have to find new housing or something while he gets ready to move and during my finals. No problem there, since I'll end up blasting music his way on a regular basis. It's not like he'll mind since I'm more or less going to be homeless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN2tdIf52QA