2012年6月1日 "I like to pay my own debts"

When I can pay of course, or must pay.

She drilled me quickly asking a lot of questions and comments.

"You dress like someone from the 70's."

"It's because of the belt buckle and hair" I said calmly.

"Yes it is."

"Are you violent?"

"No."

"You have a knife on your belt." She pointed at my multi-tool.
"That's a multi-tool, but I also have a knife." I pointed at my side.

"You're allowed to have that? Or you just don't care?"
"I care, and the law is on my side." I went into depth about Oregon knife laws.

"Do you like violence?" She asked.

She asked more questions.

"You're socially awkward aren't you?"

"Yep." I said without hesitation.

The conversation got into religion.

"I'm a Christian."
"I'm a Jew." I smirked.

"You better get ready to repent and accept Jesus. You'll find out."

"Except I like doing business with the father, I'm not ready (nor willing) to do business with the son." I said smiling.

"I like to pay my own debts." I said smirking at her.

She seemed uncomfortable that I would be "willing to go to hell". This kind of shit has happened before with me, but I assured her, "If you're right, I get a second chance anyway."

"But then you know about the tribulation?"

"I don't believe in it."

"But when it happens, why would you want to live through that?"

I said again to her, "I like to pay my own debts, and why not? If your tribulation is real, then why shouldn't I earn my place? I don't believe in a free ride."

2012年5月19日 וְאִם לֹא תִשְׁמְעוּ לִי

And if you don't [fucking] listen to Me [I'ma gunna bring the pain]!

This week's parshah was fun, albeit partially depressing at times. Actually, it was pretty fucking gloomy. No joke about that at all. But the best part was learning something interesting and new, such as grammar. And of course the part where God is laying out the Law. Seemingly much like a parent. Single, but still a parent.

After shul, I realized that I need and want more. I need more in terms of Judaism, and living a Jewish life. Of course, I also feel like I have to play catch-up, and I'm working hard on it. I just want to catch up to the point where I feel like not learning is the worst feeling I could have, outside of kidney stones, getting kicked in the balls, being jilted, loss of friends (people I love), or getting beat down by the police.

Solution? Ask for some kind of mentor.

I have too many questions, and I don't seem to get clear answers.
Including the location of the bathroom.

2012年5月13日 Around the corner

I was talking to a guy after morning prayers at shul. We had a bagel, and he offered me a pint of beer after our bagels were done. Now mind you, it's 10am in the morning and I'm offered beer. You have no idea how nice it is to relax in the morning 80 degree sun, with free beer and great company. At anytime in the morning on a day off it is wonderful to have a drink. It was even better that he was open to discussing a lot of things with me.

But the real issue of excitement and concern was when I asked him if he was a college student. He said he was a college drop out. He said, 

"You don't really know where life will take you." 

Seventeen years in the middle east, then ten years in Europe. Now he finds himself in Oregon, married, and enjoying where life is taking him. Of course America may or may not be the final destination, as at some-point he mentioned how he might want to immigrate to Israel.

I find myself a month away from graduation wondering what I may do. Just around the corner I could find work and/or try to work towards my goals withing the education realm. I'd much rather continue my opportunities to continue education, and I know it will be a struggle. Making money would certainly change things. It's very hard to go back to school after making money, because for one, I wouldn't really make money while going to graduate school and two I'd spending money to go to school.

Around the corner or not, I'm looking forward to graduating. I've got one ticket left for the ceremony, and I'm debating if it should go to my brother. My Grandmother, father, mother, Fozzjnen, and... Yet I haven't decided yet who will get the last. I'll figure something out. I'm not concerned, even though there is a degree of uncertainty. I'm doing exactly what I wanted from the get go, and I knew that my goals could take me here or there.

2012年5月7日 I still DGAF

This morning I was browsing around the internet after looking at an old post I made. Browsing the internet after looking at older stuff on the internet is kind of like going to a mall. Somehow you saw something you didn't intend to see (such as a new website), but you're going to look at it and stare anyhow. Well, the thing I discovered was In Over Your Head's, Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

Here: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

I am happy I found that, especially after rereading something I posted awhile ago. Even though I think it's incomplete for not referring to Fight Club.

But just bullshitting about finding stuff on the internet isn't why I'm posting.

I personally don't give a fuck about people who are not my friend and have no power over me than what I gave to them in the first place. 

Go ahead, suck life from yourself.
You still wouldn't give a fuck.

One of my favorite sayings to my friends or associates regarding people they don't like is that, "They don't live with you, so who gives a fuck?" Honestly one should always be concerned with who one lives with. Why? Because why should you live with someone who sucks life from you? Or why should anyone live with you if you suck the life from them? Why should you live with yourself, in your current capacity, if you suck life from yourself?

These problems err... questions, pop up from my life and its uncertainty, and sometimes certainty. I would honestly say one of the biggest fears most, if not all people have, is uncertainty. Uncertainty scares the fuck outta us, when really most of us should or may want to consider learning not to give a fuck. 

Uncertainty also tells us to stay miserable instead of going out into the wilderness. I think that's also the reason I'm skeptical of women's intentions after I express that life is full of uncertainty. Usually this frightens them! But why?

Why does uncertainty frighten a person in a deep relationship? I suppose it's because some of us have a fear of the unknown, but to actually know something you have to advance into the unknown. A great example of this would be to conduct a voyage or getting being lost in the wilderness. Without actually being in the unknown you are unable to expand upon what is known. 

Of course in today's society we trick ourselves into believing we can learn the unknown from the safety of our desks or in classrooms. But let's not bullshit ourselves, as there is no substitute for experience. That's for sure.

I don't give a fuck about people who honestly are more concerned about whether or not I'm judging them. As soon as they realize I don't give a fuck, that's when I know I'm being judged harshly. So I end up giving less of a fuck. 

Even more so, I deal with people who honestly don't even want to invest time into anything other than themselves, so frankly speaking, concepts like "up front respect" is only more bullshit to me. My dad, when available, raised me to: 

1) Not give a fuck, unless you decide to, and 

2) Never respect anyone who doesn't earn it. (I underline anyone, because no fucking way I'm going to respect stuff above a person).

Anyone who demands respect from me, neither knows me nor cares about how I feel. Of course the same might be said of me. Once I told someone that I need to not only love them for a healthy relationship, I also need and want to have respect for them. I honestly have no healthy relationships when respect is "expected" of me. Expecting fairness I can understand, but EXPECTING respect is different. Of course, being a guest in one's house, etc., has its own "rules", but if you don't give fuck about those, why bother reading to the end of this paragraph?

Other times like when I meet uncertain people or people who say, "I want to do X, but I can't" I often dismiss their desires or fears immediately, because they've already decided to give up. So it's hard to actually give a fuck, which I almost don't. 

Most of them giving up without actually doing any investigation, or because they avoid fear potentially associated with uncertainty. These people do not like gambling, (recreational games), or competition unless they know they will win. At that point why even bother? The game or exercise itself loses value if the "win" is more important.

The best part about this, is while I'm just scratching the surface, I am so happy to know that I don't need to, have to, or really give a give a fuck about most challenges like that in my life. Uncertainty is a self-feeding demon, kind of like when I get excited off my own excitement. Perpetual. The downside is that uncertainty for the fearful is often a black-hole. Gaping open after two dudes simultaneously pull out thei... You should understand what I'm trying to say at this point.

No one like that lives with me, and my life has a wonderful degree of serenity, because not giving a fuck about uncertainty is the best choice I could make in my life. Uncertainty is another price tag for being alive.

My shift ends so now I have to go outside.

I am Jack's uncertainty

***

Outside was great, since I met up with a girl from shul to bullshit and assess the quality of life. She is close to my age, a year younger. I can tell while we get along we wouldn't get along in the dating sense. I'm sure she likes having someone else to talk with who isn't in their late 35's or old enough to be a father/mother, grandpa/grandma at shul or outside of it. 

I think we're it in terms of people who willingly go to shul around the 18 to 24 and 25 to 30 range. It's kind of sad I guess since more and more people are dying and less and less people even bother with being "Jewish". Eventually kids will celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas and assume God is like Santa. I guess today's American-Jews are giving less of a fuck. Honestly speaking, I still don't give a fuck what they think, I'm not going to make them do anything they don't want to, as they'll end up fucking it up anyway.

On a side note, they might end up fucking themselves up avoiding uncertainty, just like an alcoholic fears  facing the uncertainty of life without booze. Or a man afraid and uncertain of being alone with pain, yet stays in an abusive relationship.

Not giving a fuck is a way to deal with this, or letting go of everything that prevents us from being happy with ourselves without escaping. Sometimes not giving a fuck is a form of escape, or affirmation of taking a stand for oneself? Moral survival? Confronting the escape? Who knows?

No one said not giving a fuck would be easy.

2012年5月5日 Well, that's a wrap

Today concluded nicely. I still forget how fast time can fly. Of course considering the massive bat-mitzvah and its free booze might explain why. How the hell could I yield? Well, a simple, "No." would have worked, but even the rabbi got in on it. Sitting across from me, "I think I drank too much. My head feels kind of funny." he said, as I watched holding my 3rd glass of wine. I think I finished a whole bottle (about 18-20oz-ish 500-600ml) of the red that the caterer brought in. The salmon was good too.

I felt like singing an'a dancin'!

2012年5月2日 "When are you going to cut your hair"

Hurry call "whine-one-one!"

I heard that this morning in my dream before I woke up.

It was what Jabberwocky - read the previous post - said to me when he first saw me in almost 3 years. Of course, 3 years ago, he said the same thing. Every time he looks bothered with how I look, or dress, or whatever. He always brings this up within the first 2 minutes of meeting, or before we do some basic shop-talk. 

I remember once he bitched about how "dorkish" I am for tucking in my shirt. Well, for one "Yes, it could be dorkish looking." But it's also my body, my clothes, and my money. I have a job, my own living quarters (which I pay for with my own money), and my own life. Sure I can choose to share my life with him as a friend, but if he's bothered with how I live, well then too fucking bad. Time to call the waaaaahmbulance. Hurry, dial whine-one-one! So they can remove my foot from asses before someone bleeds out!

I smiled again as my eyes adjusted to the new morning when I realized that I don't have to deal with bullshit like how I look around him. Who cares if I have long hair, a mustache, short hair, jeans and flannel, or khakis and a collar? Is not my own character of greater value? I'm sure some of you are wondering the same thing about whores. I know I am!

Just tryin' to be myself!

Just like you, I have a choice over my own body. It's my body. If I'm not comfortable with who I am with myself, then why the hell would I be comfortable (or even myself) around you?

I think it's important to be who we are with ourselves. When we aren't sure who we are, it's important to meditate or masturbate furiously. Whichever comes first. Haha, get it?

Anyhow, Miriam Woelke at Shearim.blogspot made an interesting post about being accepted in Haredi society from the point of view of an ex-flatmate and her own observations:

The only thing I noticed was that A. was facing severe difficulties of being accepted into haredi society. There were many reasons for it but she still tried as hard as she could. There were times when A. may have got the feeling that she was accepted. At least from time to time.

I, on the other hand, have never felt the desire squeezing myself into something. I neither need acceptance nor acknowledgement because I am simply too individualistic and especially introverted. Doing my thing and not waiting for other Haredim to say that I am so "holy". A Zaddika !

I am not and I don't want to hear all this slogans. I am not a Zaddika and not sooo terribly religious running after the perfect Hechsher, wearing only long sleeves or skirts. In my opinion, being religious consists of many different aspects in life besides the usual Halachot. How you react towards your environment, for instance. "Bejn Adam le'Chavero". Or that you honestly pray and not because the time for Mincha has arrived. That you take religious matters seriously, think and internalize them and not doing, doing, doing without using your brain.

Well that's basically it. Similar frustrations that I have. 

I believe we should think and internalize who we are. Focusing on what we are, instead of clearing our minds of "everything". Our minds are already cleared or saturated enough from all the noise of T.V., daily-life, escapism (through T.V., alcohol, drugs, white people, video-games, etc), and other things. So much so, that sometimes we barely have enough time, if we're that lucky, to find out who we are with ourselves! Of course, you'll definitely have more time to figure yourself out, if you're drinking in a Finnish sauna.

2012年4月6日 And God said, "GIVE ME! GIVE ME! DIE, DIE!

Today Passover more or less begins. 

We're going to learn how God kills first born cattle, children, and people.
We're going to learn why it's important.

God more or less tells, albeit indirectly, the Pharaoh that "You will do My will and only then will I go away."

Kind of like Andre Linoge in Storm of the Century.

Example of how God talks to man,

I wish God would just come down and say flat out, "I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle (link)." Because frankly speaking that's what it feels like when we're told to do something. I love God and fear God, which is why there is also the duality of confusion and struggle. No one said it would be easy, and if we take lessons from God seriously we can tell God is also confused/struggling with us as well.

Happy Passover. 

Hopefully God passes over our own personal transgressions, and let next year be in Jerusalem (or at least in Israel).

2012年4月2日 God is a door-gunner

As I prepare for Pesach (Passover) I realize there are two serious things that come to my mind often when I think of this Holiday. God likes or has no serious problems with killing people, and hope is extremely important.

Listening to Metallica's Creeping Death I reflect on God killing people. The Biblical God didn't just kill the Pharaoh's first born son, but all first born of just about everything.

Shemot/Exodus

11:4 And Moses said: 'Thus saith the Lord: About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt; 

11:5 and all the first-born in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first-born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the first-born of the maid-servant that is behind the mill; and all the first-born of cattle.

After reading that, the lyrics of Creeping Death should chime in automatically in one's head:

Die by my hand

I creep across the land

Killing first-born man

So God basically is a door-gunner, specifically this one here.

And yet there is hope for the future. In fact, the term Passover is about God (maybe literally) passing the homes of the ancient Israelite slaves' homes, as God goes on the war-path of murder and killing.

To me it is interesting that God, who condemns murder, is capable and seemingly comfortable with the killing small children. It's interesting to me. And I remind myself that, this God that I believe in, is claimed as just and righteous by others and I.

But the hope lies in the fact that God and us, ideally, work out our issues with ourselves and then with each other (if possible) so that we can advance. I think without hope there is no point in anything anymore. Just like in the Predator without the hope to try to survive the whole team would have been wiped out. Passover to me is about slavery and our own demons within our lives. When we face our own slavery and demons we have a better understanding of who we are and where we are going. Of course, one night isn't enough for this kind of contemplation. We know that our own demons can bleed, and we know "If it bleeds, we can kill it!"

Does God hear our screams? Should we only scream once?
No! Keep screaming!! Until you have God's attention.

2012年3月28日 Fucking internet!

Video heavy

Yeah...
(Steve Obscure, copyright)

Using the internet is awesome, until you realize the porn, or 14, er, 18 year old girl you're trying to cyber with happens to be a 37 year old gay man. But that's the magic of the internet, and that same magic of the internet is entertains me when I'm bored.

Here are a few sites I'd suggest:

YTMND, You're the man now dog!

YouTube, duh.

Fark.com, which rates news articles and so forth as "scary", "funny," "sick," etc.

When all else fails, use YouTube to make yourself feel better, as you make fun of a 19 year old black  guy, who ends up getting caught fucking pitbulls on camera. 

Don't believe me? 

Watch the news report below. I wonder if the guy fucking the dog was thinking, "Georgia['s] on my mind!"

But wait there is more!
Watch a little girl get shot down by a TIE-fighter

Prank calls, I love these things.

Quotes:

"To me, I don't want anybody touching me...

I don't know what's going on....

I heard him screaming...

If he comes back I'm gonna choke this nigga out...

...I'ma serve this bitch up some cold Ramen noodles.

...Jewish Ninjas..."

2012年3月27日 "All wishes"

I saw a Depeche Mode t-shirt which gave me an urge to listen to some. Bad idea. 

Instead I ended up listening to Lacuna Coil - a band I've seen live, but sounds waaay better in the studio. Their cover of "Enjoy the Silence" (URL here) makes me want to cut myself while crying in a bathtub with the shower on hot. Hello Tuesday afternoon...

As I spend part of this week overcoming frustration, doubt, and grey skies I wonder. I wonder about money, life, the future and what it means. What's important? At this point in my life, I actually don't think money is important. I really don't, yes it helps with goals or tasks. But does money actually make dreams come true? If money does make dreams come true why aren't some of the richest people in America or anywhere else in the world happy? How come rich people get grey hair or frown? If I had a lot of money I would probably blow all of it on prostitutes. I've always had this fantasy of using hookers for life-sized chess games...

Anyhow, I think Ms. Woelke over at Shearim blog has it more or less figured out, at least for herself and certain aspects of my feelings,

All wishes will never be fulfilled

Every human being on this planet has desires, wishes and expectations. There is a theory in psychology that unfulfilled expectations can cause depression. Not all our wishes are being fulfilled. Thta's life and G – d alone decides what we get, what we don’t get and where we succeed or fail. 

Most people only seem to concentrate on material things instead of looking at the spiritual side. Let me tell you one thing from experience: Money doesn’t make you happy ! What money does is providing you a secure life without any worries about paying the rent. However, money won’t give you joy but more sorrows. Just wait until the tax authorities will come after you. [sic] - M. Woelke

Right now doing what I love is important, and while I'm not completely there yet I'm working on it. Being around those I love also is part, if not the most important part of that. And I'm getting that more or less. Even if they aren't around when I need them or want them, am I unloved? Unloved? Probably not. Of course it also depends on why I'm loved. Do they care because they give love? Or do they give love because they care? 

Once again the rain picks up outside and all I'm left with is myself, for now, and those who want to stick around. Just like I stick around with them. So when I read "All wishes..." I often remember the phrase, "A friend to all, is a friend to none". We have to make choices.

2012年3月8日 It counts

Shul attire

Today I was participating in something where I was counted, not only as a member of the group but as a necessary component. It was a good feeling, except there wasn't a keg or naked women running around. I won't deny the great experience and feeling it gave me, but in a sense I felt like a shitty super-hero character whose only job is stand around waiting for a voice yelling,

"FLIP THE SWITCCCH!!!"

It could be worse, I could have an actual costume. I was happy I helped by being there when no one else could have there.

2012年3月7日 Hammer in my sand

I was walking around in my mind, listening to Hammer in the Sand*. 

Standing in the sun I thought about the path I was taking emotionally and spiritually now that I'm a Jew. I walked a little bit further in my mind, although physically I was motioning to sit on a bench away from the buildings and people.

A sweet taste of tobacco hit my lips, and breathed the smoke into my mouth. Holding it, then releasing it slowly. The smoke was as listless as landscape. Blue silhouettes of mountains in front of the sun could be seen, like I saw with Hood this morning. Only by the peak could I tell it was a mountain, and not the rolling hills. 

I could hear my frustration and then I heard nothing. I watched the sand shift around slowly like the smoke. The sand disappeared and so did the music I heard in my mind.

More music came into view and I wanted to lay down on the bench and take the sun as Spectral Mornings* came into view. I pulled my MP3 player out and played it. I loved the sunlight but missed the clouds, and although I tried substituting the absence of clouds with a chain of smoke, nothing changed. Nor did I expect it to all at once.

I prayed for the rain to come and hoped that I could drink from it. It fascinates me that that the terrible weather helps with growth. All sunshine and no rain... Leads to a desert. I left my hammer in the sand before going back into the building. When I reflected on my soul I realized I had to make my own hammers, I couldn't borrow anymore. 

Before opening the door to the building I breathed out, and the smoke was gone. My head just slightly clearer than before, and so were the questions.


*By Steve Hackett

2012年3月4日 It's okay: l'chaim

B''H
The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb the steps everyday.

It's okay to have a family.
It's okay to be together.

It's okay to be happy.

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay to be alive.

It's okay to be here.

It's okay to be there.

It's okay.

It's "To life," even though we can mean "for life." if we wanted to see it that way.

Yee-haw! 

It was a very emotional experience.

2012年3月3日 "That you know you are free"

Beit Din

I heard those words over the radio after doing a "wilderness lap" in the car. Tomorrow I will face one of the single most important events in my life, outside of birth, friendships, and what not. I will be in front of my rabbi and two others who are going to pick my brain, my heart, and whatever they find in terms of a soul.

I am ready for this, not because I think I can do it, but because I can't imagine doing anything else. I think a scene in the movie Heat best describes my feeling since I can't put it into better words. URL here, it should auto start at 2 minutes 35 seconds, ending at the 3 minute mark.

Hammer in the Sand, by Steve Hackett plays in the background as I recall the previous hours. I had no terror on that dark road, with its semi-vacant sky and the emaciated clouds.

Where am I going?

Who am I?

Have I found myself? I think so, and for once we get along.

We understand a little bit better about each other.

Not sure if I can do it or not, 

I'm going to do my best, and there is no way to turn back. And God said "לֶךְ-לְךָ" (Lech Lecha).

2012年2月28日 Light-speed

If we can travel at light speed, does that mean we don't need head lights?

Sometimes we get what we want. When this happens we forget the price tag.

I can't believe how fast my life is going along, mainly because I had mentally and emotionally prepared for as long as two years.

Let's do it!

This Sunday is my mikvah, and soon after, maybe an hour or two later, the beit din (house of judgement). And then after deliberation, the decision of whether or not I am a Jew will come. I prepared to become one, so maybe I'm just nervous about it. I don't want to fail, or rather, I don't want to fail God and the community. In a sense I feel like any failure of understanding core or foundational principles of Judaism is the failure to value life. Not just my own life, but the importance of life and its cycles (including death).

Maybe it's not that I'm going fast, it's that I'm being challenged.

And it's a challenge of whether or not I can do it, and part of me is wondering if I can.

If I knew I could do it, with zero to little problems, it wouldn't be a challenge.

Come with me lesbian seagull....

Settle down and rest with meeee...

2012年2月25日 Remembering

"I can tell you now, I- I know- I'm positive that I made the right decision. But there isn't a day that passes that I wish I made a different choice."

To be Jewish is to remember. At least that's what I was told, and from what I learn it seems even more real to me as the days pass.

Remembering all the bad things and good things that happened in life makes me wonder if I should bother with children. It also makes me remember this video.

It's sad this applies to more than just children.

I remember friends, I remember things about my family, I remember loving (the emotional feeling, not the physical), and of course sometimes I don't want to remember, but with smells, sounds, words, names, places, it comes back sometimes.

2012年2月24日 Dreams, and asking Pagliacci to laugh

Ridi, Pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor! 

Pavarotti singing, Vesti La Giubba (Put on a/the costume)

Dreamland again,
again, and again

The dream I had this morning woke me up a few minutes before my alarm clock went off, which I've been setting earlier and earlier this last week. For once I had a dream that was non-violent, but it still bothered me because it had a somewhat happy, albeit ambiguous ending. By ambiguous ending I mean I woke up before I could resolve anything, which is funny because the premise of that dream was resolution and the future. Before I even opened my eyes I felt like crying, because it was a dream an no matter what I solve or say in dreams, they're just dreams.

It's time to,

Put on your costume,

powder your face.

The people pay to be here, and they want to laugh.

Preparing for work I realized something that I didn't want to admit.

Sometimes when people are faced with an enemy trying to kill them physically, or emotionally, the way one handles it is simple: dehumanization of the opposing force. This is why we hear jokes about the Taliban being towel-heads (which some are) and why Japs are a bunch of bunch of buck-toothed rapists. The buck-toothed part isn't true. Even here at home, we dehumanize our own citizens with social classes (see trailer-trash, Bible-belt, Deliverance the film, and die hard fans of Dolly Parton).

We stop thinking about the other guy as someone like us, with similar goals and dreams. Hell, we could probably even be friends! But no, we think of them as some kind of horrible person, or horrible non-person. Some of us really have to do this dehumanization process of our "enemies", because when we humanize them we can empathize or even have sympathy for them. Some people would say this compromises one's ability to act when a moment of "truth" occurs (see violence, conflict, confrontation).

I do believe that it's possible for most people to lose their strength when they reflect on another person's life, before they take it or engage physically against another. Yet, I also think what makes us better humans is not always allowing biology to dictate what we do and who we are as an individual human. Dehumanization while necessary for some people without the resolve to over come fear, such as fear of the weight and responsibility of not dehumanizing another, is just something I don't think I could do without compromising the possibility of maximized joy. In basic terms, I'd rather live with the constant struggle and questioning of trying to understand. I suppose I'll understand my thoughts when I understand their purpose.

With that said, I will put on my costme for today, powder my face, as the people pay to be here, and they want to laugh. Turning my distress and tears into jest-- my pain and sobbing into a funny face – Ah!

Later today I will have one of three serious rituals completed: the ritual circumcision.

I'm sure my dreams had something to do with it.

Hatafat dam brit

Continued here: http://repugnant-thoughts.blogspot.com/2012/02/2012224-continued-dreams-and-asking.html

2012年2月18日 Ivri or Jew?

There is a French woman whom I'll call "Patrice" mainly because she kind of reminds me of the character in Breathless. She is an attractive looking French women who is probably in her late 30's or early 40's. 

For some reason I had yet to see her at shul until just recently. Today I noticed she put on a noticeable amount of foundation and blush on, compared to the other times I've seen her. I usually have a hard time retaining eye contact with her because I have questions I want to ask her, among my repugnant questions about whether or not she wants to be familiar with "off-shore drilling". 

Does she want to be a Jew? If she's married, why doesn't her husband come? What told her that Judaism is her path? What happens if she does become a Jew? How will her family react? Does she know that you can't be a Jew alone? At least as far as I'm concerned Judaism is not about being alone, and it sure as shit isn't a hermitage. Christians, Buddhists, and everyone else can do their hermitages, but for Jews it's not happening.

Those questions are some things I think about when I see the types like her interested in Judaism and/or serious about converting to Judaism. Are they doing it because they are unhappy? Are they having a mid-life crisis, or is there really something missing that only Judaism can provide? Do they know what's missing before they come to shul? 

I can really only answer these questions for myself, but yet while I want to, I can't even imagine how difficult it is for Patrice. If I recall correctly she is married and with children, and yet from the way she talks she has no knowledge of Judaism other than what she reads. This means her husband and house is not Jewish. 

I wonder about whether or not my house is Jewish. In a technical sense I have been in a constant transitional period for about 10 years, so being asked or telling someone I have a "Jewish home" is somewhat of a misnomer. 

What does it mean to have a Jewish house? Traditions? I have none as I mentioned other than the ones I make. I personally find some solace and joy knowing I am paving my own way. Sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes it's difficult, but I believe the best part about it is that there is a degree of fun knowing that it is a challenge. Some days I am not sure if I can actually do it, others I think I can. I have never thought that being a Jew or wanting to be a Jew as something as just a task or a simple checklist, even though there are some checklist like things when wanting to convert. 

Confused?
Ask a rabbi!

As far as I'm concerned, wanting to be become a Jew is never something like "Oh I can do this." believing that only mundane or shallow problems lie ahead. It is a constant challenge and struggle of life, and life's wonders. Probably the most enjoyable part is the questions. Things go from, "I can do this!" to "Can I do this?" And not in the sense I ask for permission, but in the sense that it is a personal challenge of whether or not I have the will power and part of it is just accepting the massive difficulty of it.

Do I have the will power to love God?

Do I have the will power to fear and trust God?

Now while I can live to find out like most people, a short and quick Jewish answer to the questions I've presented is as simple as "Ask a rabbi." 

Personally I like the love God part, I find that it accommodates loving people too.

***

I was also told in the next week or few weeks my love-stick will be stabbed by a knife of some sort. Probably Rambo's knife (video here). According to Rambo when asked "What do you hunt with a knife?" the appropriate response is "Name it." This probably explains why penises end up being circumcised by knives. 

According to the guy conducting the ceremony he said it it no different pain wise than a diabetic's testing needle. I didn't have the heart to ask, "Is this knowledge from personal experience?" I'm not personally worried about pain, rather than how much the ceremony costs. Some people actually charge for this short (5 minutes or less) ceremony! After all the ceremonies are concluded I'll probably consider myself a Hebrew/Ivri rather than Jew, although Jew works too. I feel like I'm a horse being led to the racing stall.

2012年2月14日 T4T: St. Valentine's Day

Two (posts) For Tuesday!

Anytime there is a holiday that isn't Jewish and it has other religious origins the debate in terms of whether or not to celebrate it is an issue for me. This issue is even more problematic with Russian Jews who have a "New Year's Tree", which is basically a Christmas Tree. Regardless of Christmas or Valentine's Day, I am always pissed off when people have their religious holidays compete with one another.

With that in mind, I never celebrate any holiday on my own volition if it is of religious origin and not a Jewish holiday. Yes, if I'm invited to a Christmas party, I might go, but I will not participate in giving gifts, or prayer. Every time this happens I remind myself of some questions, and while I never saw the following until today, I did keep some of the questions in mind, albeit the phrasing isn't my own.

1. Does the debated activity have a secular origin or value?
2. Can one rationally explain the behavior or ritual apart from the gentile holiday or event?
3.  If there are idolatrous origins, have they disappeared?
4. Are the activities actually consistent with Jewish tradition?

- Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, Poland, 1520-1572) who explains that there are four criteria that must be met in order to permit Jewish celebration of rituals initiated by Gentiles (Rama Y.D. 178:1 as interpreted by Rabbi Michael Broyde).

Do I feel like I'm missing out?
Not at all.

What single people do
as a response to VD
(I mean the holiday)

I don't feel this way because Christmas is a loose tradition, and because it's so loose to me it's easy to abandon and move on. The fact that Christmas was a loose tradition made it even more alien when celebrating it, and that goes for the rest of religious holidays outside of Jewish ones. I'm tried of celebrating holidays that make me feel like shit and alien when I participate, I end up being more miserable than I was without the holiday. I have spent at least 8-12 Christmases without family, and/or without the Christmas spirit.

The only phrase to get single people
out of participating in bullshit holidays.

So of course even though one of my exes sent me chocolate overseas for Valentine's Day, while we were in a long-distance relationship, I was still miserable and frustrated. One day of the year to say and show how much you love another person? How about doing a little bit everyday? Are we supposed to care because we give, or do we give because we care? That last question is a serious one that I will probably examine in my next relationship, because if someone cards because they gave they assume a certain degree of purchasing power or ownership over what they gave (time, money, etc). I don't want anyone to have purchasing power over me, or me over anyone else. It negates freedom of choice. And if you can't choose to love someone, then what's the fucking point?

Thankfully, the fun part is that I get to choose my own traditions now, but in reality that's how it's always was, I just didn't know it until I woke up.

2012年2月13日 I hate work and it makes me a racist

Today I listen to the Portland police department's dispatch over the internet with my right ear - (here), - I keep the left open. I read the news and I wonder about life. Today like most days, we have customers, or rather, I have customers. Today's people come in, and they're mostly eastern Asian looking. That doesn't irritate me, what irritates me is how they never respond when I say "Hello" or acknowledge their presence. No raising of eyes-brows to acknowledge me, or them glancing at me so I can do it. No glance or nod, no wave of hands. Nothing!

Most wear hooded sweaters and as they scurry towards the computers, ignoring the rest of the world. Their movements are more detached than that of a strung out whore on Efukt. You know what I'm talking about, it's those whores in porn who do that 8-ball of meth, lest they have nightmares of when their "step-dad," the whore code-word for biological dad, did stuff to them as an adolescent.

So back to Asians. I personally don't have a problem with them, but I'm constantly irritated at the hive mentality of some of them. Eventually I'm just going to look at them all under one huge discriminating filter. The exact same way I look at the extremist black-hat Hasidim in Israel and nasty-Palestinians here. I can see it now: the Palestinians here get what they want and next thing you know all I see is women constantly being choked to "Allahu Akbar." Said really slowly. That and shitty sounds of ezan in the morning.

Anyway here's some videos.

They're short videos (30 seconds each?) so watch'em.

But how can those Palestinians even get what they want, when they get some stupid bitch talking about "martyrs"? And most of those who are "martyrs" probably can't even read above a 4rd grade level. I actually can't tell the difference between her message and dueling banjos.

And look at those black-hats dance! I swear, replace that music with something from DDR, add some drugs, glow-sticks, and black-lights and it's a rave! It's no wonder people don't fuck around with ultra-orthodox Jews. These guys can bust a move. Although I'm not sure if I posted this already... :\ ...Fuck it.

Again I digress. But damn those Asians do piss me off sometimes. Maybe it's my job, like most jobs, if you aren't in a "boss" or mid-level position you're not taken as someone who knows the ins and outs of procedures. Either way, without actually asking an employee a person (or apathetic Asian) doesn't really know the truth, and this applies to me as well. But it's not stopping me from looking down on them condescendingly when they treat me like shit or a fellow hive-worker (i.e. shit times two). Maybe it's because they don't push in their chairs, or they don't have those in Asian households. I'm sure it's because we all know chairs are for civilized people.

Reverse race card