Obviously I couldn't date her if that's how
she felt about conversation.
What if I want her to make me a sandwich or get beer?
Is it that waking up is hard, or does sleep really feel that good? If it's the latter case, why are we afraid of death? Since, no one really knows what it's like to be dead for more than a day and a half, we can only imagine that death and its unconsciousness is like sleeping.
BUT! When it comes to being a cyborg, we do have people we can ask. Most of those people write books about the universe, black-holes (not hookers), and computers. More info here via Wikipedia.
Unfortunately for the organ donor industry (in China or wherever)-- Yeah it's probably not a "donor," in the sense of volunteers, in China though. Anyway, I can't imagine a lot of people killing themselves so they can sleep forever. At least in the sense that we don't get to interview them about they did it.
It's kind of funny, since I actually like sleeping. Sleeping isn't really a painful process, but I suppose unlimited amounts of sleep will be my reward in life someday. The reward is going to be that when I die, I don't have to be bothered with having to get up for work or anything. It's kind of nice.
If I'm buried in the ground or cement - I'm against zombies - I hope my friends and/or family include a butter-knife, McDonalds' toys, a Fleshlight and a blanket. This way we can confuse the fuck outta' archaeologists 1000 years from now. We'll probably need a hug too. And a lot of aspirin from stiff joints.
Recently an ad came to my attention, mainly because it was deleted due to dishonesty from the seller. I wish there was more to say about the ad, but there isn't much other than the seller flat out lied and was caught lying. Here is the response from the seller, and then the moderator who then banned the poor dumb bastard.
The PDB:
"I was embarrassed and tried to save face and quickly changed my attitude and admitted my wrong doing."
The mod:
"You changed your attitude because you were caught and then changed it again because you were shown to further be dishonest. I have now fixed the problem with your dishonesty." [Emphasis mine]
Fixed the problem?
"How?" You ask?
"SCREW YOU (BENNY)! YOU MOTHER FUCKER! NOW, & FOREVER & EVER FUCK YOU!" Was more or less what the moderator really wanted to say, I'm sure of that.
This situation reminded me of a specific part of the song Screw You (Benny) by AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE. I've put in bold the lyrics I think are relevant.
Lyrics: Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x4]
I thought you were my friend
And a fugitive just like me
A taxi driving freak
With five kids to feed Then you betrayed me
Did you do it for money?
Were you consumed with greed? I thought you were a family man
With four kids to feed
Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x2]
You betrayed me
You betrayed me
Now you're out for blood
To make me your kill
I must put a stop to this
By impaling you with a drill
Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x3]
You betrayed me
You betrayed me
So screw you
Screw you Benny
Today I was invited to the Tanker bar here in Portland (URL), for naughty bingo.
It's the same as your grandma's bingo, except you can win adult toys and other adult related items, such as board games, cards, candy, etc. I personally didn't win anything, but it was interesting to see a bunch of hipsters whacked out of their PBR-mind getting excited about strobe-light butt-plugs. A bearded guy won that one.
We left early because the bar ended up smelling like car exhaust and I have work tomorrow morning. Otherwise it was kind of neat. I was hoping for beads, a whip, or flail/flogger but they didn't have any.
And when you dream, We'll come for you and breathe in your pain"
"Gimme a pack of that then."
"The wrong word
When you cry,
I will be" -
voices in my dream
Over the past 2 or 5 days I have been feeling arthritic pain that sucks terribly. Of course drinking again hasn't helped, and my knee has made me feel miserable. Knee in pain, pain beyond the physical, boredom, and my heart and sole. Maybe it's because of the cheap shoes? Maybe I need a more expensive pair to support my knee and sole. Maybe it's all the nightmares. Maybe it's the dreams I'm having: the ones I can't talk about.
Anytime there is a holiday that isn't Jewish and it has other religious origins the debate in terms of whether or not to celebrate it is an issue for me. This issue is even more problematic with Russian Jews who have a "New Year's Tree", which is basically a Christmas Tree. Regardless of Christmas or Valentine's Day, I am always pissed off when people have their religious holidays compete with one another.
With that in mind, I never celebrate any holiday on my own volition if it is of religious origin and not a Jewish holiday. Yes, if I'm invited to a Christmas party, I might go, but I will not participate in giving gifts, or prayer. Every time this happens I remind myself of some questions, and while I never saw the following until today, I did keep some of the questions in mind, albeit the phrasing isn't my own.
Does the debated activity have a secular origin or value?
Can one rationally explain the behavior or ritual apart from the gentile holiday or event?
If there are idolatrous origins, have they disappeared?
Are the activities actually consistent with Jewish tradition?
- Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, Poland, 1520-1572) who explains that there are four criteria that must be met in order to permit Jewish celebration of rituals initiated by Gentiles (Rama Y.D. 178:1 as interpreted by Rabbi Michael Broyde).
Do I feel like I'm missing out?
Not at all.
What single people do
as a response to VD
(I mean the holiday)
I don't feel this way because Christmas is a loose tradition, and because it's so loose to me it's easy to abandon and move on. The fact that Christmas was a loose tradition made it even more alien when celebrating it, and that goes for the rest of religious holidays outside of Jewish ones. I'm tried of celebrating holidays that make me feel like shit and alien when I participate, I end up being more miserable than I was without the holiday. I have spent at least 8-12 Christmases without family, and/or without the Christmas spirit.
The only phrase to get single people
out of participating in bullshit holidays.
So of course even though one of my exes sent me chocolate overseas for Valentine's Day, while we were in a long-distance relationship, I was still miserable and frustrated. One day of the year to say and show how much you love another person? How about doing a little bit everyday? Are we supposed to care because we give, or do we give because we care? That last question is a serious one that I will probably examine in my next relationship, because if someone cards because they gave they assume a certain degree of purchasing power or ownership over what they gave (time, money, etc). I don't want anyone to have purchasing power over me, or me over anyone else. It negates freedom of choice. And if you can't choose to love someone, then what's the fucking point?
Thankfully, the fun part is that I get to choose my own traditions now, but in reality that's how it's always was, I just didn't know it until I woke up.
This morning was foggy as high-hell. Even around 6:30 am, outside of looking straight up, I couldn't see more than 300-400 yards out. Which was surprising, because tilting my head up towards the sky I identified Orion's belt, or what I thought was his belt, without any problems whatsoever.
No shit!
The rest of the day tasted like Colombian coffee. A taste I could not remove, even after several pieces of gum, and a strong desire to booze it up. I figure on top of my cheap coffee (20 cups = 6 dollars, roughly), I could add whiskey to it, and cheaply meander throughout my day without any reservations, not like the - feathered - Indians, they actually have reservations.
It's Up To You [link], by the Moody Bluesplays in the background of my headset - you probably thought it was going to be Foggy Windows [link] - as I wonder when my goddamn co-worker is actually going to show up. As far as I'm aware of, she's a half an hour late.
So today is another sub-blissful-bullshit-day of fun and excitement that resolves absolutely nothing, except once again I am told that life should make me more cynical, to which booze is my response, outside of unrequited love, which is kind of like having only resin left in the pipe. Is it really going to get my ass high this time? Who knows!?
What a great way to start this god-forsaken month. Crisp and bone-cutting weather, and I'm sure it's going to get worse, it only does. That's fine, I still can listen to the Moody Blues at work, and gripe about life or the lack of such. I do care. I really do.
It's just painful to give a shit when you're doing it alone.
It's just painful to give a shit when whatever you do, amounts to nothing for anyone, other than yourself.
At some point, I will take a break, and inject myself with more coffee.
"It's all coming back to me now." I said again, only this time I was only talking to myself. I looked out the window and stared at the emaciated clouds and crisp sunshine.
I keep writing non-stop. In fact, most of the time I notice I'm several days ahead in posts, but I'm trying to keep it to a daily basis only, posting what I experience that day, but I notice more and more I have more things I would like to address or talk about, or avoid all together. Some how it's not working, so I'm going to double up when I deem appropriate.
I can't dare say how my classes are going since I missed one due to a religious experience, or holiday rather. Or both. Plus some of my classes were cancelled because of it! Man these Jews are crazy. I can say that somehow the constant demand of work, school, school's work, has more or less alienated me from thinking, but somehow even my feelings and thoughts take over in my dreams, and I see people I may or may not should be seeing. Like Chuck Norris. It must be a sign that I may die within the next month?
While it's reversed to avoid copy-wrong protection laws, it still points out how most of my instructors deal with goyim. And it's funny.
The one thing I like about Jews is that they're all disagreeable, they hate each other as much as they love each other, or at least they realize that both are mutually necessary, since they (love and hate) affirm and negate both at the same time. And in reverse, like the video. One does not love without hate, and one can't hate without love existing at some point (including potential). It's an interesting dialectic, whereas the Japanese would rather avoid the issue until they're 40 years old, retired, and/or dead. Neither is good or bad, it is what it is, like smegma being eaten by a Japanese lady to pay for Louis Vuitton handbags. Priorities right?
You stupid bitch
Just now someone came into my lab. I'm not even working but I knew the stupid bitch who sat adjacent from me, and she was going to get a lecture. She had coffee or tea in a cup, which she tried to conceal by putting it on the floor next to the table. I recognized her immediately, it was Mayucorn. She had that same cunt-eyed-soulless smile, which she normally activates with total insincerity whenever she says hi to me, but only if I notice her first. I wasn't bothered by that, since most people like her have the same expression almost daily. Including myself when I deactivate feelings. I just reminded myself that I turned them off, just as I turn them on. And I know this. That, in itself, is taxing, and another issue... What bothered me was that I had to tell her that she was in violation of the lab rules and that she had to put her drink in the general, and yet unmarked, designated area. She did such, and less than 10 seconds later she got up and left. Telling her isn't an issue, it's just that I have to explain to her why she is a stupid bitch and can't read or obey the rules.
Good.Get out of here if you don't likeme telling you the rules.
Fuck her, she violated the rules, and you'd be accountable for that if you did nothing.
Yeah no shit.
Even if you're not working, you're still an employee in the work environment, regardless of whether or not you're actually working. You have a moral obligation to say something, otherwise you can remind her of WW2.
I know.
Do I even have to say it?
Yes I do.
And yet, I was a little surprised that during this whole dialog, not once did the attendant acknowledge or notice the dialog at hand, or Mayucorn's behavior as soon as she walked into the lab. I didn't feel like a dick, or if I did it was a flaccid one. She should obey those rules.
Unlike the real world, if she fucks up a computer or makes a spill, she's not accountable, the attendant IS. And that's fucking bullshit, but that's the way it goes. We can't detain her, we can't shoot her - Wait what? Okay, not with guns at least, but because she's Japanese I'm sure we could shoot her with "si me gustó" sauce in one of the bathroom stalls... - we can't just say, "Oh it's just some Asian looking person." Plus, if one doesn't even see it, how can you tell? We don't take people's names, we don't require much, just follow guidelines and rules.
Don't talk on your cellphone in the lab, keep conversations low-quite, and no drinks at or near computers. Pretty fuckin' simple. Apparently not for people or Jap-whores, yes I'm a betting man who thinks Mayucorn has had enough cornhole action to merit the title, who think it's okay to assume entitlement of certain behaviors. If I could have just broken out with, "Bitch, what the fuck is your problem?" maybe things would have been different.
Looking over to my left and notice Ms. I-Think-Running-Is-A-Sport, whom I also work with, and she appears completely oblivious to what's going on. No surprise there, some people get into the zone, or they don't care about their environment. How those people can genuinely be concerned about global warming I have no idea. If you don't even give a fuck about your immediate surroundings it sounds insincere, at least to me, that one could go so far to say they "care" about the Earth. Even though they're fine having things made in the USA, shipping to China, assembled, and then shipped back to their location. iPod anyone? Yes I have one... Yeah, that makes sense. Wait what? You forgot about all that oil necessary shipping? For the plastics?
Yeah. Thanks. Fuck you Baltimore.
Grouchy?
No, just disappointed.
I almost never really feel this way towards anyone who isn't a friend or family member. What I mean is that, I don't really invest an intense amount emotion over who it is, rather than what they are doing.
With family and friends, yes, if I'm bothered or troubled I'm going to be bothered that it is THAT person doing THATone thing I don't like.
Many times I've said shit I wish I never did.
Many times I've made people cry over horrible words, because just like me they associate their feelings with my character and being AND my actions, albeit in reverse. I have yet to find a way to genuinely show remorse towards those whom I have or may have wronged, and cared about. Sure I'm sorry, but I wish I could help them somehow. Sometimes we don't get a choice or don't have opportunities.
Should we make opportunities?
Check the price tag first.
He-brew, She-brew,
We-brew
Although the highlight today, so far, was learning how to write my name in Hebrew, I was told that my name also could be said or used as "Ali." Fuck. Anything that sounds middle-eastern, or rather, anything that implies
"I come from a land,
from a faraway place,
where the caravan camels roam.
Where they cut off your ear
if they don't like your face,
it's barbaric,
but hey, it's home!"
Seriously, it's taken from Aladdin, yes the Disney film.
