2012年4月25日 "I feel dizzy-- I'm whiting out..."

Stop being such a pussy!

The nurse looked at me and said, "Do you want to look away?"

"No. No, I have to watch while you do it." I said shaking my head.

"Most people look away." 

"I imagine things are worse if I look away." I said to her.

So she gave me the flu shot, without any problems. Then after that, the following test was to take my blood. I said if I don't watch, like I did with the flu shot, I might faint.

"Don't worry I'll keep you up to date on how I feel." I assured her.

The needled went in, and for a minute solid on my left arm they looked for a vain. I continued breathing just hoping to get it over with, staring at them and the needle as it wiggled around my vain. I didn't really mind at first.

Things changed when they switched arms to get my blood. That's when I started to feel sick. At first I got really hot and started sweating bullets. "Keep breathing." I heard several times. Soon, I started to feel a little nauseous.

"I feel dizzy-- I'm whiting out."

Immediately after I said that I was out. I literally don't even remember what happened next or slumping over. I woke up looking at the ceiling with 5 female lab staff, nurses, and or whatever their title is all around me. Heaven has fat chicks, just warning you guys. Thankfully I'm not bothered by that, because it's not my choice, and they were nice to me. Bringing me orange juice was also a bonus. Besides if heaven has uppity bitches, what's the fucking point? Anyway, I didn't remember slumping over, getting on my back, or anything. I'm sure they were just about to do stuff to me or they were looking for a sharpie. That's about the time when my eyes fixed on them.

"Are you okay? Just take a deep breath."

"I feel kind of heavy. Did you finish?"
I really just wished this whole thing was over. And I wanted breakfast.

"No, I had to pull out when you started to slump over."
Haha, she had to pull out. Depending on what I would be doing, I might not have pulled out.

I got back to business,
"Are we able to finish or?" They looked at me like I was insane.

"Well, let's give you a moment to breathe. Drink some orange juice."

"Thanks. Well, I'd like to continue since I'm awake now." Which basically means, let's rock'n'roll lady, the show must go on.

"Yes, but we don't want you to get sick." Fair enough. They waited about 2 minutes before continuing.

Then they switched back to my left arm, and took my blood quickly without any problems. I felt a little sick when I left, but otherwise alright.

"I hope I didn't panic any of you. I did warn you at least!" I said smiling.

"And we're grateful you warned us!" Yes, yes you are.

I'm good at warning people.

Unfortunately some people take my warnings with little or no seriousness because they think I might be joking. Bad idea!

They were very nice to me, and like always I tried to talk myself through it since I'm not really into needles in my body.
Masks and shit? No problem.
Seeing blood? No problem.
Stab me with metal? Fuck!!!

2012年4月13日 "Knowing it is not enough!"

Me: "I like questions."

Her: "I knooow." She said sounding exhausted from the intensity of having that knowledge. Though I could never imagine a successful relationship from her other than her keeping a mattress warm, it did remind me that in the future if I do have what I believe is a successful relationship, it will be with someone who won't become exhausted from my questions.

I have come to the conclusion that the questions I ask are not what is exhausting, but rather the required brain power of each individual person. What does it matter if they tell me something of great value to them, and I have no influence in their life? What if what I tell them is of no matter and they are of great influence in my life? Wouldn't it be best to tell your greatest achievements to a stranger so that they can't destroy them? How about the opposite? Some would say yes, others would say no. I'm not going to debate which is right or wrong, and I'd digress too much if I did! But she did make that face, that face that says, "I can't think about that." Not because I asked her to, no. But because she cannot think about that with herself. 

Some people can flip a switch and tell you things all day long from an intellectual point of view, but just you wait until their emotions click on. I know at least 3 or 4 women who are able to disregard their emotions and talk without emotions on from their. Most of those women are almost like that 24/7, and it get's a little depressing. It changes though when they get drunk, but most of them almost always try to be in control. As for men like that? I can't imagine more than meeting two in my whole life. But I know they're out there, I have no doubt about that.

I think most would agree that having a balance of both, with oneself, is best. And finding the people who can be around that balance is equally important. So far, I'm doing a good job asking questions with myself, and I can always do better, at least that's how I feel until I'm asleep. Waking up, it begins again. Never turning off. Slowing down, over-heating, too cool, just right, just wrong, but never off. It's off when I'm asleep, unconscious (sleep or something), or death. The latter of which I have yet to experience, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.

So today, I was reminded of a great movie, which is also more or less a sleeper hit, like Hobo with a Shotgun. Hobo with a Shotgun also has some interesting points, albeit most of them are extremely vulgar. Like a guy wearing ice-skates to kick the shit out of a Hobo with a shotgun.

Anyway, the movie that I was reminded of is called Unthinkable and it's one of the few movies where Samuel L. Jackson plays himself, i.e. not an angry black man, but a reserved man who is philosophical about the procedures of torture, interrogations, and the meaning of life. Seemingly enough he doesn't seem to enjoy what he does, yet he is still good at it.

Quotes of the interrogator:

"None of you understand, we don't stop, until this all checks out. That's the rules. It's my duty to continue.
[...]
Do you believe I can do this? Faith is not enough, he has to know it. KNOWING IT, is not enough! He has to see it." Unthinkable

Torture, interrogation, and difficult questions happen in a lot of shows I like. Not because I like the act of torture, but because torture depending on the application could be considered a challenge. 

For example: After given use of a car for over three years without having to pay for gas, insurance, or maintenance, one would say if someone took it away it would be "torture". One could say that being denied an opportunity to express oneself is torture.

"Every man, no matter how strong he is, lies to himself about something. I will find your lie. I will break you." Unthinkable

And yet, I wonder if we put ourselves in these positions? I'm sure we do, whether or not we are the one applying the challenge or receiving it. Whether it's emotional or physical, we choose to wake up and that's exactly what it is, it's a choice. A choice to participate or not. I choice to do nothing or something. I choice to make things worse or make them better. A choice to stay inside or to go [out] - the latter of which I actually said often in Hebrew and English. In some cases even the torturer is more than just an observer, depending on how the torture affects one, the person applying force might be the one who potentially is challenged the most. It all depends.

And we haven't even gotten around to whether or not torture is wrong, and so far I've evaded this question because for my own observations (in this post) it is a challenge. Most people getting "tortured" or interrogated in the films or shows that I quote have intentionally put themselves in positions where this could happen and they knew it.

"I let myself be caught. [..] I chose to meet my oppressors face-to-face! [...] This is not about me, this is about you!" Unthinkable

And here is another,

Drazi: "...There's nothing I can do."
John: "Yes there is! You can fight, you can refuse to surrender, you can refuse to be broken. You just have to say, 'No I won't.' One more time than they can say, 'Yes you will.'"
Drazi: "Capta--,"
John: "The moment you surrender, you become expendable."
Drazi: "I'm afraid, I've never been afraid before"
John: "We're all afraid. Don't give them what they want. Don't." Babylon 5

And another about challenges,

John: "You're trying to force us to decide which of you is right. You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides! Not for their benefit, but for yours! But what if the right choice, is not to choose [either one] at all?" Babylon 5

The above quote reminds me that during any challenge a person should or might want to understand who they are under the situation they are experiencing. As the above quote suggests the man above is going to take his side, for his own sake. Similar to children growing up and figuring out what is best for them. Just like a tree before it dies, it has to grow first.

And moreover, sometimes torture/interrogation/pain/challeneges come in active reflection as the below conversation happens to suggest:

G: "The[y] started it."
K: "And will you continue, until there are no more [of you], and no more [of them]? If both sides are dead, no one will care which side deserves the blame. It no longer matters who started it, G [...]. It only matters who is suffering."
G: "No. No, I have an obligation [...]"
K: "And how have you chosen to honor that [..]? What is there left for [you] if all of creation falls around us? There is nothing. No hope, no dream, no future, no life. Unless we turn from the cycle of death toward something greater. If we are a dying people, then let us die with honor, by helping the others as no one else can."
G: "I don't understand."

K: "Because you have let them distract you. Blind you with hate. You cannot see the battle for what it is. We are fighting to save one another. We must realize we are not alone. We rise and fall together. And some of us must be sacrificed if all are to be saved. Because if you fail in this then none of us will be saved, and [you all] will be only a memory.

You have the opportunity here and now to choose, to become something greater and nobler and more difficult than you have been before. [...]"
G: "Why now? Why not earlier? All this time, where have you been?"
K: "I have always been here." Babylon 5

I must say that I do enjoy Babylon 5 because it offers insight to difficult questions in life when we torture, interrogate, or challenge ourselves or another. In most cases in life, unless we're in Cambodia's S-21 prison or death camps in Nazi German or Russia, we're probably just going to put ourselves in positions where we challenge, if not, torture ourselves. 

The sad part is that, even in my own experiences when I reflect, I can't honestly say that I didn't know any better. In most cases, I knew the score, which is another opportunity for me to pitch the movie Heat (1995) to everyone, "He knew the risks, he didn't have to be there. It rains... you get wet." 

I don't have to be anywhere, and even not going anywhere comes with its own price-tag. 

But we know about those* already, don't we?

Is knowing really enough? Do we really have to see the price tag? 

 Sometimes yes, but whether seeing the price tag is torture or embraced, is something that is entirely up to the individual. As an individual.

*2012年3月20日 Price Tags (URL)

2012年4月4日 ARRRGGHH!H!!!!

FML

I hate it when I go to a concert and I spend most of my time sitting, unable to actually see the bands. With that I said, I don't mind getting free beer and enjoying good company. However there is a downside to the beer.

Me: "Drinking makes the pain in my knee worse."

Fozzjnen: "When I drink the pain in my shoulder and back goes away."

Me: "Fuck my life."

2012年3月31日 "It might be a tumor..."

Boiling point?

I have (direct/extended) family members who talk around me. It gets to the point where when their irritation with me is at its boiling point, it already feels like game over. "Game over" in the sense that me saying anything doesn't change shit, because they seem happier demonizing me and ignoring me when they aren't.

Actually, it's more like Mt. Saint Helens blowing up. Mainly because they don't talk to me to directly begin with, a lot of dialog is left in the dark. I'm pretty straightforward and open to conversation. Because of that, I really fucking hate being talked around. I think if I had a headache tumor I would name it the names of my family members.

What it basically comes down to is this, instead of people keeping a up-to-date communication with me, in terms of this or that, other members talk with Member-X about me. Member-X get information about me passes it on, and then the other members gripe at me with bullshit. What pisses off the most, is that how everyone ends up talking around each other to the point where I actually think they lose track of what they're trying to tell me or anyone else. 

For example: "You can live here if you pay half the utilities and do some yard work."

What ends up happening: 

Member-X comes to me and says, "Member-Y wants you to pay Z" (double what I'm already paying).

Me: "That's not what I agreed to."

Member-X: "Well you're going to need to talk to Member-Y."

At this point I'm thinking it's okay to consult Member-X about things regarding this issue or similar ones, since Member-Y is telling Member-X to tell me important information. 

WRONG.

Member-X to me: "Don't do yard work when it's wet or raining." 

(Few days later) Member-Y: "WTF!? Why aren't you doing yard work?"

So what do I do? 

I'm told NOT to do yard work by Member-X when it's raining or wet, and yet Member-X informs Member-Y that I haven't been doing yard work (without telling Member-Y that they told me not to work on those days). Worse, I can't do yard work when I have work, school, shabbat, and knee problems. That kind of narrows my days doesn't it? 

Why is this important?

Because communication is important. Clear and straightforward communication takes away most, if not all, bullshit. Unless we're assessing instances of bad communication, anything other than important, clear, and straightforward communication (in issues similar to that above) is just a waste of time (unless wasting time is the objective).

With that said, I'm actually excited to resolve this tedious bullshit by contacting the head-hancho directly, regarding any problems AND only working with/for that person.

Thoughts?

2012年3月26日 I don't like random

I will always say it, but - which is a nice way to say, "I will say it as long as I can remember or don't change my mind." BUT - I don't believe anything is random, at least when humans are involved. I don't think it's possible for someone "out of the blue" begin laughing for no reason. I believe there is a reason. If that reason is chemical or just some sick joke the person doesn't want to share, it's still a reason and therefore not random. Kind of like finding really strange and awkward statements written on bathroom stalls. You may think, "Oh, well that's random." What you really should be concerned about is why someone carries a sharpie around with them...

A cock or My cock on a rail,
it's soo random!

My knee this morning gave me a lingering pain that sucked all life out of my eyes and the motivation to do anything other than lie back down to dream. I don't believe the pain was random. I'm sure there is a reason, but at present I can't put my finger, hand, cock, whatever on it. I genuinely believe that emotional pain affects the physical body, and vice-versa. In fact, even medical doctors agree that those suffering from the burning sensation of arthritis suffer from depression. Kind of like the economy. I guess there isn't much to say since my cock is on the fence perched on a rail regarding this issue.

Anyway, pain and I shared a blanket this morning and throughout the day. I don't know why, but I don't believe it's random. No, I'm not hiding some kind of secret (outside of party liquor, depression, and indecision), but I am dealing with difficult things in life right now.

As for real randomness, I used the number generator found here.
I put a min of 1, and a max of 365.
I got 201.


I could always call the waaaahmbulance for my knee.

2012年3月18日 Cheap Coffee and food

Coffee Sunday, with just enough room for sunshine.

My order got fucked up and the wrong food, but it wasn't noticeable until I realized there was ZERO spice and they added pineapple. Otherwise it was what I ordered more or less, but still WRONG and not enough. I ended up getting my food, but I was too hungry to wait, so I ate from both dishes. My stomach felt like it was going to burst. Maybe it was the house special?

2012年2月15日 Drugs revisited

So earlier in the day CNN did an article about how former drug addicts are kicking their addiction with sports, which is like overcoming marijuana by taking up smoking. Not all "sports" are damaging, but eventually you'll see that improper training and other mistakes will lead to serious joint or other related issues as the applicant ages.

I personally believe that exercise can be a drug and an addiction. I also believe that most things in life, if not all things, should be done in moderation; however, I don't believe my idea of moderation works for everyone, just what you think is proper moderation for yourself.

From a guy whose
addicted to cookies...

There are a lot of health freaks who loathe everything, and everyone, who is less healthy than themselves, which is entertaining because eventually one's own genes will catch up with them, either that, car accidents or suicide bombers. No amount of running, cycling, cardio-workouts, face-fucking, fisting, boxing, or whatever is going to prevent death. Death happens. No amount of wishful thinking is going to get anyone through anything, especially without hope. I get irritated when I read these articles and I imagine kids in hospitals or in wheel-chairs or stuck on a couch because they're in so much pain from whatever disease or aliment. It's like this article is saying that "Only healthy people who can work out are allowed to feel good."

I suppose being limited in what I can do physically makes me frustrated when I see these articles like the one I read, but in reality it makes me feel better, because some people actually have to continue with taking drugs in one way or another. That same "high" effect, albeit slightly different than taking a drug, is still sought. You see it with runners when they have their own "high." It's like trading in a Ferrari (meth) for a Toyota Corolla (running). I'm sure marijuana is like a Winnebago. They're only trading one for another.

Ain't this shit the truth.

As for drugs themselves, I'm sure cocaine in moderation isn't problematic. Hell doctor's prescribe drugs all the time. I'm happy that my own feelings on these issues about feeling good or bad is seriously regulated to one thing alone, one single characteristic, which I believe is inherently human and breaks the limitations of biology and possible genes - unless genes contributed to it - and that is choice. I alone get to decide how "high" I want to be and whether or not I'm going to feel good about life or not. I can feel good and great mainly because I'm who I am.

The article can be found here, or below.

Denver (CNN) -- When Nick Nisbet says he once hit rock bottom, he means it. 

"I had a heroin overdose. I stopped breathing for too long, and I died. My heartbeat stopped and brain waves stopped," he said. "They had to jump-start me with the paddles." 

The 2006 episode finally persuaded Nisbet to kick his deadly drug habit. But getting clean -- and staying clean -- was a daunting proposition. 

"I'd tried to get sober many times," the 34-year-old said. "I tried the methadone clinic, I tried just cold turkey. But ... you need to fill the void with something." 

He tried 12-step meetings, but they depressed him. So when his girlfriend told him about Phoenix Multisport, a sober support community that offers free athletic activities, he agreed to check it out. 

"I reluctantly went, thinking it was just going to be a big waste of time," he said. "Turns out it was the best move I ever made in my life." 

Phoenix, named after the mythical bird that rises from its ashes, helped Nisbet rediscover his love of biking. It also connected him with other recovering addicts who wanted to be active. 

"They just make sure that you're staying sober and having fun doing it," he said. "It's the best support crew I could imagine having." 

More than 4,700 people have participated in Phoenix, which Scott Strode started in 2007. Most join the group because they've struggled with drug or alcohol addiction. 

"Life should be better once you get sober," said Strode, 38. "(We want to) help people build a new life, a new self-image and have fun without getting high." 

Strode developed his approach through hard-won personal experience. He started drinking when he was just 10 years old. By 15, he was using cocaine. 

His addictions intensified after college. One night, after a bender, he woke up on the bathroom floor. 

"Suddenly it dawned on me that if I didn't change things, I was going to overdose and that was going to be how my mother would find me," he said. 

He decided to give it all up for good. But that meant abandoning his entire social network, as everyone he knew was involved in drinking and drugs. 

Rising from the ashes 

"Overnight, your friends are gone, you're alone," he remembers. "It was a depressing first three months of recovery." 

Eventually Strode started working out at a boxing gym, and he later got involved with triathlons and climbing. These new activities kept him busy, and they also made him feel good.

"You start to believe you can succeed in whatever you do, whether that's your sobriety or ... crossing the finish line," he said. 

But for Strode, the most important factor was that many of the people he met through these activities were sober. With these friendships, he built a new support system. 

"It was surrounding myself with a group of people that would rather get up at 7 in the morning to climb a mountain than to stay up until 7 in the morning drinking and using," he said. "With influences like that, I just moved further away from the darkness of my addiction." 

In 2005, during a climbing trip, Strode realized that New Year's Eve had passed and he hadn't given so much as a thought to drugs or alcohol. He decided he wanted to share what he'd learned with others.  

A year later, Phoenix Multisport began offering programs in Boulder, Colorado. 

Phoenix offers around 50 programs every week, ranging from casual walks and yoga to mountain biking and ice climbing. Activities are led by field instructors, all of whom are in recovery and happy to show beginners the ropes.  

The organization provides the gear and also offers grants to help people purchase their own equipment. Nearly all events -- with the exception of overnight activities or ski trips -- are free. 

"It's a great way to introduce people into something that then later becomes ... sort of their coping mechanism, as opposed to picking up a drink or a drug, " Strode said. 

He notes that Phoenix isn't a substitute for any other recovery support program; in fact, many in the group are also in 12-step programs. But Strode believes the natural "high" that people get from Phoenix activities can be transformative. 

"Just getting the blood pumping again -- for a lot of our folks, it's been a long time since that's happened," he said. "The physical effects of exercise translate to your work, your family life, your belief in yourself." 

Anyone who has been sober for 48 hours is welcome to come to one of Phoenix's open sessions to participate in an activity and learn about the group.  

After attending several events, individuals are invited to join, provided they sign a pledge to treat everyone respectfully and stay sober. Some members are hard-core athletes, but the group welcomes people of all fitness levels. 

Most participants have never been active. 

Phoenix is now in four locations in Colorado: Boulder, Colorado Springs, Denver and Fort Carson, where the organization does outreach with veterans and active-duty military personnel.  

Strode would like to expand beyond Colorado later this year, and he hopes Phoenix will one day become a national program. 

Already, members can often be seen in their red-and-black Phoenix jerseys at competitions around the country. By being open about their sobriety, Strode hopes they're helping to reduce the stigma of addiction. 

"There's so much camaraderie, people often come up and ask us how they can join our club," he said. "We're having fun, and we're proud of being sober." 

Nisbet's pride in his sobriety is easy to spot. He sports tattoos on each finger to spell out "DRUG FREE." 

"I was proud to be Nick the heroin addict," he said. "When I stopped, I was just plain old boring Nick, I thought. ... Now I get my self-confidence by being able to go out and run a marathon or riding my bike for 100 miles. I like having that identity, as the guy that can do endurance sports. It feels good." 

Now married, Nisbet wants to set a good example for his 10-month-old son old by graduating from college. Just recently, he got a new tattoo to cover up one that he got when he was using. The design? A colorful phoenix. For him, the symbolism means a lot. 

"Anytime I look down and see (it), it's rising, so ... no more muttering around," he said. "Life is way too short to waste it doing drugs."

2011年10月19日 Sleep and smug lesbians

I woke up in a sweat to Ivanova speaking about C&C's procedures or something related to the war. I wasn't, quiet sure why I had not set a timer to turn off the T.V. It wasn't like I didn't want to watch Babylon 5, but waking up to it in a sweat was problematic. Or was it the amount of heat I felt while sleeping? I'm sure that could have been it, but I wasn't sure which of the two it was specifically. So I went back to sleep, over slept, but still made it to work well on time. I was just exhausted emotionally the week and prior week. This explains why when I got home zonked out as soon as I sat down.

Something I wanted
to do this morning

Spacing out at work this morning, I listened William Shatner sing Rocket Man. Then some idiot-man-hating-lesbian-customer who instead of actually getting proper instruction on computer use, did her best to "solve" her problem by downloading installers for programs already on the computer! Eventually the crazed angry, and presumed, lesbo started smugly talking to me from her seat, while the industrial printer was running as if it were a belt fed machine gun. She was about 15 feet away from me, and talking at a low voice. I couldn't hear a damn word she said. So I got up, walked to her, stared at her as if she is a moron, which I believe she is, and I told her, "I'm sorry I can't hear you over printer." Blah blah blah, from both of us. Eventually I solved the problem in less than 15 seconds. I could have held my breath and did such, if I did  not have to speak. Her alien sounding "Thank you sir." only confirmed my assumptions of militant-feminist-lesbianism.

I wasn't angry at her per se but rather dealing with people who don't want help, and yet she obviously couldn't solve it on her own. I- No, I'm actually am irritated that she looked irritated that she had to ask me. I'm sure it bothered her to thank me. I could help, I did help, and yet it just bothered me because I didn't feel like anyone learned anything, other than I realized I didn't really learn anything or change. I'm wondering how I can fix that or if I can't do it alone? But in the end, in the very end, I was happy I did help her. Even though I was irritated at her ambiguous behavior and smug face. The latter of which I find disturbing. Fucking man-hating-militant-lesbians. It's really the man-hating ones that bother me.

It's worse for me when I'm asked for help, and as soon as I ask a question or want to provide help, I'm waved off or my help is dismissed. I've had that happen while trying to direct someone to another department:

"Excuse me do you know where the picture department is?"
"What are you trying to do?"
"Oh never mind."

Me pissed off and irritated, "Wait." said sternly, "Are you trying to get an ID or replacement? If so, go into that building. It's the far right corner."
"Oh, um thanks." She said as if she didn't care.

I was pissed off at that. If she didn't care, don't ask me to! Especially when one asks for help.

This morning would have been easier to deal with if I didn't have to deal with goddamn militant lesbians, and if the banana bread I bought in the cafeteria didn't taste old.

2011年10月18日 Dampers

I was flying at around a low seventy plus. The road was clear, along with black morning sky. Stars were still out, and while I maintained some degree of insecurity within myself, I felt relatively safe in the car. 

Just safe enough.

But would it really be such?

When I parked I sat in the car for about 15 minutes to listen to more music. Windows up I watched nothing in particular. When I got out of the car I remembered a conversation I had with a professor within the previous day.

Or was it another day?

We battled wits, albeit his superior to mine, and not without my reverence towards him for even wanting to talk about certain issues. Suicide was addressed. Unlike other conversations I've had to either justify or demonize such, he concluded the dialog with something like, "In Noh, when one's soul is floating around it isn't important anymore to that soul in question whether or not they died valiantly on the battle, how they lived in life, or how they committed suicide. What matters is how they'll stand in front of Buddha before he sends them to where they ought to be, because the soul is more important than any of that."

Isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be most important?

Why not?

So I left my regular area of operations. I avoided the issues I wanted to address. I avoided the work, and I avoided my thoughts, myself, and I avoided my soul.

I sat down on a wood chair, and began to adjust my emotional and spiritual dampers to 70%. Instruments were all accounted for. Flight two-zero-niner cleared for vector three-two-four. Roger. I tapped my fingers on the small wood table in front of me and contemplated.

Would you mind if I had the controls?

I've got it from here. I said. Lying to myself as I leaned back in my chair.
Roger, switching to auto-pilot.  

I looked down at the table in front of me. When I reached out, my hand felt cold again.

2011年10月14日 Down time

Mr Yuk,
get to know
his face

Over the past few weeks, maybe even longer than that have I felt like total shit. Sometimes not so much. Depressed from the knee, depressed from living, depressed from dying. Everything is depressing, and at the same time everything isn't. 

2011年10月2日 Shabbat Dreams, they last after I wake up

After shul I usually take a nap, since I'm not going to use a computer, phone, etc. I'll watch TV if it's left on, but I would not turn it on just to watch it. I usually enjoy sleeping, and dreaming, so it's kind of a bonus to have encouragement to due such.

Today's nap was kind of disturbing. I had a dream that reminded me of a large field, almost the same size of a football field, yet indoors. There were obstacles around the field to conceal oneself, etc. In a sense it looked like 2-fort on Team Fortress Classic, except without a moat, buildings, or a bridge.

I was on a "team" if you could call it that, consisting of mainly Japanese people who were college aged. They gave me some orders, to which I ignored, and then I went off to do my own thing. They didn't seem happy, but given what they ordered me to do, I felt totally useless. Although I can't remember what they wanted me to do. I think I spent most of my time watching the field from a concealed position where I could observe my "base" and the backs of the "enemies". I could have been flanked, but my position was awkward and of no use offensively for my team, other than passively. I remember tackling someone, and at some point the game concluded. I was bothered by some of the Japanese guys for my behavior or theirs, I can't remember, but I shrugged it off. 

What bothers me about this dream isn't that I have playing a first person shooter games, as I haven't in over a month, but rather what bothers me is that I actively thought about how different and apart from the Japanese I was in my dream and in real life. In my dream I thought about that in real life I have no Japanese friends. I have no one I could say I am extremely close with beyond quid pro quo. And honestly, I didn't know why. I could come up with bullshit intellectual reasons as to why we're different, blah blah blah. Culture this, culture that, but then I thought about other people whom I cared about, people further away than Japan. People from other parts of the world. And I love them, and I care about them. Yet the Japanese, I felt nothing for.

Then she came into my dream: my ex-(Japanese)-girlfriend, whom I'll refer to as Cake, which is kind of funny since real cake to me in general is kind of hit or miss, nor am I a big fan of such. I just picked "Cake" because "restricted" seemed to be more aggressive, if not dis-respective. 

I was actually surprised as happy to see her. She seemed casually indifferent, neither happy or sad to see me, yet greeted with me cordial mannerisms. I wasn't sure how else to talk to Cake other than the expected cordial, yet banal, set phrases in English and in Japanese. Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I realized that I most likely will never see her again or have a chance talk to her, but this didn't bother me a bit. What really-really bothered me, was that in my dream even after waking up, I felt as if I could call her a friend. So naturally it bothered me when I felt as if I had a Japanese friend, or rather a friend at all for that matter, but then I was coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't be one. And all avenues for that were gone. It was like visiting ruins that weren't worth visiting. Being hungry, and realizing no amount of food would change a thing. Trust between us died at some point, and after such a deep investment, regardless of what happened, a part of us died too.

I felt cold for a brief moment. Physically I was quite warm, although I had no blanket. Waking up wasn't something that was alien. Alien was waking up and adjusting to the loud noises, which surprisingly was not the reason for me waking up. My dreams were deep enough to have their own sound filters. I heard nothing else but the dreams, well, until I woke up. Duh.

I felt cold that even if she was my friend now, we were different people. I felt bad she would not know who I am. Maybe it's not for me to decide that, but I feel as if the person during those times - me - would not recognize the one writing this now.

Did I change that much? 

Did she? 

Would I still make sacrifices for her? 

Would she?

Did I die inside that much? 

Did she?

Is she happy about the same things from yesterday to today? 

Am I? 

"No, I'm not." 
But I won't change the past with the feelings of today or tomorrow, although I will allow facts to embellish the blurry sections of history, I will not allow such to manipulate the feelings of the past. 

I'd really like to believe that I won't allow it, but I am not sure if I have the desired discipline I revere so much.

"You're not happy at all, at least not about those things when you look back." 

I'm not angry either.  

"Everything you did, regardless of right or wrong, when you did a 100 percent you did not always get the final results you wanted."

I know. But we're not supposed to like it.

"I know."

I never liked dealing with issues where no one wins. I never liked watching people cut themselves off. They could have cut me, they could have hurt me. Making me bleed. All of it out. I was, nor am, ever happy to have them cut me, only to hurt themselves in the process. I can deal with the pain. - Really?- But I can't, or rather I have difficult, knowing they have theirs. Yet I still have seen some of them die a bit inside. 

For what, I don't know. Nor, am I supposed to know, I imagine.

"Do they?"

And yet people laughed at me, when I said was afraid of watching people die inside.

And yet people ignored me, when I said I wanted to grow.

"Good for you." I could hear words say. Just like them I could really only remember the bad things I did, and while I didn't want to appear as a braggart, I could almost see nothing with myself in terms of merits beyond intellectual or spiritual, and because of those things I couldn't actually put them on a resume. At least one that isn't being mailed to G-d. I don't even know if growing helps. Going higher and higher, only to have less oxygen at my disposal. Growth.

After that dream, I wondered if it was possible.

I wondered if the rain actually helped.

Before all this I wondered about G-d, wondering if He is going to come down and help. Only now, at the time I write this, do I realize that going to Him is like joining the Marine Corps 40 years ago: you must be broken, so that you can be rebuilt. It's not going to be overnight, it's not going to be easy, and it can't be without some degree or foundation of love. Even though at times I feel cold-hearted and uncaring. I'm sure some answers will come. Today's answer was in my Siddur (Sim Shalom). I think it refered to Psalm 147:3, but I don't know for sure. 

I'm not alone in being distracted!

In my situation, I have accepted that there are many things that distract me. Sometimes I see something, and I forget to take into account the situation that I am in. I'm not sure how else to express such frustration. I don't believe I'm avoiding my own situation, it's just that I do not value such, or rather I would not want to put my being and situations requiring such, above another's, unless it - another's lot - becomes problematic as in abusive or destructive for them. Gauging these things seems arbitrary, but necessary and unnecessary at the same time. I wonder about my lot in life. Sometimes, at least on a daily basis, I find something that is regrettable, yet I rarely ever find something that is never-regrettable, outside of love and friendship. As a result, when I think of the latter of those, I become distracted and avoid the trivial structures and foundations of societies.

It seems I am still dreaming, well after I wake up.

2011年9月29日 It's harder + The Dapl

I woke up around 7am thinking I had plenty of time to eat breakfast and make morning services at shul. And yet I ended up being slightly on time, which to others doesn't mean jack, since people came and went at will. Even in the middle of the service! Anyhow, I had NO IDEA the service was going to be 5 hours long, without a break. Damn.

One of the points that was addressed was the following:

Given a choice, it is better to die than:

• Rape someone or commit incest.
• Kill someone.
• Worship other gods or idolatry.

Surprisingly these things make sense to me. The rabbi went on about how technology and being connected sometimes negates our connection with ours or ourselves. Yes we can text at the dinner table when it's with our family, or updating one's status in the middle of the marriage ceremony [link].

What is idolatry? I worship a pillar or golden statue? To westerners this seems like a joke, yet people in the world STILL do this! Just look at Kamakura as an example. Worse, maybe it's not so clear now that things have changed for us, maybe it's not clear now that technology and society around us has changed. We're worshiping money, careers, and becoming a slave to those things all the while. Whether or not we're successful matters more to us than God.

Last night someone brought up, and said something about being a Jew and not being religious or believe in "God." I was wondering, but didn't say, 

"How the fuck are you a Jew then?   

Why did you even bother to cover your head as you lit those candles? 

Why should I wear a yarmulke?

How is it any different to worship your stuff or success as if it's a golden calf?

Why should ANYONE who wants to convert to be a Jew have to do it religiously then? Especially when you're not."

I wondered how some of them could say "Jews for Jesus" are not Jews, and yet the atheists among them, and agnostics could say even if G-d exists they wouldn't believe Him anyhow. I couldn't understand how it made sense for them to differentiate themselves from others. I'm not a Jew, and yet comparatively I could feel a certain degree of tension from them as I said I try my best to keep kosher and do my best to keep shabbos as holy as possible, except for driving. If I can light candles on shabbat, I can light gasoline on fire with the turn of a key. That's not work to me when I really enjoy it or am I using money, etc. I keep my phone off, I don't use email, I don't turn on a T.V., I don't do intense cooking. Blah blah blah. I felt bad for them. I felt bad for myself. Am I just wasting time? What's the point? Again, I felt like the question, "Who is a Jew?" Needed to be answered. Some of them did not keep kosher, nor did that really matter to me (whether or not they did), yet worst of all some did not believe "God" existed, yet they celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, and Passover, and even more.

On a side note, I have made it a point that I could eat at Subway if I told them NOT to use the same knife to cut my food as others, i.e. "Could you use a clean knife?" No diary with meat, which is easy since I don't like cheese. And Jew stuff can be really cheesy. Anyhow, I learned all this from Fig when he brought up his friend eating at Subway. At first I was thinking, "Nah I won't do that." But now I'm wondering how far I can bend the rules, just like a real Jew. Refer to Jacob, the Jew who basically told G-d "Help me and I'll believe in you! If not, I won't!" 

Okay back on the topic. "Culturally Jewish." Is a term that I want to banish to the back of my mind. Unlike Christmas which has been bastardized, violated, and commercialized I almost see no difference with those Jews. They're just like people who celebrate Christmas, yet claim "The Bible" and "Jesus" are all bullshit anyhow. And sure, why not, it's just a commercial holiday now, but those who celebrate it aren't just Christians. Yet with Rosh Hashanah it's Jews, even if they don't believe in G-d. Which to me makes absolutely no sense. 

I have wondered at times if Fig could be considered a Jew since he's celebrated Christmas and what not. In fact I have told Fig that he's not a Jew, even if the State of Israel would allow him citizenship (regardless of whether or not he has it or not). As far as I'm concerned with Christmas and Christianity, I won't even go into a church. Even if a family member was getting married there or actually more depressing a close friend wants me to attend a wedding and it's not Jewish.

What would I do? 

I wouldn't go. 

I have to give these things up. Not because I am obligated to, but because the desire to be a Jew requires such. But with someone who claims to be "born a Jew" they could basically do whatever they want (at least here in America), and still fall back on blood, which something some of them don't even recognize to begin with, as some basically say they don't believe in G-d. Who the fuck made the Jews? They wouldn't even exist without that foundation, not as Jews and not as a society with its present and past values.

Humility

I was told today, by an older Jewish man, who was my host for a Rosh Hashanah luncheon (the second of three - one on Wednesday night with the Silverdrivers, one today with the Tailors, and one tomorrow with Cabletons*- hosted meals), well anyway he says something like, "It's always interesting to me that converted Jews are more observant, if not more than those who are born into it."

*Ladies and gentlemen: the story you just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Before the end of service today, I bowed symbolically to acknowledge to G-d I am totally responsible for my own sins and goodness. Some people got on the ground to prostrate themselves to a higher degree. I'm not a Jew, but I did get my neck low enough so it could have been severed with ease.

Is it really harder knowing people feel that way? No, it's not. What's harder is the other stuff.

I wonder everyday as I go to services (although not everyday), when I read the Torah, pray, and when reflect on my life, how much I have to give up. I'm wondering if I'm giving up too much, or not at all. Maybe I'm losing so much more than just Christmas and my, most of the time, loathsome extended family on my mother's side. I do wonder. There must be no sense of entitlement.

Not a good idea.

Dapl called me the other night and he expressed how depressed he was about life. This time it did not seem like a cry for help, but rather just acknowledgement that life genuinely does suck and that he can't deal with it anymore. I thought of Budd Dwyer immediately. It didn't turn out well for Dwyer. I thought about Dapl moving to Montana, if he even gets there, since he's having trouble getting himself there with his stuff. I have a feeling he's either going to get through this, although it's going to grey his hair a little bit more, or he's going to kill himself over the stress. I'm serious. 

I wonder what Fig's take would be, as I know what Fozzjnen's take would be, "Wakka-wakka."

Do you wonder how we came to be here? 

Do you wonder if we could find us from here? 

Look inside. Do you feel anything but bitter? 

Anything but sad and lost? -GN

Sometimes I do. 

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I do feel like making the decision to be with G-d,
makes me lose things that I will never have ever again.

2011 年9月23日 No sleep (part 2 continued)

I was reading information about statistics for suicide by gun versus homicide, since most people accuse guns of doing both. I suppose having over 10 spoons in your house and being underweight because of starvation is the equivalent to saying the spoons are fascists in league with Nazis or Pol Pot.

So I'm reading along and I find a checklist for people who are thinking about suicide. I was surprised I scored pretty high on the list. Here's the list:

Suicide Warning Signs:

"MTFU" the only true
way to avoid suicide.

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
  (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.) Check. My big ears are not wind resistant when I drive fast with windows down, making things difficult.
• Talking or writing about death or suicide. Check 2. See title of blog and title of post.
• Withdrawing from family and friends [or loss of friends.] Check 3. I have had two friends withdraw from my life within a month and a half.
• Feeling hopeless. Semi-check 3.5.
• Feeling helpless. Semi-check again 4. I'm stuck with Session lager in my fridge until I fix that.
• Feeling strong anger or rage. Nope.
  
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.Check 5. I feel that way every day as soon as I wake up and realize I will have to pay taxes at some point in my life.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes. Semi-check 5.5. I've had experiences that change dramatically, and they affect my mood.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol. Semi-check 6. I talk about booze all the time, and I love drinking more than I do breathing.
  
• Exhibiting a change in personality. Check 7. Giving things up for Jew-stuff.
• Acting impulsively. Nope. At least not without reason, and that's not impulsive.
• Losing interest in most activities. Check 8. Jew-stuff has the powah!
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits. Check 9. No shit.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits. Check 10. No sleep = no time to prepare breakfast. It should be call makefast, since I did not break from fasting.
• Losing interest in most activities. Check 11. Jew-stuff tells me no goyim stuff. Why is this posted twice?! Fuck! I'm losing interest in answering.
• Performing poorly at work or in school. Check 12. I'm not sure how this may apply outside of lacking in sleep.
• Giving away prized possessions. Semi-check 12.5. Does destroying them count? Refer to puzzling.
• Writing a will. Not yet.
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame. Check 13.5. I don't like embarrassing people about Jew-stuff.
• Acting recklessly. Check 14.5. Listening to Cop Killer driving 9mph above the posted speed limit qualifies.

So I scored 14.5 points out of 20, with some of my checks as semi-checks of .5 points each. I guess I really need some sleep. Or drugs. Or something. Or drug-somethings.

2011年9月23日 No sleep (part 1)

Can't sleep clowns will eat me.

This morning I showed up late to work by about 10 minutes or so. It was mainly because I'm getting home waaaay late some nights. I blame this on metal and my commuting distance. I'm so far away that after metal, I can't just get "dropped" off. As a result my sleep suffers, I suffer, and my knee treats me like shit, which is another topic. Honestly I can't blame metal, because I like metal. Yet I'm extremely depressed that I might have to say "No." to metal because I live far away and it would affect school and work. This bothers me.

I normally get up around 5am, if things are normal. Lately things have not been normal. I haven't been sleeping well do to my knee and some other factors, like metal.  I have a tendency to forget I just said something a few minutes ago and I repeat it. Did I mention earlier that sometimes sleep allows me to forget things and then I repeat it again?

I would feel the same this if
I were this chick, err, or is it a dude?

Okay, a few emotional-intellectual issues also, but I'm not going to talk about them here. I would have written about them in my journal, but I lost that somewhere at or around work. That sucks since I'm not sure where it is, or rather where it went or if it's genuinely in good hands or bad hands. I'd like to believe it is in good hands. And I suppose if I were able to sleep, feeling and believing it's in good hands would help. Although the loss of my journal has not taken sleep away from me so far. If I continue with whining and bitching about my journal, there would be an expectation to do such with Ray Ban Wayfarers and women's pants. What I don't get is why people spend 150 dollars on sunglasses (Wayfarers) only to look like a smug piece of shit? You don't need to spend 150 dollars on sunglasses to look like you don't give a shit about life.

In other news, Dapl (Drunk-And-Potato-Loving) mentioned he is being forced out of his place and is moving to Montana. This is depressing all together and I also lose sleep when I think about that along with the other intellectual-emotional issues I said I would not mention, or rather not mention.

Maybe I'll mention them, but first I need to buy a new journal! Or bourbon. Or something. Or bourbon-something. I have some ideas, but I think they involve drinking instead of buying a new journal.

I'm just hoping my sleep schedule kicks back into higher gear soon and I am less mentally fucked throughout my day. More information on whiny little bitches here.

2011年8月11日 Too tired!

You know those days where you can't do anything and you don't feel good, so you end up doing nothing?

That happens to be everyday for me when I don't have work. I end up feeling exhausted and spent due to the swelling from PT or just from general movement. I'm also wondering if it's because I'm not sleeping well, due to pain or low-self-esteem. It's possible I'm suffering from alcohol withdraw.

This morning I woke up to such a shitty dream.
I actually tried to sleep in a bit so I could at least wake up with a different dream. That's how my days have been going. Dreams suck so bad, are so horrible, and bother me so much that I end up wanting to sleep in longer skipping out on the most important part of my day: beer.

I've had my qualms with life before, but this one takes the cake, and it eats the cake. And then it signs my neighbors up for magazines. That's what life does to people, beyond being a shitty board-game.

[A]ll swollen and er, well,
obviously in pain.

The worst part of my post-knee-surgery recovery is that alcohol makes the pain worse. I'm not sure how to explain it, but drinking makes my knee feel like shit, or kind of like this woman's face all swollen, and er, well, obviously in pain.

On the upside, I'm happy I made a "whining" tag for this blog, because any form of a complaint is could still a form of whining. Go to a holocaust survivor's, POW survivor's, or "I'm in jail because I kissed my girl-friend with the land-line telephone, because I didn't want to punch her with a beer in my hand" meetings, and if you go to any of these I'm sure at some point you'll just think while sitting there listening to the endless gripes of old people and wife-beaters, "Sheesh get over it already!"

Thankfully, I'm bored enough not to get over it and more than happy to continue dialog on those issues, especially ones that involve potentially free beer.

And if for those who need a visualization (link) of getting the beat-down from a telephone. I kind of regret having a cellphone now, because I just don't feel it will make the same kind of impact (emotionally).

2011年8月7日 I'm alive but

damn am I busy as all hell. I'll have to post more later today about Friday and Saturday.

Holy Christmas Jew, I haven't been this busy in a while.

2011年7月28日 Default and PT

There are things I do not understand about the government:

1. Why it is called congress instead of progress?
2. Why is it called a default when we know whose fault it is for failing the citizens of the USA?

This is basically what will happen
to the United States at this rate.

Is this like denounce? Deduce? Debuggers? De-bunkers?

This isn't rocket science, at least not until we figure out a way to strap all these fuckers to a rocket with a one-way-ticket to the sun, or Uranus! The latter is definitely preferred, since it's possible that anyone of us actually voted for these wind-bags.

Today also was physical therapy, which is a good time to examine words again.

What can we do with therapy? 

Well what about the therapist? 

The rapist, see therapist, more or less bent my knee back into natural positions, helping me on the long road to recovery, because the short road to recovery is beer aisle at Fred Meyer's.

In any case, just like anyone who encounters The rapists one will probably need a long hot shower to begin functioning enough for sleep. I know my knee definitely wants a shower after today. 

Fucking therapists and debt-ceiling.

No, I'm not talking about my daily-life, although the tag is there, 

but yes, those bastards ought to be fucked 

the way the citizens of the USA are being penetrated right now.

At least one of them managed to get progress today, and in all honesty my contempt for therapists is not all that bad. Today went well, and obviously I am open to going again, in spite of throbbing pain due to the processes.

It is said that everything that is born is born screaming, covered in blood, and in pain of some sort.
Just check out this one! I assure you, it's not about my sexual encounters with bizarre hookers with cheap pot.

2011年7月27日 Not feeling to great

The throbbing persists, and will for sometime. 

Among other things in life, there isn't much I can do.

Sometimes when I feel trouble in life I am reminded of a strategic survival technique that a survivor expert once said,

"Often the greatest issue for people who love to hunt, fish, and adventure in the wilderness is overconfidence. Many times hunters are found 3 days being lost in the woods and the first thing they'll say to the rescuers is "I'm not lost." 

The same pride that let them believe their compass was wrong, or that they could keep walking through the night to get out, lasts right until the end where there is no admission they were indeed lost. 

As one pushes the other to keep on moving when in fact the best thing to do is to stop, build a shelter, and spend the night." - Les Stroud, Survivorman

So far this quote, although only 6 months a rough six months in my brain, seems to work great as a reminder.
It is so easy to replace, "hunt and "fish" with other things that are more relevant to owns on needs. Of course then the rest of the dialog is the same, but in all honesty I believe this quote to be important within one's own lifestyle be it spiritual or the occasional visits to glory holes.

As I close these thoughts, I keep hearing a distant voice, barely able to compete with the thumping trance music, "THIS IS YOUR LIFE ENDING ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL."

I can really only smile at this point.

2011年7月26日 Bandage removed

Although I do NOT like posting for a day that is already over.

I am posting for something I did during that day, and it is less than 24 hours since that time.

Today while visiting my doctor he informed me I can move about without gauze pads and ace bandage wraps on my knee.

The backside looks like this, and feels just as shitty.

I've had bruises in the past that have been pretty good in size, if not bigger, but not so diverse in this kind of color. The reason it is swollen is because there is a massive amount of blood still inside the knee, that eventually will work its way back into my system, according to the doctor. I can't just drain it, because it will fill back up, or so I'm told. At present I'm not bold enough to try proving them wrong. The worst part, isn't the bruising, but the swelling and pain accompanying such.

2011年6月23日 Communication Break down

"I thought you weren't going to take us. You said you weren't going to"

"No, I said I wasn't sure if I could or not." 

I countered truthfully from what I could remember of the previous night.

Blah blah blah. The waste of words continued and as all magical results: nothing got done. I watched them complain at me from the top of the stairs. I didn't even want to bother and I hated waiting for any progress to happen, so I took the steam-cleaner from them and returned it to the store.

On the way back home, passing their condo, I kept wondering about how annoying it is to be asked to help someone at irregular hours. I don't mean hours like midnight or what not. Basically I don't like it when someone asks me to help them with something at 3pm, and I end up wasting, literally doing nothing, for 2 hours, and then finally at 5pm they have something they could use me for specifically. Yet I can't just leave during the 2 hour wait, because then they're not sure if they'll finish on time or what not. Worse I don't have anything to do during the time I wait for them to get their shit together. 

"Why is everyone so mean to me!"

Actually that isn't the worst part. The worst part is when I have to deal with the retarded manatee, who is more or less so fucking lazy that It doesn't even bother to do anything except follow people who are actually working. If no one told It to actually do something, it would just sit, eat, and look at Facebook.  

I have made it a serious habit over the past several months that when someone asks me a favor, and they are not my friend, that they specifically tell me what they want. Giving me a heads-up on how long whatever is going to take is even better, and in most cases I require this knowledge regardless.

I guess the point that I'm trying to imply, vaguely, is that communication breaks down immediate when people stop talking, stop asking questions, and stop trying to confirm or verify information. When we start assuming about other people, or acquire the information through other means, it usually becomes tainted by our own views or another's. Moral of the story? There are no morals: just don't stop talking.

I could go for a beer.