2012年5月14日 Music is food for the soul & love

(VIDEO heavy)

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

- Twelfth Night, by Snakeshit Shakespeare

Over the past three days I have been thinking about small talk. What is small talk? What is the most important thing you could find out about a person within the context of small talk? Music has to be in the top 5. "Why?" you ask? Because it's important to acknowledge someone's tastes, as listening to music is often what one enjoys doing with oneself.

If I ask a person what they listen to in terms of music, what they share with me, as above, is what they enjoy when they are alone. So for me to bash on what they like to do when they are alone is like bashing who they are as a person and individual. This is why music for small talk is important, however one shouldn't bullshit another with idiotic things like, "That's cool" when really one may have wanted to say I can't enjoy much like that. 

Nothing is more depressing than telling someone you listen to genre X or band Y and hearing from a them,

"That's cool." 

Yet 10 minutes later in the car they say something like, 

"Can we listen to something else?" 

What the fuck?

My advice is exactly what I said it is. Be honest and up front about your dislikes and likes. Don't try to be anything you're not. That calm, caring, nice, agreeable person, be it you or anyone who claims to be, only works when you're lying to your family/relatives, co-workers/customers, one-night-stands, and people you would never want to live with anyway. 

Saying you agree with, also enjoy, or giving any reinforcement towards a music genre or song a person says they enjoy, for which you secretly disagree with, is like making a broken promise up front. You are promising a compliment, which the listener could take with sincerity - as they ought to trust your word right? - and then secretly at the same moment you clearly disagree on the inside. You didn't break a promise, you made something that was already broken.

This is why asking about music is not only serious but also important. We shouldn't compromise who we are with ourselves when we're trying to share ourselves with others. What we listen to for ourselves is part of that. What's the purpose of getting to know someone? When all we do is either shoot down in secret who they are or doing it with ourselves with them? What a big fucking waste of time. Unless our objective is to take what we want a leave... But that's another repugnant thought for another day.

Here's how it may or should go down,

"I like N'sync."

"I can't listen to them, (because of x reason here...)

If someone has a problem with how you feel about X or Y band, artist, song, concerto, whatever, you can tell that person to "go play hide and go fuck yourself." No one should judge you for who you are with you, unless you're lying or destroying integrity. On a side note I've beat down integrity to the point where only shame and pain is left. So certainly learn from my experience if you can. But time and time again, I ramble...

We should use even more caution with anyone who says,

"I like all types of music." 

Unless they're God or a non-human, I'd say that person is flat out lying. We all know that a friend to all is a friend to none. 

I can honestly say that I my closest friends have shared music with me in the best way possible. My ex-GFs like music, but whatever they shared with me I couldn't always connect with after we were no longer dating. It was like I loved the songs because I was with them. Yet with my closer friends, we'd basically play "music tag". 

One week it's,

"Dude listen to this!" 

And then the next, 

"Oh dude! Check this band out!" 

"Feeling like shit? This song might make you feel better!"

Suggesting songs to those I care about and those back to me, and even now when we hear those songs we sometimes go back to emotions we've had when we first heard it and/or started loving it.

Yes, music is important.

In fact, music shouldn't be an escape, although at times it can be one. The issue where music and sharing one's music with another person becomes difficult is when someone reflects on why they enjoy X or Y band. But don't confuse difficult with problematic in this case.

I think ANY time one reflects on the music they enjoy there is a deeper understand of oneself, but when one avoids explanation, with phrases like, "Just because". It's almost like a person is afraid to create depth within their own being. It's their choice, but personally I genuinely don't like being around people who like things for the sake of liking them or without explanation.

Then again, I believe anyone who bothers sharing anything with me ought to explain oneself, including myself for choosing to listen to them!

Just a few examples, nowhere near the amount I'd like to share,

And one of my personal favorite top 5 songs ever, ends up as tie by the same artist,

Go to sleep, everything is alright.

2012年4月23日 April 23rd is "Fuck the Earth Day"

"April 22nd. Earth Day. A day when people around the world go the extra mile to care for our delicate planet. A day to remember to recycle, to drive your Prius, to reduce your carbon footprint.

And a day where I like to go around telling everyone I see, 'Fuck the Earth!'

I'm Jack English and I paid for this ad, to tell you about a new and better holiday, April 23rd, 'Fuck the Earth Day!'"

While this video is quite old it's a wonderful classic for several reasons... I'd love to share all of those reasons with you, but frankly speaking I enjoy this video because every-time I see bullshit "Save the Earth" or "Earth Day" propaganda I want to puke. Then I remember April 23rd is Fuck the Earth Day, and I end up smiling. As someone else once put it, 

"[T]he whole green movement wasn[']t created to help the [E]arth, it was created so big corporations can charge us more money for things that are "green." [F]uck that shit, if [I] want to drive a hummer over a pack of polar bears while eating zebra steak, [I'm] going to fucking do it. [F]uck hippies and fuck being green"

When some people tout that saving the Earth is important I almost invariably start talking about mass suicides, or rather, complete extermination of the human race. Not because I believe we deserve to die, but if the objective is to save the Earth, then us being here in any capacity other than how the Hopi indians lived will not help the Earth. 

"But we need to be here to save the Earth!" some might say. Save the Earth? What happens if a super-massive solar flare or black-hole comes out of nowhere and fucks Earth to shit? I don't think our insurance would protect us from something that catastrophic, or interesting for that matter.

Also if one were to look at aerial photos of before and after urban sprawl, one might learn to agree with me. We're doing more damage than good. My sources? Well a source is CNN, which is questionable on politics, but then again what isn't politics? More info here, http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/world/road-to-rio/satellite-photos-urban-sprawl/index.html?hpt=wo_mid

Who doesn't love a little
bling-bling?!

Just "[r]emember, Global Warming is just a theory, like the evolution or the metric system." Because even if things do get worse or better depending on how you feel about mass chaos, there is still hope, at least from Jack English,

"Learn to swim. And eat fucking rocks- people! Swim... And eat rocks. Happy Fuck the Earth Day"

So let's go drive our cars, use our Ipods from China, let's liter, flush the toilet more than once a day, shower for more than 3 minutes, and buy new clothes that were made in other countries -- I haven't even gotten to mention how much oil is used to transport useless goods (i.e. shit) from one shit country to another.

Sure people can argue saying, "Oh I've donated this or that!" But realistically it's bullshit. Anytime you buy a DVD, a new car, fuck-- Especially a sports-car! A big truck, anything plastic, anything that gets less than 70MPG, not growing your own garden (community or otherwise) you're failing the Earth. Besides do you really expect me to believe you're going to give up your bling-bling (designer, coffee-latte enema, fashion, whatever-car) so the earth feels better for .000000000000004 seconds? I doubt it.

So let's celebrate, "Fuck the Earth Day", because if global warming is a serious problem, why haven't we caused a nuclear winter yet?
Peace out. Fuckers.

2012年4月13日 "Knowing it is not enough!"

Me: "I like questions."

Her: "I knooow." She said sounding exhausted from the intensity of having that knowledge. Though I could never imagine a successful relationship from her other than her keeping a mattress warm, it did remind me that in the future if I do have what I believe is a successful relationship, it will be with someone who won't become exhausted from my questions.

I have come to the conclusion that the questions I ask are not what is exhausting, but rather the required brain power of each individual person. What does it matter if they tell me something of great value to them, and I have no influence in their life? What if what I tell them is of no matter and they are of great influence in my life? Wouldn't it be best to tell your greatest achievements to a stranger so that they can't destroy them? How about the opposite? Some would say yes, others would say no. I'm not going to debate which is right or wrong, and I'd digress too much if I did! But she did make that face, that face that says, "I can't think about that." Not because I asked her to, no. But because she cannot think about that with herself. 

Some people can flip a switch and tell you things all day long from an intellectual point of view, but just you wait until their emotions click on. I know at least 3 or 4 women who are able to disregard their emotions and talk without emotions on from their. Most of those women are almost like that 24/7, and it get's a little depressing. It changes though when they get drunk, but most of them almost always try to be in control. As for men like that? I can't imagine more than meeting two in my whole life. But I know they're out there, I have no doubt about that.

I think most would agree that having a balance of both, with oneself, is best. And finding the people who can be around that balance is equally important. So far, I'm doing a good job asking questions with myself, and I can always do better, at least that's how I feel until I'm asleep. Waking up, it begins again. Never turning off. Slowing down, over-heating, too cool, just right, just wrong, but never off. It's off when I'm asleep, unconscious (sleep or something), or death. The latter of which I have yet to experience, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.

So today, I was reminded of a great movie, which is also more or less a sleeper hit, like Hobo with a Shotgun. Hobo with a Shotgun also has some interesting points, albeit most of them are extremely vulgar. Like a guy wearing ice-skates to kick the shit out of a Hobo with a shotgun.

Anyway, the movie that I was reminded of is called Unthinkable and it's one of the few movies where Samuel L. Jackson plays himself, i.e. not an angry black man, but a reserved man who is philosophical about the procedures of torture, interrogations, and the meaning of life. Seemingly enough he doesn't seem to enjoy what he does, yet he is still good at it.

Quotes of the interrogator:

"None of you understand, we don't stop, until this all checks out. That's the rules. It's my duty to continue.
[...]
Do you believe I can do this? Faith is not enough, he has to know it. KNOWING IT, is not enough! He has to see it." Unthinkable

Torture, interrogation, and difficult questions happen in a lot of shows I like. Not because I like the act of torture, but because torture depending on the application could be considered a challenge. 

For example: After given use of a car for over three years without having to pay for gas, insurance, or maintenance, one would say if someone took it away it would be "torture". One could say that being denied an opportunity to express oneself is torture.

"Every man, no matter how strong he is, lies to himself about something. I will find your lie. I will break you." Unthinkable

And yet, I wonder if we put ourselves in these positions? I'm sure we do, whether or not we are the one applying the challenge or receiving it. Whether it's emotional or physical, we choose to wake up and that's exactly what it is, it's a choice. A choice to participate or not. I choice to do nothing or something. I choice to make things worse or make them better. A choice to stay inside or to go [out] - the latter of which I actually said often in Hebrew and English. In some cases even the torturer is more than just an observer, depending on how the torture affects one, the person applying force might be the one who potentially is challenged the most. It all depends.

And we haven't even gotten around to whether or not torture is wrong, and so far I've evaded this question because for my own observations (in this post) it is a challenge. Most people getting "tortured" or interrogated in the films or shows that I quote have intentionally put themselves in positions where this could happen and they knew it.

"I let myself be caught. [..] I chose to meet my oppressors face-to-face! [...] This is not about me, this is about you!" Unthinkable

And here is another,

Drazi: "...There's nothing I can do."
John: "Yes there is! You can fight, you can refuse to surrender, you can refuse to be broken. You just have to say, 'No I won't.' One more time than they can say, 'Yes you will.'"
Drazi: "Capta--,"
John: "The moment you surrender, you become expendable."
Drazi: "I'm afraid, I've never been afraid before"
John: "We're all afraid. Don't give them what they want. Don't." Babylon 5

And another about challenges,

John: "You're trying to force us to decide which of you is right. You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides! Not for their benefit, but for yours! But what if the right choice, is not to choose [either one] at all?" Babylon 5

The above quote reminds me that during any challenge a person should or might want to understand who they are under the situation they are experiencing. As the above quote suggests the man above is going to take his side, for his own sake. Similar to children growing up and figuring out what is best for them. Just like a tree before it dies, it has to grow first.

And moreover, sometimes torture/interrogation/pain/challeneges come in active reflection as the below conversation happens to suggest:

G: "The[y] started it."
K: "And will you continue, until there are no more [of you], and no more [of them]? If both sides are dead, no one will care which side deserves the blame. It no longer matters who started it, G [...]. It only matters who is suffering."
G: "No. No, I have an obligation [...]"
K: "And how have you chosen to honor that [..]? What is there left for [you] if all of creation falls around us? There is nothing. No hope, no dream, no future, no life. Unless we turn from the cycle of death toward something greater. If we are a dying people, then let us die with honor, by helping the others as no one else can."
G: "I don't understand."

K: "Because you have let them distract you. Blind you with hate. You cannot see the battle for what it is. We are fighting to save one another. We must realize we are not alone. We rise and fall together. And some of us must be sacrificed if all are to be saved. Because if you fail in this then none of us will be saved, and [you all] will be only a memory.

You have the opportunity here and now to choose, to become something greater and nobler and more difficult than you have been before. [...]"
G: "Why now? Why not earlier? All this time, where have you been?"
K: "I have always been here." Babylon 5

I must say that I do enjoy Babylon 5 because it offers insight to difficult questions in life when we torture, interrogate, or challenge ourselves or another. In most cases in life, unless we're in Cambodia's S-21 prison or death camps in Nazi German or Russia, we're probably just going to put ourselves in positions where we challenge, if not, torture ourselves. 

The sad part is that, even in my own experiences when I reflect, I can't honestly say that I didn't know any better. In most cases, I knew the score, which is another opportunity for me to pitch the movie Heat (1995) to everyone, "He knew the risks, he didn't have to be there. It rains... you get wet." 

I don't have to be anywhere, and even not going anywhere comes with its own price-tag. 

But we know about those* already, don't we?

Is knowing really enough? Do we really have to see the price tag? 

 Sometimes yes, but whether seeing the price tag is torture or embraced, is something that is entirely up to the individual. As an individual.

*2012年3月20日 Price Tags (URL)

2012年1月25日 Moral Nihilism

Today is a day where pints at McMenamins are $2.50.

This is incredibly awesome.

***

What the fuck is up with comedy?
I enjoy comedy, but sometimes I wonder....

Fat chicks could lose weight, but a comedian of any caliber won't lose his or her natural talent or characteristics for accommodating such, assuming they aren't married or are recently divorced. It's frustrating, but realistically, it's often quite funny. I don't mean getting divorced, but it's funny because you can always joke about it.

Can you imagine doing this guy?
Too bad he's dead!

Bob Saget once said, "My ex-wife is fucking [r]ich. [...] Rich also happens to enjoy the house my ex-wife got in the divorce."

Comedy is one of those things that can either bolster our self-esteem or destroy it, without reservations - i.e. anyone who isn't a Native American. Frankly speaking, comedy allows us to stay alive longer than we ought to be allowed, unless we're smoking comedians, then it's an issue.

Fat chicks. They lose weight, and move on with life. However how do you lose your characteristics? How do you lose the "excess" you? Especially if it's your character? Do you enjoy sports? Do you enjoy fishing? Do you enjoy beer? Getting cunted? Cunting someone? What if someone helped you stop doing those things? What would you do?

Kind of kills the joke of life when you can't be yourself doesn't it?

I suppose without religion, God, and/or spirituality I would be a moral nihilist. I don't think that common sense is common, as if it were the case then the poor would be the wisest among us!

Comedians.
They aren't getting
laid anytime soon

In a sense I wonder, often, how life truly would be if comedians were genuinely revered above and beyond their success on the stage. Comedy itself is often a difficult task, but to be a comedian, in the truest sense means one is often a philosopher to some degree as well, and that means it will follow you home. I suppose the joke is that a comedian who is married is often fucked for life, considering most men or women who married a comedian often don't understand they're getting involved with something as deep as the void (all 13 inches worth)*.

*Women comedians have 13 deep vaginas, and the assholes of male comedians could probably accommodate the man meat of Mr. 20-to-Life or petite forearm of Wendy Liebman.

Outside of 1000 Ways to Die, physical comedy is probably the hardest form of comedy on the planet, which explains why Frenchmen smoke so often, as mimes suck that bad.

So imagine dating for these comedians? After 10 minutes at a club a baby seal has a better chance of getting laid by Babe Ruth than most comedians do in their life time. Like most nerds they probably know more about reproductive organs than people who actually get to use them, outside of urinating or shitting. Of course mass media (i.e. print presses) and the the internet changed a lot for all audiences, it really only affected those who aren't getting laid on a regular basis.

With moral nihilism, I shouldn't even be bothered.
And frankly, while my words change nothing regarding comedians or people's viewpoints, it's interesting to me that people act the way they do towards comedians. Just like our spiritual leaders, comedians have their place in society, even if it happens to outside the city limits.

(not proof-read)

2011年12月29日 Only in America

For sometime I've been thinking about donating bone marrow. Maybe longer than sometime, maybe over a year or two. I've done basic research about it and talked with my friends on the issue, or at least those who give a damn about donating bone marrow, etc. 

When I first heard about it, Fozzjnen told me about his homeland and the donating procedure there. Over there it is more or less paid by the government/insurance-companies, which is kind of awesome and redundant since insurance companies seem like they are already part of the government. Cool, I'll just check my own country, local hospitals, and online. 

After checking online, going to a hospital with a friend, and talking with Fozzjnen, I found out that I would have to pay 100 dollars to get an a bone marrow registry, and that I might have to pay out of my own pocket to even donate bone marrow. 

Isn't this guy a Muslim?

Wait, what the fuck? There isn't a loop hole around this issue. Actually the only loop hole, isn't a loop hole, more or less it would require whoever wants bone marrow to pay for my expenses/recovery (6 months or so).

Yet, as my health (knee, among other things) continues to have problems, I become less inclined to follow through with it. Of course while it might not be a healthy choice for me to donate, I'm sure bone marrow would help someone.

I guess what irritates me the most is that only in America would they charge you to voluntarily donate a part of yourself to help or save another person's life. And people bitch about the Jews... 

Yes, only in America would you be charged for charity. Sure, doctors need to get paid, but if they're only getting paid for saving lives, how is that different than EMTs or firefighters? Personally I look at doctors like car mechanics, of course this is from my patient prospective. 

I don't blame doctors for that or the road blocks I find as I try to donate bone marrow, at least not yet. That's okay, eventually doctors be working for free.

Thanks Obama.

Oh yeah, 

I know you're busy Mr. President, but if you could get the Patriot Act and remove it, like you said you would, that'd be grrr-reat. K-thx-bye!

2011年10月7日 Detectives "and Tags"

I like detective-anything, although I usually do not read a lot detective novels or stories. Most of the time I watch them. As for the idea of a detective-anything, I have found that character isolation to be extremely important. The idea that a person is alone and knows it, yet escapes into his or her work regardless of the cost socially, emotionally, or spiritually is a defining characteristic of a detective, let alone a wizard or great spiritual leader, although the later of which is a separate subject.. Most detectives, including those in medical professions (see House), often spend more time at work or constantly go back to thinking about work regardless of what they are doing or ought to do.

This is part of the reason I do not like Batman to some extent, as he is unable to interact with people except on a superficial level. He is constantly thinking about criminals and stopping crime at all hours, so that he can satisfy his insecurities. Batman does not enjoy interacting with people, and in fact appears to loathe them. His callous expressions almost make one wonder if he is capable of love, and this is confusing for someone who is supposed to be a glorified hero. I digress.

Don't confuse them!

Although I have and will watch Batman movies, T.V. and occasionally when I was younger I read the comics, I did not actually like Batman himself. I did not like Bruce Wayne, and I did not see any reason to like him either. I actually liked the Joker more, because I felt like Batman had more limitations than the Joker, such as Batman's obsessive compulsive tendencies/disorder. Moreover in comparison, the Joker to me seemed to be much more human, if not beyond such, due to his ability to negotiate his feelings and understanding of such better than Batman. Often Batman used of his anger as a tool to get what he wanted, and to me is a degree of emotional negligence. He uses his insecurities as a way to exact vengeance, and because he is unable to forgive, he in a major sense, is never just in his behavior; therefore, glorification of him is almost as repugnant as thanking Ted Bundy for raising awareness of rape-murder. Unlike the Joker, Batman will never be satisfied with anything. But these are fictional characters and unrealistic, except for Ted Bundy. Do not confuse with Al Bundy.

Backtracking to House, who in my opinion instead of isolating himself with work alone, isolates people from himself, and not himself from people. Yet sometimes he does both at the same time, and I believe it is to prevent him from being bored. Nothing shuts off in his mind, there is no break time. In fact, having a break in itself is tedious, and this is why alcohol is extremely important to detectives, including House and drug usage. It's not that the mind is going to be shut off, although it could be with enough alcohol, it is that they must slow down their train of thought so that they can only think of a limited number of tasks at one time. It's like putting a computer in safe-mode. Yes you can use it, but mainly for the really important things. The detectives who do not drink, in my opinion, have serious control issues. The mind will run and should, but the essence of that detective's character will constantly be will him. It is like one's own shadow, but with highlighted and accented features.

Different types of detectives

Most importantly, detectives do not sleep well, or rather would not. And the things they want to talk about, or think about, most would consider tedious, and this isolates everyone, although usually it's the "detective" character. "Detectives" whether professional, private, or in thought are lonely people, whether they are Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon, to Morgan Freeman in Se7en. The last of which I have seen numerous times. I have found detective movies to be movies - duh, but - in movies. Instead of just watching for the plot the way the characters experience it, I have found following a single character and focusing on his or her behavior throughout the film provides a different kind of revelation. It works well with detective films, and no so much with films like The Land Before Time or Debbie Does Dallas. And that's why I brought up detectives in today's post. These are lonely, isolated, and thoughtful people. I'm still not talking about Debbie Does Dallas... Usually the detectives in these movies are good at what they do, even though at times, they do not win and nothing changes with the truth. Sure Batman is one of them, but he usually is never without anger. When he was told his behavior is questionable by someone he loves, he is shocked and says nothing, somewhat knowing that nothing changes with the truth, and with that truth, it is neither a victory nor a loss. The film in which I indirectly elude to is Mask of the Phantasm, and I recommend it, although not for the ending theme. Mark Hamill does a wonderful job with the Joker.

The saddest part about detectives is that they are just picking up the pieces of lives, more often than not, they are trying picking up pieces that they lost or by picking up another's to avoid their own. In reality they are extremely broken and flawed. Even if detectives come in different shapes and sizes, either at the zenith of human physique or unable to run, only gimping around - which I empathize with, see PVNS, - these characters still share the prior statements (I have made) as the basis for their being as an individual and character (be it real or otherwise). And this is why they are good at what they do. This is also why their isolation will never make them happy, and they will never be such. Just as Robert De Niro says in Taxi Driver,

"Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man... June 8th. My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain."

Detectives are about half of the reason why I like writing an "Is-it-fiction?" section on this blog.
And it's also why looking at tags (LABELS) is important when trying to identify the theme or vague meanings of a post. Otherwise you'd think I'm writing about real life.

2011年9月22日 Gary Numan

If I could pick only five things for you to read what is currently on this blog at present, this post would be one of them. Even if my train of thought often has no train at all in some instances. Music heavy, you don't need to watch any of the video though, just listen to the songs. Most videos have the lyrics posted with them.

It should be zero surprise I am mentioning him, as I often hid his lyrics here or there throughout my posts. I suppose I'll explain why in this semi-editorial, hopefully I try to avoid rambling.

If you can get past his most widely known and heard tune, Gary Numan is an artist who talks about issues in a way that I normally would never talk about. I would never have such an strong dislike towards G-d, at least not like him. Don't get me wrong, although I do like Gary Numan, some things he states or mentions in his lyrics I do not agree with. Initially Numan's point of view was that G-d did not exist, and that believing in such is bullshit. Thankfully he's changed his stance on the issue by not only acknowledging existence in his songs, but by reinforcing it with his strong dislike towards G-d. I'll try to keep this to a minimum.

Numan has not only had his own set backs in life, he has used as fodder against G-d, and not just the argument of existence. What's promising is that Numan constantly strives for love, and the absence of such only enforces Numan's belief towards hating G-d and arguing that G-d is just as absent from him as having an experience with love and family (see Prayer for the Unborn). Yet there are instances where he accepts the possibility of having a relationship with G-d, albeit one where G-d does what He wants regardless of Numan's feelings, taken from You Walk In My Soul, of the album Sacrifice:

I'll love you forever
And a day
I'll love you till God comes and takes me away

Whisper of Truth, on Sacrifice, Numan describes the difficulty with dealing with isolation from an  androgynous unspecified person of interest through love. One of the advancements of this track, versus another from his previous album, is that he specifies that there is "No angel to guide" him. Yet his feelings seem to be built around his insecurity or affirmation of his insecurities regarding issues of love, and a good example of such is with Love Isolation, on Machine + Soul.

Tracking back to an even earlier album than the above mentioned Numan's lyrics on God Only Knows, which I believe is a take on the Beach Boys song of the same name, go something like this:

How I survived God only knows

I remember the feeling
I'll remember forever
How it all just came apart

I don't believe in praying
I don't believe in a God
Now I question everything

The dreamer is gone
I'm an old man

On a side note, both the Beach Boy's own tune and Numan's relate to difficult emotional issues, specifically those that conflict and confuse love. The absence of knowing, outside of G-d knowing, seems to be a common theme, even if Numan jumps on and off the fence on whether or not he believes.

On Desire he once again tackles the difficulty of suffering:

So will I suffer

Humility,
Divine forgiveness,
When you come for me?
When you come for me

In many of his songs, it's clear that he wants G-d's help, yet he is quick to penalize G-d when horrible things happen, and this is heard on Little Invitro, as a response to a(n assumed) failed pregnancy. Surprisingly Numan still works well with maintaining a connection to a spiritual or ethereal world and its members. An example of that is heard on A Child With The Ghost.

If I had one wish
I'd wish to talk with you
I have some questions
Things only you could know
If I had one wish
I'd wish to talk with you
Nothing you can feel
Can feel as cold as this

I like those lyrics because they're easy to empathize with when it feels like I'm listening to someone preaching the truth. Especially in regards to my own life.

If I had to pick a Numan song, I really couldn't just pick one, I would pick something that relates to how I feel at a given moment and go from there. But just comparing some of his songs, like the difference between M.E., Pure, and She's Got Claws is huge in my mind. Although there is a common theme of alienation and isolation emotionally or otherwise. Pretty obvious from lyrics that state, "We're dreams in cold storage."

Unlike Insane Clown Posse's Miracles, Gary Numan "[doesn't] believe in [M]iracles". Before you click on ICP's version, keep in mind that the lyrical quality is so far down the toilet with ICP that I am bothered I even brought it up.

I must say that there is something in the back of my mind listening to Gary Numan's songs, and it mainly comes from not only my Torah readings, experiences and self reflection on life, but also from Hagakure's occasionally mentioned Master Ittei, whom the writer of Hagakure clearly respected.

"Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."

"It is not good to settle into a set of opinions. It is a mistake to put forth effort and obtain some understanding and then stop at that."

“Master Ittei said: ‘If I were to say what it is to do good, I would say simply that it is to endure suffering. Failing to endure is always bad.’”

So far I think Gary Numan is doing his best at conveying suffering. Yet, he has failed to endure the love that G-d gives us and allows us to give to others. That's something that always sticks somewhere in the back of my mind when I listen to his songs. More examples of suffering here on Dance, album of the same name.

And I could always
take the pills and leave
But you have to stay awake
to stay away
And I would die for you
And I would cry too
And I would sing like rain
And I would find you

In 1980 Gary Numan released Telekon, 14 years before Sacrifice. This is Please Push No More, a song about a the difficulties and strain of love, and as mentioned before if you didn't catch it by now, something that is almost present in every Numan album.

Now it's all over for sure
I'll walk back home
We must all come down
We all grow old
We are close, we are hurt
So that was love
And love she kills me
It needs to, so

Please push no more

Gary Numan does something that Dapl does every well, both of them give up on love, growing old,  while wanting not to be pushed anymore. It's clear from this point that they have violated Ittei's valuable advice with their own opinions. Yet, I wonder if the security of Numan's and Dapl's opinions is what negates feelings and beliefs through strict, albeit, questionable discipline? 

Opinions can change with facts, but beliefs?
Don't worry, Numan has a song that could be relegated to that kind of question:

And I can not be saved
Not by you
Not by God
I want to bleed

And I can hardly breath
Look at me
Falling down
Before your eyes

All I've needed
Takes me away from you
All I've wanted
Takes me away from you
All I live for
Takes me away from you
All I'd die for
Takes me away from you

From Haunted, which I believe to be unrequited love - interesting dialectic there huh? - and the difficulties of such, and that is something that Gary Numan clearly haunts himself with regularly. Off of Jagged, 2006. I like this one, and I think about it often when I think about G-d, love, and more.

Gary Numan's take and perspective on relationships, love, the heart, and the absence of G-d show, to me at least, the pressures of life and the toll it takes on the soul. Heart continues with that idea, and the saxophone does it's part too.

There's no tears for you.
Time will heal you
Time heals everyone
There's no heart at all.
Time will help you
Time helps you forget me.

Yet in reality Numan has not forgotten anything, and his continued use of themes like this only show the important of how love, relationships, and G-d affect him. I agree with not forgetting, even though the woman's supporting lyrics in the song suggest the passing of time to heal. Frankly speaking, I think Numan needs to remember, he needs that history otherwise he has nothing. I suppose I can relate in my own way, one way or through others.

Do you use music too?
Music is quite popular and a great form of expression.
Just take Roy Orbison for example and his ballads of love, or Teddy Pendergrass.
Hell even Ted Nugent has his take, albeit usually reserved for putting his butter on his woman's gritz.

2011年9月16日 Music

Music is a serious issue for me. Just as serious as the internet, click me to find out how much.

I personally have listened to all kinds of music under most, if not all kinds of, circumstances I have encountered in life. In high-school I used to listen to jazz over the radio while playing Counter-Strike. It was therapeutic. Then I found out the GTA series was doing it too, and obviously making money as a result. I have no doubt in my mind that music is extremely valuable. That being said, I decided to remove a bunch of music from play-lists I made on YouTube.

One of my play-lists stood out among the rest. It is titled, "愛について"* the romanization of which is 

"ai ni tsuite" 

Which roughly means, "One who is violated."

Just kidding. It actually means "About love". All joking aside, I had at least 150 songs I enjoyed a lot, or at least thought about often. I ended up chopping over 80 percent, and was left with twenty-eight tracks. I originally made the play-list to express what I believed corresponded to what I thought "love" was "about." I think it's a good idea when making a play-list in general. One should pick few words as possible to express the idea or feeling they want to convey, and then pick out the music.

Music is an everyday,
no days off experience,
period,
which happens to be next to a comma.

I am sad to say Todd Rundgren's Hello It's Me, beat Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love. Even Barry White didn't make the cut for me. That's just how it rolls. I felt pretty good cutting it down, and it reminded me of how easy it is to cut down civilians in rice paddies with a M-60. Get some!

So, what do I have left? 

Nothing other than what I can hold in my mental hands. Here's the list. 

Some of these you might recognize. I must say in advance that when I hear "I'd do anything for love." I imagine a situation where a man says to his wife,  

"I love you, I'd do anything for love..."  

"Would you do the dishes?" 

"(But) I won't do that!"

But seriously, you should at least know Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You. It works for friends, family, or even romantically. Or in recent news, with Ron Paul.

So how about yourself?

Do you have any play-lists you hold in high regard?
What would you name them?

2011年9月15日 Face-book?

Yesterday at work I was thinking about Face-Book, and a reoccurring theme came back into my mind in regards to it:

• I am not happy when I log into FB. 

• I am disappointed with the vapid and facile commentary which not only disappoints me, but is also discouraging when I want to get to know that person. I don't mean commentary as a whole, but generally what is posted on FB as a whole. Of course, yes, I do like videos and what not, but most dialog is no different or about as intelligible as HS bullshit banter. 

• I am not happy with how I feel when using FB. 

• Using FB is a chore that only exploits my carefully organized and filed-away despondency.

I knew this was an eventuality for me, but frankly, I almost look at it as a blessing in disguise. I don't need to worry about things like this anymore and I don't feel like I'm disappearing by choosing not to worry or by allowing it to bother me so much. 

If anything, most people have my email or can get it through someone they know who knows me. I feel  that FB helps me acknowledge that there is growing distance between myself and some people. In most cases it's uncontrollable, because people at some point make a decision and take a path. Right or wrong. Good or bad. There is no grey area, and if there is, well there is a proverb for that one: Half a truth is the worst kind of lie.

Sure seeing pictures of this or that interesting, if not promising, yet to me it kind of negates the enjoyment of actually showing someone a photo album or emailing them to a friend. I suppose to me FB takes away the depth of friendship or otherwise that I would normally want.

On a side note, I notice that FB tends to push me towards tolerating other people's bullshit, until I am fed up and then I permanently hide their wall posts. I have done this with at least a 100 people out of a hundred and 150, maybe even higher than that. I am generally fed up with a person when they spam FB, complain, and yet do not want solutions presented to them. I believe the prior to be true, since after offering resolution, not in jest, several times towards people on their wall, I was blocked. No surprise there.

No doubts here about what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm complaining about FB, and so my solution is to remove it from my life. Let it be so. Does it matter? Yes and no. I suppose it depends on how one executes the ritual of removing it from one's life. Do you feel better using FB? Does it help with maintaining a degree of quality for your life? Or is it an escape? Do you substitute lurking as a medium to avoid people? If so, who are you alienating really? I think we're alienating ourselves, it's no wonder we're slowly becoming judgmental without confrontation, without responsibility. Maybe I'm wrong, but FB to me is like looking at the shadow of a shadow, of a shadow, and then saying, "Hey, this is my friend." Really?

With the same speed as someone who blocks another person on FB, I deleted my own account, without reservations other than those intended to spare pictures taken of me which I had no other way to access. At some point I will look back on my decision, and scoff that I actually needed a reason or rather, that I took the time to explain my reasoning. Maybe I won't.

There is so much work to do beyond this and it almost seems never ending.
More and more rituals. 

More and more tasks.

2011年6月2日 "Let's rape women, or men"

Rape is a serious issue, and just as one t-shirt once said,

Rape is no laughing matter, unless you're raping a clown.

There are some things in the world are hard to understand, like the metric system or evolution, however most people would agree that rape is never okay. And in fact they might even consider rape to be an act of violence and exertion of control, rather than an action of sex itself. Let's examine some news articles, my own repugnant opinions, and a brief story I was told.

Keep in mind that when people look at rape, they may imagine that it is exclusive to men alone, since most men are the ones with dicks for fucking. Although, there are exceptions, like fisting! Let's look at them.

2011年5月30日 One should forget about the meaning of holidays

Today is Memorial Day. It is the day where people in the United States take time to acknowledge those who have sacrificed so much for this country: life, limb, and liberty. It is also a day, where I like to forget about all of that shit by getting drunk and having a burger with chips. 

Most people tend to agree with my mentality on this issue privately; and although at times I don't always subscribe to it myself, nothing is better than remembering those who have given up so much for this country by having a barbecue with one's own apathetic and non-patriotic friends.

Of course there are people who do remember those who have and did make the sacrifice, but most of those people who remember such are dismissed as watchers of Fox-News, which is a whole entire different can of worms (covered in shit from 2 girls 1 cup).

As for remembering, most people probably think of something like the following.- 

Not the beach Bill is going to this weekend.

Bill: "Hey don't we have Monday off?"

Douche-bag co-worker: "Yeah dude, it's Memorial Day!"
Bill: "Sounds great, maybe I'll take the family to the beach!"

In the end, without even taking the time to assess this issue, I would have never even bothered to call my grandpa and thank him for killing Koreans and Chinese more than almost 60 years ago. 

How the fuck else do I thank him for such?

His stories of burning flesh and temperatures that were extremely cold made me happy that I am just a poor stupid civilian with some access to cable TV. 

He once told me after the war when he was back in his hometown, somewhere in Ohio. One day it was around 20 Fahrenheit (-6.6 Celsius) outside, plus whatever wind-chill. He said compared to Korea, it was pretty warm, and he'd go outside without his jacket for a smoke. His family must have thought he was crazy. Maybe he was fed-up with listening to goat-roping music? Who knows?

What I do know, is that Memorial Day is the day where we ought to forget the meaning behind such, because in the end no one really gives a fuck about veterans and the like, and this is because most of those veterans are considered idiots for joining the military anyway. It's unfortunate, but usually true, especially in an apathetic society with no balls, such as major cities in the USA (New York, Chicago, LA, etc). Now let's take a moment of our time to get drunk and forget about the meaning of this holiday, just like Christmas.

On a side note, it was funny to hear my grandpa get told by Japanese prostitutes, before he was deployed to Korea, that Japanese men have small penises compared to the Americans*.

*Doesn't include Canada or Mexico: "Fuck you guys!"