2012年3月22日 When men talk online about women (or girls)

Men talking about women

Yes, men talk about women online, at least men who actually like talking from the get go. Some men need a few beers, maybe several. The bottom line is no matter how much we have on the inside, if nothing comes out it's like buying toys and not opening them (or even for saving them to sell later). 

Sometimes we have problems dealing with shit on our own, but when we talk it makes sense for the understanding process for everyone involved. When we do want to figure things out with other men, it can be very hard for us when we realize it's going to be a difficult process. No one said it would be easy.

The following is a conversation I had the other day online. 

Lightly edited - which is a nice way to say I changed names and omitted shit:

Grillman: What do you think about me making a move like that on her?
me: I think it's like peeing in the butt
Grillman: So is that a no?

me: No, it's an "Are you sure you have paid for this?"

Grillman: What do you mean?

me: Never forget you built your end of the relationship on feelings and her character, not just on fucking alone. That's why I said what I said[.] Remember I even wrote about it, about how you built your feelings on her because you wanted a real relationship[.] And you still do[.]

Grillman: And I agree[.] But[.] Well no[.]

me: […]because sex [isn’t] enough.

Grillman: Hm, kl;asd;kljadf;jkl\df[.] Dont know what to do....

me: You having sex with her won't be enough

Grillman: Agreed
me: Especially because you built what you built[.] If a person and I fucked without feelings, I would feel dirty like "Wow, do I even have feelings?" But because I have feelings [if] we had sex, and made love and shared it, I[‘d be] hurting much more.

Grillman: Okay but let me ask you this[.] How do you think it WOULD affect us?

me: I don't give a fuck about Constance, I only care about you right now. You are my friend, I wasn't her friend and your friend, i.e. the one to introduce you two.

Grillman: I know that[.] But HOW DO YOU THINK IT WOULD AFFECT HER AND I?

me: So how it affects you is my concern, because I want to know you'll make an opportunity to be healthy[, moreover an opportunity to] choose happiness. To answer that, I will defer to what my rabbi says, "I don't know."
Grillman: haha[.] Answer the damn question

me: But I do have opinions.

Grillman: What a cop out[.] haha

me: I think it could make your relationship closer[,] but I think it could rush things[.] Especially if she doesn't know what she wants.

Grillman: "I think it could make your relationship closer but I think it could rush things" That is the exact thing I am thinking[.] But I am just so fucking confused because there are times where she says shit...

me: Ask her, "You say shit that confuses me more than Kevin Costner's career."

Grillman: As an example[:] We'll come back to my place - like yesterday after swimming - and Ill take my shirt off and she'll make some joke about me taking my pants off too

me: Sit her down,

Tell her flat out

Or this

Tell her while you're going on a casual walk

"You know... when you say X.... I feel Y, and I'm confused as to what you're telling me..."

"Nigga please"

Grillman: haha[.] You know, thats great advice, but I think Ill just pick her up and pin her against the wall and have my way with her like I do now but then just take it a step farther... haha

me: Haha[.] Dude, can I quote you on this shit?

2012年3月21日 Get Grilled

The other day Grillman called me about some chick he's seeing. I've brought it up before. But before I get to that, I'm going to give a little bit of history, because when I think about my friendship with him I almost want to laugh at how great it has turned out.

I met Grillman while studying abroad in Japan, we had a lot of common politically and socially. He was also the kind of dude that could spend hours talking about whatever interested him and liked open discussion on those ideas, so of course we hit it off like crack-cocaine. - I'm still in rehab. - Things we specifically shared in common were guns, huge breasts, and blowing shit up; however, when those things weren't enough we would end up - more like a beginning to me - usually talking about the quality of life. But isn't that the point of any healthy long lasting relationship?

***

The phone call from him yesterday was around 9:30 or 10:30 am - I can't really remember, - "Dude if you were here we'd be going to bar right now." He said tersely. "Well, why not just drink with me on the phone?" I said, realizing breakfast downstairs was going to be Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager 211. -  I pronounce the "211" as "Two eleven" so does everyone else. - It says "EXCEPTIONALLY SMOOTH FLAVOR", but it's everything other than exceptional and smooth. At 8.1% ABV for a dollar a can - thank you Wally's World, - I don't think I should complain too much. It should be called "Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager 9.11: because it's that depressing to drink"

He continued, "Dude, she just left, but she's coming back. She said she wants to come over and make me breakfast." "So like dick in a box?" "No, I mean she's just coming over to hang out, she's pretty conservative about that kind of stuff." "What do you want? I mean, are you dating or anything?" I asked. "Actually I think she's having a hard time dealing with her recent break-up. And that's why she's is afraid to call me her boyfriend or give us a label, and also I think she's holding back from sex because if we don't work out and she goes back to her ex-boyfriend she can say 'I didn't have sex with him.' Fuck dude! I don't even know." "Why don't you ask her then?" "I will!"

I opened the can and took a sip. It tasted like full blown battery acid that had been blended with pig vomit and stale cat piss. "Have you confronted her about this?" "Yeah I have." He said without reservations. "I told her not to fuck with me, and I'm not going to play any games." "You know I've also had to say that before." "My situation isn't as fucked as yours." He quipped at me. "Fair enough, but if it's just fun and games WHY are you investing real feelings? Either it's all the way or fucking forget it." 

Not an accurate representation
of white people or Grillman

"Hold on." he said, as I heard his faint voice bullshit over buying something. "You still there? I got Miller High Life." "I'm sorry." "Dude no way, it's worth the extra price compared to your shit." "Mine's at 8.1 ABV dude, for a buck a piece, it's worth it." I lied to him. It's not worth it all the time, but for how I'm feeling now why not? Of course this also explains why it sat in the fridge for 2.5 weeks before I was able to drink it for the second time.

"Anyway, she's just taking things slowly and I'm not sure if she knows what she wants." "But you know what you want?" I asked. It was like I was talking with myself. "Uh, yeah." We surfed the conversation until the waves and sun died down, and then we went back on the beach. Giving each other the verbal version of a "Same-time next week?" face, we hung up only to talk again later in the evening.

This morning, I sent him a text, "How do you feel about your situation w Constance?" "She just left.. made me breakfast like she said...seriously I am about to move on her to see what she does..." Of course we both knew he's talking about making a sexual move to expand upon the relationship. No healthy relationship that is intimate exists without physical contact of some sort, even if it's just stroking someone's head or hand on a shoulder. Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships can and do exist with tremendous amounts of physical contact, just ask anyone who sleeps on the bottom bunk in a super-max prison.

2012年3月1日 "Good morning son"

When I woke up I wanted to vomit. Not because a large bearded fat man was going to penetrate me, but because I got another message at 4:35 AM from Grillman about him seeing the girl I've brought up over the week or so. Although not officially dating,  he said it was weird for him to hang out at her place, especially when her ex-boyfriend shows up. 

There is a saying I might have mentioned here before, "If you want to ride two horses at the same time DON'T LEAVE THE CIRCUS." I think that's why I felt sick. I felt sick because I don't even think the chick he's interested in even knows how to make a decision for herself. Some people don't seem to understand that deferring judgement also defers choice and a voice in terms of happiness or unhappiness.

2012年2月27日 "Come with me

Lesbian Seagull"

I'm sitting down quietly at work, wondering what I should say about identity as I listen to a song called, "Lesbian Seagull". I'm going to bounce around, so keep up, but don't worry. My hands are stretched out, take 'em if you need 'em.

Sometimes I wonder what it's all about. A few posts ago (here) I talked about identity, women and what not. I usually talk about identity. I usually talk about women. I usually talk with women, but they usually find me disagreeable. Well, that's not totally true. Today someone nervously asked me if I'd join them ice-skating, after I said I can roller-blade. Albeit, it's amateur hour when I do blade... But I digress.

So a guy friend of mine (Grillman) told me that on his birthday a chick he's interested in baked a cake in his apartment with him. No shagging happened - Lesssssbian Seagulll.... - and frankly I don't think he wanted to do it with her at that very moment. The problem lies in that she lists herself as "In a relationship" on Facebook, but it's clear she's interested in him. She says things and she does things, etc. So he asked her if she had a boyfriend, and she said she just got out of a relationship. 

2012年2月20日 Part 2 "Fighting, killing, wine and those women

gonna put me to my grave
Running, hiding, losing, crying, nothing left to save
But my life [url]" 

Stealin' [url], by Uriah Heep

"'Stealin' is Uriah Heep's biggest hit from the concept album, Sweet Freedom. The second track on the album, it deals with the regrets that come with living a self-obsessed life." - Wikipedia

What do you do when you are seeing someone who is interesting, shares similar hobbies, ideas, and more importantly, challenges you and you challenge them? What do you do when you find out they're in a relationship, but they want your attention in ways that you feel like should be done by their significant other? Grillman was asking me questions like that. Of course he knew I had asked myself those very same questions over the last year with consistent regularity, sometimes questions like that would wake me up. Or maybe it was my knee?

Desire negating identity?
What do you see?

What do you do?
I can really only say what I did, but I feel like if I talk about that specifically any more than I already have I might as well apply a "whining" label to this post. 

What does one do?
When desire could negate identity? 

What does one do?
When desire BECOMES identity?!

In these cases, desire should never become identity. Neither should fear of being alone. Without truly being alone to figure out who we are on our own terms as our own man (i.e. liberated and solely responsible for our well being) it is hard for us to really understand our own identity. So then is identity over goals more important? If a person says, "I want to have children." or "I want a house." These are nice things to want, but when that goal supersedes the identity eventually that person's children doesn't even know who parent is at some-point other than the origin of their life. It's almost literally like a sperm-donor.

Desire over identity? 

Desire as identity? 

Identity over goals? 

Goals as Identity? 

Are goals an identity or the identity, and can one have an identity without goals?

After one accomplishes goals what is the identity?

These are questions I think I would ask myself prior to making a huge leap into a relationship with some woman or chick already in a relationship. So I would probably do nothing and not proceed, standing my ground, and passing through.

My life is a series of processions of just passing through one moment to the next. When I was 19-20, I didn't except to live the life I have had up to this point. Before that age, I had no idea I'd even be alive to 20. When I look at pictures of myself as a 21 year old, 22, and 23 I wonder if I'm looking at the same person. I am not the same person I was then. I'm just more crotchety and disagreeable, and I ask more questions.

How I pick up chicks.
See RJ [url]

If Grillman does have some kind of physical relationship with the girl, does that mean his goal in having company supersedes the identity of the relationship or lack thereof that he has with her? What about the relationship with her highly existent boyfriend? Does he lose his identity of who he is? Or compromise the integrity of such if he decides to do something with her even though he believes it's morally wrong?

There is a right answer, but the right answer only works for me, and the Jewish part says "on a case basis as well." I guess to me it's important that my life isn't self-obsessive. Going from here to there, taking what I want. I have to remind myself that I want to give because I care, and that I should avoid the sense of entitlement of caring because I give.

2012年2月19日 Part 1 "Fighting, killing, wine and those women

gonna put me to my grave
Running, hiding, losing, crying, nothing left to save
But my life"

Grillman called me and asked a difficult question, "I'm going on a date with a chick who is flirting with me every-time we hang out or study together. I'm 90 percent sure she has a boyfriend, but she hasn't said anything about it. It's possible we could be doing something each other soon. So tell me, what would you do?"

First, I've been in a similar situation, except I knew the girl had a boyfriend.

Second, I wish I could say the punchline, but really there isn't one. 

Yet there is an answer, but not the answer.

An answer

I like the song Stealin' and what it's about, but unlike the narrator of the song I never had a chance to buy. And unfortunately while I don't get a chance to drink as I think about these issues I will have a chance to sleep on them.*

To be continued (here)

*I haven't had much to drink for awhile now (2 months or longer?), outside of the free beer I had the other night at the vaudeville show. I must be going through withdrawal...

2012年1月23日 Places in Africa

If Toto's Africa doesn't immediately come to mind, it should.

Somehow I can't imagine being in Africa over the next decade, unless it's to hunt penguins in South Africa. I have it all planned out, it'll be my reenactment of the D-Day beaches of Normandy. Yes I hate penguins that much. Unless I can charge people to watch Rosie O'Donnell fight Roseanne Barr to the death to decide who will eat 'em like discount Twinkies.

If that doesn't take me to Africa, my fascination with weddings and guns would probably bring me there, and from the picture below it looks like they know how to have a good time.

Unlike Visa, whose slogan "It's Everywhere You Want to Be" 
Africa, isn't one of those places.

Make sure to spot:

• The owner of Lassie's African counterpart.
• The guy who still plays with Barbie dolls.
• Captain Turquoise.
• Captain 70's-Motorcycle, without the motorcycle.
• The army kid who has seen, but not played, Counter-Strike and is "wiggin" out.
• The buff dude walking to his groom.

Africa: keeping the 80's alive.

Somehow I expect to see shit like this on Portlandia. I must say, though, I love weddings.

And if you think what you've just saw was pretty messed up, you should Google "General Butt-Naked"

Hat-tip: Grillman

Thoughts?