2012年6月20日 Throwing Away + Family

My dad told me Sunday the following:

"I thought I saw you after you were walking by with your diploma. I gestured that we should get the fuck outta here and get some drinks. Then I flipped you off. That's when I realized I wasn't gesturing to you and it was someone else."

My mom had surgery for some kind of pre-cancer surgery today. I don't know the details, and she seems to be on the QT regarding the details, but I'm sticking with, "She has cancer." Until the final verdict is in. It's easier for me to prepare for the worst when it never comes, versus preparing on the fly.

Today I also realized that memories, friendship, and tools are more important than anything else. No tool will make me happy, but the best tool I have is knowledge. It's also depressing, because frankly speaking I don't like knowing things sometimes, but it paints a clearer picture that way. I also know that I'll never be able to take everything with me on my adventures, including some people.

***

In the garage there was a box that said, "FUCK ASS HEAVY."

I wrote that on the box about 6 months ago. Like most of my other things, this box had to go, even though it wasn't mine. The dimensions were 16.5 x 18 x 16 inches. It weighed about 40 lbs or more. When I cut it open I was kind of disappointed since it literally was a "FUCK ASS HEAVY" box. Not only was the box heavy in general, but it also had a lot of "FUCK ASS" porn, probably 50 DVDs, a 100 CDs, and over 50 magazines and books of anal porn and spanking. 

"This ALL must be thrown out she said." I wasn't surprised she said that. I was more or less surprised I wasn't given a heads up about it in advance that way I could avoid opening it altogether. I felt bad he lost stuff that I was supposed to be holding onto for him, but I had told him 5 months ago that in March, April, and May, I had to get them OUT immediately. Eventually, I ran out of time, and I couldn't figure out a good time to get them into someone else's hands, nor help them unload the boxes.

The guy who could have picked them up was a frail man who'd be no good lifting even 20lbs, much less lifting 40 lbs of anal porn.

2012年5月31日 Who are you talking to?

Walking home a guy talking to himself was walking towards me. He wore only a white tank-top and shorts. I couldn't even see his face, the street was poorly lit. He looked kind of intimidating. Then I heard, "How's it going?" 

He kept approaching, and I said assertively moving away from him, "Good".

Walking away from me, he said loudly,

"What did I see?

Could I believe?

That what I saw that night was real and not just fantasy!"

WTF is wrong with this guy. I was thinking. What the fuck was that guy talking about? I didn't see any headphones or anything. Could he believe? Who gives a.... COUUUUULD I BELIEEEEEVE! YEAAAAAHHH! 

Then I got goose bumps and realizing what that guy was saying, which was totally awesome. 

I almost turned around and yelled, 

"SIX-SSSIX-SIX THE NUMBER OF THE BEASSSST!!" 

But I didn't, instead I just gimped home.

Which was probably the worse thing I did today, other thank telling someone that aborted fetuses should be used in place of turkeys for homeless people during thanksgiving. 

If you didn't know, a lot of food shelters have massive amounts of donated food to put on a Thanksgiving feast. I guess the problem with aborted fetuses is how one would make stuffing.

And with that said, who the fuck thought of shoving bread crumbs up the asshole of a decapitated bird and calling it food? 

Someone who has a decent palette for food, that's who.

2012年5月28日 A Japanese artist

Japanese man cooks, serves own genitals

(AFP) – 3 days ago

TOKYO — A Japanese artist cooked his own genitals and served them to five paying diners in Tokyo to cover the medical costs, in a bizarre act to raise awareness about sexual minorities. 

Mao Sugiyama had his penis and testicles surgically removed in March and kept them frozen for two months before dishing them out -- seasoned and braised -- to customers at an event hall on May 13, according to postings on his Twitter account and local police. 

Diners paid 20,000 yen ($250) for the plate with a portion of genitals. Pictures published on a website appeared to show the meal came complete with mushrooms and a parsley garnish. 

thawing out the goods

The painter, who is reportedly 22, said on Twitter the organ had been removed by a physician and certified to be free of infections. 

The meal was prepared under the supervision of a certified cook and diners were required to sign a waiver indemnifying Sugiyama and event organizers. 

In May 18 tweets, the artist said steps were taken so the act met all relevant laws, including a ban on organ sales, processing of medical waste and even food sanitation requirements. 

"I receive questions from some women and men... asking 'Will there be a next time? Please host it again.' But there is only one set of male organ," he tweeted on May 16. "Unfortunately, I have no plan for the next time."

Uh? No shit. Unless he finds volunteers...
Never mind that, let's not give this guy any more ideas.

Sugiyama, who considers himself "asexual", that is without gender, initially thought about eating the genitals himself, but decided to solicit paying customers to help pay his hospital bills for the surgery. 

In an email to AFP, he confirmed the event had taken place and said it was organised to raise awareness about "sexual minorities, x-gender, asexual people". He said he was readying to publish an official account of the day. 

From left to right: testicle, scrotum, and penis

Police in Tokyo said they knew of the episode, but added that it had not broken the law as cannibalism was not illegal in Japan. 

"We are aware of the case. There was nothing (criminal) to it. It does not violate any detailed rules. There is nothing to take action about," an officer at Suginami police station told AFP.

Copyright © 2012 AFP. All rights reserved

Holy shit, that's fucking insane.

Repugnant, but this is also kind of funny since cannibalism isn't illegal in Japan. And probably won't be anytime soon... I've always wondered about the population decline in Japan, and I guess I'll cough vomit it up to self-dismemberment and eating one's own spawn.

What the above article doesn't mention is his month long sex-binge. You can read the real details in the article below.

More info here at: 

http://calorielab.com/news/2012/05/17/tokyo-ham-cybele-human-genital-banquet-not-illegal/

This takes circumcision to the next level.

2012年5月26日 John C. Reilly

He's a great actor, but watching him bang his way through the film We Need to Talk About Kevin was a bit much. There are just some actors that I would rather not see banging anyone. 

In the film, Reilly plays an average or everyday kind of guy. He seemingly loves his wife, son, and daughter. All of whom treat him with kindness, except his wife when she's being bitchy. 

His wife is played by Tilda Swinton. You might recognize her as the evil bitch witch from the Narnia series or as the angel Gabrielle from Constantine. Or other movies, which I haven't seen her in or forgot about.

In We Need to Talk About Kevin, Swinton's character is a hostile and resentful bitch towards her husband (Reilly), but still goes for shaft. I guess it's not a problem that she's a bitch. It's just awkward to watch Reilly and Swinton banging each other in any film. 

Banging Tilda Swinton

And every time I see Reilly in WNTTAK, I think of him in as Steve Burle from, Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule. So when he's fucking Swinton, I'm about to gag.

On the upside, if you haven't seen Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule give it a shot. Although personally I've only seen about 15 minutes worth.

2012年5月23日 Starvation

While I'm not going to discuss how starvation feels when it's happened in my life, I will discuss Krimull's. 

"Ever been so hungry you could eat the asshole out of an elephant? 

All I've had in the past 24 hours is a butter finger, a shitty brownie, and a breakfast burrito that tasted so bad, I had to finger my ass and lick my finger to get the taste out of my mouth." - Krimull [emphasis mine]

Asshole of an elephant.
Fingering assholes, and licking it.

Wow.

2012年5月20日 Cougar cookies

I was hanging out with Fozzjnen today and noticed something I hadn't seen before,

Yes, I know it's just a gourmet cookie, but still... It says, "cougar" for crying out loud. It might as well say, "MILF MOUNTAIN" at least then I wouldn't feel like a jackass if I bought it.

Anyone else see questionably named products?

2012年5月7日 I still DGAF

This morning I was browsing around the internet after looking at an old post I made. Browsing the internet after looking at older stuff on the internet is kind of like going to a mall. Somehow you saw something you didn't intend to see (such as a new website), but you're going to look at it and stare anyhow. Well, the thing I discovered was In Over Your Head's, Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

Here: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

I am happy I found that, especially after rereading something I posted awhile ago. Even though I think it's incomplete for not referring to Fight Club.

But just bullshitting about finding stuff on the internet isn't why I'm posting.

I personally don't give a fuck about people who are not my friend and have no power over me than what I gave to them in the first place. 

Go ahead, suck life from yourself.
You still wouldn't give a fuck.

One of my favorite sayings to my friends or associates regarding people they don't like is that, "They don't live with you, so who gives a fuck?" Honestly one should always be concerned with who one lives with. Why? Because why should you live with someone who sucks life from you? Or why should anyone live with you if you suck the life from them? Why should you live with yourself, in your current capacity, if you suck life from yourself?

These problems err... questions, pop up from my life and its uncertainty, and sometimes certainty. I would honestly say one of the biggest fears most, if not all people have, is uncertainty. Uncertainty scares the fuck outta us, when really most of us should or may want to consider learning not to give a fuck. 

Uncertainty also tells us to stay miserable instead of going out into the wilderness. I think that's also the reason I'm skeptical of women's intentions after I express that life is full of uncertainty. Usually this frightens them! But why?

Why does uncertainty frighten a person in a deep relationship? I suppose it's because some of us have a fear of the unknown, but to actually know something you have to advance into the unknown. A great example of this would be to conduct a voyage or getting being lost in the wilderness. Without actually being in the unknown you are unable to expand upon what is known. 

Of course in today's society we trick ourselves into believing we can learn the unknown from the safety of our desks or in classrooms. But let's not bullshit ourselves, as there is no substitute for experience. That's for sure.

I don't give a fuck about people who honestly are more concerned about whether or not I'm judging them. As soon as they realize I don't give a fuck, that's when I know I'm being judged harshly. So I end up giving less of a fuck. 

Even more so, I deal with people who honestly don't even want to invest time into anything other than themselves, so frankly speaking, concepts like "up front respect" is only more bullshit to me. My dad, when available, raised me to: 

1) Not give a fuck, unless you decide to, and 

2) Never respect anyone who doesn't earn it. (I underline anyone, because no fucking way I'm going to respect stuff above a person).

Anyone who demands respect from me, neither knows me nor cares about how I feel. Of course the same might be said of me. Once I told someone that I need to not only love them for a healthy relationship, I also need and want to have respect for them. I honestly have no healthy relationships when respect is "expected" of me. Expecting fairness I can understand, but EXPECTING respect is different. Of course, being a guest in one's house, etc., has its own "rules", but if you don't give fuck about those, why bother reading to the end of this paragraph?

Other times like when I meet uncertain people or people who say, "I want to do X, but I can't" I often dismiss their desires or fears immediately, because they've already decided to give up. So it's hard to actually give a fuck, which I almost don't. 

Most of them giving up without actually doing any investigation, or because they avoid fear potentially associated with uncertainty. These people do not like gambling, (recreational games), or competition unless they know they will win. At that point why even bother? The game or exercise itself loses value if the "win" is more important.

The best part about this, is while I'm just scratching the surface, I am so happy to know that I don't need to, have to, or really give a give a fuck about most challenges like that in my life. Uncertainty is a self-feeding demon, kind of like when I get excited off my own excitement. Perpetual. The downside is that uncertainty for the fearful is often a black-hole. Gaping open after two dudes simultaneously pull out thei... You should understand what I'm trying to say at this point.

No one like that lives with me, and my life has a wonderful degree of serenity, because not giving a fuck about uncertainty is the best choice I could make in my life. Uncertainty is another price tag for being alive.

My shift ends so now I have to go outside.

I am Jack's uncertainty

***

Outside was great, since I met up with a girl from shul to bullshit and assess the quality of life. She is close to my age, a year younger. I can tell while we get along we wouldn't get along in the dating sense. I'm sure she likes having someone else to talk with who isn't in their late 35's or old enough to be a father/mother, grandpa/grandma at shul or outside of it. 

I think we're it in terms of people who willingly go to shul around the 18 to 24 and 25 to 30 range. It's kind of sad I guess since more and more people are dying and less and less people even bother with being "Jewish". Eventually kids will celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas and assume God is like Santa. I guess today's American-Jews are giving less of a fuck. Honestly speaking, I still don't give a fuck what they think, I'm not going to make them do anything they don't want to, as they'll end up fucking it up anyway.

On a side note, they might end up fucking themselves up avoiding uncertainty, just like an alcoholic fears  facing the uncertainty of life without booze. Or a man afraid and uncertain of being alone with pain, yet stays in an abusive relationship.

Not giving a fuck is a way to deal with this, or letting go of everything that prevents us from being happy with ourselves without escaping. Sometimes not giving a fuck is a form of escape, or affirmation of taking a stand for oneself? Moral survival? Confronting the escape? Who knows?

No one said not giving a fuck would be easy.

2012年4月28日 "Hungarian Delight"

Hungarian Delight is a guy I met in Japan. He's extremely knowledgeable and his command of English is amazing. Tall, muscular, pious, and trained in martial arts I figured we'd get along great since he likes death metal. We've chatted about most things regarding life since meeting, and of course also a lot of drinking. And meeting again to drink. This guy likes to drink, but not as much as I do. He's incredibly patient and doesn't judge a book by it's cover, or rather lack of cover.

Here we are drinking

Case in point, we were playing a drinking game out of checkers, and some troll was making a terrible sounding noise with a balloon. I looked over and said as nicely and calmly as possible, "Could you please stop making that noise it really really bothers me." She ignored me, so I continued this time with a little more gusto, 

"Please stop making that noise. I've asked you nicely. I've told you it really bothers me. If you continue, I will go get a pen or a knife and I will stab your balloon." 

When she didn't quit I got up calmly asked a Russian guy by the sink for a knife. He at first wasn't going to hand it to me, but I promised him I wouldn't hurt anyone (intentionally). With knife in hand I went to sit down. I said, putting the knife down in front of me, 

"I've already asked nicely, apparently nice isn't enough. Don't fuck with the balloons or I'll fucking stab it."

I thought I was being polite. I refused to turn over the knife when people got defensive and concerned. I said if they're concerned, I'll leave, but I'm wasn't giving up the knife until the balloons were gone.

Later that evening after all the commotion was over with, Hungarian Delight later told me that he was having fun and didn't really seem concerned at all. Apparently these things happen often in Hungary, along with a high-as-the-sky suicide rate. 

We became good friends after that. I think he appreciated my no-bullshit attitude, or rather maybe he was entertained? Maybe it's because my English is the easier to understand, something he complimented me on. Actually, a lot of people have told me my English is easy to understand. But I digress. 

Here are some Hungarian Delight-isms

HD on principles, humanity and cruelty

Hungarian Delight: Oh I know about that, and back to the theoretical topic: I agree with you on that. Principles need to exist because that is what makes us different from animals. Basically nature is the most cruel thing on this planet and humans are the only beings able to elevate from the struggle [of] survival.

HD on spirituality and meditation

HD:  Meditation is good for confronting with yourself, but it has nothing to do with society. [U]nfortunately a lot of people are thinking that the "eastern wonders" like meditation will help them overcome the difficulties [of life]. What the fuck do they think? Are all the people in Asia happy? Retards.

[emphasis mine]

HD briefly on responsibility

HD: That's why you're a humanist :) You think all the people think about things like responsibility and so on.

Me: Most people are utilitarians. I'm not.
HD: but a lot of people are so simple that they simply cannot understand the meaning of "responsibility"

 

HD telling me we won't always talk about everything

HD:  It is so simple. I'm sure you could find a topic I wouldn't rather discuss

Me:  Of course.

Like space-docking

It's when a man shits in a woman's vagina.

And not a wet-shit or Italian-greasy shit.

I mean, large [a] redwood tree or something.

This happens a lot in Turkish bath-houses.

The steam acts as a natural lubricant.

See, I can't imagine you're thinking, "Well, time to eat dinner!"

HD:  Your ability of incepting disturbing mental images is as great as it ever was[.]

---

I long for the day where I can drink until a stupor with HD again.

2012年4月19日 Yuck

I wake up some mornings without hope. Mainly because I feel obsolete or worse, expendable. When I feel that way I don't want to do shit, and I end up doing nothing. This feeling can last for several hours to several days. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is to get outside into the harsh, painful, and cold wet weather, instead of staying inside my warm and also very miserable cave strategically placed away from the world.

Rambo: To survive a war, you've got to become war.

Co-Bao: That why they pick you? Because you like to fight?

Rambo: I'm expendable.
Co-Bao: Expendable? What mean expendable?

Rambo: It's like, someone invites you to a party and you don't show up. Doesn't really matter.

Today I was in the cave of no hope and endless feelings of being expendable. I realized I had to get out, mainly because I had work. And also because a friend and her boyfriend wanted to meet up with me. We talked about life and work. Afterwards I took them to the store so they could make chicken for dinner or something. It was good to see them.

Afterwards my patriarch of education at the university reminded me of a quote I think I brought up with him, but somehow I forgot it, "'Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.' Mark Twain said that I think you were the one who told me that." I had a smirk on my face as he said that to me.

Fozzjnen told me to do something I'm "good at that also pays the bills." What bills? What are these bills? I mean outside of this or that, why does happiness need to be a huge income? Vacation? Why is happiness defined by clothes, technology, or land? Why do some of us feel unhappy when there is self-improvement?

Some of my best moments with friends or family has been some kind of conversation about life and just being able to exist with them sharing our worlds.

Why are people telling me more money means more options? 

What kind of options? 

Why do people work shit jobs, high-stress environments either at home or at work, only to have a few days out of 365 days to be or feel happy or hope for that matter? Why do those same people chose to have zero hope or happiness almost everyday, waiting for it to come when they can retire early? Wouldn't all that stress early on reduce their life expectancy? What's the point then working unhappily in a high stress environment or life for 15 to 20 years, only to die 10 years later from a heart attack (sources: 1, 2, 3, 4)?

Why aren't people realistically asking these questions when they have those things, and then reflecting on their whole life? 

Why do people still have these great things, sometimes abandoning relationships with their children? 

Why have those things only to have children that loathe them? 

Why even bother having children? 

Why does this happen? 

Why shouldn't we ask these questions?

I reminded myself that sometimes people define something by what exists. 

What about defining things through the absence of existence? Dark matter anyone?

I just can't quit, can I? 

I can't stop it. Actually I could, there are several bridges around here.

But I feel like I'd end up just talking about the choices of the bridge and how the bridge is actually a metaphor for something else. Probably mental masturbation.

Thoughts?

2012年4月17日 "I hurt people, I'm a dick."

Oh man, I love this video

Morals?

2012年4月14日 Cruelty

"It's a trap. I'm a trap"

Fuck the grammar, the typos, the run-on and off sentences. Fuck it, fuck me, fuck it. Let's just get down to the brass tacks of the issue.

I can be an extremely cruel person, in fact, I'm quite good at it.

Don't confuse that with pride. 

I'm not proud by any means, even if I'm good at it.

I hate it, and it makes me want to die.

I was asked by a family member something semi-personal, I asked them "Why?" 

They said, "Because I just want to know." 

I responded by openly reflecting on their past behavior, "Well, I want to know why you abandoned my brother and I for a complete stranger and his kids." 

"You know what-- just get out. I'm done."

This is somewhat unintentional and on auto-mode. But if I said it was completely unintentional I would be lying, what I mean to say is that it's me not making a huge effort other than breathing. I can help it. I could help that. I'm not trying hard or making a strong effort with that kind of cruelty and that's example I wanted to point out of that specific situation.

***

As I said, I didn't even have to try. I wasn't trying (hard) to be cruel with that response. I just found a file in my brain, scanned for whatever was the most efficient at defusing the situation from myself and bringing it up into the hypothetical realm. I wasn't angry when I asked what I asked or defensive. After the data was found, I pulled out mental mirror. I pulled it out even though it would not make the situation better. When this mirror of open-reflection-on-emotions-or-memories-that-suck is pulled out, things do not generally go well for anyone. Most people know what pains them, I find it, and remind them. 

And most of those people are not equipped to openly assess their problems, unless they are in a private room with a therapist.

So what happens when I'm trying or when don't smile?

--Fuck it doesn't even matter if I'm smiling or not!! If I'm trying, it's just fucking worse!

The following, until the end, is an open assessment of that.

I end up being the one who breaks everything. Someone may break something in their life, with or without me, and when this happens sometimes I come out and make things extremely difficult. I do this by showing them all the skeletons in their closet. Many of which they are unable to come to terms with or even knew of in the first place. Shoving it all in their emotional face, all the pain that was supposed to be gone. I bring it all back. The details, the details are the pain. And I investigate it all.

In most cases, it's not because I'm being vengeful. I bring it back as reference, as if it's just an example to a math problem. So casually, so calmly, very cruel. But what happens when it's not calm or casual?

My skill is fucking disgusting, painful, and feels VERY bad when used in a non-casual way.

But like the men and women I love: love is like roses, so it goes without saying that love doesn't come without thorns. Love has a price-tag, but love is never negotiable. If I want love, I take a risk (and that's the price tag), but I can't negotiate love because I'm afraid of the risk. Because then it negates love. That's when I got cruel. I made a, the terrible mistake negotiating hope, love, and faith. And I got cruel when I didn't get what I wanted.

I wasn't violent: I was cruelty incarnate.

An injured sparrow landed  on my hand, I tried help it as it talked to me. When it got scared, and I started to scare it, the sparrow  bit me unconsciously. I started to crush it. It didn't know any better, or if it did, I tried to crush it anyhow. I have done this to a person! I have expressed cruelty to a person. I hurt them, even though they were hurting another and wanted to stop, but couldn't or wasn't ready. Even when they knew something was wrong, and needed help with their problem, I hurt them. I hurt them effectively, and efficiently. Instead of effectively helping them efficiently. I turned my back on the lighthouse I was in charge of, letting them crash on their own rocks, and guiding them into pain. It was a terrible thing. I'm a terrible thing! And it got me thinking again about something I thought I could file away even from myself...

At that moment I was a disgustingly cruel person. And I reflected all the cruelty I saw and felt onto a person only asking for help (albeit probably not in the best way), from all the angles that I could. I applied cruelty from all hypothetical positions, from the daughter to the mother. Again, I played all angles, all stops were gone, and went as far as I could. The problem is that there isn't a limit to cruelty. And it knew it.

What was that file I put away?
If all I do is cause pain, and abuse my power, why am I even here?
If everything I touch bleeds because of my own negligence, why should I even participate in life?

It was a type of punishment on that person. The last time, someone came to me with hesitation, we broke up 24 hours later. I had no idea she was going to leave me so suddenly. Without any warning, no big fight, nothing. Our last meeting as a couple, while short was so nice. She got me flowers, a smile, a hug, everything, but enthusiasm. 

"Will you spend the night?" 

"... No, I'm just tired from work..." 

"I love you, don't work so hard!" I said. 

24 hours later, she had broken up with me. When hesitation came back again into my life, from someone else, I struck hard and fast with cruelty. I wasn't just going to get hit like that again.

Someone makes a mistake, hesitates, causes pain intentionally or accidentally, and instead of coming out with a helping hand at some point I pull the mirror. I use it on everyone, all those who are weak, innocent, guilty, and strong. And I use it until submission. Until the pain causes them to shutdown, and when that happens I use it even more, because I see the submission as an escape. I don't quit until their own reflection bleeds them. Although sometimes I did, I would even stand in front the mirror and project my skeletons onto someone else. Sometimes there isn't a submission. Sometimes someone looks beyond the mirror, and sees only that I'm holding a mirror. Some people just look at see me, holding information. And they look beyond me, and they look at the future. Those people are untouchable against that kind of cruelty. Few can do it. I have brought great shame on myself for finding those people when I used a mirror that way. I have brought greater shame on me from those who couldn't.

***

The coffee reminded me that I have a wonderful skill, and I'm using it in the wrong way.

And I'm using it in the wrong way because I'm hating myself, because of fear.

I'm the man who shows you how to hurt yourself when you say you want to hurt yourself. 

I'm the man who wants to drink with you when you want to get drunk.

I'm the man who wants to smile with you when you want to feel better. 

I'm the man who hurts you when you hurt others, or you hurt yourself.

I'm the man who wants to love you, when you hate yourself.
I'm the man who wants to hate you, when you love yourself.

I'm the man who wants to love you, when you love yourself.

I'm the man who wants to hate you, when you hate yourself.

I'm the man who loves you, when you come for love.

I'm the man who shows you hate, when you come for love.

I'm the man who shows you love, when you come for hate.

I'm the man who shows you a shadow, when you come for the man.

I'm the shadow of a man, when I turn off the lights.

I'm the man who loves children, yet jokes about kicking them down stairs.
I'm the man in pain, but smiles anyway.
I'm the man who is angry, yet happy anyway.

I'm the man who holds the door open for you. And I'm the guy kicks you when you're down. 

I shake your hand, I show honest kindness. 

And I also show my cruelty honestly, and its morally wrong, repugnant, and realistically worse than ingesting pig-vomit with intensity. 

When fear takes over, evil flourishes

My dishonesty is when I express that the world is a good place, and we need hope and faith, and yet my moral nihilism tells me nothing matters. My dishonesty is that is that hold a high standard, and yet I wake up sometimes wondering if it matters at all. My dishonesty is my doubt, my fear, and from that fear comes my cruelty.

Every time a new question, a new answer, and a new situation I often find myself re-creating and re-learning to cope with the structures & chaos of and in the world. It's a nightmare sometimes to be my friend. It's a blessing sometimes to be my friend. I'm the worst or the best, in just a few moments, in just a few questions, in just a few answers. Everything is fragile and yet solid. It's all water, ice one moment, mist in another. Bringing clouds, quenching thirst, bringing waves to swim in, and rain to flee from.

It's a nightmare to know that when all a person really needs from me is a hug, a smile, or a glass of water, but all I do sometimes is wait with that mirror. Or those skeletons, and I'm waiting to show you them. Whether it's reminding someone of a song that depresses the fuck out of them, or bringing up something they said eons ago, I wait. I wait in my fear. And sometimes I wait in my love.

It's a terrible thing that I wield both peace and war in both hands, sometimes simultaneously.

It's cruel I can do it with a smile or tears in my eyes.

It's cruel I still exist when I do these cruel things.
It makes me wonder if should die from a Jihad-ist beheading involving sporks and serrated butter knives.

I am not the tax collector of your sins, but sometimes I wear that suit.

When I get home and look into my own mirrors, I remind myself that I also have my own taxes to collect. I hate myself for lying to myself. When the persons in my life I should have been angry at, I let go in peace. Sure, I should have let them go in peace, but I shouldn't have lied to myself about the situation thinking that I shouldn't have been angry. I should have been honest with myself, instead of going for the mirror. 

I shouldn't have been cruel to another or myself, when someone was there to help me. To help me off the ground. Instead I kicked myself. Then one day, I stopped kicking and I got up. Later I offered the same, I offered to help someone up, and when they kicked their body instead of getting up, I kicked them also. God will make me pay for this, and I hope one day, I can learn from this or die trying.

w/o love for anything
or anyone.

So sometimes I wonder if I should pay the ultimate price just to catch up on the interest of my own transgressions. If I paid, would I really be paying the price or is it that cruelty would really win?

What about love? 

Do I even remember love or is it all just fear now? 

Certainly there is hope. Certainly. 

Because I can see it, even though it's just beyond my reach. 

I have to pick one or the other, or I will never have peace and love. 

I will never have complete war and anger. 

I will have only an opportunity for nothing and everything at the same time, but never actually having nothing or everything. It'll just be me at the intersection with the choice.

When will I wake up, instead of punishing others for not waking up?

I can't afford to wait. I can't afford to wait, if I want hope and faith.
I can't afford to wait if I want a life of hope and faith.
I can't afford to be cruel anymore, because the price-tag is too much.

I can't afford to solve my fear alone.

Every available resource at my disposal must be available for them, including my life, or there never will be a recovery from this. Of course, I did offer every available resource before, and when I asked for honesty, it was denied. I applied honesty again, albeit aggressively in a cruel manner. When my (cruel and direct) honesty was not met with honesty other than with anger and hatred, I wondered if this person really wanted help.

Even now I wonder, why weren't my questions answered? Why can't this person express trust?
A mistake is a mistake if the perception of truth was wrong. I.e. "Two times two is five!" The truth is wrong, because the person did not know the truth. But when the person knows the truth saying, "Two times two is five!" Yet the person saying that knows it is not five, certainly we can't say that's a mistake. It's a lie.

I may have been cruel, but a lie is also cruel. Cruelty itself is just cruelty, it can be honest or it can be through deception. Continuing lying and knowing it, is cruel. Dishonesty is cruel as well. Truth can be cruel to those who do not believe in it. :) As someone once said to me, "What's actually changed other than you're the bad guy? As far as I'm concerned you didn't lie about anything and you were honest from the beginning (regardless of being cruel)."

Questions never end. Nor should they.
Not asking or answering questions, raises more and more questions

2012年4月1日 Friendship

Penny-wise, master space-docker

Me (jokingly, or... Not?): "If someone were to ask what our friendship is, I would say intellectual conversation and talking about shitting in women's vaginas."

Fozzjnen (while driving, does a WTF-face): hahahaha.

I have no idea why I said that, but I am proud to say I didn't invent "space-docking." NASA is responsible for that one. I suppose I'm happy I talked about friendship rather than talking about dinosaurs. Dinosaurs can wait for later!

2012年3月28日 Fucking internet!

Video heavy

Yeah...
(Steve Obscure, copyright)

Using the internet is awesome, until you realize the porn, or 14, er, 18 year old girl you're trying to cyber with happens to be a 37 year old gay man. But that's the magic of the internet, and that same magic of the internet is entertains me when I'm bored.

Here are a few sites I'd suggest:

YTMND, You're the man now dog!

YouTube, duh.

Fark.com, which rates news articles and so forth as "scary", "funny," "sick," etc.

When all else fails, use YouTube to make yourself feel better, as you make fun of a 19 year old black  guy, who ends up getting caught fucking pitbulls on camera. 

Don't believe me? 

Watch the news report below. I wonder if the guy fucking the dog was thinking, "Georgia['s] on my mind!"

But wait there is more!
Watch a little girl get shot down by a TIE-fighter

Prank calls, I love these things.

Quotes:

"To me, I don't want anybody touching me...

I don't know what's going on....

I heard him screaming...

If he comes back I'm gonna choke this nigga out...

...I'ma serve this bitch up some cold Ramen noodles.

...Jewish Ninjas..."

2012年2月13日 I hate work and it makes me a racist

Today I listen to the Portland police department's dispatch over the internet with my right ear - (here), - I keep the left open. I read the news and I wonder about life. Today like most days, we have customers, or rather, I have customers. Today's people come in, and they're mostly eastern Asian looking. That doesn't irritate me, what irritates me is how they never respond when I say "Hello" or acknowledge their presence. No raising of eyes-brows to acknowledge me, or them glancing at me so I can do it. No glance or nod, no wave of hands. Nothing!

Most wear hooded sweaters and as they scurry towards the computers, ignoring the rest of the world. Their movements are more detached than that of a strung out whore on Efukt. You know what I'm talking about, it's those whores in porn who do that 8-ball of meth, lest they have nightmares of when their "step-dad," the whore code-word for biological dad, did stuff to them as an adolescent.

So back to Asians. I personally don't have a problem with them, but I'm constantly irritated at the hive mentality of some of them. Eventually I'm just going to look at them all under one huge discriminating filter. The exact same way I look at the extremist black-hat Hasidim in Israel and nasty-Palestinians here. I can see it now: the Palestinians here get what they want and next thing you know all I see is women constantly being choked to "Allahu Akbar." Said really slowly. That and shitty sounds of ezan in the morning.

Anyway here's some videos.

They're short videos (30 seconds each?) so watch'em.

But how can those Palestinians even get what they want, when they get some stupid bitch talking about "martyrs"? And most of those who are "martyrs" probably can't even read above a 4rd grade level. I actually can't tell the difference between her message and dueling banjos.

And look at those black-hats dance! I swear, replace that music with something from DDR, add some drugs, glow-sticks, and black-lights and it's a rave! It's no wonder people don't fuck around with ultra-orthodox Jews. These guys can bust a move. Although I'm not sure if I posted this already... :\ ...Fuck it.

Again I digress. But damn those Asians do piss me off sometimes. Maybe it's my job, like most jobs, if you aren't in a "boss" or mid-level position you're not taken as someone who knows the ins and outs of procedures. Either way, without actually asking an employee a person (or apathetic Asian) doesn't really know the truth, and this applies to me as well. But it's not stopping me from looking down on them condescendingly when they treat me like shit or a fellow hive-worker (i.e. shit times two). Maybe it's because they don't push in their chairs, or they don't have those in Asian households. I'm sure it's because we all know chairs are for civilized people.

Reverse race card

2012年2月8日 YesssS!

I never thought I would find a theme to a film, albeit adult in nature, which is over 30 years old. The theme itself it's just priceless it terms of how it is displayed in the movie, it was also a time where porno actually had decent music, by decent I mean if it doesn't turn you on then at least it could make you laugh.

I think in terms of adult films, if I ever were to own one (i.e. physical DVD or some other medium) it would be The Opening of Misty Beethoven. Mainly because this film itself has so many good lines. Even if one were to skip over all the pornographic scenes in the film displaying X or Y organs, some with pipes, one could genuinely say the film scores at a C+ to B level in terms of quality. Dialogue wise, it certainly is at the standard of, if not above and beyond, romantic comedy films of today. You can find a better "daba-da" here (URL, SFW), which is much more campy and ear friendly.

An example of people who
enjoy "easy tempo" music

The downside about new(er) adult films is that the music sucks, the acting sucks (literally), and more often than not, one would probably have a better viewing experience if they watched premium cable soft-core-porn. Of course the alternative that I'm suggesting, which is watching porn from the mid-70's or within that decade is almost akin to watching steel workers covered in wool garments hug each other for hours. Yet films of those years are still promising in other areas: such as music, which is the purpose of today's lesson.

This search primarily was initiated because of the previous NSFW film whose URL and music I suggested in a previous post. I found out the composer for that film was Alain Goraguer under the name "Paul Vernon". This inspired a massive search for groovy psychedelic music that, while not replacing The Price Is Right theme or cues still, would stand at a proud second.

What I do while listening
to funky-ass music.

The music I wanted to find is mainly for those early mornings when the sun appears as a disgusting small film on the horizon, no bigger than a distant contrail. Not for imagining gay construction workers getting all sweaty, or whacking off in a camper.

Thinking again about the sun lingering only on the horizon, I watch how dark clouds intercept and try to control my immediate sky above. But it's unable to expand to the horizon as the early morning sun slightly penetrates, with permission of course. See ORS 163.412.

It's a nasty sight to see a yellow glow like that. The color reminds me of cheap crayons made in the 70's. Of course, that last bit was just this morning, but most mornings suck anyhow when I'm not paying total attention.

After searching and searching for some kind of other music which I could say is inspiring, I found the following:

Music like this, while maybe someone might say is shallow, it still retains that slick, cool-cat, bare-backing, all-natur~al, silk on a butt, butter on the grits, kind of smooth touch feeling, that I like when I trudge about.

Anyone else have music they like listening to when they need an upbeat or inspiring moment?*

The alternative is succumbing to ED. And I don't mean Ed(ucation)...

*Tenacious D counts

More fun,

Oh man there are too many, so here is a few...
I Gres - To Jean Luc
Keith Papworth - Morning Trip
Armando Trovajoli - Decisione

2012年2月7日 Sicko'd

I'm not lying, when I say
that I can't make this shit up.

Sometimes when I watch videos of rappers in large groups dancing, I almost feeling like Michael J. Fox is controlling their movements with some kind of human scale marionette controller.

Sources:

Snoop Dogg (should start at 2:26 automatically)

Snake Hips

***

Last night was terrible. I was unable to get into a decent position so that I could get some sleep. Being congested fucked with consistent breathing, moreover, when I was able to get into a good position, my knee started to hurt terribly. It took me over five hours to get 5 hours of sleep. Albeit most of that sleep was interrupted due to chest and knee pain. So far, I'm slowly feeling like I'm getting better, but now my nose is getting out of control. There's as much discharge as there are from whores in Australia. Crickey!

Nightmares reoccur occasionally, and my last major one was Sunday morning. My drinking has been cut down to nothing, mainly because I can't afford it and because some of my other objectives, goals, and (wet-)dreams are more important.

I was reminded again today of a short story that pissed me off, and maybe it's because of the above mentioned nightmares.

It's called "Suigetsu." A short story by Kawabata Yasunari. At some point in the story the narrator reflecting on her first husband, before his death due to TB (Total-Bitch syndrome), is told by her second husband that,

"Healthy love is something that only exists in healthy people". 

Sounds like she married a total asshole. Too bad for her previous husband, obviously he wasn't cool enough to fight TB and live. Interestingly enough, my lungs make me feel as if I'm suffering in the same manner... But I digress.

Frankly speaking, I suppose what irritates me about being sick is that I know when I'm sick I can't pay attention to new instruction sometimes. Other things, yes, such as observational skills when mentally assessing something function slightly slower than normal, or at the same pace, but being patient enough to watch someone's mannerisms and wonder if they're okay, or taking time to acknowledge that is something is difficult when I'm sick.

Sharp and constant pain almost encourages zero patience when my knee is hurting to the max (see volume set to 11). Of course, I may appear callous and probably am, but I am more concerned with helping that person off the ground than letting them lie there. Talking to them about why they are on the ground, while they are still there is for counselors and people with no dicks or balls. This doesn't mean, though it might imply, that I ignore what put them there on the ground. Absolutely not, I would or have, always pulled people up eagerly in my dick-ish-way telling them how they failed as I stand them up. Of course, I can't stand anyone up, even myself if they are unwilling or unable. I know this well, as I have PVNS.

I can say that my bravery to face PVNS and still smile says at least something... If I had a theme song, it would reluctantly be Brave Sir Robin's

Now that I'm sick and the day is through, 
I'm going to lie down and dream of the blue, 

crack rocks, and music of French porno (URL) flicks*,
Making me think about why I'm sick.


*(NSFW, start at 57minutes)

2012年2月2日 Clouds of various sorts

En route to the the end of the first pillar of the beginning something I'm doing, I looked up at the cloudless sky. Except of a single bloated contrail from sitting in the air too long. 

As the sky turned a light blue, akin the to GT40 debut color at Le mans. But the contrail turned into a light pink, and then a fluffy purple as the sun started to set. My knee was hurting, but my attention was still on the clouds. Then I farted quietly,

And while no one else was around, I was still embarrassed that I ruined my own train of thoughts with a mental fog focused on the flatulence, albeit my brain nor the air around me smelled vile.

2012年2月1日 "First, I would like to just get to know you"

Normally I don't like posting videos alone without some kind of explanation, but this one was just done so well compared to other ones that are designed to annoy. This guy knows how to use a soundboard, and he gets bonus points for doing it via phone calls instead of using internet chat clients.

The transitions of pictures well done as well.

2012年1月26日 Trunk of Ahmed

"It doesn't take long to do the good things. Though I am a bad Muslim. I smoke weed, drink, fuck chicks."

I wondered whether or not he does this to the following or if he saves that kind of music for efukt(.com, NSFW) as he he masturbates without reservations or chokes a bitch while chanting "Allahu akbar":

I think part of me inside died a little bit as I realized I was talking to a dude who believed that Israel was just as bad as communist Chinese. Considering that the (Communist - with a capital "C") Chinese believe in nothing other than synthetic penile enhancement and world domination through atheism, I couldn't understand why the Saud couldn't grasp the difference between those two countries.

It only mattered as much as I wanted it to, and that's why I thought of moral nihilism for the millionth time.

2012年1月22日 Dangerous ideas

Yeah, don't look up
cock-docking

Today I said something that not only shut off Fozzjnen's brain, he ran a red light because he was unable to concentrate on anything. I think it was because I said, "Hillary Clinton" and "tree". Somehow with pictographs it will make, "Country."

Or maybe it was when I brought up the vulgar phenomenon of cock-docking. Look it up on urban dictionary, but don't Google image that shit, because it's pretty bad.