2016年1月21日 As time passes

It has been awhile since I've last posted anything. So much for having Repugnant Thoughts Everyday. It's a good thing I changed it to "Everyday?" instead of "Everyday." The distinction matters, at least in my opinion, but then again whose opinion really matters beyond my own? I write one-sided articles for disembodied readers. It's not like I can see what your face looks like, or determine your level of understanding. Everything is just my thoughts alone and perception of others' thoughts. No, I really can't say for sure if my opinion matters more than another here. My opinion is the only one present, but that doesn't imply that my opinion is right or wrong or that is it the dominant opinion. It just is; therefore, I'll just get to it.

For awhile now I've been wondering about life. Obviously being away from blogging gives one time to do those things. Unfortunately sometimes I circle back to the darkest and most fucked up things on the internet. Efukt is one of those things.

www.efukt.com is basically the ogrish/live-leak of porn. But I'll let them explain themselves with their own words:

Adult humor for adults, Makers of Lulz. Shocking Humor, Porn bloopers, Porn Fails, Cam Whores, Amateur Porn and more.

No surprise in terms of what you'll see, such as the woman who can prolapse her vagina to reveal her cervix. I am not joking here folks. You can see it here HERE (NSFW).

Should I bother having kids?
After seeing that vid on efukt?

In any case, it should be noted that when I watch videos like this, I wonder if it's even necessary to reproduce. Certainly like kind of behavior is going to continue, but it makes me wonder.  

Whose daughter is that? Whose son (or daughter) is the cameraman? Why would people pay to watch this?! What happened in this woman's life where this is something she is willing not only to do, but to do it on camera?

When I ask these questions, and do not explore answers, I still come to the same conclusion: if this is the risk I run of being a parent - having kids like this - I might as well not ever have children, in spite of the fact that I would like them.

As I get older, not much wiser, and even more confused, I run the risk of never coming to any significant conclusions other than: I will pay taxes (one way or another), I will probably continue work/study and eventually stop, and I will die. The latter of which is probably the only real guarantee in life, at least as the present moment.

Beyond those things, I can't really the time I've spent away has been wasted from this blog. I can't at this time discuss anything that's going on in my life, so I'll just go over some of the less personal things that are happening.

Some of the stranger things that have happened to me over the recent years was being able to see Gary Numan, whom I've written about before here on this blog, but rarely tours these days.

Beyond that I got drunk with a neighbor, and in street on the way home from a bar we grappled in the street. I didn't realize my knee was hurting until I went to bed that night.

I guess that about sums up my life: What happened to a woman who needs to show off her prolapsing vagina, Gary Numan, and grappling.

2014年08月28日 Jealous enough to liquor

Probably one of the more terrifying things a man can experience is jealously. 

This jealously is never healthy for people who are fanatics like myself. My tendencies evolve jealously into problematic and destructive things. For some jealousy is healthy for a relationship, but for me it isn't.

Case number 03189:

I walk into a bar with a friend - he's gay, so what? - and I run into a woman that I have been attracted to over the last year or longer. She's a warm person, if that warmth happened to be in a sauna located in the arctic circle. A complicated woman with many layers. We met online, talked on the phone and went on a few dates, but I don't think she likes younger men (I'm 28 and she's 37). Nothing happened, but we've kept in contact sporadically.

Anyhow, she spots me and waves me over to hug her, which is something I've never done before with her.

"Nice to see you again, but I'm here to get drunk. You look a little busy, so nice seeing you!" 

I said. And that was that. 

There were Wild Turkey shots waiting for me in the lounge area, and not the bar/restaurant area where she was sitting in a red-dress. No I wasn't going to lollygag around waiting to get booze and losing my buzz in the process, even briefly. 

No. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Invited Transgender Species* I was there to drink and hang out. So for me, mission accomplished. Okay, and maybe get laid at some point too, but that's a different story.

So a week passes by and I catch the red-dress woman online, where she brought up my friend. She said that when she hugged me, my guy friend looked jealous as hell.

And her message was expounded with,

"I could feel it, he was not very happy about my existence there." 

I agreed, but at that time when she saw him in the bar I was preoccupied with getting drunk (though I didn't). I was even startled to see her there, since I had strong feelings for her, yet I knew of an answer that could quickly change these feelings.

The Wild Turkey drenched jealously away, at least for me though I didn't seem to have any. If anything seeing her smile at me was like a reminder of wearing a Scarlet Letter, except mine would have been an "S" for spurned. 

You can smell Wild Turkey once the smokey flavors get within a few inches of your nose. Soon after pressing the shot glass to your lips, you begin to start closing your eyes. The glass bottom tipped up towards the ceiling, and then dropping the solution down into your mouth. Like most medicine it tastes like shit, at first; but when the taste-buds adjust, the feeling is different. A few times in my life I had adjusted my feelings to the taste, and while that was a long time ago I at least wrote significantly more.

Not a quitter

Like the jealously of my gay-friend, the feeling did adjust, once he finished his shot sipping it slowly.

I paid, feeling cocky I left 30 percent tip. We left through the lounge entrance and walked around downtown towards the water. Once there we found more places to drink. He invited me to a gay bar. I don't care: they usually have cheaper drinks.

There I drowned out my feelings, be them jealous or not.

I was jealous enough to liquor out of my life, until I woke up the next day.

*To quote Lieutenant Commander Data

2012年5月18日 Greed

Not really a good thing.

There were times in my life where I have been greedy. So much so that I actually thought I should be exempt from whatever I'm doing to other people. Most of the time (95%+) I'm not like that. If I see a guy making fun of someone, I make fun of him. Even if I know I will be made fun of back. That same fairness that use almost all the time doesn't matter if I break it, even once.

Basically what greed comes to is this, 

"What does it really mean?" 

"Where does it really come from?" 

"Where will it take me?" 

Of course not just limited to those questions, but one should always ask questions about their greed. Questions always need to be asked. While I'm not happy per-se, I am above total misery since even though I was greedy during parts of my life, I still was able to ask tough questions. Sometimes those tough questions you ask yourself while you're greedy will make you miserable and make you doubt whatever you are doing, and it should. Unless what you're doing already IS greedy and you're trying to escape the greed. If one tries to escape greed with less greed, it does nothing. 

Just as one digs a hole, it must be filled back up. Digging a smaller hole to fill in with dirt from the big hole, changes nothing. It's kind a credit card to pay off another credit card. Without filling these holes back up, one's emotional landscape and life will only amount to huge mounds of dirt and filth. - Certainly I've felt that way before. - Emotionally this feeling is beyond the limitations of a six-letter word like "misery." Good movie though.

At some point greed may leave, but the feelings that soon come in might never go away. The pain, the shame, the guilt, and anguish that comes with greed, they'll stay for a long time until the dirt is put back in the hole and the grass is green again. Whether or not things can be okay between the greedy and another really depends on the parties involved. Sometimes nothing changes. If that's the case, then it's best to part ways. 

A guy

One I wrote about, here (Jabberwocky)

I had that happen with a guy I knew for about 22-23 years. He'd more or less be super flaky with me, and every time I felt hurt by his greed. He only wanted to hang out when it was convenient, or basically when no one else was available. When he was bored of hanging out with me, even while I was still around he'd call other people and schedule things to do with them. In front of me! Sometimes he'd disappear for a minutes to several hours while chatting online with others while I'm visiting with him or something else. 

Well, years went by and he joined the military and left. Recently he came into town and wanted to meet up. I arrived at the pub we were supposed to go drinking at 5 minutes earlier than the time he said. He wasn't there. I waited an hour. By then I was pretty much pissed off and how he could blow off leaving me in the lurch. I had one full-bodied 8.5+ ABV or 12+ beer, which wonderfully he paid for. I was still pretty irratated since he was trying to have me visit with him, yet he kept things extremely shallow and only wanted to drink a beer then leave. I felt like I was just a touristy spot on a map. One of those places that not even the locals bother to visit since it's just a place. But I'm not a goddamn place, I'm his fucking-friend! Or so I thought.

The effects of the alcohol started to settle. My filter was coming off, no surprise he had mentioned 20 minutes earlier I had no filter with humor. Wait till you see the things I say when I'm not being funny... I called him out on somethings and treated him like shit, like he had done with me. Not only to his face, but also in front of his woman friend - I don't even think they have anything more meaningful than that, - and one of his social buddies. 

I made no excuses for myself in the process of doing what I did. He did it and I did it. We were cutting ties. It was interesting since I had watched him after years of telling me I'm "a good friend" and how much he "cares about [me]." Yet quickly he started saying callous things about how I'll "die a lonely miserable man." Thankfully only I get to decide that, or God, whichever comes first. I stopped letting him be greedy with me, and using me. And I stopped feeling miserable. Still, I was being greedy with myself within the way I got out of that situation. I could have taken him aside, I could have done the right thing. By then I was either working my way through the beer or too disappointed and frustrated to care. 

All I know now is that I was probably greedy in trying to "get back" at him (verbally unloading), for something that he seemingly took for granted anyhow. I should have taken him aside when he came in and told him how I felt about the situation, and laid down the law. But I didn't. Hindsight is certainly worth it's weight in gold, porno, and lotion.

Yep.

It's important to do the opposite of greed once one realizes the danger of greed. A desire to become penitent is certainly the first step. In my case, instead of being greedy, I should make an effort exact myself through benevolence and generosity. 

Alternatively I could do nothing, but then I would feel like the emotional forest I have towards my heart and soul would become listless and lifeless as dead trees litter the landscape. Walking on a path like that would be like walking through an endless cemetery. Large monoliths devoid of life. Only carrying the memory and images of things long gone and never passed on. Dead. Dead trees are like that. Greed is like that. Taking, taking, and taking. Eventually, there is no place to rest.

2012年5月17日 Castles, houses, and bodies

Uwajima-jo
(Uwajima Castle)
Quite modest

For a long time I have wanted to build a castle. Sometimes I've given up on that dream, but I still go back to that dream. Whether it's a small castle or Japanese yagura (castle keep) sized structure, I will make sure this dream becomes a reality or die trying.

Our own health, be it mental or emotional, is like a building. We can be grand, with kingly halls, wide with great open spaces, or a garage. The former while probably beautiful, might have nothing  inside, whereas the garage may be filled with all kinds of exotic things. One honestly has to figure out how far one is willing to go for X or Y thing, stuff, feeling, emotion, experiences, and/or intelligence. But let's be honest, we know it's easy to manufacture a house (a life) quickly and cheaply. 

Some people might say that manufactured houses are convenient and comfortable, which they are in a fleeting way. Kind of like swimming in a shallow pool: it will never offer the depth and richness of what the ocean offers. Of course the ocean also has it's own price-tag: it's fucking dangerous, has sharks, and hundreds of thousands of garbage, animal semen, real seamen, and annoying fucking tourists.

So, is a manufactured house for me?

No thanks.

For you?

I have no idea.

I'm hiring this guy for
the construction

When it comes to building oneself on the inside or building something on the outside, it's important, extremely important that one makes sure he or she is using the right tools, resources, and efficient labor. Yes, it might be expensive, but we're talking about one's own life. And life happens to be the home for one's character. With cheap and inexpensive products, while convenient and quickly accomplishing a structure still doesn't help a person in the long run, unless they have zero expectations. That means being happy or sad is trivial, but within that kind of mentality why would anyone choose to build THEIR home or dream in such a manner? Committing to a cause or an idea is not something anyone can do without expectations.

We've heard someone fantasizing before, in one form or another, but usually it sounds like this,

"I want to be an gold medal Olympian, but I don't want to work that hard (make those kind of sacrifices etc....)". 

These kinds of people have already committed towards giving up. In fact just fantasizing about the gold medal and not even pursuing is worse than masturbation, - though with I see nothing wrong with real masturbation, so long as people admit to knowing that they're just fucking themselves, which is what masturbation is! But I'm starting to ramble a bit...

Where does this kind of mentality come from? I think it comes from examples like this one, 

"Maybe I should give my seat up for that old person?" 

I'm sure you've thought about something like that before, and then same voice - hopefully your own - commends you for being a good person for having that thought of kindness, even though you did absolutely nothing. 

This kind of action is also done with people trying to lose weight, "I'm working on losing weight!" or "I'm going on a diet!" As soon as the dieter hears, "Good for you!" or "Keep it up!" they pretty much yield to the compliment as if they've really accomplished something, when in reality they've just opened their mouth, which may also explain how they became over-weight.

Another problem is that we - yes, I'm also included in we, - seem to ignore (or forget) that our individual needs. These needs often must be met by specific resources. Food in a sense is a more basic aspect of this concept. If you don't eat, your house (as your body) gets weak, shoddy, and very well may end up dilapidated. If you eat too much, or fill your house with useless things you take room away from nutrients you need and from people who love you.

So why don't we really take more time with ourselves? Looking for our own individual parts, looking for the correct laborers before we build ourselves up? For me I constantly have to add, subtract, multiply, divide, rebuild and look at and for new solutions. I almost never find myself completely content, and when I do it just seems like I'm ignoring reality. The latter of that is especially true for me when I'm happy in a relationship, I seem to ignore everything/something is wrong and/or could go wrong, because I'm high as the sky on rainbows and love. But we all know the "The Winner Loses" (see Body Count), especially if we're trying to be higher than the sky.

No one gets in for free. 

No house worth spending the rest of one's life in should be built with shoddy craftsmanship, especially when we're our own foreman and laborer! No one gets to get in for free, as even we have our own price tags on and with ourselves. Even more so when the house is our soul. 

No one gets in for free, as we can only make so many seats, beds, and rooms in our own "house." Hold tight, and never givin' up is one way. The wise will tell you too that it is never easy. If it were easy, you took short-cuts. Why would you want to take short cuts on materials when building your own house?

As for real modern castles, over the past 5 years I have been enjoying the construction details of Dupont Castle, as seen here http://www.dupontcastle.com/

2012年5月16日 Busy

Sometimes I wonder if we're so busy that we don't ever really get a chance to carve out a time to have a deeper understanding of ourselves. Yes, there are times where I feel like I'm "wasting" my time. But whenever I share time with another, watching a favorite T.V. program, or movie, lounging in the sun I don't. This really only applies when I'm with another. 

I suppose because life is short, and we're often so busy with sleep our own lives and goals with work, we really never get to know other people in higher ways. In fact, if we sleep and work for about 16 hours a day, commute for about an hour and a half, shower and eat another hour or so. We really about 5-6 hours of time to know another person. Add personal time like going to the gym, miscellaneous hobbies and so own, and time becomes even less. Hell, our bosses and co-workers have more opportunities to know us than our friends.

There is a way to remedy this, which is to find similar minded people and talk, talk, talk, sharing yourself with them as they do the same. And never wanting to stop talking helps too. When Krimull and I lived together, we'd I'd talk talk talk yak endlessly until one of us fell asleep. Usually it was him first.

2012年5月14日 Music is food for the soul & love

(VIDEO heavy)

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

- Twelfth Night, by Snakeshit Shakespeare

Over the past three days I have been thinking about small talk. What is small talk? What is the most important thing you could find out about a person within the context of small talk? Music has to be in the top 5. "Why?" you ask? Because it's important to acknowledge someone's tastes, as listening to music is often what one enjoys doing with oneself.

If I ask a person what they listen to in terms of music, what they share with me, as above, is what they enjoy when they are alone. So for me to bash on what they like to do when they are alone is like bashing who they are as a person and individual. This is why music for small talk is important, however one shouldn't bullshit another with idiotic things like, "That's cool" when really one may have wanted to say I can't enjoy much like that. 

Nothing is more depressing than telling someone you listen to genre X or band Y and hearing from a them,

"That's cool." 

Yet 10 minutes later in the car they say something like, 

"Can we listen to something else?" 

What the fuck?

My advice is exactly what I said it is. Be honest and up front about your dislikes and likes. Don't try to be anything you're not. That calm, caring, nice, agreeable person, be it you or anyone who claims to be, only works when you're lying to your family/relatives, co-workers/customers, one-night-stands, and people you would never want to live with anyway. 

Saying you agree with, also enjoy, or giving any reinforcement towards a music genre or song a person says they enjoy, for which you secretly disagree with, is like making a broken promise up front. You are promising a compliment, which the listener could take with sincerity - as they ought to trust your word right? - and then secretly at the same moment you clearly disagree on the inside. You didn't break a promise, you made something that was already broken.

This is why asking about music is not only serious but also important. We shouldn't compromise who we are with ourselves when we're trying to share ourselves with others. What we listen to for ourselves is part of that. What's the purpose of getting to know someone? When all we do is either shoot down in secret who they are or doing it with ourselves with them? What a big fucking waste of time. Unless our objective is to take what we want a leave... But that's another repugnant thought for another day.

Here's how it may or should go down,

"I like N'sync."

"I can't listen to them, (because of x reason here...)

If someone has a problem with how you feel about X or Y band, artist, song, concerto, whatever, you can tell that person to "go play hide and go fuck yourself." No one should judge you for who you are with you, unless you're lying or destroying integrity. On a side note I've beat down integrity to the point where only shame and pain is left. So certainly learn from my experience if you can. But time and time again, I ramble...

We should use even more caution with anyone who says,

"I like all types of music." 

Unless they're God or a non-human, I'd say that person is flat out lying. We all know that a friend to all is a friend to none. 

I can honestly say that I my closest friends have shared music with me in the best way possible. My ex-GFs like music, but whatever they shared with me I couldn't always connect with after we were no longer dating. It was like I loved the songs because I was with them. Yet with my closer friends, we'd basically play "music tag". 

One week it's,

"Dude listen to this!" 

And then the next, 

"Oh dude! Check this band out!" 

"Feeling like shit? This song might make you feel better!"

Suggesting songs to those I care about and those back to me, and even now when we hear those songs we sometimes go back to emotions we've had when we first heard it and/or started loving it.

Yes, music is important.

In fact, music shouldn't be an escape, although at times it can be one. The issue where music and sharing one's music with another person becomes difficult is when someone reflects on why they enjoy X or Y band. But don't confuse difficult with problematic in this case.

I think ANY time one reflects on the music they enjoy there is a deeper understand of oneself, but when one avoids explanation, with phrases like, "Just because". It's almost like a person is afraid to create depth within their own being. It's their choice, but personally I genuinely don't like being around people who like things for the sake of liking them or without explanation.

Then again, I believe anyone who bothers sharing anything with me ought to explain oneself, including myself for choosing to listen to them!

Just a few examples, nowhere near the amount I'd like to share,

And one of my personal favorite top 5 songs ever, ends up as tie by the same artist,

Go to sleep, everything is alright.

2012年5月12日 "To the pure, all things are pure"

University life, or life in general, can be a tedious but rewarding experience. What does it mean to learn? Is it possible to really learn something, yet ignore it completely as if we had never really learned at all? Yes, it is. Sometimes we say one thing, do one thing, hear one thing, have one thing happen to us, then we claim to have learned, but in reality nothing changed. Because if we really learned anything would we not mature from the pain? 

Should we gauge our happiness and success by comparing it with the past? I think we should constantly re-gauge ourselves, checking whether or not our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual instruments are working.

 

No one really knows for sure without overcoming a challenge. Sometimes there are two, three, even four or more challenges simultaneously. We have to decide which challenges are important to us and then go from there. Other times we can only pick one or none. Better pick the right challenge, or if one picks the wrong challenge, then one better not wait to correct it. The truth hates delays.

We can't totally live for tomorrow, yesterday, or today, since the days are interconnected. Ideally, we need to remember that as ourselves we should pick ourselves, then as ourselves we can go to God and God's teachings or commercialized holidays, greed, and self-idolatry. One can't learn without teaching. Can't teach without learning.

Teaching and learning in my case? In my case I have no choices on some issues, other than to find a way to advance or make one. Unfortunately and fortunately for me, my path doesn't go backwards only onward. A bridge breaking behind as I advance. Yes, there are stops along the way, but it only ends when I die or give up. What was that which Horace was claimed to have said? Something like, 

"Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit "

(The Fellow is either mad or he is composing verses.)

I suppose that applies to me.
I remember once when I was somewhat pure, thinking that most things could be good and pure too. Now that I'm older, stupider, with fervor towards patient structures while expressing the same towards chaos, I find that nothing is at it seems. We sometimes wake up as sane people in an insane world. Somehow while things could be reversed, I believe not much would changed, except for the titles of things and tax-codes.

But it only matters if it matters. No matter, nor madder or matter in my bladder. The line between boring and pure excitement is whether or not there is a rail for your safety.

2012年5月10日 Applications of the basics

“There are no advanced techniques, only advanced applications of the basics.”

It's a shame that even I forget that sometimes. I forget that evolution sometimes is just an advanced application on the present and basic form. I forget. Only to remember when it matters most or when it is too late to change anything.

Sometimes when something is late it doesn't really matter when it happens. We just assume it's late because new information was brought forth, when in reality the truth sometimes is never subject to the limitations of time. In fact truth itself can dictate time. So when we learn something and think it's too late, it's never too late.

I keep wondering about things, I keep smiling, but I also keep thinking. As I said to someone in an email recently,

I'm sure it gives you a lot of time to think about the concept of "home", "community", and "friendship". I certainly thought about these things often while I was in Japan for a year. Even though I was studying, I was your age [...] at the time. This meant that I had a different outlook on life since I didn't immediately go to college when I was 18 (I started when I was 19-20). Nor did I "fit" in the crowd of people who graduated HS, and immediately went to college without work/life experience and personal responsibilities.

My thoughts never end.

Nor do I want them to end.

(By Helen Lundeberg, in 1934)

My road has been one with lot's of vegetation, difficult terrain, depression, cold nights and mornings, long dark night's of my soul, escapism vs stay, and so on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but I certainly would feel a higher degree of camaraderie and jubilation knowing I'm with a companion on the trail. 

No trail worth blazing should be blazed alone, 

outside of the one to meeting ourselves.

Tonight is for our future pioneers.

2012年5月9日 "The only way..."

"The only way you'll really know if you can lift 500 lbs is if you're willing to fail."  - Arnold Schwarzenegger

He's right when he talks about the people who are afraid of failure will never grow, expounding on the issue further. Source here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvOUVil7W5s

I like Arnold, but for some reasons or another I look at as disappointing. Why? Because his advice is for an individual who is solely interested in being an individual. No surprise though, as I have never seen a self-help book that says, "How to help yourself and continue living an wonderful life with everyone else involved in your life." Self-help books are called self-help for a reason. If it goes beyond the self, it usually gets into the religious realm. The Torah is a good start.

No one has the right answer for another individual, outside of those who want to go "Even higher" (see Brainstorm). I suppose at this moment in time I reflect on life as if I were Faust himself. Kamelot's Abandoned is a great example of frustration and how one deals with it, or rather how one may be unable to cope with dealing with frustration.

Fun nonetheless. We want to do X, it has a price tag. How far are we willing to go?

Or as Arnold says indirectly "Are you willing to fail (several times even)?"

I suppose anyone who is my friend and/or if I am their friend, understands this concept beyond the intellectualization of it. Tonight we dine on our souls.

***

Today she told me three things she wanted to do in life.

2012年5月4日 Uncle Ted and wisdom

Ted Nugent in a recent interview said that "[I'm a] perfect human being. I stumble perfectly."

It made me think, as opposed to vomiting on my naked groin. 

Perfectly green or is it perfectly tan?

My dad says on occasion that, "If you want perfection, believe in Jesus." Perfection is fleeting, unless we're trying to be perfect with ourselves within our human limitations. That's probably the best advice I got out of these types of phrases. We're human, we build communities, we do good things, we do bad things. We make friends, enemies, and whatnot. But we're human, but perfection in our imagination negates our humanity. We don't get a chance to have a "perfect life" because we're born flawed already. It's wonderful we're born this way because otherwise we would miss out on an incredible amount of culture (and music).

So what is the way? Well, one way (which would consider itself "the way"), would be to have perfection with our own human characteristics and character. Knowing we make mistakes and correcting them, in my opinion is more asphalt on the road to human perfection. Because without ever having an opportunity to make a mistake, how can we truly achieve a sense of understanding? How can we genuinely be perfect if we ignore that we stumble, if we ignore our faculties? Or rather when we ignore our weaknesses versus only taking pride and perfection in our strengths? 

I must note briefly that the opposite side may exist. That without an opportunity to do something right, do we really know what "wrong" is? Or what a mistake is? We have to decide what is right or wrong. But moreover we need to be true to ourselves in the process. Because nothing is more questionable - in the sense that the following should be scrutinized carefully - than defining perfection by self-negation of one's own inner voice.

Deny yourself, and you are no longer an individual.

Backtracking a bit.

What about when the opportunity of learning is negated? When we lose an opportunity to understand ourselves, such as ignoring pain, weakness, things we don't like, we are wasting an opportunity to understand ourselves. I'm not saying invest your time into things you're bad at. 

In my case I could probably be good at math, at some point, but frankly speaking I should invest myself into things I'm naturally good at, enjoy doing, and can help others with. However! I shouldn't ignore that I'm bad at math, in fact the only way to know if I was bad at it was to give it a serious shot. Honestly, I'm not as bad at math as I thought originally, but it just doesn't stick as hard compared to languages. I know this because I don't use quadratic equations everyday. So yeah, I'd probably be great at math, if I used it everyday in order to perfect my natural human state, but there are other issues that are more pressing to me with myself and my own humanity.

No else else gets to be you. 

Nor should anyone else be you. 

And the same goes for you and another. You may want to consider avoiding the desire to be someone else. Because your opportunity to be you lies in you and with your experiences, from before, from today, and from tomorrow. Without those things, how can you be perfect with yourself? How can one genuinely wield his or herself without grabbing their soul, for all it's worth, with the good and the bad? Of course times change. 

As a non-Jewish, but religious text, says, 

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 

In my case, my understanding as a child is necessary, because I'm still learning. And also, I know that I want to be an educator one day so I need to have the skills and talents to be able to explain things in such a manner. Whether that manner of thought and dialog is childishly, manly, or tuck myself behind the thighs as a tranny, depends on the audience I am learning from or trying to educate. 

None of this shit applies when an asshole cuts me off on the freeway though.

More on Uncle Ted here: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57427792/ted-nugent-explodes-at-notion-hes-not-a-moderate/

2012年5月3日 Black women

Someone I know, I'll call 'em Murphy (like Robocop), told me once about a friend they have (I'll call them Cybil). According to Murphy, Cybil has limited, to almost ZERO, expectations when doing something with another person. That way Cybil and another almost never fail in the sense of failure that a regular person suffers from. Most things for Cybil are at or above expectations. The idea is that, according to Cybil, one shouldn't be cluttered up with expectations. 

However, unlike Cybil, most of us have a general idea of what we want to do or where we want to be, sometimes those things change of course, but I shit you not if Cybil was with someone who said, "Don't do X things." Cybil would probably throw the fish back. I wonder if Cybil has heard the quote of something like, "If you shoot for the moon, and miss, at least you'll be with the stars!"

Anyhow, Murphy told me about Cybil's mentality, and like most things in life I argued for the sake of arguing and a deeper understanding. Surprisingly, or not, I decided to try this advice out. Outside of time, a little bit of money, and probably risk of death, I'm meeting a black chick up for a date. 

She more or less seems to be at the same height and weight as my previous girlfriend, but probably a little less weight given the height. She's 5'9" (175.4 cm) at 125lbs or so. Whereas I'm at around or at 6'1.75" or 6'2" (I'll settle for 185).

The bonus so far is that she hasn't really bitched about anything other than this,

"So I'm wondering, how old are the pics you sent. Your not fat are you? I have nothing against heavy people, but I prefer really skinny guys."

If that's my hardest question from her, I'm doing pretty well. So far so good. At the same-time I also know I won't ever consider a serious intimate relationship with anyone who A) isn't a Jew B) let's their job dictate their life.

My only issue at this point is whether or not someone does drugs. Smoking or drinking I have no problem with. I could honestly careless about those things, as long as they smoke outside if they visit me. None of this shit about leaving patio door open to let the smoke out. No, you'll need to GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE. Oh, and if they drink shitty beer as if it's the highlight of their day, that's kind of a deal breaker.

But honestly is that really my only issue? No. It's not. The issue is whether or not she's an angry black woman behind closed doors, beating the fuck outta' whoever she's with, or if she's super manipulative.

2012年5月2日 "When are you going to cut your hair"

Hurry call "whine-one-one!"

I heard that this morning in my dream before I woke up.

It was what Jabberwocky - read the previous post - said to me when he first saw me in almost 3 years. Of course, 3 years ago, he said the same thing. Every time he looks bothered with how I look, or dress, or whatever. He always brings this up within the first 2 minutes of meeting, or before we do some basic shop-talk. 

I remember once he bitched about how "dorkish" I am for tucking in my shirt. Well, for one "Yes, it could be dorkish looking." But it's also my body, my clothes, and my money. I have a job, my own living quarters (which I pay for with my own money), and my own life. Sure I can choose to share my life with him as a friend, but if he's bothered with how I live, well then too fucking bad. Time to call the waaaaahmbulance. Hurry, dial whine-one-one! So they can remove my foot from asses before someone bleeds out!

I smiled again as my eyes adjusted to the new morning when I realized that I don't have to deal with bullshit like how I look around him. Who cares if I have long hair, a mustache, short hair, jeans and flannel, or khakis and a collar? Is not my own character of greater value? I'm sure some of you are wondering the same thing about whores. I know I am!

Just tryin' to be myself!

Just like you, I have a choice over my own body. It's my body. If I'm not comfortable with who I am with myself, then why the hell would I be comfortable (or even myself) around you?

I think it's important to be who we are with ourselves. When we aren't sure who we are, it's important to meditate or masturbate furiously. Whichever comes first. Haha, get it?

Anyhow, Miriam Woelke at Shearim.blogspot made an interesting post about being accepted in Haredi society from the point of view of an ex-flatmate and her own observations:

The only thing I noticed was that A. was facing severe difficulties of being accepted into haredi society. There were many reasons for it but she still tried as hard as she could. There were times when A. may have got the feeling that she was accepted. At least from time to time.

I, on the other hand, have never felt the desire squeezing myself into something. I neither need acceptance nor acknowledgement because I am simply too individualistic and especially introverted. Doing my thing and not waiting for other Haredim to say that I am so "holy". A Zaddika !

I am not and I don't want to hear all this slogans. I am not a Zaddika and not sooo terribly religious running after the perfect Hechsher, wearing only long sleeves or skirts. In my opinion, being religious consists of many different aspects in life besides the usual Halachot. How you react towards your environment, for instance. "Bejn Adam le'Chavero". Or that you honestly pray and not because the time for Mincha has arrived. That you take religious matters seriously, think and internalize them and not doing, doing, doing without using your brain.

Well that's basically it. Similar frustrations that I have. 

I believe we should think and internalize who we are. Focusing on what we are, instead of clearing our minds of "everything". Our minds are already cleared or saturated enough from all the noise of T.V., daily-life, escapism (through T.V., alcohol, drugs, white people, video-games, etc), and other things. So much so, that sometimes we barely have enough time, if we're that lucky, to find out who we are with ourselves! Of course, you'll definitely have more time to figure yourself out, if you're drinking in a Finnish sauna.

2012年4月17日 T4T: Waking up is hard

Two 4 Tuesday

Obviously I couldn't date her if that's how
she felt about conversation.
What if I want her to make me a sandwich or get beer?

Is it that waking up is hard, or does sleep really feel that good? If it's the latter case, why are we afraid of death? Since, no one really knows what it's like to be dead for more than a day and a half, we can only imagine that death and its unconsciousness is like sleeping. 

BUT! When it comes to being a cyborg, we do have people we can ask. Most of those people write books about the universe, black-holes (not hookers), and computers. More info here via Wikipedia. 

Unfortunately for the organ donor industry (in China or wherever)-- Yeah it's probably not a "donor," in the sense of volunteers, in China though. Anyway, I can't imagine a lot of people killing themselves so they can sleep forever. At least in the sense that we don't get to interview them about they did it.

It's kind of funny, since I actually like sleeping. Sleeping isn't really a painful process, but I suppose unlimited amounts of sleep will be my reward in life someday. The reward is going to be that when I die, I don't have to be bothered with having to get up for work or anything. It's kind of nice. 

If I'm buried in the ground or cement - I'm against zombies - I hope my friends and/or family include a butter-knife, McDonalds' toys, a Fleshlight and a blanket. This way we can confuse the fuck outta' archaeologists 1000 years from now. We'll probably need a hug too. And a lot of aspirin from stiff joints.

2012年4月15日 Omission

Today's article is going to be omitted. Because I'm not ready to talk about it, and I haven't even resolved somethings with myself.

I asked a family member if they were happy I still talk to them, even though they were a full-blown alcoholic. It's been over 5 years, and even though the past is in the past, my brother refuses to talk to this family member. I still talk to this family member, even though we still have problems sometimes, life is never without problems.

I think that's the reason I stuck around for that person, because I believe they could change and they did, but even with myself I was only able to change because I made my reasons and decided on my own. No one made me do anything, no one gave me a reason. I made and found my own reasons, and I temper and re-sharpen them as they wear with use. If I didn't give anyone else an equal chance, I'd be a hypocrite, which is something I've got to prevent myself from being.

2012年4月14日 Cruelty

"It's a trap. I'm a trap"

Fuck the grammar, the typos, the run-on and off sentences. Fuck it, fuck me, fuck it. Let's just get down to the brass tacks of the issue.

I can be an extremely cruel person, in fact, I'm quite good at it.

Don't confuse that with pride. 

I'm not proud by any means, even if I'm good at it.

I hate it, and it makes me want to die.

I was asked by a family member something semi-personal, I asked them "Why?" 

They said, "Because I just want to know." 

I responded by openly reflecting on their past behavior, "Well, I want to know why you abandoned my brother and I for a complete stranger and his kids." 

"You know what-- just get out. I'm done."

This is somewhat unintentional and on auto-mode. But if I said it was completely unintentional I would be lying, what I mean to say is that it's me not making a huge effort other than breathing. I can help it. I could help that. I'm not trying hard or making a strong effort with that kind of cruelty and that's example I wanted to point out of that specific situation.

***

As I said, I didn't even have to try. I wasn't trying (hard) to be cruel with that response. I just found a file in my brain, scanned for whatever was the most efficient at defusing the situation from myself and bringing it up into the hypothetical realm. I wasn't angry when I asked what I asked or defensive. After the data was found, I pulled out mental mirror. I pulled it out even though it would not make the situation better. When this mirror of open-reflection-on-emotions-or-memories-that-suck is pulled out, things do not generally go well for anyone. Most people know what pains them, I find it, and remind them. 

And most of those people are not equipped to openly assess their problems, unless they are in a private room with a therapist.

So what happens when I'm trying or when don't smile?

--Fuck it doesn't even matter if I'm smiling or not!! If I'm trying, it's just fucking worse!

The following, until the end, is an open assessment of that.

I end up being the one who breaks everything. Someone may break something in their life, with or without me, and when this happens sometimes I come out and make things extremely difficult. I do this by showing them all the skeletons in their closet. Many of which they are unable to come to terms with or even knew of in the first place. Shoving it all in their emotional face, all the pain that was supposed to be gone. I bring it all back. The details, the details are the pain. And I investigate it all.

In most cases, it's not because I'm being vengeful. I bring it back as reference, as if it's just an example to a math problem. So casually, so calmly, very cruel. But what happens when it's not calm or casual?

My skill is fucking disgusting, painful, and feels VERY bad when used in a non-casual way.

But like the men and women I love: love is like roses, so it goes without saying that love doesn't come without thorns. Love has a price-tag, but love is never negotiable. If I want love, I take a risk (and that's the price tag), but I can't negotiate love because I'm afraid of the risk. Because then it negates love. That's when I got cruel. I made a, the terrible mistake negotiating hope, love, and faith. And I got cruel when I didn't get what I wanted.

I wasn't violent: I was cruelty incarnate.

An injured sparrow landed  on my hand, I tried help it as it talked to me. When it got scared, and I started to scare it, the sparrow  bit me unconsciously. I started to crush it. It didn't know any better, or if it did, I tried to crush it anyhow. I have done this to a person! I have expressed cruelty to a person. I hurt them, even though they were hurting another and wanted to stop, but couldn't or wasn't ready. Even when they knew something was wrong, and needed help with their problem, I hurt them. I hurt them effectively, and efficiently. Instead of effectively helping them efficiently. I turned my back on the lighthouse I was in charge of, letting them crash on their own rocks, and guiding them into pain. It was a terrible thing. I'm a terrible thing! And it got me thinking again about something I thought I could file away even from myself...

At that moment I was a disgustingly cruel person. And I reflected all the cruelty I saw and felt onto a person only asking for help (albeit probably not in the best way), from all the angles that I could. I applied cruelty from all hypothetical positions, from the daughter to the mother. Again, I played all angles, all stops were gone, and went as far as I could. The problem is that there isn't a limit to cruelty. And it knew it.

What was that file I put away?
If all I do is cause pain, and abuse my power, why am I even here?
If everything I touch bleeds because of my own negligence, why should I even participate in life?

It was a type of punishment on that person. The last time, someone came to me with hesitation, we broke up 24 hours later. I had no idea she was going to leave me so suddenly. Without any warning, no big fight, nothing. Our last meeting as a couple, while short was so nice. She got me flowers, a smile, a hug, everything, but enthusiasm. 

"Will you spend the night?" 

"... No, I'm just tired from work..." 

"I love you, don't work so hard!" I said. 

24 hours later, she had broken up with me. When hesitation came back again into my life, from someone else, I struck hard and fast with cruelty. I wasn't just going to get hit like that again.

Someone makes a mistake, hesitates, causes pain intentionally or accidentally, and instead of coming out with a helping hand at some point I pull the mirror. I use it on everyone, all those who are weak, innocent, guilty, and strong. And I use it until submission. Until the pain causes them to shutdown, and when that happens I use it even more, because I see the submission as an escape. I don't quit until their own reflection bleeds them. Although sometimes I did, I would even stand in front the mirror and project my skeletons onto someone else. Sometimes there isn't a submission. Sometimes someone looks beyond the mirror, and sees only that I'm holding a mirror. Some people just look at see me, holding information. And they look beyond me, and they look at the future. Those people are untouchable against that kind of cruelty. Few can do it. I have brought great shame on myself for finding those people when I used a mirror that way. I have brought greater shame on me from those who couldn't.

***

The coffee reminded me that I have a wonderful skill, and I'm using it in the wrong way.

And I'm using it in the wrong way because I'm hating myself, because of fear.

I'm the man who shows you how to hurt yourself when you say you want to hurt yourself. 

I'm the man who wants to drink with you when you want to get drunk.

I'm the man who wants to smile with you when you want to feel better. 

I'm the man who hurts you when you hurt others, or you hurt yourself.

I'm the man who wants to love you, when you hate yourself.
I'm the man who wants to hate you, when you love yourself.

I'm the man who wants to love you, when you love yourself.

I'm the man who wants to hate you, when you hate yourself.

I'm the man who loves you, when you come for love.

I'm the man who shows you hate, when you come for love.

I'm the man who shows you love, when you come for hate.

I'm the man who shows you a shadow, when you come for the man.

I'm the shadow of a man, when I turn off the lights.

I'm the man who loves children, yet jokes about kicking them down stairs.
I'm the man in pain, but smiles anyway.
I'm the man who is angry, yet happy anyway.

I'm the man who holds the door open for you. And I'm the guy kicks you when you're down. 

I shake your hand, I show honest kindness. 

And I also show my cruelty honestly, and its morally wrong, repugnant, and realistically worse than ingesting pig-vomit with intensity. 

When fear takes over, evil flourishes

My dishonesty is when I express that the world is a good place, and we need hope and faith, and yet my moral nihilism tells me nothing matters. My dishonesty is that is that hold a high standard, and yet I wake up sometimes wondering if it matters at all. My dishonesty is my doubt, my fear, and from that fear comes my cruelty.

Every time a new question, a new answer, and a new situation I often find myself re-creating and re-learning to cope with the structures & chaos of and in the world. It's a nightmare sometimes to be my friend. It's a blessing sometimes to be my friend. I'm the worst or the best, in just a few moments, in just a few questions, in just a few answers. Everything is fragile and yet solid. It's all water, ice one moment, mist in another. Bringing clouds, quenching thirst, bringing waves to swim in, and rain to flee from.

It's a nightmare to know that when all a person really needs from me is a hug, a smile, or a glass of water, but all I do sometimes is wait with that mirror. Or those skeletons, and I'm waiting to show you them. Whether it's reminding someone of a song that depresses the fuck out of them, or bringing up something they said eons ago, I wait. I wait in my fear. And sometimes I wait in my love.

It's a terrible thing that I wield both peace and war in both hands, sometimes simultaneously.

It's cruel I can do it with a smile or tears in my eyes.

It's cruel I still exist when I do these cruel things.
It makes me wonder if should die from a Jihad-ist beheading involving sporks and serrated butter knives.

I am not the tax collector of your sins, but sometimes I wear that suit.

When I get home and look into my own mirrors, I remind myself that I also have my own taxes to collect. I hate myself for lying to myself. When the persons in my life I should have been angry at, I let go in peace. Sure, I should have let them go in peace, but I shouldn't have lied to myself about the situation thinking that I shouldn't have been angry. I should have been honest with myself, instead of going for the mirror. 

I shouldn't have been cruel to another or myself, when someone was there to help me. To help me off the ground. Instead I kicked myself. Then one day, I stopped kicking and I got up. Later I offered the same, I offered to help someone up, and when they kicked their body instead of getting up, I kicked them also. God will make me pay for this, and I hope one day, I can learn from this or die trying.

w/o love for anything
or anyone.

So sometimes I wonder if I should pay the ultimate price just to catch up on the interest of my own transgressions. If I paid, would I really be paying the price or is it that cruelty would really win?

What about love? 

Do I even remember love or is it all just fear now? 

Certainly there is hope. Certainly. 

Because I can see it, even though it's just beyond my reach. 

I have to pick one or the other, or I will never have peace and love. 

I will never have complete war and anger. 

I will have only an opportunity for nothing and everything at the same time, but never actually having nothing or everything. It'll just be me at the intersection with the choice.

When will I wake up, instead of punishing others for not waking up?

I can't afford to wait. I can't afford to wait, if I want hope and faith.
I can't afford to wait if I want a life of hope and faith.
I can't afford to be cruel anymore, because the price-tag is too much.

I can't afford to solve my fear alone.

Every available resource at my disposal must be available for them, including my life, or there never will be a recovery from this. Of course, I did offer every available resource before, and when I asked for honesty, it was denied. I applied honesty again, albeit aggressively in a cruel manner. When my (cruel and direct) honesty was not met with honesty other than with anger and hatred, I wondered if this person really wanted help.

Even now I wonder, why weren't my questions answered? Why can't this person express trust?
A mistake is a mistake if the perception of truth was wrong. I.e. "Two times two is five!" The truth is wrong, because the person did not know the truth. But when the person knows the truth saying, "Two times two is five!" Yet the person saying that knows it is not five, certainly we can't say that's a mistake. It's a lie.

I may have been cruel, but a lie is also cruel. Cruelty itself is just cruelty, it can be honest or it can be through deception. Continuing lying and knowing it, is cruel. Dishonesty is cruel as well. Truth can be cruel to those who do not believe in it. :) As someone once said to me, "What's actually changed other than you're the bad guy? As far as I'm concerned you didn't lie about anything and you were honest from the beginning (regardless of being cruel)."

Questions never end. Nor should they.
Not asking or answering questions, raises more and more questions