2012年5月18日 Greed

Not really a good thing.

There were times in my life where I have been greedy. So much so that I actually thought I should be exempt from whatever I'm doing to other people. Most of the time (95%+) I'm not like that. If I see a guy making fun of someone, I make fun of him. Even if I know I will be made fun of back. That same fairness that use almost all the time doesn't matter if I break it, even once.

Basically what greed comes to is this, 

"What does it really mean?" 

"Where does it really come from?" 

"Where will it take me?" 

Of course not just limited to those questions, but one should always ask questions about their greed. Questions always need to be asked. While I'm not happy per-se, I am above total misery since even though I was greedy during parts of my life, I still was able to ask tough questions. Sometimes those tough questions you ask yourself while you're greedy will make you miserable and make you doubt whatever you are doing, and it should. Unless what you're doing already IS greedy and you're trying to escape the greed. If one tries to escape greed with less greed, it does nothing. 

Just as one digs a hole, it must be filled back up. Digging a smaller hole to fill in with dirt from the big hole, changes nothing. It's kind a credit card to pay off another credit card. Without filling these holes back up, one's emotional landscape and life will only amount to huge mounds of dirt and filth. - Certainly I've felt that way before. - Emotionally this feeling is beyond the limitations of a six-letter word like "misery." Good movie though.

At some point greed may leave, but the feelings that soon come in might never go away. The pain, the shame, the guilt, and anguish that comes with greed, they'll stay for a long time until the dirt is put back in the hole and the grass is green again. Whether or not things can be okay between the greedy and another really depends on the parties involved. Sometimes nothing changes. If that's the case, then it's best to part ways. 

A guy

One I wrote about, here (Jabberwocky)

I had that happen with a guy I knew for about 22-23 years. He'd more or less be super flaky with me, and every time I felt hurt by his greed. He only wanted to hang out when it was convenient, or basically when no one else was available. When he was bored of hanging out with me, even while I was still around he'd call other people and schedule things to do with them. In front of me! Sometimes he'd disappear for a minutes to several hours while chatting online with others while I'm visiting with him or something else. 

Well, years went by and he joined the military and left. Recently he came into town and wanted to meet up. I arrived at the pub we were supposed to go drinking at 5 minutes earlier than the time he said. He wasn't there. I waited an hour. By then I was pretty much pissed off and how he could blow off leaving me in the lurch. I had one full-bodied 8.5+ ABV or 12+ beer, which wonderfully he paid for. I was still pretty irratated since he was trying to have me visit with him, yet he kept things extremely shallow and only wanted to drink a beer then leave. I felt like I was just a touristy spot on a map. One of those places that not even the locals bother to visit since it's just a place. But I'm not a goddamn place, I'm his fucking-friend! Or so I thought.

The effects of the alcohol started to settle. My filter was coming off, no surprise he had mentioned 20 minutes earlier I had no filter with humor. Wait till you see the things I say when I'm not being funny... I called him out on somethings and treated him like shit, like he had done with me. Not only to his face, but also in front of his woman friend - I don't even think they have anything more meaningful than that, - and one of his social buddies. 

I made no excuses for myself in the process of doing what I did. He did it and I did it. We were cutting ties. It was interesting since I had watched him after years of telling me I'm "a good friend" and how much he "cares about [me]." Yet quickly he started saying callous things about how I'll "die a lonely miserable man." Thankfully only I get to decide that, or God, whichever comes first. I stopped letting him be greedy with me, and using me. And I stopped feeling miserable. Still, I was being greedy with myself within the way I got out of that situation. I could have taken him aside, I could have done the right thing. By then I was either working my way through the beer or too disappointed and frustrated to care. 

All I know now is that I was probably greedy in trying to "get back" at him (verbally unloading), for something that he seemingly took for granted anyhow. I should have taken him aside when he came in and told him how I felt about the situation, and laid down the law. But I didn't. Hindsight is certainly worth it's weight in gold, porno, and lotion.

Yep.

It's important to do the opposite of greed once one realizes the danger of greed. A desire to become penitent is certainly the first step. In my case, instead of being greedy, I should make an effort exact myself through benevolence and generosity. 

Alternatively I could do nothing, but then I would feel like the emotional forest I have towards my heart and soul would become listless and lifeless as dead trees litter the landscape. Walking on a path like that would be like walking through an endless cemetery. Large monoliths devoid of life. Only carrying the memory and images of things long gone and never passed on. Dead. Dead trees are like that. Greed is like that. Taking, taking, and taking. Eventually, there is no place to rest.