2014年08月28日 Jealous enough to liquor

Probably one of the more terrifying things a man can experience is jealously. 

This jealously is never healthy for people who are fanatics like myself. My tendencies evolve jealously into problematic and destructive things. For some jealousy is healthy for a relationship, but for me it isn't.

Case number 03189:

I walk into a bar with a friend - he's gay, so what? - and I run into a woman that I have been attracted to over the last year or longer. She's a warm person, if that warmth happened to be in a sauna located in the arctic circle. A complicated woman with many layers. We met online, talked on the phone and went on a few dates, but I don't think she likes younger men (I'm 28 and she's 37). Nothing happened, but we've kept in contact sporadically.

Anyhow, she spots me and waves me over to hug her, which is something I've never done before with her.

"Nice to see you again, but I'm here to get drunk. You look a little busy, so nice seeing you!" 

I said. And that was that. 

There were Wild Turkey shots waiting for me in the lounge area, and not the bar/restaurant area where she was sitting in a red-dress. No I wasn't going to lollygag around waiting to get booze and losing my buzz in the process, even briefly. 

No. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Invited Transgender Species* I was there to drink and hang out. So for me, mission accomplished. Okay, and maybe get laid at some point too, but that's a different story.

So a week passes by and I catch the red-dress woman online, where she brought up my friend. She said that when she hugged me, my guy friend looked jealous as hell.

And her message was expounded with,

"I could feel it, he was not very happy about my existence there." 

I agreed, but at that time when she saw him in the bar I was preoccupied with getting drunk (though I didn't). I was even startled to see her there, since I had strong feelings for her, yet I knew of an answer that could quickly change these feelings.

The Wild Turkey drenched jealously away, at least for me though I didn't seem to have any. If anything seeing her smile at me was like a reminder of wearing a Scarlet Letter, except mine would have been an "S" for spurned. 

You can smell Wild Turkey once the smokey flavors get within a few inches of your nose. Soon after pressing the shot glass to your lips, you begin to start closing your eyes. The glass bottom tipped up towards the ceiling, and then dropping the solution down into your mouth. Like most medicine it tastes like shit, at first; but when the taste-buds adjust, the feeling is different. A few times in my life I had adjusted my feelings to the taste, and while that was a long time ago I at least wrote significantly more.

Not a quitter

Like the jealously of my gay-friend, the feeling did adjust, once he finished his shot sipping it slowly.

I paid, feeling cocky I left 30 percent tip. We left through the lounge entrance and walked around downtown towards the water. Once there we found more places to drink. He invited me to a gay bar. I don't care: they usually have cheaper drinks.

There I drowned out my feelings, be them jealous or not.

I was jealous enough to liquor out of my life, until I woke up the next day.

*To quote Lieutenant Commander Data

2012年6月24日 "This is my first day"

"Ooooh. He's a virgin!" She said looking over at another employee.
"All I've been told is that it's a 'fun' shift to work on."
She smile at me, and I went back to my assigned tasks.

***

I'm taking a longer break from writing. In the mean time, you can read:
efukt.com <- Not safe for work (NSFW)
treehugger.com
prisonplanet.com
drudgereport.com
or
thesmokinggun.com

2012年6月2日 The Amidah

Standing and praying is something I enjoy.

At least until my knee is fucking burning from arthritic pain to the point where I can't concentrate.

I hate it when I can't concentrate because of the pain.

There have been times in my life where pain has literally made whatever I've done uncomfortable to the point where I can't concentrate or perform a task. Whether it's concentration, listening, talking with someone, sex, motorcycling, etc. pain somehow makes doing those things so difficult I almost can't hear anything.

It's miserable.

2012年6月1日 "I like to pay my own debts"

When I can pay of course, or must pay.

She drilled me quickly asking a lot of questions and comments.

"You dress like someone from the 70's."

"It's because of the belt buckle and hair" I said calmly.

"Yes it is."

"Are you violent?"

"No."

"You have a knife on your belt." She pointed at my multi-tool.
"That's a multi-tool, but I also have a knife." I pointed at my side.

"You're allowed to have that? Or you just don't care?"
"I care, and the law is on my side." I went into depth about Oregon knife laws.

"Do you like violence?" She asked.

She asked more questions.

"You're socially awkward aren't you?"

"Yep." I said without hesitation.

The conversation got into religion.

"I'm a Christian."
"I'm a Jew." I smirked.

"You better get ready to repent and accept Jesus. You'll find out."

"Except I like doing business with the father, I'm not ready (nor willing) to do business with the son." I said smiling.

"I like to pay my own debts." I said smirking at her.

She seemed uncomfortable that I would be "willing to go to hell". This kind of shit has happened before with me, but I assured her, "If you're right, I get a second chance anyway."

"But then you know about the tribulation?"

"I don't believe in it."

"But when it happens, why would you want to live through that?"

I said again to her, "I like to pay my own debts, and why not? If your tribulation is real, then why shouldn't I earn my place? I don't believe in a free ride."

2012年5月31日 Who are you talking to?

Walking home a guy talking to himself was walking towards me. He wore only a white tank-top and shorts. I couldn't even see his face, the street was poorly lit. He looked kind of intimidating. Then I heard, "How's it going?" 

He kept approaching, and I said assertively moving away from him, "Good".

Walking away from me, he said loudly,

"What did I see?

Could I believe?

That what I saw that night was real and not just fantasy!"

WTF is wrong with this guy. I was thinking. What the fuck was that guy talking about? I didn't see any headphones or anything. Could he believe? Who gives a.... COUUUUULD I BELIEEEEEVE! YEAAAAAHHH! 

Then I got goose bumps and realizing what that guy was saying, which was totally awesome. 

I almost turned around and yelled, 

"SIX-SSSIX-SIX THE NUMBER OF THE BEASSSST!!" 

But I didn't, instead I just gimped home.

Which was probably the worse thing I did today, other thank telling someone that aborted fetuses should be used in place of turkeys for homeless people during thanksgiving. 

If you didn't know, a lot of food shelters have massive amounts of donated food to put on a Thanksgiving feast. I guess the problem with aborted fetuses is how one would make stuffing.

And with that said, who the fuck thought of shoving bread crumbs up the asshole of a decapitated bird and calling it food? 

Someone who has a decent palette for food, that's who.

2012年5月30日 Over-booked

I hate being super busy

There are SO many things happening this Friday that I was over-booked. A religious obligation, ongoing meeting I've been having weekly, and a theater production. The latter two needed to be rescheduled, which sucks, because rescheduling in this case basically means "I can't go." Yes it sucks, but at least I worded it that way (I can't go*), instead of "Oh... Well, let's see what happens."

*Religious events and rituals take priority.

The worst part of all of these meetings, is that I have a feeling the the religious one (kabbalat shabbat) very well may just end up be a dinner of mingling with people who are mingle-ish, and whom I've probably never met at shul. And I was invited to this event through shul.

I fucking hate mingling. Mingling and talking about things of zero or limited substance feels similar to talking with people as if it were a "Facebook" status update. Talking to people as if it were a status update? No fucking thanks.

Alternatively I could just avoid the whole issue by having zero expectations.

But if that were the case I wouldn't have even gone, would I? I don't know.

I guess I need to buy a planner... And challah.

2012年5月20日 Cougar cookies

I was hanging out with Fozzjnen today and noticed something I hadn't seen before,

Yes, I know it's just a gourmet cookie, but still... It says, "cougar" for crying out loud. It might as well say, "MILF MOUNTAIN" at least then I wouldn't feel like a jackass if I bought it.

Anyone else see questionably named products?

2012年5月19日 וְאִם לֹא תִשְׁמְעוּ לִי

And if you don't [fucking] listen to Me [I'ma gunna bring the pain]!

This week's parshah was fun, albeit partially depressing at times. Actually, it was pretty fucking gloomy. No joke about that at all. But the best part was learning something interesting and new, such as grammar. And of course the part where God is laying out the Law. Seemingly much like a parent. Single, but still a parent.

After shul, I realized that I need and want more. I need more in terms of Judaism, and living a Jewish life. Of course, I also feel like I have to play catch-up, and I'm working hard on it. I just want to catch up to the point where I feel like not learning is the worst feeling I could have, outside of kidney stones, getting kicked in the balls, being jilted, loss of friends (people I love), or getting beat down by the police.

Solution? Ask for some kind of mentor.

I have too many questions, and I don't seem to get clear answers.
Including the location of the bathroom.

2012年5月16日 Busy

Sometimes I wonder if we're so busy that we don't ever really get a chance to carve out a time to have a deeper understanding of ourselves. Yes, there are times where I feel like I'm "wasting" my time. But whenever I share time with another, watching a favorite T.V. program, or movie, lounging in the sun I don't. This really only applies when I'm with another. 

I suppose because life is short, and we're often so busy with sleep our own lives and goals with work, we really never get to know other people in higher ways. In fact, if we sleep and work for about 16 hours a day, commute for about an hour and a half, shower and eat another hour or so. We really about 5-6 hours of time to know another person. Add personal time like going to the gym, miscellaneous hobbies and so own, and time becomes even less. Hell, our bosses and co-workers have more opportunities to know us than our friends.

There is a way to remedy this, which is to find similar minded people and talk, talk, talk, sharing yourself with them as they do the same. And never wanting to stop talking helps too. When Krimull and I lived together, we'd I'd talk talk talk yak endlessly until one of us fell asleep. Usually it was him first.

2012年5月13日 Around the corner

I was talking to a guy after morning prayers at shul. We had a bagel, and he offered me a pint of beer after our bagels were done. Now mind you, it's 10am in the morning and I'm offered beer. You have no idea how nice it is to relax in the morning 80 degree sun, with free beer and great company. At anytime in the morning on a day off it is wonderful to have a drink. It was even better that he was open to discussing a lot of things with me.

But the real issue of excitement and concern was when I asked him if he was a college student. He said he was a college drop out. He said, 

"You don't really know where life will take you." 

Seventeen years in the middle east, then ten years in Europe. Now he finds himself in Oregon, married, and enjoying where life is taking him. Of course America may or may not be the final destination, as at some-point he mentioned how he might want to immigrate to Israel.

I find myself a month away from graduation wondering what I may do. Just around the corner I could find work and/or try to work towards my goals withing the education realm. I'd much rather continue my opportunities to continue education, and I know it will be a struggle. Making money would certainly change things. It's very hard to go back to school after making money, because for one, I wouldn't really make money while going to graduate school and two I'd spending money to go to school.

Around the corner or not, I'm looking forward to graduating. I've got one ticket left for the ceremony, and I'm debating if it should go to my brother. My Grandmother, father, mother, Fozzjnen, and... Yet I haven't decided yet who will get the last. I'll figure something out. I'm not concerned, even though there is a degree of uncertainty. I'm doing exactly what I wanted from the get go, and I knew that my goals could take me here or there.

2012年5月10日 Applications of the basics

“There are no advanced techniques, only advanced applications of the basics.”

It's a shame that even I forget that sometimes. I forget that evolution sometimes is just an advanced application on the present and basic form. I forget. Only to remember when it matters most or when it is too late to change anything.

Sometimes when something is late it doesn't really matter when it happens. We just assume it's late because new information was brought forth, when in reality the truth sometimes is never subject to the limitations of time. In fact truth itself can dictate time. So when we learn something and think it's too late, it's never too late.

I keep wondering about things, I keep smiling, but I also keep thinking. As I said to someone in an email recently,

I'm sure it gives you a lot of time to think about the concept of "home", "community", and "friendship". I certainly thought about these things often while I was in Japan for a year. Even though I was studying, I was your age [...] at the time. This meant that I had a different outlook on life since I didn't immediately go to college when I was 18 (I started when I was 19-20). Nor did I "fit" in the crowd of people who graduated HS, and immediately went to college without work/life experience and personal responsibilities.

My thoughts never end.

Nor do I want them to end.

(By Helen Lundeberg, in 1934)

My road has been one with lot's of vegetation, difficult terrain, depression, cold nights and mornings, long dark night's of my soul, escapism vs stay, and so on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but I certainly would feel a higher degree of camaraderie and jubilation knowing I'm with a companion on the trail. 

No trail worth blazing should be blazed alone, 

outside of the one to meeting ourselves.

Tonight is for our future pioneers.

2012年5月7日 I still DGAF

This morning I was browsing around the internet after looking at an old post I made. Browsing the internet after looking at older stuff on the internet is kind of like going to a mall. Somehow you saw something you didn't intend to see (such as a new website), but you're going to look at it and stare anyhow. Well, the thing I discovered was In Over Your Head's, Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

Here: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

I am happy I found that, especially after rereading something I posted awhile ago. Even though I think it's incomplete for not referring to Fight Club.

But just bullshitting about finding stuff on the internet isn't why I'm posting.

I personally don't give a fuck about people who are not my friend and have no power over me than what I gave to them in the first place. 

Go ahead, suck life from yourself.
You still wouldn't give a fuck.

One of my favorite sayings to my friends or associates regarding people they don't like is that, "They don't live with you, so who gives a fuck?" Honestly one should always be concerned with who one lives with. Why? Because why should you live with someone who sucks life from you? Or why should anyone live with you if you suck the life from them? Why should you live with yourself, in your current capacity, if you suck life from yourself?

These problems err... questions, pop up from my life and its uncertainty, and sometimes certainty. I would honestly say one of the biggest fears most, if not all people have, is uncertainty. Uncertainty scares the fuck outta us, when really most of us should or may want to consider learning not to give a fuck. 

Uncertainty also tells us to stay miserable instead of going out into the wilderness. I think that's also the reason I'm skeptical of women's intentions after I express that life is full of uncertainty. Usually this frightens them! But why?

Why does uncertainty frighten a person in a deep relationship? I suppose it's because some of us have a fear of the unknown, but to actually know something you have to advance into the unknown. A great example of this would be to conduct a voyage or getting being lost in the wilderness. Without actually being in the unknown you are unable to expand upon what is known. 

Of course in today's society we trick ourselves into believing we can learn the unknown from the safety of our desks or in classrooms. But let's not bullshit ourselves, as there is no substitute for experience. That's for sure.

I don't give a fuck about people who honestly are more concerned about whether or not I'm judging them. As soon as they realize I don't give a fuck, that's when I know I'm being judged harshly. So I end up giving less of a fuck. 

Even more so, I deal with people who honestly don't even want to invest time into anything other than themselves, so frankly speaking, concepts like "up front respect" is only more bullshit to me. My dad, when available, raised me to: 

1) Not give a fuck, unless you decide to, and 

2) Never respect anyone who doesn't earn it. (I underline anyone, because no fucking way I'm going to respect stuff above a person).

Anyone who demands respect from me, neither knows me nor cares about how I feel. Of course the same might be said of me. Once I told someone that I need to not only love them for a healthy relationship, I also need and want to have respect for them. I honestly have no healthy relationships when respect is "expected" of me. Expecting fairness I can understand, but EXPECTING respect is different. Of course, being a guest in one's house, etc., has its own "rules", but if you don't give fuck about those, why bother reading to the end of this paragraph?

Other times like when I meet uncertain people or people who say, "I want to do X, but I can't" I often dismiss their desires or fears immediately, because they've already decided to give up. So it's hard to actually give a fuck, which I almost don't. 

Most of them giving up without actually doing any investigation, or because they avoid fear potentially associated with uncertainty. These people do not like gambling, (recreational games), or competition unless they know they will win. At that point why even bother? The game or exercise itself loses value if the "win" is more important.

The best part about this, is while I'm just scratching the surface, I am so happy to know that I don't need to, have to, or really give a give a fuck about most challenges like that in my life. Uncertainty is a self-feeding demon, kind of like when I get excited off my own excitement. Perpetual. The downside is that uncertainty for the fearful is often a black-hole. Gaping open after two dudes simultaneously pull out thei... You should understand what I'm trying to say at this point.

No one like that lives with me, and my life has a wonderful degree of serenity, because not giving a fuck about uncertainty is the best choice I could make in my life. Uncertainty is another price tag for being alive.

My shift ends so now I have to go outside.

I am Jack's uncertainty

***

Outside was great, since I met up with a girl from shul to bullshit and assess the quality of life. She is close to my age, a year younger. I can tell while we get along we wouldn't get along in the dating sense. I'm sure she likes having someone else to talk with who isn't in their late 35's or old enough to be a father/mother, grandpa/grandma at shul or outside of it. 

I think we're it in terms of people who willingly go to shul around the 18 to 24 and 25 to 30 range. It's kind of sad I guess since more and more people are dying and less and less people even bother with being "Jewish". Eventually kids will celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas and assume God is like Santa. I guess today's American-Jews are giving less of a fuck. Honestly speaking, I still don't give a fuck what they think, I'm not going to make them do anything they don't want to, as they'll end up fucking it up anyway.

On a side note, they might end up fucking themselves up avoiding uncertainty, just like an alcoholic fears  facing the uncertainty of life without booze. Or a man afraid and uncertain of being alone with pain, yet stays in an abusive relationship.

Not giving a fuck is a way to deal with this, or letting go of everything that prevents us from being happy with ourselves without escaping. Sometimes not giving a fuck is a form of escape, or affirmation of taking a stand for oneself? Moral survival? Confronting the escape? Who knows?

No one said not giving a fuck would be easy.

2012年5月5日 Well, that's a wrap

Today concluded nicely. I still forget how fast time can fly. Of course considering the massive bat-mitzvah and its free booze might explain why. How the hell could I yield? Well, a simple, "No." would have worked, but even the rabbi got in on it. Sitting across from me, "I think I drank too much. My head feels kind of funny." he said, as I watched holding my 3rd glass of wine. I think I finished a whole bottle (about 18-20oz-ish 500-600ml) of the red that the caterer brought in. The salmon was good too.

I felt like singing an'a dancin'!

2012年5月3日 Black women

Someone I know, I'll call 'em Murphy (like Robocop), told me once about a friend they have (I'll call them Cybil). According to Murphy, Cybil has limited, to almost ZERO, expectations when doing something with another person. That way Cybil and another almost never fail in the sense of failure that a regular person suffers from. Most things for Cybil are at or above expectations. The idea is that, according to Cybil, one shouldn't be cluttered up with expectations. 

However, unlike Cybil, most of us have a general idea of what we want to do or where we want to be, sometimes those things change of course, but I shit you not if Cybil was with someone who said, "Don't do X things." Cybil would probably throw the fish back. I wonder if Cybil has heard the quote of something like, "If you shoot for the moon, and miss, at least you'll be with the stars!"

Anyhow, Murphy told me about Cybil's mentality, and like most things in life I argued for the sake of arguing and a deeper understanding. Surprisingly, or not, I decided to try this advice out. Outside of time, a little bit of money, and probably risk of death, I'm meeting a black chick up for a date. 

She more or less seems to be at the same height and weight as my previous girlfriend, but probably a little less weight given the height. She's 5'9" (175.4 cm) at 125lbs or so. Whereas I'm at around or at 6'1.75" or 6'2" (I'll settle for 185).

The bonus so far is that she hasn't really bitched about anything other than this,

"So I'm wondering, how old are the pics you sent. Your not fat are you? I have nothing against heavy people, but I prefer really skinny guys."

If that's my hardest question from her, I'm doing pretty well. So far so good. At the same-time I also know I won't ever consider a serious intimate relationship with anyone who A) isn't a Jew B) let's their job dictate their life.

My only issue at this point is whether or not someone does drugs. Smoking or drinking I have no problem with. I could honestly careless about those things, as long as they smoke outside if they visit me. None of this shit about leaving patio door open to let the smoke out. No, you'll need to GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE. Oh, and if they drink shitty beer as if it's the highlight of their day, that's kind of a deal breaker.

But honestly is that really my only issue? No. It's not. The issue is whether or not she's an angry black woman behind closed doors, beating the fuck outta' whoever she's with, or if she's super manipulative.

2012年5月1日 Teeth of a tiger or the loose-cannon

May-day! May-day! We're gonna crash aahhhhh----!!!

Jabberwocky's girl-friend seemed alright. She also seemed to be on-board with how I felt about his flakiness and tendency to hide large parts of his life in black and grey. It is confusing to really know who he is when he hides large parts of himself. 

At some point during the GF's explanation of how they met, she flat out said to Jabberwocky, that "He (me) already knows how it went down. He has it figured out." or something close to that. Why? I'm clever. And I asked ninja-questions which caught her off super-guard. Of course, it didn't help I called her "lady" nonstop. As "Bitch" and "Cunt" are generally reserved for evil people! Or little girls on Efukt!!

I brought the "black and grey" issue up in front of Jabberwocky, his girl-friend, and his casual friend. Probably a bad idea, but frankly speaking I like full-disclosure. And if anyone openly introduces me as a person with "No filter" then they should really take their own words to heart. I often wondered if he was saying that out-loud for his own sake, rather than hers. Since, towards the end as far as I could tell, he seemed to be the only one who was getting angry and frustrated with me. As for myself, I can only say I was getting disappointed when he walked away after saying bitter things about my character (no, not my character on WoW). 

On a brief note, I thought those cold things he said about me were funny, in retrospect, because he contributed to that coldness at some point or another, and yet now he solely blames me. Meh! Win-some lose-some. As I said, retrospect is entertaining.

Anyway, as for the "casual friend", I say casual friend because this person is more like an activity partner for this "friend" (Jabberwocky) of mine. 

Jabberwocky is good name. I digress. 

CF would often say to Jabberwocky, or vice-versa, "Let's do this! Or that!" But I never felt Jabberwocky or CF to be one to engage either in intellectual discourse, especially regarding their own character or moral standing. But then again who am I to complain? Wait, wtf, this is my blog! I can complain aaaaaalllll I want!

Anyhow, it was refreshing for me to be sharp, direct, honest, and to the point (like a knife, or sword) with my words. It wasn't that I was cutting people down. It was that whatever bullshit posterity-let's-all-be-nice-happy-together mentality was brought to the table, I felt, and actually believe, wasn't necessary for "friends." We're all friends, right? Why should I have to pull punches? If I'm asked a question, I give an answer. I don't bitch about how, "I don't want to fight" or "You're an asshole." etc. No, I kick, I scream, I get excited. Surprisingly, or not, I actually said I don't pull punches, I don't like kid gloves, I get excited, and I like hard questions. Sharp questions. So technically I wasn't lying!

Tough questions... Questions you don't even want to ask yourself, so much so, that you even forget those issues existed. Do you remember when you 8 years old? Do you remember when you parents disappointed you? The first time you were disappointed in your dad? Or when your mom failed you? These are things without hesitation I will ask. I'm not making fun of you. I'm not digging up skeletons. I don't see any difference between yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Mainly because I don't think time is as linear as people seem to think it is.

1-on-1 at least
5 years ago.

Anyhow, he angrily left when I argued that he wasn't giving me as straight "yes" or "no" on an issue. When he backtracked to me, I told him that I would give him a detailed schedule of when I am free, since he asked "When are you free?" He said, "just tell me when you are free." Well, I am free from certain times to certain times, but depending on what we do, that time can change. That's what I was trying to get to, and his inability to be patient enough for me to get that point was lacking. For example, if we drink, I need X amount of time. If we hang out doing activity Y, I need Y amount of time.

Of course most of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that I unconsciously knew he's impatient, and that he would treat our time facilely, by caking it with a lot strangers around. I don't mean Jabberwocky's GF is a stranger, I mean that Jabberwocky doesn't really, or as far as I'm aware of, want to spend quality time alone with me on a 1-on-1 basis. Of course, I knew this ahead of time, especially when I got texts about him including other people for our day to hang out.

I could have tried harder, like the native Americans, but frankly speaking I was honest from the get-go, sharp, rude, and direct, but honest. He was more or less the same, indirect, not so deep openly (or even privately with me), casual, and light.

When I started talking, I could see his eyes cringe a little bit. Of course, why should I yield when I can see my tongue's blade go snicker-snack on his insecurities to my comments about life and my observations? He clearly had announced my introduction as, "He has no filter." Why should I yield with friends, that shit for strangers or little girls! 

There is no filter! No need! Unless it's K&N, which is something I actually joked about. I don't think anyone got it though. Fuck! :(

I hate being right, especially when someone feels like they're in the teeth of a tiger. Or rather, in front of or behind a loose cannon on a deck. 

It's a blessing and a curse!

Fuck!!!

2012年4月26日 Suicidin'

Three days ago I saved a quote that I thought I was going to use for a blog post title,

"Everyone loves you, when you're about to die"

I guess I felt "Suicidin'" to be a better title.

 

Last night I found out my sister was in the ICU of a local hospital, because she tried to commit suicide by OD on medicine. It's kind of annoying and alien. I don't mean annoying because my sister in the hospital. No. It's alien she's in the hospital and I don't really feel anything. It's annoying to me that I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with my own self-misery and unhappiness? Who knows? At present I'm not trying to figure that out, nor do I need to. 

But one thing is for certain and that is I'm not doing well, and I would be lying if I hadn't thought about these issues at least once over the past couple of months jokingly or otherwise.

What's frustrating is that I don't always have the appropriate medium to talk about these issues. I don't have anyone right now to talk about how I feel about my sister trying to kill herself. I don't always, or don't, have access to the friends and people I'd like to talk to when shit like this happens. Shit like this happens, and I'm just dealing with it until the weekend when I can unload it all. If I can. Why should I have to wait until the weekend? Well, I'm single and all of my friends have jobs, families, and/or are in other states. 

I actually don't think companionship would really change anything, because I'd probably have some whiny bitch telling me to to stop worrying about it, or to just stop talking about it. Neither of which is realistically going to happen when I'm concerned or excited about something. 

I'm a talker, and to talk about, at, and through things is important to me, unless I white-out or faint because I'm being stabs by needles. Surely most of my friends know that, and most of them would think of it as odd or extremely depressing if I were to mope around in silence.

She's alien to me. That's the worse part about this situation. She has a family, a husband, and two kids. Even then, she tried to kill herself. She's so alien to me, that the only way I can relate is to deviate from her as the subject and relegate her position to that as a point of reference, while I talk about what I'm interested in or my experiences, etc.  

I don't really know her that well, and maybe that's the problem. Actually, I don't think it's a problem, because at this point I don't know her and to know her is like getting to know a stranger that I'm sure I won't always get along with (and I don't mean general disagreements). I've tried. It's like talking with distant cousins for the first time in years. "Uh... I don't really know who you are anymore..."

I guess if I were to say there is a lesson, the lesson is that a family, a home, and children might not be enough. Certainly for my sister it's not enough, even though everyone else might say, "Family matters a lot!" Compared to what? Compared to wanting to die? Compared to freedom from pain? Family members are just people that, no bullshit, could or will end up hating you or leaving you. I've seen countless families where fathers abandon their sons and daughters. Daughters and sons hate their miserable mothers. Even if those things don't happen the sons or daughters end up hating or cursing their parents anyhow. Loved too much, or too little. Too high of expectations, too little? Too much value on career, and not enough on character? These things happen regardless of whether or not I see them or write about it.

So why are we here anyway?
You might not want to ask me right now.

2012年4月25日 "I feel dizzy-- I'm whiting out..."

Stop being such a pussy!

The nurse looked at me and said, "Do you want to look away?"

"No. No, I have to watch while you do it." I said shaking my head.

"Most people look away." 

"I imagine things are worse if I look away." I said to her.

So she gave me the flu shot, without any problems. Then after that, the following test was to take my blood. I said if I don't watch, like I did with the flu shot, I might faint.

"Don't worry I'll keep you up to date on how I feel." I assured her.

The needled went in, and for a minute solid on my left arm they looked for a vain. I continued breathing just hoping to get it over with, staring at them and the needle as it wiggled around my vain. I didn't really mind at first.

Things changed when they switched arms to get my blood. That's when I started to feel sick. At first I got really hot and started sweating bullets. "Keep breathing." I heard several times. Soon, I started to feel a little nauseous.

"I feel dizzy-- I'm whiting out."

Immediately after I said that I was out. I literally don't even remember what happened next or slumping over. I woke up looking at the ceiling with 5 female lab staff, nurses, and or whatever their title is all around me. Heaven has fat chicks, just warning you guys. Thankfully I'm not bothered by that, because it's not my choice, and they were nice to me. Bringing me orange juice was also a bonus. Besides if heaven has uppity bitches, what's the fucking point? Anyway, I didn't remember slumping over, getting on my back, or anything. I'm sure they were just about to do stuff to me or they were looking for a sharpie. That's about the time when my eyes fixed on them.

"Are you okay? Just take a deep breath."

"I feel kind of heavy. Did you finish?"
I really just wished this whole thing was over. And I wanted breakfast.

"No, I had to pull out when you started to slump over."
Haha, she had to pull out. Depending on what I would be doing, I might not have pulled out.

I got back to business,
"Are we able to finish or?" They looked at me like I was insane.

"Well, let's give you a moment to breathe. Drink some orange juice."

"Thanks. Well, I'd like to continue since I'm awake now." Which basically means, let's rock'n'roll lady, the show must go on.

"Yes, but we don't want you to get sick." Fair enough. They waited about 2 minutes before continuing.

Then they switched back to my left arm, and took my blood quickly without any problems. I felt a little sick when I left, but otherwise alright.

"I hope I didn't panic any of you. I did warn you at least!" I said smiling.

"And we're grateful you warned us!" Yes, yes you are.

I'm good at warning people.

Unfortunately some people take my warnings with little or no seriousness because they think I might be joking. Bad idea!

They were very nice to me, and like always I tried to talk myself through it since I'm not really into needles in my body.
Masks and shit? No problem.
Seeing blood? No problem.
Stab me with metal? Fuck!!!

2012年4月23日 April 23rd is "Fuck the Earth Day"

"April 22nd. Earth Day. A day when people around the world go the extra mile to care for our delicate planet. A day to remember to recycle, to drive your Prius, to reduce your carbon footprint.

And a day where I like to go around telling everyone I see, 'Fuck the Earth!'

I'm Jack English and I paid for this ad, to tell you about a new and better holiday, April 23rd, 'Fuck the Earth Day!'"

While this video is quite old it's a wonderful classic for several reasons... I'd love to share all of those reasons with you, but frankly speaking I enjoy this video because every-time I see bullshit "Save the Earth" or "Earth Day" propaganda I want to puke. Then I remember April 23rd is Fuck the Earth Day, and I end up smiling. As someone else once put it, 

"[T]he whole green movement wasn[']t created to help the [E]arth, it was created so big corporations can charge us more money for things that are "green." [F]uck that shit, if [I] want to drive a hummer over a pack of polar bears while eating zebra steak, [I'm] going to fucking do it. [F]uck hippies and fuck being green"

When some people tout that saving the Earth is important I almost invariably start talking about mass suicides, or rather, complete extermination of the human race. Not because I believe we deserve to die, but if the objective is to save the Earth, then us being here in any capacity other than how the Hopi indians lived will not help the Earth. 

"But we need to be here to save the Earth!" some might say. Save the Earth? What happens if a super-massive solar flare or black-hole comes out of nowhere and fucks Earth to shit? I don't think our insurance would protect us from something that catastrophic, or interesting for that matter.

Also if one were to look at aerial photos of before and after urban sprawl, one might learn to agree with me. We're doing more damage than good. My sources? Well a source is CNN, which is questionable on politics, but then again what isn't politics? More info here, http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/world/road-to-rio/satellite-photos-urban-sprawl/index.html?hpt=wo_mid

Who doesn't love a little
bling-bling?!

Just "[r]emember, Global Warming is just a theory, like the evolution or the metric system." Because even if things do get worse or better depending on how you feel about mass chaos, there is still hope, at least from Jack English,

"Learn to swim. And eat fucking rocks- people! Swim... And eat rocks. Happy Fuck the Earth Day"

So let's go drive our cars, use our Ipods from China, let's liter, flush the toilet more than once a day, shower for more than 3 minutes, and buy new clothes that were made in other countries -- I haven't even gotten to mention how much oil is used to transport useless goods (i.e. shit) from one shit country to another.

Sure people can argue saying, "Oh I've donated this or that!" But realistically it's bullshit. Anytime you buy a DVD, a new car, fuck-- Especially a sports-car! A big truck, anything plastic, anything that gets less than 70MPG, not growing your own garden (community or otherwise) you're failing the Earth. Besides do you really expect me to believe you're going to give up your bling-bling (designer, coffee-latte enema, fashion, whatever-car) so the earth feels better for .000000000000004 seconds? I doubt it.

So let's celebrate, "Fuck the Earth Day", because if global warming is a serious problem, why haven't we caused a nuclear winter yet?
Peace out. Fuckers.

2012年4月20日 Going/Career

Example of sacrifices for
life, etc

Over the years when I've given instruction, a presentation, or a lecture I have been told that I should consider a job in a field where I will be able to do that. In a sense, becoming a HS teacher or even professor at a university is probably the best route. With that said, the next question comes to mind, "In what?" Frankly speaking, education as a whole is interesting to me, be it social studies, English (language or literature), other foreign languages, and so forth. Even discussing how to effectively teach better is something I enjoy.

With that said, it just means more school and education. How one accomplishes that and what sacrifices have to be made is another issue. Sacrifices have to be made, it cannot always be "take take take", at least in my life it can't be. I wasn't lucky enough to be born into a Saudi Prince's family, and in actuality I would consider that to be unlucky, because I'd probably be a Muslim.

Over then next few months I will probably discuss this further. But for now, I pretty much know where I'm going to be. And that's around people who let me help them with wanting to learn, ask questions, and them helping me with learning along the way.

2012年4月19日 Yuck

I wake up some mornings without hope. Mainly because I feel obsolete or worse, expendable. When I feel that way I don't want to do shit, and I end up doing nothing. This feeling can last for several hours to several days. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is to get outside into the harsh, painful, and cold wet weather, instead of staying inside my warm and also very miserable cave strategically placed away from the world.

Rambo: To survive a war, you've got to become war.

Co-Bao: That why they pick you? Because you like to fight?

Rambo: I'm expendable.
Co-Bao: Expendable? What mean expendable?

Rambo: It's like, someone invites you to a party and you don't show up. Doesn't really matter.

Today I was in the cave of no hope and endless feelings of being expendable. I realized I had to get out, mainly because I had work. And also because a friend and her boyfriend wanted to meet up with me. We talked about life and work. Afterwards I took them to the store so they could make chicken for dinner or something. It was good to see them.

Afterwards my patriarch of education at the university reminded me of a quote I think I brought up with him, but somehow I forgot it, "'Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.' Mark Twain said that I think you were the one who told me that." I had a smirk on my face as he said that to me.

Fozzjnen told me to do something I'm "good at that also pays the bills." What bills? What are these bills? I mean outside of this or that, why does happiness need to be a huge income? Vacation? Why is happiness defined by clothes, technology, or land? Why do some of us feel unhappy when there is self-improvement?

Some of my best moments with friends or family has been some kind of conversation about life and just being able to exist with them sharing our worlds.

Why are people telling me more money means more options? 

What kind of options? 

Why do people work shit jobs, high-stress environments either at home or at work, only to have a few days out of 365 days to be or feel happy or hope for that matter? Why do those same people chose to have zero hope or happiness almost everyday, waiting for it to come when they can retire early? Wouldn't all that stress early on reduce their life expectancy? What's the point then working unhappily in a high stress environment or life for 15 to 20 years, only to die 10 years later from a heart attack (sources: 1, 2, 3, 4)?

Why aren't people realistically asking these questions when they have those things, and then reflecting on their whole life? 

Why do people still have these great things, sometimes abandoning relationships with their children? 

Why have those things only to have children that loathe them? 

Why even bother having children? 

Why does this happen? 

Why shouldn't we ask these questions?

I reminded myself that sometimes people define something by what exists. 

What about defining things through the absence of existence? Dark matter anyone?

I just can't quit, can I? 

I can't stop it. Actually I could, there are several bridges around here.

But I feel like I'd end up just talking about the choices of the bridge and how the bridge is actually a metaphor for something else. Probably mental masturbation.

Thoughts?