2012年4月26日 Suicidin'

Three days ago I saved a quote that I thought I was going to use for a blog post title,

"Everyone loves you, when you're about to die"

I guess I felt "Suicidin'" to be a better title.

 

Last night I found out my sister was in the ICU of a local hospital, because she tried to commit suicide by OD on medicine. It's kind of annoying and alien. I don't mean annoying because my sister in the hospital. No. It's alien she's in the hospital and I don't really feel anything. It's annoying to me that I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with my own self-misery and unhappiness? Who knows? At present I'm not trying to figure that out, nor do I need to. 

But one thing is for certain and that is I'm not doing well, and I would be lying if I hadn't thought about these issues at least once over the past couple of months jokingly or otherwise.

What's frustrating is that I don't always have the appropriate medium to talk about these issues. I don't have anyone right now to talk about how I feel about my sister trying to kill herself. I don't always, or don't, have access to the friends and people I'd like to talk to when shit like this happens. Shit like this happens, and I'm just dealing with it until the weekend when I can unload it all. If I can. Why should I have to wait until the weekend? Well, I'm single and all of my friends have jobs, families, and/or are in other states. 

I actually don't think companionship would really change anything, because I'd probably have some whiny bitch telling me to to stop worrying about it, or to just stop talking about it. Neither of which is realistically going to happen when I'm concerned or excited about something. 

I'm a talker, and to talk about, at, and through things is important to me, unless I white-out or faint because I'm being stabs by needles. Surely most of my friends know that, and most of them would think of it as odd or extremely depressing if I were to mope around in silence.

She's alien to me. That's the worse part about this situation. She has a family, a husband, and two kids. Even then, she tried to kill herself. She's so alien to me, that the only way I can relate is to deviate from her as the subject and relegate her position to that as a point of reference, while I talk about what I'm interested in or my experiences, etc.  

I don't really know her that well, and maybe that's the problem. Actually, I don't think it's a problem, because at this point I don't know her and to know her is like getting to know a stranger that I'm sure I won't always get along with (and I don't mean general disagreements). I've tried. It's like talking with distant cousins for the first time in years. "Uh... I don't really know who you are anymore..."

I guess if I were to say there is a lesson, the lesson is that a family, a home, and children might not be enough. Certainly for my sister it's not enough, even though everyone else might say, "Family matters a lot!" Compared to what? Compared to wanting to die? Compared to freedom from pain? Family members are just people that, no bullshit, could or will end up hating you or leaving you. I've seen countless families where fathers abandon their sons and daughters. Daughters and sons hate their miserable mothers. Even if those things don't happen the sons or daughters end up hating or cursing their parents anyhow. Loved too much, or too little. Too high of expectations, too little? Too much value on career, and not enough on character? These things happen regardless of whether or not I see them or write about it.

So why are we here anyway?
You might not want to ask me right now.