2012年4月27日 "Does that mean you've got to lose?"

I was talking to him over the phone about what happened with my sister, and that's when he started to verbally hunt against my mom.

"You know your sister learns that kind of shit from your mother."

Deer season has officially opened. I thought.

"You know it's funny you say that about her, she's actually changed. I mean, we have strong evidence that for the last 5 years she's been completely sober.

So let me ask you this, what have you done? Have you quit drinking? Have you changed at all? No, no you haven't. But that's the thing, you don't need to change.
You know who you are, don't you?

I paused just briefly enough to switch back on him.

My mom, needed to change, but she had to find that on her own.
Speaking of which, have you ever thought about suicide?"

I said reflecting his own judgement and standards on his own behavior.
Without hesitation in his voice whatsoever I heard an immediate and resounding,

"Yes."

I was caught a little off guard, because the same man who accused my mother's background as the reason for my sister's desire for suicide, also had thought about suicide on his own. Albeit his reasons for such seemed to be more shame based, according to what he said after that. But frankly speaking, anyone who wants to commit suicide, does it because of shame, guilt, fear, etc. Fear being a big one.

No, I suppose I wasn't really caught off guard by that alone. I was primarily caught off guard because of the directness. The full-blown honesty that didn't carry an in-your-face attitude or "none of your business". It made me feel like he's come full circle, or damn it, he's trying and has no choice but to advance. Maybe he learned something, something he didn't say. Something I didn't pick up.

I should probably call him again if I want to know.