2014年08月28日 Jealous enough to liquor

Probably one of the more terrifying things a man can experience is jealously. 

This jealously is never healthy for people who are fanatics like myself. My tendencies evolve jealously into problematic and destructive things. For some jealousy is healthy for a relationship, but for me it isn't.

Case number 03189:

I walk into a bar with a friend - he's gay, so what? - and I run into a woman that I have been attracted to over the last year or longer. She's a warm person, if that warmth happened to be in a sauna located in the arctic circle. A complicated woman with many layers. We met online, talked on the phone and went on a few dates, but I don't think she likes younger men (I'm 28 and she's 37). Nothing happened, but we've kept in contact sporadically.

Anyhow, she spots me and waves me over to hug her, which is something I've never done before with her.

"Nice to see you again, but I'm here to get drunk. You look a little busy, so nice seeing you!" 

I said. And that was that. 

There were Wild Turkey shots waiting for me in the lounge area, and not the bar/restaurant area where she was sitting in a red-dress. No I wasn't going to lollygag around waiting to get booze and losing my buzz in the process, even briefly. 

No. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Invited Transgender Species* I was there to drink and hang out. So for me, mission accomplished. Okay, and maybe get laid at some point too, but that's a different story.

So a week passes by and I catch the red-dress woman online, where she brought up my friend. She said that when she hugged me, my guy friend looked jealous as hell.

And her message was expounded with,

"I could feel it, he was not very happy about my existence there." 

I agreed, but at that time when she saw him in the bar I was preoccupied with getting drunk (though I didn't). I was even startled to see her there, since I had strong feelings for her, yet I knew of an answer that could quickly change these feelings.

The Wild Turkey drenched jealously away, at least for me though I didn't seem to have any. If anything seeing her smile at me was like a reminder of wearing a Scarlet Letter, except mine would have been an "S" for spurned. 

You can smell Wild Turkey once the smokey flavors get within a few inches of your nose. Soon after pressing the shot glass to your lips, you begin to start closing your eyes. The glass bottom tipped up towards the ceiling, and then dropping the solution down into your mouth. Like most medicine it tastes like shit, at first; but when the taste-buds adjust, the feeling is different. A few times in my life I had adjusted my feelings to the taste, and while that was a long time ago I at least wrote significantly more.

Not a quitter

Like the jealously of my gay-friend, the feeling did adjust, once he finished his shot sipping it slowly.

I paid, feeling cocky I left 30 percent tip. We left through the lounge entrance and walked around downtown towards the water. Once there we found more places to drink. He invited me to a gay bar. I don't care: they usually have cheaper drinks.

There I drowned out my feelings, be them jealous or not.

I was jealous enough to liquor out of my life, until I woke up the next day.

*To quote Lieutenant Commander Data

Whiskey Oh?: A short story by the writer

When someone said, "Bomb" Gary almost didn't notice. He had been minding his own business, as he usually does with headphones crammed into his ears, while peering down at his phone. The shanties and songs from Gilbert and Sullivan were more of an interest to him. He'd been reading up on them because he wanted something to sing while he was alone. Looking up from his seat he noticed people looking at him, others, and towards the driver. For a moment he realized something was wrong. His heart rate went up and he wanted to panic with the rest of the lot.

But he didn't, at least not outwardly. He turned off his music, unplugged his headphones, and shoved them in his pocket along with his phone. He tipped his head into the aisle to see what was going on. His fingers were pulsing with the adrenaline. No one seemed to notice his excitement, since they where already hopped up on their own.

He stopped thinking about those shanties he was reading. No amount of:
"Whiskey is the life of man, 
Always was since the world began!"
Would calm his nerves. Although a little voice in his head suggested that while the words might not calm him, actual whiskey might. He smiled nervously, even though no one else seemed to be smiling. And thankfully to his surprised, no one really noticed.

A distinct, but fuzzy sounding voice was heard overhead. It was the driver speaking into the intercom, but it was unintelligible gibberish. A woman behind Gary wouldn't stop babbling about what needed to be done. Soon the bus rolled to a stop, and people shuffled off the bus.

Gary shrugged, smiled, and walked over to another bus stop. The police would later report a pressure-cooker bomb was found. It exploded when a bomb technician tried to defuse it. He lived, surprisingly.

As Gary stood there waiting for another bus he could hear the lyrics in his head.
"Some like whiskey, some like beer,
I wish I had a barrel here."

He pulled out his headphones and phone, turn his music back on, and tried to forget the day's events
He knew others might not forget, but he would do is best to block it out of his mind at the least. That night he drank. But this night he celebrated life through death. And not the other way around, though he was fond of it. But not that night. Not at all.

2012年5月12日 "To the pure, all things are pure"

University life, or life in general, can be a tedious but rewarding experience. What does it mean to learn? Is it possible to really learn something, yet ignore it completely as if we had never really learned at all? Yes, it is. Sometimes we say one thing, do one thing, hear one thing, have one thing happen to us, then we claim to have learned, but in reality nothing changed. Because if we really learned anything would we not mature from the pain? 

Should we gauge our happiness and success by comparing it with the past? I think we should constantly re-gauge ourselves, checking whether or not our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual instruments are working.

 

No one really knows for sure without overcoming a challenge. Sometimes there are two, three, even four or more challenges simultaneously. We have to decide which challenges are important to us and then go from there. Other times we can only pick one or none. Better pick the right challenge, or if one picks the wrong challenge, then one better not wait to correct it. The truth hates delays.

We can't totally live for tomorrow, yesterday, or today, since the days are interconnected. Ideally, we need to remember that as ourselves we should pick ourselves, then as ourselves we can go to God and God's teachings or commercialized holidays, greed, and self-idolatry. One can't learn without teaching. Can't teach without learning.

Teaching and learning in my case? In my case I have no choices on some issues, other than to find a way to advance or make one. Unfortunately and fortunately for me, my path doesn't go backwards only onward. A bridge breaking behind as I advance. Yes, there are stops along the way, but it only ends when I die or give up. What was that which Horace was claimed to have said? Something like, 

"Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit "

(The Fellow is either mad or he is composing verses.)

I suppose that applies to me.
I remember once when I was somewhat pure, thinking that most things could be good and pure too. Now that I'm older, stupider, with fervor towards patient structures while expressing the same towards chaos, I find that nothing is at it seems. We sometimes wake up as sane people in an insane world. Somehow while things could be reversed, I believe not much would changed, except for the titles of things and tax-codes.

But it only matters if it matters. No matter, nor madder or matter in my bladder. The line between boring and pure excitement is whether or not there is a rail for your safety.

2012年5月4日 Uncle Ted and wisdom

Ted Nugent in a recent interview said that "[I'm a] perfect human being. I stumble perfectly."

It made me think, as opposed to vomiting on my naked groin. 

Perfectly green or is it perfectly tan?

My dad says on occasion that, "If you want perfection, believe in Jesus." Perfection is fleeting, unless we're trying to be perfect with ourselves within our human limitations. That's probably the best advice I got out of these types of phrases. We're human, we build communities, we do good things, we do bad things. We make friends, enemies, and whatnot. But we're human, but perfection in our imagination negates our humanity. We don't get a chance to have a "perfect life" because we're born flawed already. It's wonderful we're born this way because otherwise we would miss out on an incredible amount of culture (and music).

So what is the way? Well, one way (which would consider itself "the way"), would be to have perfection with our own human characteristics and character. Knowing we make mistakes and correcting them, in my opinion is more asphalt on the road to human perfection. Because without ever having an opportunity to make a mistake, how can we truly achieve a sense of understanding? How can we genuinely be perfect if we ignore that we stumble, if we ignore our faculties? Or rather when we ignore our weaknesses versus only taking pride and perfection in our strengths? 

I must note briefly that the opposite side may exist. That without an opportunity to do something right, do we really know what "wrong" is? Or what a mistake is? We have to decide what is right or wrong. But moreover we need to be true to ourselves in the process. Because nothing is more questionable - in the sense that the following should be scrutinized carefully - than defining perfection by self-negation of one's own inner voice.

Deny yourself, and you are no longer an individual.

Backtracking a bit.

What about when the opportunity of learning is negated? When we lose an opportunity to understand ourselves, such as ignoring pain, weakness, things we don't like, we are wasting an opportunity to understand ourselves. I'm not saying invest your time into things you're bad at. 

In my case I could probably be good at math, at some point, but frankly speaking I should invest myself into things I'm naturally good at, enjoy doing, and can help others with. However! I shouldn't ignore that I'm bad at math, in fact the only way to know if I was bad at it was to give it a serious shot. Honestly, I'm not as bad at math as I thought originally, but it just doesn't stick as hard compared to languages. I know this because I don't use quadratic equations everyday. So yeah, I'd probably be great at math, if I used it everyday in order to perfect my natural human state, but there are other issues that are more pressing to me with myself and my own humanity.

No else else gets to be you. 

Nor should anyone else be you. 

And the same goes for you and another. You may want to consider avoiding the desire to be someone else. Because your opportunity to be you lies in you and with your experiences, from before, from today, and from tomorrow. Without those things, how can you be perfect with yourself? How can one genuinely wield his or herself without grabbing their soul, for all it's worth, with the good and the bad? Of course times change. 

As a non-Jewish, but religious text, says, 

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 

In my case, my understanding as a child is necessary, because I'm still learning. And also, I know that I want to be an educator one day so I need to have the skills and talents to be able to explain things in such a manner. Whether that manner of thought and dialog is childishly, manly, or tuck myself behind the thighs as a tranny, depends on the audience I am learning from or trying to educate. 

None of this shit applies when an asshole cuts me off on the freeway though.

More on Uncle Ted here: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505263_162-57427792/ted-nugent-explodes-at-notion-hes-not-a-moderate/

2012年4月13日 "Knowing it is not enough!"

Me: "I like questions."

Her: "I knooow." She said sounding exhausted from the intensity of having that knowledge. Though I could never imagine a successful relationship from her other than her keeping a mattress warm, it did remind me that in the future if I do have what I believe is a successful relationship, it will be with someone who won't become exhausted from my questions.

I have come to the conclusion that the questions I ask are not what is exhausting, but rather the required brain power of each individual person. What does it matter if they tell me something of great value to them, and I have no influence in their life? What if what I tell them is of no matter and they are of great influence in my life? Wouldn't it be best to tell your greatest achievements to a stranger so that they can't destroy them? How about the opposite? Some would say yes, others would say no. I'm not going to debate which is right or wrong, and I'd digress too much if I did! But she did make that face, that face that says, "I can't think about that." Not because I asked her to, no. But because she cannot think about that with herself. 

Some people can flip a switch and tell you things all day long from an intellectual point of view, but just you wait until their emotions click on. I know at least 3 or 4 women who are able to disregard their emotions and talk without emotions on from their. Most of those women are almost like that 24/7, and it get's a little depressing. It changes though when they get drunk, but most of them almost always try to be in control. As for men like that? I can't imagine more than meeting two in my whole life. But I know they're out there, I have no doubt about that.

I think most would agree that having a balance of both, with oneself, is best. And finding the people who can be around that balance is equally important. So far, I'm doing a good job asking questions with myself, and I can always do better, at least that's how I feel until I'm asleep. Waking up, it begins again. Never turning off. Slowing down, over-heating, too cool, just right, just wrong, but never off. It's off when I'm asleep, unconscious (sleep or something), or death. The latter of which I have yet to experience, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.

So today, I was reminded of a great movie, which is also more or less a sleeper hit, like Hobo with a Shotgun. Hobo with a Shotgun also has some interesting points, albeit most of them are extremely vulgar. Like a guy wearing ice-skates to kick the shit out of a Hobo with a shotgun.

Anyway, the movie that I was reminded of is called Unthinkable and it's one of the few movies where Samuel L. Jackson plays himself, i.e. not an angry black man, but a reserved man who is philosophical about the procedures of torture, interrogations, and the meaning of life. Seemingly enough he doesn't seem to enjoy what he does, yet he is still good at it.

Quotes of the interrogator:

"None of you understand, we don't stop, until this all checks out. That's the rules. It's my duty to continue.
[...]
Do you believe I can do this? Faith is not enough, he has to know it. KNOWING IT, is not enough! He has to see it." Unthinkable

Torture, interrogation, and difficult questions happen in a lot of shows I like. Not because I like the act of torture, but because torture depending on the application could be considered a challenge. 

For example: After given use of a car for over three years without having to pay for gas, insurance, or maintenance, one would say if someone took it away it would be "torture". One could say that being denied an opportunity to express oneself is torture.

"Every man, no matter how strong he is, lies to himself about something. I will find your lie. I will break you." Unthinkable

And yet, I wonder if we put ourselves in these positions? I'm sure we do, whether or not we are the one applying the challenge or receiving it. Whether it's emotional or physical, we choose to wake up and that's exactly what it is, it's a choice. A choice to participate or not. I choice to do nothing or something. I choice to make things worse or make them better. A choice to stay inside or to go [out] - the latter of which I actually said often in Hebrew and English. In some cases even the torturer is more than just an observer, depending on how the torture affects one, the person applying force might be the one who potentially is challenged the most. It all depends.

And we haven't even gotten around to whether or not torture is wrong, and so far I've evaded this question because for my own observations (in this post) it is a challenge. Most people getting "tortured" or interrogated in the films or shows that I quote have intentionally put themselves in positions where this could happen and they knew it.

"I let myself be caught. [..] I chose to meet my oppressors face-to-face! [...] This is not about me, this is about you!" Unthinkable

And here is another,

Drazi: "...There's nothing I can do."
John: "Yes there is! You can fight, you can refuse to surrender, you can refuse to be broken. You just have to say, 'No I won't.' One more time than they can say, 'Yes you will.'"
Drazi: "Capta--,"
John: "The moment you surrender, you become expendable."
Drazi: "I'm afraid, I've never been afraid before"
John: "We're all afraid. Don't give them what they want. Don't." Babylon 5

And another about challenges,

John: "You're trying to force us to decide which of you is right. You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides! Not for their benefit, but for yours! But what if the right choice, is not to choose [either one] at all?" Babylon 5

The above quote reminds me that during any challenge a person should or might want to understand who they are under the situation they are experiencing. As the above quote suggests the man above is going to take his side, for his own sake. Similar to children growing up and figuring out what is best for them. Just like a tree before it dies, it has to grow first.

And moreover, sometimes torture/interrogation/pain/challeneges come in active reflection as the below conversation happens to suggest:

G: "The[y] started it."
K: "And will you continue, until there are no more [of you], and no more [of them]? If both sides are dead, no one will care which side deserves the blame. It no longer matters who started it, G [...]. It only matters who is suffering."
G: "No. No, I have an obligation [...]"
K: "And how have you chosen to honor that [..]? What is there left for [you] if all of creation falls around us? There is nothing. No hope, no dream, no future, no life. Unless we turn from the cycle of death toward something greater. If we are a dying people, then let us die with honor, by helping the others as no one else can."
G: "I don't understand."

K: "Because you have let them distract you. Blind you with hate. You cannot see the battle for what it is. We are fighting to save one another. We must realize we are not alone. We rise and fall together. And some of us must be sacrificed if all are to be saved. Because if you fail in this then none of us will be saved, and [you all] will be only a memory.

You have the opportunity here and now to choose, to become something greater and nobler and more difficult than you have been before. [...]"
G: "Why now? Why not earlier? All this time, where have you been?"
K: "I have always been here." Babylon 5

I must say that I do enjoy Babylon 5 because it offers insight to difficult questions in life when we torture, interrogate, or challenge ourselves or another. In most cases in life, unless we're in Cambodia's S-21 prison or death camps in Nazi German or Russia, we're probably just going to put ourselves in positions where we challenge, if not, torture ourselves. 

The sad part is that, even in my own experiences when I reflect, I can't honestly say that I didn't know any better. In most cases, I knew the score, which is another opportunity for me to pitch the movie Heat (1995) to everyone, "He knew the risks, he didn't have to be there. It rains... you get wet." 

I don't have to be anywhere, and even not going anywhere comes with its own price-tag. 

But we know about those* already, don't we?

Is knowing really enough? Do we really have to see the price tag? 

 Sometimes yes, but whether seeing the price tag is torture or embraced, is something that is entirely up to the individual. As an individual.

*2012年3月20日 Price Tags (URL)

2012年2月16日 Politicians and fishing

This man will take (and) molest,
in any manner at any time, your fish.
He also has a small penis.

I'm of the opinion that when politicians get bored they make laws about molesting fish.

I'm also of the opinion that when I get bored I read about those same laws and blog about them.

The following is from an ORS I found the other day reading about fisting fishing:

509.040 Small or immature salmon protected; exceptions; rules. (1) Any person who takes any immature salmon of any variety less than 20 inches in length, or any mature salmon of any variety less than 15 inches in length, by any means other than angling, shall immediately return such salmon alive to the water.

      (2) It is unlawful to:

    (a) Take, buy, sell or possess immature salmon less than 20 inches or mature salmon less than 15 inches in length, taken in any waters of this state, at any time or in any manner except by angling.

    (b) Take, molest, kill or injure, in any manner at any time, or expose for sale or have in possession, except for the purpose of propagation when authorized by law, any spawning salmon.

Surprisingly this no one has questioned law makers on that statute.

Apparently mature salmon are not protected against molestation...

Another one, this time from the great state of Florida...

379.405 Illegal molestation of or theft from freshwater fishing gear.—

(1)(a) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully molests any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

(b) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully removes the contents of any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

A person, firm, or corporation that receives a citation for a violation of this subsection is prohibited, immediately upon receipt of such citation and until adjudicated or convicted of a felony under this subsection, from transferring any endorsements.

Thanks Florida!

Yeah...

2012年2月15日 Drugs revisited

So earlier in the day CNN did an article about how former drug addicts are kicking their addiction with sports, which is like overcoming marijuana by taking up smoking. Not all "sports" are damaging, but eventually you'll see that improper training and other mistakes will lead to serious joint or other related issues as the applicant ages.

I personally believe that exercise can be a drug and an addiction. I also believe that most things in life, if not all things, should be done in moderation; however, I don't believe my idea of moderation works for everyone, just what you think is proper moderation for yourself.

From a guy whose
addicted to cookies...

There are a lot of health freaks who loathe everything, and everyone, who is less healthy than themselves, which is entertaining because eventually one's own genes will catch up with them, either that, car accidents or suicide bombers. No amount of running, cycling, cardio-workouts, face-fucking, fisting, boxing, or whatever is going to prevent death. Death happens. No amount of wishful thinking is going to get anyone through anything, especially without hope. I get irritated when I read these articles and I imagine kids in hospitals or in wheel-chairs or stuck on a couch because they're in so much pain from whatever disease or aliment. It's like this article is saying that "Only healthy people who can work out are allowed to feel good."

I suppose being limited in what I can do physically makes me frustrated when I see these articles like the one I read, but in reality it makes me feel better, because some people actually have to continue with taking drugs in one way or another. That same "high" effect, albeit slightly different than taking a drug, is still sought. You see it with runners when they have their own "high." It's like trading in a Ferrari (meth) for a Toyota Corolla (running). I'm sure marijuana is like a Winnebago. They're only trading one for another.

Ain't this shit the truth.

As for drugs themselves, I'm sure cocaine in moderation isn't problematic. Hell doctor's prescribe drugs all the time. I'm happy that my own feelings on these issues about feeling good or bad is seriously regulated to one thing alone, one single characteristic, which I believe is inherently human and breaks the limitations of biology and possible genes - unless genes contributed to it - and that is choice. I alone get to decide how "high" I want to be and whether or not I'm going to feel good about life or not. I can feel good and great mainly because I'm who I am.

The article can be found here, or below.

Denver (CNN) -- When Nick Nisbet says he once hit rock bottom, he means it. 

"I had a heroin overdose. I stopped breathing for too long, and I died. My heartbeat stopped and brain waves stopped," he said. "They had to jump-start me with the paddles." 

The 2006 episode finally persuaded Nisbet to kick his deadly drug habit. But getting clean -- and staying clean -- was a daunting proposition. 

"I'd tried to get sober many times," the 34-year-old said. "I tried the methadone clinic, I tried just cold turkey. But ... you need to fill the void with something." 

He tried 12-step meetings, but they depressed him. So when his girlfriend told him about Phoenix Multisport, a sober support community that offers free athletic activities, he agreed to check it out. 

"I reluctantly went, thinking it was just going to be a big waste of time," he said. "Turns out it was the best move I ever made in my life." 

Phoenix, named after the mythical bird that rises from its ashes, helped Nisbet rediscover his love of biking. It also connected him with other recovering addicts who wanted to be active. 

"They just make sure that you're staying sober and having fun doing it," he said. "It's the best support crew I could imagine having." 

More than 4,700 people have participated in Phoenix, which Scott Strode started in 2007. Most join the group because they've struggled with drug or alcohol addiction. 

"Life should be better once you get sober," said Strode, 38. "(We want to) help people build a new life, a new self-image and have fun without getting high." 

Strode developed his approach through hard-won personal experience. He started drinking when he was just 10 years old. By 15, he was using cocaine. 

His addictions intensified after college. One night, after a bender, he woke up on the bathroom floor. 

"Suddenly it dawned on me that if I didn't change things, I was going to overdose and that was going to be how my mother would find me," he said. 

He decided to give it all up for good. But that meant abandoning his entire social network, as everyone he knew was involved in drinking and drugs. 

Rising from the ashes 

"Overnight, your friends are gone, you're alone," he remembers. "It was a depressing first three months of recovery." 

Eventually Strode started working out at a boxing gym, and he later got involved with triathlons and climbing. These new activities kept him busy, and they also made him feel good.

"You start to believe you can succeed in whatever you do, whether that's your sobriety or ... crossing the finish line," he said. 

But for Strode, the most important factor was that many of the people he met through these activities were sober. With these friendships, he built a new support system. 

"It was surrounding myself with a group of people that would rather get up at 7 in the morning to climb a mountain than to stay up until 7 in the morning drinking and using," he said. "With influences like that, I just moved further away from the darkness of my addiction." 

In 2005, during a climbing trip, Strode realized that New Year's Eve had passed and he hadn't given so much as a thought to drugs or alcohol. He decided he wanted to share what he'd learned with others.  

A year later, Phoenix Multisport began offering programs in Boulder, Colorado. 

Phoenix offers around 50 programs every week, ranging from casual walks and yoga to mountain biking and ice climbing. Activities are led by field instructors, all of whom are in recovery and happy to show beginners the ropes.  

The organization provides the gear and also offers grants to help people purchase their own equipment. Nearly all events -- with the exception of overnight activities or ski trips -- are free. 

"It's a great way to introduce people into something that then later becomes ... sort of their coping mechanism, as opposed to picking up a drink or a drug, " Strode said. 

He notes that Phoenix isn't a substitute for any other recovery support program; in fact, many in the group are also in 12-step programs. But Strode believes the natural "high" that people get from Phoenix activities can be transformative. 

"Just getting the blood pumping again -- for a lot of our folks, it's been a long time since that's happened," he said. "The physical effects of exercise translate to your work, your family life, your belief in yourself." 

Anyone who has been sober for 48 hours is welcome to come to one of Phoenix's open sessions to participate in an activity and learn about the group.  

After attending several events, individuals are invited to join, provided they sign a pledge to treat everyone respectfully and stay sober. Some members are hard-core athletes, but the group welcomes people of all fitness levels. 

Most participants have never been active. 

Phoenix is now in four locations in Colorado: Boulder, Colorado Springs, Denver and Fort Carson, where the organization does outreach with veterans and active-duty military personnel.  

Strode would like to expand beyond Colorado later this year, and he hopes Phoenix will one day become a national program. 

Already, members can often be seen in their red-and-black Phoenix jerseys at competitions around the country. By being open about their sobriety, Strode hopes they're helping to reduce the stigma of addiction. 

"There's so much camaraderie, people often come up and ask us how they can join our club," he said. "We're having fun, and we're proud of being sober." 

Nisbet's pride in his sobriety is easy to spot. He sports tattoos on each finger to spell out "DRUG FREE." 

"I was proud to be Nick the heroin addict," he said. "When I stopped, I was just plain old boring Nick, I thought. ... Now I get my self-confidence by being able to go out and run a marathon or riding my bike for 100 miles. I like having that identity, as the guy that can do endurance sports. It feels good." 

Now married, Nisbet wants to set a good example for his 10-month-old son old by graduating from college. Just recently, he got a new tattoo to cover up one that he got when he was using. The design? A colorful phoenix. For him, the symbolism means a lot. 

"Anytime I look down and see (it), it's rising, so ... no more muttering around," he said. "Life is way too short to waste it doing drugs."

2012年1月18日 Wikipedia continued

Go buy  Drano®!

When we use the internet, we should think about the following:

"So when you want to talk about the consumer, let’s talk about you and me. We use this internet for communication. We’re not using it for commercial purposes. We’re not earning anything by going on that internet." - the late (i.e. no longer early), Ted Stevens

Today I tried going on Wikipedia this morning during the blackout, and I noticed it would redirect me, away from the page, blocking my information automatically. To get around this, my garbage-nerd-brain kicked into high gear. How do I get around annoying things on websites, especially when I still want to use them?

The answer: the Esc(ape) key

How to do it: press Esc as soon as your page loads before the blackout screen takes over, if you are too late, just refresh the page and try again. This works for a number of websites, especially those pesky porno sites that like to load pop-ups and massive amounts of porno popping up everywhere. But I digress.

Use it to download porn!

After solving this, I realized Wikipedia has just turned into horseshit, as I could still read things in English without having to worry about waiting 24 hours until the blackout was lifted. 

Hell, even Craigslist is on the bandwagon of the blackout, however since I could remember the URL or could look it up for sections that are useful to me (casual encounters), I decided to give it a shot. Viola~ http://portland.craigslist.org/sss/ And it works, even though the shitty homepage is somewhat blocked.

It never ceases to amaze me how simple it is to get around things or how to annoy people. One does not have to try very hard, and it's especially easier with Ted Stevens, er, rather the recorded voice of the still late Ted Stevens.

If you've seen it already, watch it again.

2012年1月16日 Friends!

Sometimes I read religious things on the internet. With the exception of religiously viewing porn, my favorite website for the most part is the Shearim blog, which covers "Chassidut, Talmud, Torah, Kabbalah, and News from Israel"

Below is a link to a post from that blog. The central theme of the post is social difficulties, which could more or less be repugnant depending on which end of the stick you're on. Are you on the side where making friends is hard? Or are you on the said where you have no limitations (moral, ethical, principle, etc)? Either way, any form of isolation sucks and is miserable.

Can a Jew have Gentile friends ?

While the information mainly deals with Jews, the advice could or does apply to politics, ethics, and so forth.

Thoughts?

2011年11月3日 Lemme show you a trick...

So I'm reading the news, which as everyone knows has more spam and ads than porn. Unfortunately, porn ads are generally what we want, which is porn. Yet when I'm reading the news and I see the following, I'm kind of disturbed.
Click read more, it's safe for work.

2011年10月6日 Basics

Drinking for yesterday seems to be a common occurrence with humans, be it to forget or to remember. Yet the future is often reserved for ritual happiness. Such arbitrary standards. None of which are wrong, right, or without morals, dilemma or otherwise. As choice exists, and yet with such the potential for sin.

2011年9月28日 You make me sick

I was going to talk about my recent discovery of the new Gary Numan album which came out on the 15th, who knew? 

Yet, here I am talking about something that irritates me to the point where I cannot legitimately trust a person. Please, G-d even(!), forgive how I'm about to write this, but this is a fictional (yeah, right) account of something that happened yesterday.

I'm going to write it as if it is directed at said person.

Click read more if you want to actually get into the gritty details. 

2011年9月15日 Face-book?

Yesterday at work I was thinking about Face-Book, and a reoccurring theme came back into my mind in regards to it:

• I am not happy when I log into FB. 

• I am disappointed with the vapid and facile commentary which not only disappoints me, but is also discouraging when I want to get to know that person. I don't mean commentary as a whole, but generally what is posted on FB as a whole. Of course, yes, I do like videos and what not, but most dialog is no different or about as intelligible as HS bullshit banter. 

• I am not happy with how I feel when using FB. 

• Using FB is a chore that only exploits my carefully organized and filed-away despondency.

I knew this was an eventuality for me, but frankly, I almost look at it as a blessing in disguise. I don't need to worry about things like this anymore and I don't feel like I'm disappearing by choosing not to worry or by allowing it to bother me so much. 

If anything, most people have my email or can get it through someone they know who knows me. I feel  that FB helps me acknowledge that there is growing distance between myself and some people. In most cases it's uncontrollable, because people at some point make a decision and take a path. Right or wrong. Good or bad. There is no grey area, and if there is, well there is a proverb for that one: Half a truth is the worst kind of lie.

Sure seeing pictures of this or that interesting, if not promising, yet to me it kind of negates the enjoyment of actually showing someone a photo album or emailing them to a friend. I suppose to me FB takes away the depth of friendship or otherwise that I would normally want.

On a side note, I notice that FB tends to push me towards tolerating other people's bullshit, until I am fed up and then I permanently hide their wall posts. I have done this with at least a 100 people out of a hundred and 150, maybe even higher than that. I am generally fed up with a person when they spam FB, complain, and yet do not want solutions presented to them. I believe the prior to be true, since after offering resolution, not in jest, several times towards people on their wall, I was blocked. No surprise there.

No doubts here about what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm complaining about FB, and so my solution is to remove it from my life. Let it be so. Does it matter? Yes and no. I suppose it depends on how one executes the ritual of removing it from one's life. Do you feel better using FB? Does it help with maintaining a degree of quality for your life? Or is it an escape? Do you substitute lurking as a medium to avoid people? If so, who are you alienating really? I think we're alienating ourselves, it's no wonder we're slowly becoming judgmental without confrontation, without responsibility. Maybe I'm wrong, but FB to me is like looking at the shadow of a shadow, of a shadow, and then saying, "Hey, this is my friend." Really?

With the same speed as someone who blocks another person on FB, I deleted my own account, without reservations other than those intended to spare pictures taken of me which I had no other way to access. At some point I will look back on my decision, and scoff that I actually needed a reason or rather, that I took the time to explain my reasoning. Maybe I won't.

There is so much work to do beyond this and it almost seems never ending.
More and more rituals. 

More and more tasks.

2011年9月13日 Running is not a sport

I told a co-worker that I said running is not a sport, because other players cannot affect another runner's ability to achieve his or her score, much like bowling, darts, or drinking.

She frowned at me, as if she was going to give up, since she could not or would not give either a rebuttal or rejection towards my opinion other than the classic, "Well I respect your opinion, but...." Not only did her train of thought end there. It fucking derailed with no survivors. I have not heard stupid shit like that since I last saw an efukt video (Never Safe For Work), that had dialog like this:

Camera dude: What's your name?
Black chick: Africa.

Camera: Africa? That's original. Did you come up with that on your own? Or was it because ebony and mocha were already taken?

His belittling goes on and on. And it's just that one chick in the video. 

It's quite funny, until I realized that many of these women are probably abusing drugs, are stupid, or just trying to pay for college tuition (which is probably the worst out of them all).

Anyhow, the point I wanted to make to my co-worker was that running isn't a sport. Yes it is exercise and yes it is a work out. So if running is a sport, then Tae-Bo must be a fucking super-sport? I want to ask her if she thinks what Richard Simmons does is a sport or not, or if yoga is a sport. Hell, with my coworker's lack of explanation of her logic, even Zumba is a sport!

I recall reading something like:

"There are only two sports: motor racing and bull fighting. Everything else is just a game."

Ernest Hemingway

I'd feel bad for my coworker, and her inability to explain why running is a sport, but frankly I can't feel bad for her. I know the more questions I have the faster she'll give up. What's worse is that if I didn't not have to know her, I would question her Vietnamese ancestry. Hell the Vietnamese fought for at least 10 years, and she's giving up in less than 10 minutes. I guess what confuses me is how she presented running to me.

She: *Sniffles*

Me: Are you okay?

She: I'm okay, it's just my immune system from all the miles.

Me: But don't you run to stay healthy? How does it make sense for you to be unhealthy because of running? Wouldn't you cut down your mileage?
She: It's not as bad as other people.

Wait. What the fuck? All of which I actually said, except for the "What the fuck?" First, if you're doing something to stay healthy and it makes your immune system weak, how the fuck does that make sense?

Seriously! And she looks at me like I'm an idiot for raising these questions.
No surprise she came up with no logical answers other than, "I really love running, and it's therapeutic." Which is a valid argument, but not when someone declares that they run (primarily) for health reasons. It wasn't until well after 7 minutes did she mention such. I will note that I did bring up chess and how that's a sport, and yet she said, "Well that's a mental sport."
Is not the brain an organ?
Don't you need organs for sports?
What happen's if a chicken's head is cut off?
Doesn't it run a marathon before dying?
It was a shame that she could not explain these things to me.

Yes I'm aware of what Wikipedia says:

"[A] sport is all forms of physical activity which, through casual or organised participation, aim to use, maintain or improve physical fitness and provide entertainment to participants." 

Sexual intercourse anyone? Going to church could be considered a sport if you went to one of those crazy black gospel churches where people are standing up dancing around... The point is that my opinion doesn't mean shit, actually her opinion matters since we're talking about shit she enjoys. The downside is she isn't even able to explain it clearly. Next time I'm going to tell people that yodeling is a sport. I'm sure it would be a sport if one was yodeling into the asshole of an elephant. Not sure if I would pay to see that.

It's a sport!

15 years from now I can just see my coworker: a candidate for a Darwin award. Hopefully at a monster truck (sports) show against Grave Digger.

2011年8月16日 Morning stiffies

Almost everyday I wake up with that throbbing stiffness. Unfortunately it is not due to a massive erection where both hands are required to subdue the beast. Rather it is that same on-going problem with my knee: PVNS. In this case, it is actually the post surgery physical therapy that is stressing my knee out. Yet, PVNS is still the original cause for the stiffness, albeit indirectly this time.

This morning I realized that I am just as bad as a Korean owned store owner: I'm a closet bigot, although I actually think Koreans are less closet about it than I am. My reasoning for this is simple. I don't trust white people, Indians, both the alcoholic ones and the ones that look like a sniper with laser sights have them targeted for a head-shot, most blacks who are not Pacific Northwest natives, Asian people who don't think Russians are Asians, and hipsters.

I thought about this on my way to work. It's not considered racist or bigoted to think white-trash people are low-life inbred mother fuckers, but when one says the same thing about blacks, OH MY G-D! We're all a bunch of racists! Then I thought about it. There isn't a clear-cut way to really separate blacks into sub-divisions or groups, like white people.

Coming from a guy whose ancestry
is Italian.

Is there hope? No, but there is love. That love forever goes to the magical group called, the "I'm an American, fuck off." group. This group does not tolerate "African-American," "Irish-American," "Jew-American," it's either "American" - and for those who can't say it correctly, we'll also take "I'm a 'Merican!" too - or get the fuck out.

The problem is that the diversity, to me, has allowed racism to explode further and in fact promotes it. I like diversity with certain things, especially with porno, guns, and beer, but I think the problem is that a lot, if not most of these communities refuse to allow a newcomer in. This is especially true with most eastern-Asians. You'll also notice that a lot of Asian families, regardless of how progressive they are, are almost totally against having whitey come in to the family, especially if he or she doesn't speak the language. Even then, they'll still be racist.

At the end of the day, or start rather, I am happy that I am not some guido-goomba-mick-bastard (see above picture). Am I stiff on this issue? Actually no. I just wish I wasn't the only person to be blamed. I know where I come from, and I know what labels apply. I'm a Caucasian, which is like being Asian, except they are without cauc. More importantly I'm an American citizen, which means my country has done more important things than some gold-medal Olympian from a country that is barely able to support anyone but the top 1 percent. How their country has pride, I have no idea. Am I angry?

Only for the double-standards, triple-standards, and being told it's not okay lecture a girl-friend or spouse, when that's what they've been doing the whole time!

This is why baseball is an important sport. It's not just going to be about one player the whole time, because that one player can't carry the team. Everyone has different skills, just like hot-wiring a stolen car, yes it is useful, but not here, at least not yet.

I also like the Chewbacca defense.

Race - with a big arrrR - isn't really the issue, it's when people use it as a defense mechanism for their own short-comings conversationally, or in the bed-room. Worse, it sucks, all 10 inches worth, when someone doesn't even bother to man the fuck up towards issues that bother them, race or otherwise, and then they blame those who are already comfortable. Since no one actually trusts anyone, nothing really gets done and things go to shit. Brought to you by nations still friends with France.

If anything my daily behavior is probably confusing. When I drive around blasting music I generally listen to country music and late 80's early 90's gangsta rap on the same CD. I also listen to metal often, and while I don't like mentioning it that often, when I'm driving at night on empty roads I listen to Gary Numan. What is confusing about this, is that when I'm listening to rap I generally wear an unbuttoned long-sleeve flannel shirt, and a trucker cap. Am I honoring diversity? Almost, I need a black-midget-pink-mohakwed-Jewish-SS-bolt-tattoo'd girlfriend and then I'm set. She also has to be wearing a sequin miniskirt.

I woke up too fucking early this morning.

And I still haven't had my coffee.

2011年8月14日 "But I did not shoot the deputy"

That may-be true, but you did stab his face with a pencil.

There are some people who believe that once you become a criminal, labeled as one through a conviction, or worse, jailed with charges later dropped/acquitted, you are forever labeled a criminal. In my opinion, these people are usually no different than most people, the only difference is that they were caught. 

The following article shows, to me at least, that even in captivity one can still maintain a degree of humanity. And I don't mean for the pictured fella below.

HILLSBORO [Oregon] -- A Washington County jail guard was stabbed in the face with a pencil Sunday by an inmate. 

Here's a picture of
the herpa derp who
attacked the deputy.

The deputy was in a jail wing when the inmate came up behind and stabbed him in the face, according to sheriff's office spokesman Sgt. David Thompson. 

During a fight with the inmate, three other inmates jumped in to help the deputy, Thompson said. A fifth inmate then joined the fight, attacking the deputy. Several more guards arrived and ended the fight, he said. 

Three other inmates jumped into help the deputy? Holy shit, that's ballsy.
I can't imagine these people are going to make a lot of new friends out in the yard. Nonetheless good-job for those three. Brown-nosing or not, stopping violence and violent cowardice of the attacker is commendable to some degree.

The report goes on to state that deputy is okay and safe.

No. Seriously, don't pick it up.

Ideally the jail staff should put Mr. Herpa D'Derpin in a cell with our friend here on the left.

We can tell from this picture that all our friend really wants is someone to listen to him, while he philosophizes about the quality of life or lack thereof.

As for the other guys who helped, well, whatever they did they're still doing time. And I say, let them do it, and let them come back into society. Assuming they're reading to come back into society.

It's a shame we do not have a conscript force like the Légion étrangère, although the rules have changed for the Legion, it would still be nice if the USA had their own version. 

So in lieu of resolution: let's blame this event on the real criminals like democrats, tea-party, republicans, Chuck Norris, Alex Jones, G-d, atheists, Ben Bernacke, arthritis, Obama, the movie Fight Club, Bush Jr., Abraham Lincoln, the movie The Notebook, Roosevelt (the first one), von Braun, and unborn white kids.

2011年8月9日 "Break it down. N. I. G. G. E. R,

Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger!" Blasting from the speakers of the car in front of New Seasons, on a busy Saturday afternoon. Some lady walking by with her kid made a face when Flavor Flav broke out on my FTP/Oldies CD. "Yes lady, he's saying 'Nigger, nigger, nigger....'" I thought. "Who cares? The point of the song is that he doesn't want to be called, 'Yo Niga.' I hope you teach your fucking kid that." I drove off smiling, but I made sure I pulled away slowly to give the pedestrians the full range of the cultural teachings that Flavor Flav offers. The highlight begins at around the 2 minute mark.

 

That was Saturday.

Sunday was worse. I woke up around 6am, which is something I do not want to do on Sunday. While I enjoy making money when possible, depending on the job - I ain't sucking dick for cash. The economy here isn't that bad. - I may work on my off days. Anyhow I worked nine and a half hours solid. Starting from 8 am until 5:30pm with two 15 minute breaks I was the world's greatest desk jockey. I had no book, except for the little mini-bible that I went to go get during my first break. And my phone isn't cool enough to look at porn, so pretty much I was stuck for 9 hours plus with me and the bible. It was pretty brutal for the first two hours, until I realized that reading all of Proverbs somehow could keep me awake. As for not even having a lunch, the state of Oregon has exceptions that makes this is legal somehow, and if it my boss gives me crap about working a lot of hours without a lunch break, I'll fight it.

The end result of Sunday compounded with some errands on Saturday was total exhaustion accompanied with pain in my knee. It felt like I needed a full day to recover, so I took Monday off.

This morning on the way to work I put my gangsta rap back on, and went about my business.

2011年8月1日 "We'll be back after these words"

Today the government just did something that changes nothing, except showing how gullible average people are nationwide. Great job assholes!

I almost feel like Bob Barker, I'm trying to understand what the hell just happened, and why congress (as contestants and viewers) are so happy about it.

Why the hell do they let left-handed people on The Price Is Right?

2011年7月31日 Work and government

My boss called me last Friday. I was happy since he told me he needed to know my schedule and what days I will be free to work. I told him I was pretty much ready to work everyday. Totally sweet I thought, until I looked at his schedule for the rest of the summer.

Absolutely nothing changed about my schedule whatsoever.

I was hoping to pick up someone's hours to make money so I can spend it on hookers and pot, but I'm under the impression that my boss doesn't want to give anyone 20 hours or more. On the upside, the swelling in my knee has gone down, even though I'm still gimping around.

Honestly I'm just looking forward to getting something done this summer, even if it's a meager allowance of work. So far the worst part of the summer is that I haven't even had a full day of physical sunshine on my body since the surgery.

I'm voting for the former.

As for the debt ceiling, blah blah blah, it was figured out, although somehow we still have debt, so not much change there, or at least any that . The funny part is how the markets for gold right now are open, and yet the gold index hasn't changed much except for a small ten to twelve dollar drop in price per ounce.  

Nothing is going to change, crude oil is still near or at $100 per barrel, the yen is fudge-packing the dollar (right now 77 yen to one US dollar), and most of our politicians still think it's appropriate to cut some services for poor people. This one goes out to our special friends in the government.

EDIT, okay a deal has been reached, but nothing so far appears to be set in stone. Who knows what Monday will bring? Hopefully tacos and a coke.

When things in life go to hell or begin to suck, I remind myself to go outside, take a breather, and have a Coke. I'm sure I will do this when World War 3 happens, or the next time some chick says, "I love you."

2011年7月30日 Public Transit

In the news: 

An 84-year-old woman was severely beaten at a MAX station leaving her bruised, a deep cut to her head and a broken nose. 

Muriel, who did not want her last name used, was sitting on a bench at the Cleveland Avenue stop waiting for a bus when police say 19-year-old Cordarius Deshawn Jeffreys came up to Muriel and repeatedly punched her in the head with closed fists. 

“He would come right at you and just sit there for just a second and then put out (his hands) start beating your head as hard as he can. That’s what he did,” Muriel said. 

Police said Jeffreys was harassing women at the MAX stop just before 2:30 p.m. Wednesday.

More bullshit on the issue here.

I have serious questions regarding this issue:

1. Seriously? 
2. At 2:30pm an 84 year old woman gets beat down? 
3. Seriously? 
4. What the hell is up with that shit?

When I first saw the article I was like, "I bet this is in Gresham." Low and behold, I was right. So really it all makes sense now. Gresham is not a safe place for 84 year old women. 

Another woman was hurt while trying to help defend Muriel but not nearly so badly. 

After the attack, police said Jeffreys walked off the MAX platform. When police confronted him, they say Jeffreys resisted arrest and they had to deploy a Taser to subdue him.

Wait, what the fuck? No one except another woman went to help? How the hell does that make sense?

Example on why it does not make sense, and here's a Hollywood version of what happened:

Enter assailant: "Hi, I'm a young angry black man. I grew up under rough conditions, and because society doesn't understand me I'm going to beat old Jewish women."

Enter only witness-to-do-something-other-than-watching: "Hello, I'm just an average woman who thinks women's lib means we're all equal. I don't believe in violence, but I need to do something to stop this guy."

Enter police after do-something-other-than-watching woman fails: "We're the police, we like shooting people because we're all republicans who hate democrats, blacks, and homosexual animals. Let's tazer him, bro!"

No this isn't a movie I would end up actually watching, but yes I would wiki it then read the plot with my "meh"-face. I'm totally disappointed that NO ONE manned up for the Jew-lady.

If by this point you think I'm over-reacting, look at KGW's article on the issue:

"He started beating on me," said Muriel.  "On my head, on my head, as hard as he could go."

Muriel suffered a broken nose, bruises around her eyes, and a cut on her head.  Witnesses estimate she was hit nearly 20 times.

"I thought I was going to die," said Muriel.

At least the witnesses can count.

This guy can count too!

The only realistic questions I have at this point are pretty much the same as a guy* who posted a comment on the issue, 

"Just curious. If someone was leagally [sic] carrying a handgun and this was going on in front of him, would using a firearm in that case be legal?? Law mentions things like eminent danger of you or someone around you. A guy[*] like that could easily kill an old woman with his fists, but I wonder if you did pop a couple rounds into him, would you be the one in jail?"

*Yes it's a guy, it's always a guy. Or a butch lesbian, who also doubles as a FTM guy on Craigslist's casual encounters.

So much for going green with riding the light-rail, train, bus, and endangered animals. I thought this shit was supposed to be worth it.