2011年9月29日 It's harder + The Dapl

I woke up around 7am thinking I had plenty of time to eat breakfast and make morning services at shul. And yet I ended up being slightly on time, which to others doesn't mean jack, since people came and went at will. Even in the middle of the service! Anyhow, I had NO IDEA the service was going to be 5 hours long, without a break. Damn.

One of the points that was addressed was the following:

Given a choice, it is better to die than:

• Rape someone or commit incest.
• Kill someone.
• Worship other gods or idolatry.

Surprisingly these things make sense to me. The rabbi went on about how technology and being connected sometimes negates our connection with ours or ourselves. Yes we can text at the dinner table when it's with our family, or updating one's status in the middle of the marriage ceremony [link].

What is idolatry? I worship a pillar or golden statue? To westerners this seems like a joke, yet people in the world STILL do this! Just look at Kamakura as an example. Worse, maybe it's not so clear now that things have changed for us, maybe it's not clear now that technology and society around us has changed. We're worshiping money, careers, and becoming a slave to those things all the while. Whether or not we're successful matters more to us than God.

Last night someone brought up, and said something about being a Jew and not being religious or believe in "God." I was wondering, but didn't say, 

"How the fuck are you a Jew then?   

Why did you even bother to cover your head as you lit those candles? 

Why should I wear a yarmulke?

How is it any different to worship your stuff or success as if it's a golden calf?

Why should ANYONE who wants to convert to be a Jew have to do it religiously then? Especially when you're not."

I wondered how some of them could say "Jews for Jesus" are not Jews, and yet the atheists among them, and agnostics could say even if G-d exists they wouldn't believe Him anyhow. I couldn't understand how it made sense for them to differentiate themselves from others. I'm not a Jew, and yet comparatively I could feel a certain degree of tension from them as I said I try my best to keep kosher and do my best to keep shabbos as holy as possible, except for driving. If I can light candles on shabbat, I can light gasoline on fire with the turn of a key. That's not work to me when I really enjoy it or am I using money, etc. I keep my phone off, I don't use email, I don't turn on a T.V., I don't do intense cooking. Blah blah blah. I felt bad for them. I felt bad for myself. Am I just wasting time? What's the point? Again, I felt like the question, "Who is a Jew?" Needed to be answered. Some of them did not keep kosher, nor did that really matter to me (whether or not they did), yet worst of all some did not believe "God" existed, yet they celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, and Passover, and even more.

On a side note, I have made it a point that I could eat at Subway if I told them NOT to use the same knife to cut my food as others, i.e. "Could you use a clean knife?" No diary with meat, which is easy since I don't like cheese. And Jew stuff can be really cheesy. Anyhow, I learned all this from Fig when he brought up his friend eating at Subway. At first I was thinking, "Nah I won't do that." But now I'm wondering how far I can bend the rules, just like a real Jew. Refer to Jacob, the Jew who basically told G-d "Help me and I'll believe in you! If not, I won't!" 

Okay back on the topic. "Culturally Jewish." Is a term that I want to banish to the back of my mind. Unlike Christmas which has been bastardized, violated, and commercialized I almost see no difference with those Jews. They're just like people who celebrate Christmas, yet claim "The Bible" and "Jesus" are all bullshit anyhow. And sure, why not, it's just a commercial holiday now, but those who celebrate it aren't just Christians. Yet with Rosh Hashanah it's Jews, even if they don't believe in G-d. Which to me makes absolutely no sense. 

I have wondered at times if Fig could be considered a Jew since he's celebrated Christmas and what not. In fact I have told Fig that he's not a Jew, even if the State of Israel would allow him citizenship (regardless of whether or not he has it or not). As far as I'm concerned with Christmas and Christianity, I won't even go into a church. Even if a family member was getting married there or actually more depressing a close friend wants me to attend a wedding and it's not Jewish.

What would I do? 

I wouldn't go. 

I have to give these things up. Not because I am obligated to, but because the desire to be a Jew requires such. But with someone who claims to be "born a Jew" they could basically do whatever they want (at least here in America), and still fall back on blood, which something some of them don't even recognize to begin with, as some basically say they don't believe in G-d. Who the fuck made the Jews? They wouldn't even exist without that foundation, not as Jews and not as a society with its present and past values.

Humility

I was told today, by an older Jewish man, who was my host for a Rosh Hashanah luncheon (the second of three - one on Wednesday night with the Silverdrivers, one today with the Tailors, and one tomorrow with Cabletons*- hosted meals), well anyway he says something like, "It's always interesting to me that converted Jews are more observant, if not more than those who are born into it."

*Ladies and gentlemen: the story you just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Before the end of service today, I bowed symbolically to acknowledge to G-d I am totally responsible for my own sins and goodness. Some people got on the ground to prostrate themselves to a higher degree. I'm not a Jew, but I did get my neck low enough so it could have been severed with ease.

Is it really harder knowing people feel that way? No, it's not. What's harder is the other stuff.

I wonder everyday as I go to services (although not everyday), when I read the Torah, pray, and when reflect on my life, how much I have to give up. I'm wondering if I'm giving up too much, or not at all. Maybe I'm losing so much more than just Christmas and my, most of the time, loathsome extended family on my mother's side. I do wonder. There must be no sense of entitlement.

Not a good idea.

Dapl called me the other night and he expressed how depressed he was about life. This time it did not seem like a cry for help, but rather just acknowledgement that life genuinely does suck and that he can't deal with it anymore. I thought of Budd Dwyer immediately. It didn't turn out well for Dwyer. I thought about Dapl moving to Montana, if he even gets there, since he's having trouble getting himself there with his stuff. I have a feeling he's either going to get through this, although it's going to grey his hair a little bit more, or he's going to kill himself over the stress. I'm serious. 

I wonder what Fig's take would be, as I know what Fozzjnen's take would be, "Wakka-wakka."

Do you wonder how we came to be here? 

Do you wonder if we could find us from here? 

Look inside. Do you feel anything but bitter? 

Anything but sad and lost? -GN

Sometimes I do. 

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I do feel like making the decision to be with G-d,
makes me lose things that I will never have ever again.