2011年10月2日 Shabbat Dreams, they last after I wake up

After shul I usually take a nap, since I'm not going to use a computer, phone, etc. I'll watch TV if it's left on, but I would not turn it on just to watch it. I usually enjoy sleeping, and dreaming, so it's kind of a bonus to have encouragement to due such.

Today's nap was kind of disturbing. I had a dream that reminded me of a large field, almost the same size of a football field, yet indoors. There were obstacles around the field to conceal oneself, etc. In a sense it looked like 2-fort on Team Fortress Classic, except without a moat, buildings, or a bridge.

I was on a "team" if you could call it that, consisting of mainly Japanese people who were college aged. They gave me some orders, to which I ignored, and then I went off to do my own thing. They didn't seem happy, but given what they ordered me to do, I felt totally useless. Although I can't remember what they wanted me to do. I think I spent most of my time watching the field from a concealed position where I could observe my "base" and the backs of the "enemies". I could have been flanked, but my position was awkward and of no use offensively for my team, other than passively. I remember tackling someone, and at some point the game concluded. I was bothered by some of the Japanese guys for my behavior or theirs, I can't remember, but I shrugged it off. 

What bothers me about this dream isn't that I have playing a first person shooter games, as I haven't in over a month, but rather what bothers me is that I actively thought about how different and apart from the Japanese I was in my dream and in real life. In my dream I thought about that in real life I have no Japanese friends. I have no one I could say I am extremely close with beyond quid pro quo. And honestly, I didn't know why. I could come up with bullshit intellectual reasons as to why we're different, blah blah blah. Culture this, culture that, but then I thought about other people whom I cared about, people further away than Japan. People from other parts of the world. And I love them, and I care about them. Yet the Japanese, I felt nothing for.

Then she came into my dream: my ex-(Japanese)-girlfriend, whom I'll refer to as Cake, which is kind of funny since real cake to me in general is kind of hit or miss, nor am I a big fan of such. I just picked "Cake" because "restricted" seemed to be more aggressive, if not dis-respective. 

I was actually surprised as happy to see her. She seemed casually indifferent, neither happy or sad to see me, yet greeted with me cordial mannerisms. I wasn't sure how else to talk to Cake other than the expected cordial, yet banal, set phrases in English and in Japanese. Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I realized that I most likely will never see her again or have a chance talk to her, but this didn't bother me a bit. What really-really bothered me, was that in my dream even after waking up, I felt as if I could call her a friend. So naturally it bothered me when I felt as if I had a Japanese friend, or rather a friend at all for that matter, but then I was coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't be one. And all avenues for that were gone. It was like visiting ruins that weren't worth visiting. Being hungry, and realizing no amount of food would change a thing. Trust between us died at some point, and after such a deep investment, regardless of what happened, a part of us died too.

I felt cold for a brief moment. Physically I was quite warm, although I had no blanket. Waking up wasn't something that was alien. Alien was waking up and adjusting to the loud noises, which surprisingly was not the reason for me waking up. My dreams were deep enough to have their own sound filters. I heard nothing else but the dreams, well, until I woke up. Duh.

I felt cold that even if she was my friend now, we were different people. I felt bad she would not know who I am. Maybe it's not for me to decide that, but I feel as if the person during those times - me - would not recognize the one writing this now.

Did I change that much? 

Did she? 

Would I still make sacrifices for her? 

Would she?

Did I die inside that much? 

Did she?

Is she happy about the same things from yesterday to today? 

Am I? 

"No, I'm not." 
But I won't change the past with the feelings of today or tomorrow, although I will allow facts to embellish the blurry sections of history, I will not allow such to manipulate the feelings of the past. 

I'd really like to believe that I won't allow it, but I am not sure if I have the desired discipline I revere so much.

"You're not happy at all, at least not about those things when you look back." 

I'm not angry either.  

"Everything you did, regardless of right or wrong, when you did a 100 percent you did not always get the final results you wanted."

I know. But we're not supposed to like it.

"I know."

I never liked dealing with issues where no one wins. I never liked watching people cut themselves off. They could have cut me, they could have hurt me. Making me bleed. All of it out. I was, nor am, ever happy to have them cut me, only to hurt themselves in the process. I can deal with the pain. - Really?- But I can't, or rather I have difficult, knowing they have theirs. Yet I still have seen some of them die a bit inside. 

For what, I don't know. Nor, am I supposed to know, I imagine.

"Do they?"

And yet people laughed at me, when I said was afraid of watching people die inside.

And yet people ignored me, when I said I wanted to grow.

"Good for you." I could hear words say. Just like them I could really only remember the bad things I did, and while I didn't want to appear as a braggart, I could almost see nothing with myself in terms of merits beyond intellectual or spiritual, and because of those things I couldn't actually put them on a resume. At least one that isn't being mailed to G-d. I don't even know if growing helps. Going higher and higher, only to have less oxygen at my disposal. Growth.

After that dream, I wondered if it was possible.

I wondered if the rain actually helped.

Before all this I wondered about G-d, wondering if He is going to come down and help. Only now, at the time I write this, do I realize that going to Him is like joining the Marine Corps 40 years ago: you must be broken, so that you can be rebuilt. It's not going to be overnight, it's not going to be easy, and it can't be without some degree or foundation of love. Even though at times I feel cold-hearted and uncaring. I'm sure some answers will come. Today's answer was in my Siddur (Sim Shalom). I think it refered to Psalm 147:3, but I don't know for sure. 

I'm not alone in being distracted!

In my situation, I have accepted that there are many things that distract me. Sometimes I see something, and I forget to take into account the situation that I am in. I'm not sure how else to express such frustration. I don't believe I'm avoiding my own situation, it's just that I do not value such, or rather I would not want to put my being and situations requiring such, above another's, unless it - another's lot - becomes problematic as in abusive or destructive for them. Gauging these things seems arbitrary, but necessary and unnecessary at the same time. I wonder about my lot in life. Sometimes, at least on a daily basis, I find something that is regrettable, yet I rarely ever find something that is never-regrettable, outside of love and friendship. As a result, when I think of the latter of those, I become distracted and avoid the trivial structures and foundations of societies.

It seems I am still dreaming, well after I wake up.