2011年10月15日 Anger 'n' stuff

Today with קבע (Keva), or rather עשה תורתך קבע, I realized that when asking someone for forgiveness it also depends on whether or not that person is capable of forgiveness.

Sfat Emet (Yehuda Aryeh Leib 1847-1905) Poland 

The commandment of sukkah comes after the Day of Atonement. It is said that "only your sins (wrong-doings) separate you from your G-d" (Is. 59.2). So now that they have been purified of sin, the separation has been taken away. Some sins cause separation of the unity of the person and his fellow-man; this is "separate you" in the limited sense. Other bring about separation between man and G-d.

On Sukkot all becomes one and all the souls of Israel unite. This is pointed to by the four species [representing various types of souls,] all joined in one grouping. And the sukkah joins the souls of Israel to be one with their Father in Heaven. That is why it is called "the holiday of ingathering."

5:236

Yesterday on Friday, before shabbat began, I tried to meet someone I haven't met in several months. Maybe five or six. My intention was to apologize. He didn't show. I started thinking about why he wouldn't show up. Anger most likely.

I remember writing about him a lot, and talking about his anger as a weakness. I thought about two things he specified to me in an email,

"I know more than you think about this whole situation, and I know that you just wish I wasn't a part of the equation."

He never talked with me about such. And when he did it was practically a month or so after the fact, by then I had more or less moved on. And to say he knows what I wish for? How does he know what I want? Did he know what I wanted him to forgive me and let go of his hate? Does he know what I've been saying for well over a year and then some? Does he know that due my insistence on a certain issue, according to someone else, he has something special with someone?

And,

"I can go on about it, but I'm not interested in 'discussing' this any further. I tried, I really did, to give you a few shots."

Uh? Yeah maybe... No. No he didn't. In fact, even this last message from him, still had the same ol' three week plus delay to it. I more or less gave up too, which was my fault and giving up was a mistake. I had my reasons. His anger for one. Absolutely no progress would be made if he decided to justify his anger. Vengeance isn't justice. And at the same time, I was kind of hoping for it. That's why I wanted to meet him yesterday. I wanted to explain to him, that there are many things in life that I could give a rats ass for, money, life, shelter, etc. I didn't need those things at all.

Drinking?
Problem solved

I wasn't born with a good family. But when I got to pick my own I started to feel there is a higher degree responsibility to that, one where I would unconditionally try to be there for my created family of friends, regardless of what happens. Did I want to be forgiven? Why not? But frankly what bothered me was that his anger was just going to consume him and make him insecure. He'd blame me of course, one hundred percent. I'm used to taking that kind of heat. Though I am bothered he didn't show up. And though I wanted to ask, I couldn't ask him if he felt he needed his anger or not, to feel like a better person or whatever his reasons were.

Distractions continued this morning while praying when I thought about how his anger would get in the way of his "heart and soul." How can anyone really love someone with all their heart and soul and still feel comfortable enough to have room for anger and wrath? Is it really love at that point or just greed? 

No fucking point in being here.

Part of me knew that him coming to meet me yesterday would have been extremely hard for him. I wonder if I could have said something, in some manner, to make him violent? It would have proven my case, and it would have made me right. But I don't like being right about these kind of things, and I'm usually disappointed that my theories on certain issues have the potential to be correct. It almost makes being here, where we live, fucking pointless.

"You'd better feel guilty about not only how you felt about the situation, but what you continued to do even after you knew it was very wrong."

Nothing I can do [...]
would change anything
for him.

I better feel guilty? Actually I feel sorry for him. It's clear by his writing that his anger is unending. Nothing I can do, even if I felt "guilty", would change anything for him. He can barely even mention what was wrong, in fact he almost doesn't. If there were some way for me to apologize so that he could lose his anger from consuming him, I'd be doing it. Outside of suicide, I realize nothing really will stop his anger. But I almost feel like he'd be happy if I did such, just so he could demonize that kind of action further. Without asking him these questions and getting direct answers, I know it's just speculation, just like the stock-market.

It would be easier if there was something that could be done, but really I don't think there can be anything to be done. I can't solve this issue, not alone, and it runs deep. Also, I'm not sure the solution will come unless everyone is on board of the U.S.S. Forgiveness.

At shul, I thought about these things. I thought about how detached I was from my fellow man in my sins, even though the rabbi's wife had just grabbed my hand, pulling me into a large train and soon to be circle of women who were dancing and celebrating. Next time I'll sit where she can't get me so easily. And yet, I wondered about how anger - though wrath is G-d's alone, - can detach us from one another. I felt detached today at shul, just a little bit, but it was enough to say that I am detached. I wonder if people use love as a way to "escape" their anger, rather than letting it go? Finding love to avoid problems at home? Finding love to avoid problems of the heart and mind?

I wonder if that love is actually freedom, or if the love is an escape to avoid hidden wrath? Hidden sins (wrong-doings), while hidden, still detach us from one another. Would there be unity in my life-time? Would I ever be in the gathering of love, without some kind of avarice towards love? I think it's possible, but not for someone like me. I think it's possible to love without avoiding one's truest self with others. To love just enough, unlimited amounts, to where we cannot have hate and anger rule our lives. Anger isn't ours, and as Leviticus 19:18 (NIV) states,

"‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD [you bitches].

He's not talking about the Barry White kind of love.

So when today finished at shul, I thought about that guy who was hell-bent with anger.

How can anyone genuinely accept an apology of sincerity, if they don't even want to forgive? When I got in the car, the radio came on and my thoughts drifted. Once again had too many questions with few answers. Waiting at the light to turn left onto the highway, my thoughts came back, "They can't." 

So I went home to take a nap.