After business was handled I got back on the road concluding my thoughts of the day. Slick as high-hell from the rain, I cautiously stayed in the empty right lane of the road, moving from the empty left. The air was misty from the wet heat on the ground, and slicing through the overcast was a crooked-looking moon, well lit with a nice bleached eggshell color. The crisp air, almost like a salted cracker, smelled like burnt wood on a dry winter night.
I thought about the business of the week, I thought about the feelings of forever, and the memories of tomorrow. What did it take for a man to want to fight God for love? I knew what it took, and yet it troubled me that I was reminded of this feeling. Not that it was my own feeling, but the declaration of another's feelings. I knew what was being said. And while he didn't know, I did. You gotta' stop thinking about this. I pulled over for some coffee to distract myself from these questions, and I began to mull over a separate case I had been neglecting.
"How could anyone else come close to these feelings?"
"Excus- Are you talking to me?"
I saw the confused woman looking at me, as if I was insane for saying such so openly. Waving her off with my I feigned stupidity, as I walked out with coffee in hand. The woman went back to her laptop ignoring me just as quickly as I broke her silence. I really have to stop talking to myself out-loud. Yet how could I? I couldn't help but think more and more about those deep feelings. The feelings that no one would ever understand, unless they felt the same exact way. I couldn't help but want to alienate and distance myself from such. It was too painful for me to think about my own issues let alone another's empathetically. And that's why you have the job you have.
On the way back, I saw a shadowy dog figure run in front of the car. I came to a stop. The figure stopped along side of the road. I grabbed the flashlight from the center console and shone it on creature. To my surprise it was a coyote. A big one too. With the light on him, he took off over a berm. I tracked him with the powerful light when he reappeared. He stopped again and looked back at me, then ran further away into the dark industrial area. I put the flash light away and continued on.
Did the coyote stop in fear? Curiosity? It doesn't matter as it still ran away. I doubted that the coyote would ever love enough to negate hate or to fight God, knowing it would lose. That's because it's an animal. Deep down I knew the world I lived in was full of such animals. Many of whom are clients. I was not happy as I got back to the office, and like most evenings when such happened, I looked at the oldest crow I knew. Amorally the bottle waited for me. Morally I knew I had a choice, and I did not care one bit as I sinned my way towards an escape. Before passing out in the chair I made a point to take my shoes off and place them near the office door.
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