2011年8月29日 Tenderness

I can't identify which is worse: doing nothing but sitting, or making my leg go straight. When I sit for more than an hour my leg hurts a bit. When I make my leg straight as possible, I can just feel all of my energy draining from my body, emotional too. 

In the past I would want to take a large hammer and... But this feeling also drains me  from having thoughts like that. When I mean draining, I mean exhaustion. That's how it feels. It feels like I found the exhaustion button and I'm pressing it.

PT is tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that.

It depresses me that a total stranger is going to be more motivation for me than my own family or friends regarding this issue. I suppose this is why we need physical therapists, because part of there job is to be that safe and secure person who wants the patient to actually recover, whereas psychologists want to exploit* the victimization of a person so that they have a strong (and sometimes interesting) client base.

*Just kidding, for now anyway.

Aftermath.

I wrote this a few hours ago after getting to work, then I realized after getting out of the desk and standing in a single position without moving more than a foot or so per hour was just worse. The constant standing without much continuous movement is just too damn draining.

I have half a mind to change the title of this entry to "Fuck" #004.

2011年8月28日 Ignorant

What I really wanted to say was something more like, "Are you seriously such an ignorant bitch? What kind of fucking moron says that to a 3 year old kid? Let alone their own?" I couldn't believe what she said, 

"Fine if you don't want to go home, I'm leaving you here. If you're going to treat me like shit why should I care about you." 

She spoke without any hesitation and stormed out of my mom's apartment faster than the German (and Russian) invasion of Poland. I looked over at her son who, while visibly devastated, did not chase after her.

I couldn't believe my sister. Rather, I did not want to believe that she was cold enough to say that she didn't care about her children if they didn't listen to her. I knew the stress of her life was bad, but penalizing a 3 year old kid as if he is a grown man seemed childish and idiotic.

"If you're going to treat me like shit
why should I care about you."

My nephew stared at me briefly and frowned shaking his head when I told him he had to go home. He didn't care about his mom, and it was his way of coping with what she said to him. I have no doubt in my mind she has said similar things on more than one occasion. I wanted to vomit. I wanted not to know them at all.

When they finally left, I realized nothing changed except it got quieter. Even with all the silence in the room, I could still feel the anger and frustration in the air. It bogged down my feelings. I didn't feel much cleaner after a shower, but I was happy that she had left.

2011年8月27日 A man

Over the phone I heard a friend talk to me about a man.

This man on his way back from a business trip in Europe, for some reason or another decided to hop a fence. What he did not know was that the other-side had a three-foot drop. What he did not expect, nor myself when I heard this from my friend, was the pyramid-shaped top of a rock that assisted in breaking and shattering his ankle as he lost his footing.

The drugs feel good and helped this man say things to my friend where quite entertaining, yet my friend told me that the devastating nature of this accident could inherently affect this man's quality of life for a long, long time. I listened over the phone looking at the ground, trying to avoid looking at my own leg. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

When the doctor came in he informed the man that he must not use his ankle, and that it could be up to a year or longer before he is allowed to walk on it. For a man on constant business overseas it is inconceivable that he will realistically continue his work as if it is done in a normal function or at all. A man, this man, who most likely takes much pride is in work, to be told that he will be unable to do such for a year or longer, is an emotional and intellectual prison sentence.

I don't know this man, we had never met, and I don't assume to know his personal circumstances, but when I looked out from shoddy office window I could not help but cringe for him. Losing such work. Losing oneself. I didn't have my own family like this man, nor did I expect to in the line of work I was involved with, yet unlike the man and his constant business, I could not imagine the emotional difficulties he and his family were going to face. If they've faced challenges like this before, they ought to know the drill by now. 

"Would you want to go back? [...]
No."

Glancing away from the window to my desk I only noticed the one thing that comes close to this situation, okay, maybe by a fifth. Actually I was out of bourbon at this point, with the exception of what was left in the tumbler I was holding. I hadn't had any significant progress with my current investigations, since a few weeks ago. And although I did meet with an old friend, and when necessary a client, I felt my reclusive side was coming out again. The corner of my eye caught the reflection on a picture hanging by my shitty, and obviously broken, bookcase. Just some friends from several years ago. We all had smiling faces. The same stupid ones you see on people in their early twenties with their invincible ignorance and pride. Will he get himself back? Would you want to go back? I said to the picture, hearing my own words. No.

I only know two things that would help this man and his pain: humor and if he does it, writing. If writing is too tedious he ought to at least enjoy conversation. I thought moving to sit. I wonder when he can go back to work? Will there work for him? Will he get his job back? I knew better than to focus on the unrealistic nature of the future, as that was something my clients get to do before, and sometimes when, they hire me. I don't know what I would say to this man, and I don't know what I would want to happen. But I know things aren't going to be the same. Nor do you want them to be, do you? Thinking of my own experiences, I could not help that even the worst of events somehow make us better.

How can you really believe that? What about the binding of Isaac?

What about it? Countered at myself.

Frowning, I refocused my attention. Nothing is solved without patience. And that goes for you too. I griped under my breath looking down at my bourbon in hand, using my open hand to stroke my hair back. I have you. We know the rules, and you won't leave me if I want you to stay. For a moment I expected the crow on the bottle's label to reply, but nothing happened.

2011年8月26日 No respect

Yesterday on the train the other day a young woman, around 15-19 years of age, sat across from me. Her skin was a milk-brown in color, she wore a short dress, and had fire-red hair in a small pony tail. What bothered me was noise she was generating, which prompted me to look over at her. 

She didn't move her eyes on me, but had them fixed in my general direction. Her mouth moved as if she was chewing on what I thought was her visible tongue piercing, but that wasn't it. It was g-ddamned sunflower seeds. I looked away trying to ignore that sound. Then I thought about it, don't those seeds have a shell? Where the hell are all of those going?  

As soon as I looked back I noticed she was just throwing the empty shells on the floor of the train. I was going to say something, but I realized there was no solution, other than telling her that she has no respect for the train or others. I didn't have any plastic bags to offer her or anything to at least negotiate with, and bitching at her would probably make me the bad guy, because I'm white and she's black.

I cringed while swearing in my mind, and of course I was grateful that she got off at the nearest stop after I noticed her disgusting and disrespecting habit. Watching her step off the train from my window, I pursed my lips as I thought GTFO.

2011年8月25日 Early

I might as well change my name to it, since I'm getting up at around that time.

Waking up early in the morning has been somewhat detrimental towards my health. For one, unless I'm asleep at 10pm, I feel like total shit in the morning. Even now, it's been easily 3 and a half hours since I've been up, but I'm still pretty spent. It's possible I'm not sleeping well due to stress, I still feel sleepy. Really sleepy.

In other news.
I read something that most people would find disturbing, depressing, and just down right wrong. I read somewhere that Jews aren't allowed to attend religious ceremonies other than Jew ones, which basically means if someone was a Jew and their sister was getting married in a Catholic Church, that Jew person couldn't go.

That's pretty hardcore, and for good measure, as hardcore anything, porn included, is generally for the more serious bunch of the human race anyhow.

2011年8月23日 Miracles

I don't believe in them.

The short version is that I was more or less kicked out of my mom's apartment, in the middle of my recovery, and with nowhere really to go. It wasn't even her choice, nor did she really have one, which bothered her.

Somehow I did luck out and now I'm staying with my aunt on the other side of Portland. I often see black people, which surprises me since the side of Portland and beyond has very few.

Happenings in my brain.

It's further away from anything I'm remotely familiar with, and I have to get up and leave significantly earlier than I'd like, but it seems to be not that bad. So far.

I woke up around 4:50 AM so I could get to work on time, which actually translates to early. Even when Wainwright and I lived together, I often liked to get to work early.

As for the morning, cheap musk trying its best to conceal the odor of malt liquor at 5:50am reminded me of several things. Then the creature sat in front of me, and no surprise, but the horrible lingering scent of cheap cigarettes dominated the air around me, and removed the previous less promising smells that accompanied him. Just sitting there, I felt as if the stench from the man's clothes would transfer to mine. I cringed and looked forward, counting the black people who got on the bus (excluding the driver).

I'm surrounded
By old stories
With nowhere to hide 

I could show you these ugly things and ugly people. I could show you how to live like them. Then I could show you how to hate them. But I just want to forget about that, I just want to file it away never to be used again.

Wait, what kind of coke
are we talking about?

When I got to work I was easily 30 minutes earlier than my regular, but it couldn't be helped anymore than that realistically.

I don't feel anything in regards to myself right now. My knee is still bothering me, still not much below 90 degrees. I don't sleep well because of it, but I don't care much beyond getting a good night's rest right now. I don't want to have any sense of entitlement regarding any issue right now, and so far I don't really feel entitled to anything.

However, I do want a Coke.

And that bitchin' Camaro that I wish Jesus had.

2011年8月21日 Life goes on...

But is it worth it? I've often wondered about that regarding life.

Is is really worth it to get into town at this point?

2011年8月19日 Shower thoughts 001

I was in the shower this morning wondering about Jesus and why the Jews don't accept him as the messiah. If you're a non-believer, atheist, Odin, Thor, Chuck Norris, or  Jew I can understand.

Stereotypes ahead.

Here's why:

1.  It does not make sense to Jews that Jesus was a carpenter. Now if Jesus was say, an investment banker, fuck yes the Jews would be all over him as the Son of G-d.
   
2. "Yo Jesus, your ride sucks man." Seriously, on a donkey? I bet if Jesus had a bitchin' Camaro the Jews would have been like, "Holy Christmas Jew, this is awesome!"
   

   

   Accurate representation of
   high-class vehicles in antiquity.

   
   
3. Same problem as no. 1, Jesus can walk on water, but nothing about matzah or challah receipes?!
   
   
4. If Jesus can turn water into wine, why can't he turn dirt into money?
   
   
5. A poor blind man is healed by Jesus. How the hell does that help the dude? He's still poor!
   
   
6. Jesus is said to have have the ability to break a few loaves of bread and fish into multiple pieces, so much so that there was a surplus of food for over 3,999 people. This explains the concept of welfare in America. Thanks Jesus.
   
   
7. Jews associate the behavior of Jesus to Ron Paul, Jesus did not like bankers/money-lenders in the Holy Temple. Ron Paul does not like the Federal Reserve's grip on America. Things didn't end well for Jesus. Who is Ron Paul again?
   
   
8. How come Jesus didn't have any Jew-gold?
   

   

   Seriously.

   
   
9. Jews probably would have believed in Jesus if he died on a  giant dreidel.
   
   
10. How come when Jesus was being accused of crimes, he did not hire a Jewish lawyer?
    
    
11. Jesus was bad for the economy because he could use Jew-magic to produce gold in the mouths of fish (Matthew 17:24-27).
    
    
12. (Continued thought from above) Did I forget to mention Jesus' friends were fishermen? Is this like the Jew version of Casino or something? No wonder Jews don't believe in him, he takes gold from the mouth of fish, when he could use using it for investment banking. Since Christians claim he is the beginning and the end, why didn't he magically buy a Camaro?

That about sums it up for now.
As for a bitchin' Camaro, it goes something like this.

2011年8月18日 You should have goals

When I drive around I listen to loud music, in fact, I think I'm losing my hearing to the awesomeness of having a sub-woofer. Anyhow, none that really matters, what really matters is having goals with this sub-woofer. This is Fozzjnen's fault to the max.

My objective is simple, play loud music that is annoying and use my first amendment rights as a way to express such. No it's not protesting, because believe I need a permit for that.

How it's done:

1. All windows must be down
2. Music must be clear and audible
3. Deliberate driving
4. A smiling or smirk-like face, nothing exaggerated

So here's the list (with links):

• [X] Driving slowly by people who are seating playing gangsta rap filled with Flavor Flav. Only applies if "niga" (i.e. nigger) is being used every 2 seconds for the majority of the song (1/3).
• [X] Play Fuck the Police by NWA, while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car
• [  ] Play Cop Killer by Body Count, while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car
• [X] Play ANY Barry White song, while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car
• [X] Play the opening of Chimaira's The Flame, next to the open window of a car operated by a woman.
• [  ] Playing the Mister Roger's theme song next to a day care center or woman walking with small children.
• [  ] Playing the Exploited's Sex and Violence, while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car.
• [  ] Playing the same as above, except only with cars positioned parallel with each other and with women.
• [  ] Playing Otthere Brothers' I Wanna Fuck You In The Ass, while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car.
• [  ] Playing the same as above, except only with cars positioned parallel with each other and with elderly women.
• [  ] Playing The Price Is Right fail horn, and then immediately playing The Price Is Right theme, when someone starts at me, while our cars are parallel with each other.
• [  ] Playing Johnny Rebel's Some Niggers Never Die, They Just Smell That way directed at walking pedestrians. I actually don't really care for this song, but whatever get's people's attention towards racism, which is such a horrible thing.
• [  ] Doing the same thing as above, but in the back-seat I have a young black man, clean shaven, wearing SS-officer's uniform. It would be awesome to get the police on this one too. Otherwise having the young black male wearing a t-shirt with a huge (and visible) swastika works well too. 
• [  ] Playing the Cannibal Corpse tune Hammer Smashed Face, driving around highly populated areas (sidewalks, events, etc).
• [  ] Playing Tunak Tunak Tun when I drive by pedestrian (curry) Indians.  
• [  ] Playing Sonic Youth's cover of Moist Vagina in downtown Portland. Driving really slow.
• [  ] Rick-rolling while in front of, behind, or parallel to a police car, then half way switching to any song that says, "Fuck the police" in the lyrics

Yes there are more, but for now this is all I can remember.

Half-way there.

Today I tried REALLY hard to get Body Count's Cop Killer checked off the list. I really tried. I spent an extra 20 minutes driving around to see if I could get it, but it's hard as hell. I got a lot of pedestrians with it, but no police. Damn it!!

The timing with these things is no different than a impossible to beat game. Think of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES (by ULTRA). That game was fucking hard. I beat it though, eventually.

2011年8月17日 Beta-Testes

This is all I can show you so far

Beta-testing is something that can be enjoyable, but also difficult sometimes. Most things that get beta-tested are games, but games aren't the only things to be tested, even though the latter usually sucks because it is not a game. In my case, I'm testing a turn-based, card/board-game. It's similar to Magic: the Gathering, Risk, and Chess. If you have no idea what those games are, quit reading this blog and go to Toys-R-Us right now to buy those games.

All I can say about it now is that it is fun to play, but really the most annoying part about beta testing, is when I'm not finding any problems. So far most of the problems with the new "cards" have been addressed. There are a few things I'm noticing, but it's hard to actually gauge them when I'm fighting an unknown human opponent. We'll see how things progress, but otherwise it is fun.

The worst part about the game is that I do not find the music promising at all. I would rather listen to Chaka Khan ALL day instead. Chaka Khannn. Chakaaa-Khaaaann

2011年8月16日 Morning stiffies

Almost everyday I wake up with that throbbing stiffness. Unfortunately it is not due to a massive erection where both hands are required to subdue the beast. Rather it is that same on-going problem with my knee: PVNS. In this case, it is actually the post surgery physical therapy that is stressing my knee out. Yet, PVNS is still the original cause for the stiffness, albeit indirectly this time.

This morning I realized that I am just as bad as a Korean owned store owner: I'm a closet bigot, although I actually think Koreans are less closet about it than I am. My reasoning for this is simple. I don't trust white people, Indians, both the alcoholic ones and the ones that look like a sniper with laser sights have them targeted for a head-shot, most blacks who are not Pacific Northwest natives, Asian people who don't think Russians are Asians, and hipsters.

I thought about this on my way to work. It's not considered racist or bigoted to think white-trash people are low-life inbred mother fuckers, but when one says the same thing about blacks, OH MY G-D! We're all a bunch of racists! Then I thought about it. There isn't a clear-cut way to really separate blacks into sub-divisions or groups, like white people.

Coming from a guy whose ancestry
is Italian.

Is there hope? No, but there is love. That love forever goes to the magical group called, the "I'm an American, fuck off." group. This group does not tolerate "African-American," "Irish-American," "Jew-American," it's either "American" - and for those who can't say it correctly, we'll also take "I'm a 'Merican!" too - or get the fuck out.

The problem is that the diversity, to me, has allowed racism to explode further and in fact promotes it. I like diversity with certain things, especially with porno, guns, and beer, but I think the problem is that a lot, if not most of these communities refuse to allow a newcomer in. This is especially true with most eastern-Asians. You'll also notice that a lot of Asian families, regardless of how progressive they are, are almost totally against having whitey come in to the family, especially if he or she doesn't speak the language. Even then, they'll still be racist.

At the end of the day, or start rather, I am happy that I am not some guido-goomba-mick-bastard (see above picture). Am I stiff on this issue? Actually no. I just wish I wasn't the only person to be blamed. I know where I come from, and I know what labels apply. I'm a Caucasian, which is like being Asian, except they are without cauc. More importantly I'm an American citizen, which means my country has done more important things than some gold-medal Olympian from a country that is barely able to support anyone but the top 1 percent. How their country has pride, I have no idea. Am I angry?

Only for the double-standards, triple-standards, and being told it's not okay lecture a girl-friend or spouse, when that's what they've been doing the whole time!

This is why baseball is an important sport. It's not just going to be about one player the whole time, because that one player can't carry the team. Everyone has different skills, just like hot-wiring a stolen car, yes it is useful, but not here, at least not yet.

I also like the Chewbacca defense.

Race - with a big arrrR - isn't really the issue, it's when people use it as a defense mechanism for their own short-comings conversationally, or in the bed-room. Worse, it sucks, all 10 inches worth, when someone doesn't even bother to man the fuck up towards issues that bother them, race or otherwise, and then they blame those who are already comfortable. Since no one actually trusts anyone, nothing really gets done and things go to shit. Brought to you by nations still friends with France.

If anything my daily behavior is probably confusing. When I drive around blasting music I generally listen to country music and late 80's early 90's gangsta rap on the same CD. I also listen to metal often, and while I don't like mentioning it that often, when I'm driving at night on empty roads I listen to Gary Numan. What is confusing about this, is that when I'm listening to rap I generally wear an unbuttoned long-sleeve flannel shirt, and a trucker cap. Am I honoring diversity? Almost, I need a black-midget-pink-mohakwed-Jewish-SS-bolt-tattoo'd girlfriend and then I'm set. She also has to be wearing a sequin miniskirt.

I woke up too fucking early this morning.

And I still haven't had my coffee.

2011年8月15日 When I die

I would prefer it if my ashes were not loaded into shotgun shells and shot around someone's property.

Holy Smoke claims the following:

Our services are available to anyone with fully cremated remains. [...]

Our Process
The process of having cremated ash placed in live ammunition begins when you contact us.

Holy smoke? How about holy shit, this is awesome! But honestly, I would rather prefer a regular burial, with the exception that as my casket is being lower The Price Is Right theme must be played over loud speakers, regardless of how people people.

And if that can't be done, I'll settle for the Back to the Future theme.

If you haven't seen it yet, go watch this movie.

You may not be ready for it yet, but your kids will love it!

In retrospect, I'm probably going to be dead for the funeral service, so as long as it's not emo or ska, I will probably be fine... watching from three blocks away with binoculars.

2011年8月14日 "But I did not shoot the deputy"

That may-be true, but you did stab his face with a pencil.

There are some people who believe that once you become a criminal, labeled as one through a conviction, or worse, jailed with charges later dropped/acquitted, you are forever labeled a criminal. In my opinion, these people are usually no different than most people, the only difference is that they were caught. 

The following article shows, to me at least, that even in captivity one can still maintain a degree of humanity. And I don't mean for the pictured fella below.

HILLSBORO [Oregon] -- A Washington County jail guard was stabbed in the face with a pencil Sunday by an inmate. 

Here's a picture of
the herpa derp who
attacked the deputy.

The deputy was in a jail wing when the inmate came up behind and stabbed him in the face, according to sheriff's office spokesman Sgt. David Thompson. 

During a fight with the inmate, three other inmates jumped in to help the deputy, Thompson said. A fifth inmate then joined the fight, attacking the deputy. Several more guards arrived and ended the fight, he said. 

Three other inmates jumped into help the deputy? Holy shit, that's ballsy.
I can't imagine these people are going to make a lot of new friends out in the yard. Nonetheless good-job for those three. Brown-nosing or not, stopping violence and violent cowardice of the attacker is commendable to some degree.

The report goes on to state that deputy is okay and safe.

No. Seriously, don't pick it up.

Ideally the jail staff should put Mr. Herpa D'Derpin in a cell with our friend here on the left.

We can tell from this picture that all our friend really wants is someone to listen to him, while he philosophizes about the quality of life or lack thereof.

As for the other guys who helped, well, whatever they did they're still doing time. And I say, let them do it, and let them come back into society. Assuming they're reading to come back into society.

It's a shame we do not have a conscript force like the Légion étrangère, although the rules have changed for the Legion, it would still be nice if the USA had their own version. 

So in lieu of resolution: let's blame this event on the real criminals like democrats, tea-party, republicans, Chuck Norris, Alex Jones, G-d, atheists, Ben Bernacke, arthritis, Obama, the movie Fight Club, Bush Jr., Abraham Lincoln, the movie The Notebook, Roosevelt (the first one), von Braun, and unborn white kids.

2011年8月13日 "[U]nless I had to"

"We already know how you feel on the issue. And Marion told me that you absolutely don't want to teach English."

Me: "Uh okay, that's wrong, totally wrong. How the hell do you fuck up a detail like that, especially one that is written out?"
Her: "Don't talk to me like that."
Me: "Okay, how the hell does she fuck up a detail like that?"

The conversation went down hill from there, until we examined the actual email. Low and behold my own wording was on my side, as it should be, unless I'm some douche bag senator [link].

Before we look at what this bullshit is about, let me give you an opportunity to get the down-low. My aunt Marion emailed me about my career options in life and told me I should get my MA so that I can teach Japanese at a high-school.

Let's look at my reply:

I have no interest in teaching high-school Japanese whatsoever. History may-be an option, but not much else at a high-school level other than that interests me at present.

And

I would rather not go to Japan to teach English unless I had to[.]

Yes. I win this debate.

I don't even need to number the problems off, there are too many anyhow. The bottom line is that someone got the information not only mixed up, but fucked six-ways from Sunday in such a manner that EVEN I was confused and dumbfounded. This generally happens after people fist fuck details.

Let's shift gears, just like when a woman wants to have sex and the man just wants to explain how solar flares work and what it does to the earth's magnetic field.

As for how I feel on what I said in original reply, I don't want to feel like I'm being pushed into a boat I'd rather not be in, unlike Wainwright I don't have anything that ties me to Japan, not at least in the same fashion (he's in a committed - like an insane asylum - relationship). Yes I enjoy learning about Japan, language, literature, and culture. Moreover, I like applying what I learn, and even more than that I like discussing it. 

Yet like most things in life, I do not want to give myself a false sense of entitlement, i.e. "I worked hard for this so I deserve it." This is part of the reason I actually dislike fundamentalist Christians or zealots of any type.
"I'm a better Christian than you, so I'm going to Heaven."
Or
"Oh, I know I'm going to heaven, but I don't know about you..." 
To which I often think, I know my foot could go up your ass, but I don't know if I can get away with it.

As I experience more and more things in life, the only things I have learned is that: 

• Pain does not go away, even with the passing of time, but it becomes a little more tolerable. 
• I will die one day, and this is a result of being alive. 
• Living a healthy life-style is just another way to die slower than others. 
• Laugh at everything possible, because there is always someone somewhere finds that one thing funny.
• Things that are conditional are no more different than contracts between businesses, albeit a lot more complicated do to lack of details.
• Details, you better fucking have them when you're asked tough questions.
• Ignorant assholes like double-standards, and then they look down on you when try to explain the issue to them.*
• No one becomes an expert in their field without giving up something they can't get back.
• If you are not afraid or seriously concerned in issues where it is appropriate to be it is because you are either crazy, idiotic, ignorant, or worst of all, you have deceived yourself and/or your challenge.
• Fear and trust G-d: He knows where you live if you piss Him off.
• Love G-d, because it feels good when somebody loves you back and that's a fact.
• Completed trust towards another person is something that should never be broken, just like the completed trust between a man and a cannibal who is giving fellatio.

I think that about sums it up, and whatever isn't listed is no one fucking business.

I'm not really sure how to explain these things to people who have a sense of entitlement or living a life-style where everything is dictated by a magazine or by contemporary society. Hell, 80 years ago Hugo Boss was a supplier for Nazi uniforms. Today, it's totally okay to wear and use their products.

How does that make sense?

I can put my answer
in the form of a question.

Easy. It's just a type of contract, one between the company and people. They (the people) will overlook the history of the company as long as they get stylish products. 

Just like life you can't time the market. You can't time tomorrow. And if you can, you're doing it to manipulate people in ways that were never intended. The latter of these bothers me most, as it is the single most disgusting thing a person could do to homo-sapiens.

*For example, it's (usually) socially okay for a woman to break up with a man who has a small penis, but it's not okay for a man to break up with a woman who has small breasts?
What kind of shit is that? Thank G-d I don't own a big truck.

2011年8月12日 "Fuck" #003

I usually don't like making posts that use such language. Okay well maybe half of the time. Actually it depends on how I'm saying it and why, so I guess about a 1/5 of the time. But that other 80 percent fucking deserves it.

Recently I got news about an abroad program. I was accepted, but I didn't receive a scholarship, which more or less makes the final decision on whether or not the program is financially do-able. Part of me was devastated, as this really puts my career goals in a bind, if not trash. As for the other part of me, I couldn't help but laugh inside, thinking that somehow I deserved this. The way this affected my career goals just made me laugh more due to the seriousness. 

The smile didn't come off my face for awhile, although when it did, I could only frown for a bit. Yet  all the while when I thought about how other things* in the world were going, I could help but smile and laugh inside again, thinking "Fuck." the whole time.

 

The above video is a literal interpretation 

of what I'd like the voice of my laughter be 

along with gestures and mannerisms.

*Take your pick
Appeals court rules against Obama Healthcare Law
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/appeals-court-rules-against-obama-healthcare-law-171829777.html
State Fair mugger targeted whites: 'easy targets'
http://www.wlsam.com/Article.asp?id=2260004&spid=
Rockford removes streetlights to save money
http://www.wlsam.com/Article.asp?id=2260122&spid=
Postal Service to cut 120,000 jobs
http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/197059/20110812/postal-service-considers-cutting-120-000-jobs-agency-nearing-default.htm
World is witnessing financial WWIII – Max Keiser
http://rt.com/news/finance-war-usa-banks/

Just take your pick. Hahaha

2011年8月11日 Too tired!

You know those days where you can't do anything and you don't feel good, so you end up doing nothing?

That happens to be everyday for me when I don't have work. I end up feeling exhausted and spent due to the swelling from PT or just from general movement. I'm also wondering if it's because I'm not sleeping well, due to pain or low-self-esteem. It's possible I'm suffering from alcohol withdraw.

This morning I woke up to such a shitty dream.
I actually tried to sleep in a bit so I could at least wake up with a different dream. That's how my days have been going. Dreams suck so bad, are so horrible, and bother me so much that I end up wanting to sleep in longer skipping out on the most important part of my day: beer.

I've had my qualms with life before, but this one takes the cake, and it eats the cake. And then it signs my neighbors up for magazines. That's what life does to people, beyond being a shitty board-game.

[A]ll swollen and er, well,
obviously in pain.

The worst part of my post-knee-surgery recovery is that alcohol makes the pain worse. I'm not sure how to explain it, but drinking makes my knee feel like shit, or kind of like this woman's face all swollen, and er, well, obviously in pain.

On the upside, I'm happy I made a "whining" tag for this blog, because any form of a complaint is could still a form of whining. Go to a holocaust survivor's, POW survivor's, or "I'm in jail because I kissed my girl-friend with the land-line telephone, because I didn't want to punch her with a beer in my hand" meetings, and if you go to any of these I'm sure at some point you'll just think while sitting there listening to the endless gripes of old people and wife-beaters, "Sheesh get over it already!"

Thankfully, I'm bored enough not to get over it and more than happy to continue dialog on those issues, especially ones that involve potentially free beer.

And if for those who need a visualization (link) of getting the beat-down from a telephone. I kind of regret having a cellphone now, because I just don't feel it will make the same kind of impact (emotionally).

2011年8月9日 "Break it down. N. I. G. G. E. R,

Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger!" Blasting from the speakers of the car in front of New Seasons, on a busy Saturday afternoon. Some lady walking by with her kid made a face when Flavor Flav broke out on my FTP/Oldies CD. "Yes lady, he's saying 'Nigger, nigger, nigger....'" I thought. "Who cares? The point of the song is that he doesn't want to be called, 'Yo Niga.' I hope you teach your fucking kid that." I drove off smiling, but I made sure I pulled away slowly to give the pedestrians the full range of the cultural teachings that Flavor Flav offers. The highlight begins at around the 2 minute mark.

 

That was Saturday.

Sunday was worse. I woke up around 6am, which is something I do not want to do on Sunday. While I enjoy making money when possible, depending on the job - I ain't sucking dick for cash. The economy here isn't that bad. - I may work on my off days. Anyhow I worked nine and a half hours solid. Starting from 8 am until 5:30pm with two 15 minute breaks I was the world's greatest desk jockey. I had no book, except for the little mini-bible that I went to go get during my first break. And my phone isn't cool enough to look at porn, so pretty much I was stuck for 9 hours plus with me and the bible. It was pretty brutal for the first two hours, until I realized that reading all of Proverbs somehow could keep me awake. As for not even having a lunch, the state of Oregon has exceptions that makes this is legal somehow, and if it my boss gives me crap about working a lot of hours without a lunch break, I'll fight it.

The end result of Sunday compounded with some errands on Saturday was total exhaustion accompanied with pain in my knee. It felt like I needed a full day to recover, so I took Monday off.

This morning on the way to work I put my gangsta rap back on, and went about my business.

2011年8月7日 I'm alive but

damn am I busy as all hell. I'll have to post more later today about Friday and Saturday.

Holy Christmas Jew, I haven't been this busy in a while.

2011年8月4日 Physical Therapy

Things are dark sometimes,
but at least I have a light
to find my way around.

After PT I couldn't help but cringe throughout the rest of the evening. My knee started flaring up, like massive and deadly erection. Where in lieu of sperm, massive solar flares penetrate space covering ball shaped planets, choking them of breath.

I thought about you while in pain, as I drove back home. I wondered if your hair was still red, I doubt it. I wondered if you enjoyed looking at children, and if they enjoy looking at you. I frowned at myself and turned up the radio. No, I wasn't Tangled Up in Blue, but I did think about you. And no, I didn't need to make it a beer night.  

The pain and passing of strip clubs briefly took you off my mind. The burning sensation in my knee was making it difficult to drive as always, yet the strip clubs' signs reminded me of massive breasts. And medium breasts and ones I can hold in a single hand. And those are nice things. I rotated a dial letting my mind trail off to some music, then I signaled right and continued on with my business.

2011年8月3日 Thai massage

Accurate representation of what
a man looks like after using Axe products for
five years solid

on my testicles* reminds me of finding old bottles of musky cologne in my grandparent's bathroom. Even though I feel cheap and insecure while using it, I know it's only because of the smell and how it feels on my skin when it's rubbed all over my body. I guess it's no different than a one night stand, except I don't have to leave home or the shower (if I'm wasted).
The smell while still musky also has a kind of sweet nature-ish scent to it, which is pleasant yet reminds me of Burt Reynolds. The former must be the reason why I still take firearms to the bathroom. 

My Finnish friend Fozzjnen brought me three bottles of Axe's Thai Massage from Finland, since it wasn't available in the USA until like a week ago. Of course well before he went to Finland, neither of us had any idea it would be available here. Now it appears to be in USA I can feel like a bad mother fucker all the time, just like this white guy! 

Let's see where this twelve pack takes us.

2011年8月2日 Make up your mind

Today was my first day back at work after two weeks.

Round I, FIGHT!

Upon entering the building, I noticed one of my three bosses. He asked me if I was okay to work. I said yes. He then started to rant towards me about how "If it were my call I wouldn't let you come into work." I actually was surprised, because this was the same guy who told me that I shouldn't need to take two weeks off from work. He further trailed off with things such as sitting to long will make me uncomfortable, and I'm "obviously still in pain."

Most of my pain at that very moment was sheer disappointment at his flippity-flop stance on the issue regarding my knee. I must admit, yes I am still in pain and yes it is hard for me to sit still for more than an hour, but I am at work and I can do my job, unlike most people in government today. 

As promised I even brought photos of my surgery for him, all of which are photos of the INSIDE of the knee only. My boss grumbled that he did not want to look at them, probably assuming that it looks horrible (i.e. operating room table, blood, Chuck Norris, etc). Here is the closest online image I can find to pictures of my own surgery. This was the first part of the day that confused me.

Bonus stage, FIGHT!

The second part is with that strange quaint chick I mentioned a while back. The last time I saw her, she was quite cordial and seemingly talkative. Yet today she came in wearing a snow beanie, one that covers the ears and as soon as she came in she said in low startled voice, 

"Oh, uh you startled me," 

My first thought: Uh, I work here bitch. What the fuck? 

"Um, I'm going to study somewhere else." 

Bitch is crrazzy!

This was done in less than 4.36 seconds. I pretty much laughed it off as it provided for cheap entertainment. I'm wondering if she was just freaking out over the fact that she had a goofy looking hat on, or if she is just uncomfortable around me, which if this happens to be the case she literally is the living incarnate of the Narrator in Fight Club.

After she walked out I began laughing inside my mind, as I felt like quality, quantity, and just general nature of her strange mannerisms reminded me of this short 16 second video.

2011年8月1日 "We'll be back after these words"

Today the government just did something that changes nothing, except showing how gullible average people are nationwide. Great job assholes!

I almost feel like Bob Barker, I'm trying to understand what the hell just happened, and why congress (as contestants and viewers) are so happy about it.

Why the hell do they let left-handed people on The Price Is Right?

2011年7月31日 Work and government

My boss called me last Friday. I was happy since he told me he needed to know my schedule and what days I will be free to work. I told him I was pretty much ready to work everyday. Totally sweet I thought, until I looked at his schedule for the rest of the summer.

Absolutely nothing changed about my schedule whatsoever.

I was hoping to pick up someone's hours to make money so I can spend it on hookers and pot, but I'm under the impression that my boss doesn't want to give anyone 20 hours or more. On the upside, the swelling in my knee has gone down, even though I'm still gimping around.

Honestly I'm just looking forward to getting something done this summer, even if it's a meager allowance of work. So far the worst part of the summer is that I haven't even had a full day of physical sunshine on my body since the surgery.

I'm voting for the former.

As for the debt ceiling, blah blah blah, it was figured out, although somehow we still have debt, so not much change there, or at least any that . The funny part is how the markets for gold right now are open, and yet the gold index hasn't changed much except for a small ten to twelve dollar drop in price per ounce.  

Nothing is going to change, crude oil is still near or at $100 per barrel, the yen is fudge-packing the dollar (right now 77 yen to one US dollar), and most of our politicians still think it's appropriate to cut some services for poor people. This one goes out to our special friends in the government.

EDIT, okay a deal has been reached, but nothing so far appears to be set in stone. Who knows what Monday will bring? Hopefully tacos and a coke.

When things in life go to hell or begin to suck, I remind myself to go outside, take a breather, and have a Coke. I'm sure I will do this when World War 3 happens, or the next time some chick says, "I love you."