2012年2月29日 Don't avoid it

My morning started extremely shitty, instead of actually taking the bus, I ended up driving (now that I have another car to use, albeit briefly). The bus wasn't the issue, it was my knee, depression and lack of physical motivation to eat food. I knew I should eat food and hadn't in awhile, but my body wouldn't respond accordingly even though I knew I needed something to eat.

I got to work about an hour early like I normally do. I waited 10 minutes with the car off before I even got out, since I was so cold and tired. I felt miserable because of the rain, or miserable that I can't limp fast enough in the rain to escape it. I bought a bag of nuts, for putting in my mouth, and found a place to eat my lunch for breakfast.

I felt a little better.

Checking something online,

2012年2月28日 T4T: "Just whispers...

that wait for you to sleep

And when you dream,
We'll come for you and breathe in your pain"

 "Gimme a pack of that then." 

"The wrong word
When you cry,
I will be" -
voices in my dream

 Over the past 2 or 5 days I have been feeling arthritic pain that sucks terribly. Of course drinking again hasn't helped, and my knee has made me feel miserable. Knee in pain, pain beyond the physical, boredom, and my heart and sole. Maybe it's because of the cheap shoes? Maybe I need a more expensive pair to support my knee and sole. Maybe it's all the nightmares. Maybe it's the dreams I'm having: the ones I can't talk about.

***

2012年2月28日 Light-speed

If we can travel at light speed, does that mean we don't need head lights?

Sometimes we get what we want. When this happens we forget the price tag.

I can't believe how fast my life is going along, mainly because I had mentally and emotionally prepared for as long as two years.

Let's do it!

This Sunday is my mikvah, and soon after, maybe an hour or two later, the beit din (house of judgement). And then after deliberation, the decision of whether or not I am a Jew will come. I prepared to become one, so maybe I'm just nervous about it. I don't want to fail, or rather, I don't want to fail God and the community. In a sense I feel like any failure of understanding core or foundational principles of Judaism is the failure to value life. Not just my own life, but the importance of life and its cycles (including death).

Maybe it's not that I'm going fast, it's that I'm being challenged.

And it's a challenge of whether or not I can do it, and part of me is wondering if I can.

If I knew I could do it, with zero to little problems, it wouldn't be a challenge.

Come with me lesbian seagull....

Settle down and rest with meeee...

2012年2月27日 "Come with me

Lesbian Seagull"

I'm sitting down quietly at work, wondering what I should say about identity as I listen to a song called, "Lesbian Seagull". I'm going to bounce around, so keep up, but don't worry. My hands are stretched out, take 'em if you need 'em.

Sometimes I wonder what it's all about. A few posts ago (here) I talked about identity, women and what not. I usually talk about identity. I usually talk about women. I usually talk with women, but they usually find me disagreeable. Well, that's not totally true. Today someone nervously asked me if I'd join them ice-skating, after I said I can roller-blade. Albeit, it's amateur hour when I do blade... But I digress.

So a guy friend of mine (Grillman) told me that on his birthday a chick he's interested in baked a cake in his apartment with him. No shagging happened - Lesssssbian Seagulll.... - and frankly I don't think he wanted to do it with her at that very moment. The problem lies in that she lists herself as "In a relationship" on Facebook, but it's clear she's interested in him. She says things and she does things, etc. So he asked her if she had a boyfriend, and she said she just got out of a relationship. 

2012年2月26日 "Zerschiess das Fenster!"

Driving home, 

25 miles.
I don't mind,

2012年2月25日 Remembering

"I can tell you now, I- I know- I'm positive that I made the right decision. But there isn't a day that passes that I wish I made a different choice."

To be Jewish is to remember. At least that's what I was told, and from what I learn it seems even more real to me as the days pass.

Remembering all the bad things and good things that happened in life makes me wonder if I should bother with children. It also makes me remember this video.

It's sad this applies to more than just children.

I remember friends, I remember things about my family, I remember loving (the emotional feeling, not the physical), and of course sometimes I don't want to remember, but with smells, sounds, words, names, places, it comes back sometimes.

2012年2月24日 "Sorry my hands are cold"

Improper planting

The blessing was said, I read some of it, of course asking if it was okay if I try to read the text (not try to bless myself) and I did okay. None of that was a problem. 

Yet, his hands were cold and although I didn't mind specifically, it was a little unnerving to have my phallus touched by a grown man about to lance my lance with a diabetic-type finger prick. A finger-prick pricked my prick. 

I have my mikvah within 12 days or less. Then I got to court and battle it out with the head-honchos. Then I will ethnically, religiously, join the family. 

The more I do rituals and steps towards Judaism (and God), the more I feel like I have a chance to go "home." As in I'll have a chance to wash my exposed roots, finally having the opportunity or infrastructure to plant them. I think the most important part is that I'm dealing with these issues now. I'm not dealing with a midlife crisis, not dealing with a loss of identity, I'm dealing with misplaced roots. With roots it's important that one addresses them early on, like heart disease. The longer one waits, the longer one ages, the probability of actually becoming healthier spiritually is compromised. I think this is why I am sad sometimes when people wait till they are very old to convert. 

I almost feel like some people, regardless of Judaism, put off addressing their soul. You can cook potatoes in a crock pot, adding everything filling it to the top. Yes it's full, but without warmth (the soul) it's just a bunch of cold vegetables (work, obligations), water (life cycles), and spices (social life, etc). Just like trees, they can still be strong on the outside, but compromised internals physically or emotionally (and/or intellectually) makes life miserable, especially without warmth (the soul).

I will do whatever it takes to go "home."
Unless it's murder, theft, sexual immorality (doing it with crocodiles while eating deep-fried Twinkies), and so on.

אני עוד חי, חי, חי 

עם ישראל חי 

2012年2月24日 Continued: Dreams, and asking Pagliacci to laugh

I should have introduced Pagliaccio and what role he plays.

Pagliaccio is a clown in a theater production. While in a bar some people joking say to him that his wife might be cheating on him. He declares he may play a clown, but on the inside it is very different. His wife actually does cheat on him. Pagliaccio, whose non-stage name in the play is Canio, almost catches the adulterer but does not see his face. He confronts his wife with a knife but is stopped others.

Later during a performance he threatens her to say her lover's name. Eventually his wrath, anger, and pride get the best of him and he kills his wife. Unable to empathize with why his wife's reasoning for being with other men is unclear, to me at least. What I do know is that while Pagliaccio tries to do "The show must go on..." with himself in private, it is clear that he wants revenge and will do this by dehumanizing his wife until he kills her (7:00 range in the video). None of this matters, he is so angry and blinded by his selfish rage he kills his wife. In a sense, Pagliaccio made his wife a slave in the sense that if she leaves him, or cheats on him, he'll kill her. No matter how bad he is or incompatible, she must stay and never betray his manhood.

Yes Biblically, adulterers, wife of a man and another man (who may be married), would be put to death if caught. But this story of Pagliaccio takes place in the mid-1800s.

But personally what I think is that laughing is important.
Unfortunately with Pagliaccio it's only wishful thinking. In neither of the videos I posted does he actually resolve his feelings with himself with laughing. An "Ah!" is said here or there, but nothing in terms of real resolution happens with himself.

2012年2月24日 Dreams, and asking Pagliacci to laugh

Ridi, Pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor! 

Pavarotti singing, Vesti La Giubba (Put on a/the costume)

Dreamland again,
again, and again

The dream I had this morning woke me up a few minutes before my alarm clock went off, which I've been setting earlier and earlier this last week. For once I had a dream that was non-violent, but it still bothered me because it had a somewhat happy, albeit ambiguous ending. By ambiguous ending I mean I woke up before I could resolve anything, which is funny because the premise of that dream was resolution and the future. Before I even opened my eyes I felt like crying, because it was a dream an no matter what I solve or say in dreams, they're just dreams.

It's time to,

Put on your costume,

powder your face.

The people pay to be here, and they want to laugh.

Preparing for work I realized something that I didn't want to admit.

Sometimes when people are faced with an enemy trying to kill them physically, or emotionally, the way one handles it is simple: dehumanization of the opposing force. This is why we hear jokes about the Taliban being towel-heads (which some are) and why Japs are a bunch of bunch of buck-toothed rapists. The buck-toothed part isn't true. Even here at home, we dehumanize our own citizens with social classes (see trailer-trash, Bible-belt, Deliverance the film, and die hard fans of Dolly Parton).

We stop thinking about the other guy as someone like us, with similar goals and dreams. Hell, we could probably even be friends! But no, we think of them as some kind of horrible person, or horrible non-person. Some of us really have to do this dehumanization process of our "enemies", because when we humanize them we can empathize or even have sympathy for them. Some people would say this compromises one's ability to act when a moment of "truth" occurs (see violence, conflict, confrontation).

I do believe that it's possible for most people to lose their strength when they reflect on another person's life, before they take it or engage physically against another. Yet, I also think what makes us better humans is not always allowing biology to dictate what we do and who we are as an individual human. Dehumanization while necessary for some people without the resolve to over come fear, such as fear of the weight and responsibility of not dehumanizing another, is just something I don't think I could do without compromising the possibility of maximized joy. In basic terms, I'd rather live with the constant struggle and questioning of trying to understand. I suppose I'll understand my thoughts when I understand their purpose.

With that said, I will put on my costme for today, powder my face, as the people pay to be here, and they want to laugh. Turning my distress and tears into jest-- my pain and sobbing into a funny face – Ah!

Later today I will have one of three serious rituals completed: the ritual circumcision.

I'm sure my dreams had something to do with it.

Hatafat dam brit

Continued here: http://repugnant-thoughts.blogspot.com/2012/02/2012224-continued-dreams-and-asking.html

2012年2月23日 Working Man yearning for home

Bird guts smell
like Oregon's coast.
I knew it!

I was just about to fall asleep, then my phone vibrated - for my pleasure - several times. New text from Krimull? I better read it!

I just spent the day picking bird guts out of an engine. I think it was a seagull. It smelled like Oregon's coast. And my hand smells like it, reminds me of home mmmmm.

I've missed home for some serious reasons too, but nothing as hardcore as that, outside of hardcore porno. I guess when you're a working man - Rush, - you come up with whatever you can find. In this case bird guts, or what's left of them. I almost feel like this should be a Campbell's soup commercial with only the video of removing bird guts and a looping voice saying "Mmm-mmm good."

Wipers optional

2012年2月22日 Daily livin'

Two days ago I finally figured out what to do with a large can of "healthy" peaches, as opposed to unhealthy peaches (apparently they can get diseases, such as Colletotrichum gloeosporioides). I'm sure you're wondering where the punchline is at, or if I'm going to say something vulgar about them such as, "I stick them in the nether regions of the neighbor lady and then I eat them for breakfast!" None of that is true, except for that I do have a neighbor lady (of some sort) and that I do eat them for breakfast. The peaches -- not her nether regions. At least not that I'm aware of...

Because I haven't had milk in a long while, I have been using what peaches I have as a kind of filler for the bland shitty "healthy" brand of oatmeal that is only kind left in the cupboard. Personally I like Quaker oats, mainly for their oatmeal. Although I do wonder about a Quaker - being total pacifists and all - would feel if law-enforcement officer or members of the military eats their food... But I digress digest.

Mentioning "oats" is
tantamount to being a GILF

So far the best thing about oatmeal and peaches is that it's filling. The downside is that it makes me feel like an old man. I have lingering memories as little kid, that only old people eat oatmeal. In fact mentioning "oats" in conversation is tantamount to saying, "I'm a health Nazi." or "Sorry dude, I'm not into MILFs. But GILFs..." I think this is why old people like "oat meal", they're old and it's easy to eat. And also because old people are automatically GILFs. Unfortunately, oatmeal also looks like soft dog-shit after being stepped on. Thank God it doesn't smell that way...

Five days a week I wake up super fucking early, i.e. before 4:30am, so oatmeal is probably one of the easiest things to prep in the morning to eat, next to chicken soup, salad, and/or sandwiches. Since I've been away from beer for such a long time in my personal life, I almost feel like I should have a beer for breakfast. None of this lager shit or clear looking beers. Something with a lot of weight to it, carbohydrates and whatnot (see alcohol), so that I can justify having it with a salad and soup or oatmeal. By the time I show up for work or class, I would have already used 3 hours to burn the beer off so I could easily have one without any problems.

Alternatively, I could figure out some kind of interesting vegan salad, but that just seems like more work compared to popping off a bottle cap and drinking.

A good choice for late
December nights w/ films
or marathonin' TV shows

Thankfully Wyder's makes a hard-cider bitch-beer - I don't come up with these terms, - in peach. So I could have 5% peach alcohol with my oatmeal instead of actual peaches. I could always replace the "beer" with peach schnapps... Mmmmm. There are so many choices and the upside is that I can still claim that I have fruits for breakfast. I'm sure I can put a gay reference in there too... But I digress, it's bad enough I brought up GILFs.

It really doesn't matter to me that it's oatmeal I'm eating in the morning. I'm just fascinated that I found a use for my 32 oz can of peaches other than waiting to use it for the zombie apocalypse.

Needless to say, it's nice I'm eating breakfast everyday. There were times where I skipped breakfast for several hours, only to sooth my hunger with a vegan cookie and some back alley hookers and pot, which surprisingly should be the circumstances of any new Folger's coffee commercial. At least I think that would be the best part of wakin' up.

2012年2月21日 Dogs

Is it fiction yet?

Pride is for lions in groups, and dogs who don't believe in wasting food.

"Yeah, I don't like Catholics."

"Huh..."

Now enters a guy into the conversation who was just over hearing me, apparently he took my commentary personally towards him, which was a mistake on his part. And although I didn't say it, I meant to say militant Catholics. 

"What did you say about Catholics?" 

Is what I think he said, but I could have been wrong. He said something angrily and started to close in on me from 5 feet to 2.5 feet away in a very threatening manner.

Standing and thinking,
not possible for some people

I can't remember what he said as it all sounded like angry grunting. He stood there trying to stare me down, and it was more or less working. I didn't have the heart to tell him not to threaten me with commentary, but I backed down. I said something like, "I don't mind." or "I like Catholics." to sooth his anger. What bothered me the most was that if someone says, "I don't like Nazis." I wouldn't get up in their face and threaten violence. Nor would I if someone said, "I don't like Jews." If they said, "I think Jews should die." That's another issue.

Here's probably how it played in mister angry-man's head,

What was said: I don't like Catholics.
What he heard: CATHOLICS ARE A BUNCH OF CHILD-MOLESTERS
What other people heard: I'm generally a noisy asshole who talks about my dislikes VERY loudly 

I guess the dude can't stand and think.

It's a shame the guy didn't take a moment to assess what was being said.

I suppose what made me disappointed in that guy was if he threatened my life or another's body, maiming, or exploiting my disability, I would consider using lethal force. In fact, I don't think he even knew why I had my hand in my pocket... As I painfully smiled at him.

Angry guy's wife after she
calls him an asshole

We have a right to feel the way we do. We have likes and dislikes, if someone doesn't like what I'm saying they voice their opinion or leave (or ask me to leave if it's their house). I don't like Israeli Apartheid Week put on by Palestinians, but this is America and I can counter-protest; however, it is never okay for violence or physical intimidation to come into effect so that a person gets what they want or "wins" an argument. We have a natural human right to defend our bodies, home, and another from violent aggression. 

Just like most dogs, I'm wondering if his pride got to the better of him. I'm also wondering if a complete stranger can piss him off with just 4 words, - which clearly convey the OPINION of one person, - what is going to happen to when his GF/Wife tells him he's an asshole? I can't imagine she'll go to work the next day without a lot of foundation and huge-sunglasses.

When left, I actually looked over to the "Huh-face" girl and said,
"That's exactly what I'm talking about with Catholics!"

I don't think I learned anything, yet.

It's a shame I might run into this guy again.
My response?
I'll do what I normally do with angry people: Smile!

2012年2月20日 Part 2 "Fighting, killing, wine and those women

gonna put me to my grave
Running, hiding, losing, crying, nothing left to save
But my life [url]" 

Stealin' [url], by Uriah Heep

"'Stealin' is Uriah Heep's biggest hit from the concept album, Sweet Freedom. The second track on the album, it deals with the regrets that come with living a self-obsessed life." - Wikipedia

What do you do when you are seeing someone who is interesting, shares similar hobbies, ideas, and more importantly, challenges you and you challenge them? What do you do when you find out they're in a relationship, but they want your attention in ways that you feel like should be done by their significant other? Grillman was asking me questions like that. Of course he knew I had asked myself those very same questions over the last year with consistent regularity, sometimes questions like that would wake me up. Or maybe it was my knee?

Desire negating identity?
What do you see?

What do you do?
I can really only say what I did, but I feel like if I talk about that specifically any more than I already have I might as well apply a "whining" label to this post. 

What does one do?
When desire could negate identity? 

What does one do?
When desire BECOMES identity?!

In these cases, desire should never become identity. Neither should fear of being alone. Without truly being alone to figure out who we are on our own terms as our own man (i.e. liberated and solely responsible for our well being) it is hard for us to really understand our own identity. So then is identity over goals more important? If a person says, "I want to have children." or "I want a house." These are nice things to want, but when that goal supersedes the identity eventually that person's children doesn't even know who parent is at some-point other than the origin of their life. It's almost literally like a sperm-donor.

Desire over identity? 

Desire as identity? 

Identity over goals? 

Goals as Identity? 

Are goals an identity or the identity, and can one have an identity without goals?

After one accomplishes goals what is the identity?

These are questions I think I would ask myself prior to making a huge leap into a relationship with some woman or chick already in a relationship. So I would probably do nothing and not proceed, standing my ground, and passing through.

My life is a series of processions of just passing through one moment to the next. When I was 19-20, I didn't except to live the life I have had up to this point. Before that age, I had no idea I'd even be alive to 20. When I look at pictures of myself as a 21 year old, 22, and 23 I wonder if I'm looking at the same person. I am not the same person I was then. I'm just more crotchety and disagreeable, and I ask more questions.

How I pick up chicks.
See RJ [url]

If Grillman does have some kind of physical relationship with the girl, does that mean his goal in having company supersedes the identity of the relationship or lack thereof that he has with her? What about the relationship with her highly existent boyfriend? Does he lose his identity of who he is? Or compromise the integrity of such if he decides to do something with her even though he believes it's morally wrong?

There is a right answer, but the right answer only works for me, and the Jewish part says "on a case basis as well." I guess to me it's important that my life isn't self-obsessive. Going from here to there, taking what I want. I have to remind myself that I want to give because I care, and that I should avoid the sense of entitlement of caring because I give.

2012年2月19日 Part 1 "Fighting, killing, wine and those women

gonna put me to my grave
Running, hiding, losing, crying, nothing left to save
But my life"

Grillman called me and asked a difficult question, "I'm going on a date with a chick who is flirting with me every-time we hang out or study together. I'm 90 percent sure she has a boyfriend, but she hasn't said anything about it. It's possible we could be doing something each other soon. So tell me, what would you do?"

First, I've been in a similar situation, except I knew the girl had a boyfriend.

Second, I wish I could say the punchline, but really there isn't one. 

Yet there is an answer, but not the answer.

An answer

I like the song Stealin' and what it's about, but unlike the narrator of the song I never had a chance to buy. And unfortunately while I don't get a chance to drink as I think about these issues I will have a chance to sleep on them.*

To be continued (here)

*I haven't had much to drink for awhile now (2 months or longer?), outside of the free beer I had the other night at the vaudeville show. I must be going through withdrawal...

2012年2月18日 Ivri or Jew?

There is a French woman whom I'll call "Patrice" mainly because she kind of reminds me of the character in Breathless. She is an attractive looking French women who is probably in her late 30's or early 40's. 

For some reason I had yet to see her at shul until just recently. Today I noticed she put on a noticeable amount of foundation and blush on, compared to the other times I've seen her. I usually have a hard time retaining eye contact with her because I have questions I want to ask her, among my repugnant questions about whether or not she wants to be familiar with "off-shore drilling". 

Does she want to be a Jew? If she's married, why doesn't her husband come? What told her that Judaism is her path? What happens if she does become a Jew? How will her family react? Does she know that you can't be a Jew alone? At least as far as I'm concerned Judaism is not about being alone, and it sure as shit isn't a hermitage. Christians, Buddhists, and everyone else can do their hermitages, but for Jews it's not happening.

Those questions are some things I think about when I see the types like her interested in Judaism and/or serious about converting to Judaism. Are they doing it because they are unhappy? Are they having a mid-life crisis, or is there really something missing that only Judaism can provide? Do they know what's missing before they come to shul? 

I can really only answer these questions for myself, but yet while I want to, I can't even imagine how difficult it is for Patrice. If I recall correctly she is married and with children, and yet from the way she talks she has no knowledge of Judaism other than what she reads. This means her husband and house is not Jewish. 

I wonder about whether or not my house is Jewish. In a technical sense I have been in a constant transitional period for about 10 years, so being asked or telling someone I have a "Jewish home" is somewhat of a misnomer. 

What does it mean to have a Jewish house? Traditions? I have none as I mentioned other than the ones I make. I personally find some solace and joy knowing I am paving my own way. Sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes it's difficult, but I believe the best part about it is that there is a degree of fun knowing that it is a challenge. Some days I am not sure if I can actually do it, others I think I can. I have never thought that being a Jew or wanting to be a Jew as something as just a task or a simple checklist, even though there are some checklist like things when wanting to convert. 

Confused?
Ask a rabbi!

As far as I'm concerned, wanting to be become a Jew is never something like "Oh I can do this." believing that only mundane or shallow problems lie ahead. It is a constant challenge and struggle of life, and life's wonders. Probably the most enjoyable part is the questions. Things go from, "I can do this!" to "Can I do this?" And not in the sense I ask for permission, but in the sense that it is a personal challenge of whether or not I have the will power and part of it is just accepting the massive difficulty of it.

Do I have the will power to love God?

Do I have the will power to fear and trust God?

Now while I can live to find out like most people, a short and quick Jewish answer to the questions I've presented is as simple as "Ask a rabbi." 

Personally I like the love God part, I find that it accommodates loving people too.

***

I was also told in the next week or few weeks my love-stick will be stabbed by a knife of some sort. Probably Rambo's knife (video here). According to Rambo when asked "What do you hunt with a knife?" the appropriate response is "Name it." This probably explains why penises end up being circumcised by knives. 

According to the guy conducting the ceremony he said it it no different pain wise than a diabetic's testing needle. I didn't have the heart to ask, "Is this knowledge from personal experience?" I'm not personally worried about pain, rather than how much the ceremony costs. Some people actually charge for this short (5 minutes or less) ceremony! After all the ceremonies are concluded I'll probably consider myself a Hebrew/Ivri rather than Jew, although Jew works too. I feel like I'm a horse being led to the racing stall.

2012年2月17日 Happy thoughts?

I read the other day that the only way to be happy is to remember the past. This might explain why I enjoy hanging out with old people when I'm not hanging out with my regular friends, because old people usually spend most of their time griping about politicians and reflecting on good things, or rather, things that made them feel good.

That might explain why I like repeating the same jokes over again.

If old jokes aren't funny, then why are most funny comedians balding or getting grey hairs?

However, even will all these happy things, there are somethings in life that genuinely depress me:

Old people are like children,
they require adult supervision
at all times

• Having my random playlist select anything from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness album by The Smashing Pumpkins, when I'm trying to watch porn. Shit you not, it's depressing to watch any videos where it shows a chick look right at the camera while By Starlight or Thirty-Three, or RHCP's Give it Away is playing in the background
• People who are angry and believe their anger is always excusable
• Old people who look confused with their mouth gaping
• Paying for social security and knowing I will never get it
• Being told that Babylon 5's story-line sucks, and that I should watch Deep Space 9
• Being told I can always make new friends, implying that the new ones can replace the old. Worse  than that is when statements like the prior are said by people who express individuality and uniqueness as great attributes of their characteristics.
• Getting dirty looks from people when I say chicken soup IS a breakfast meal
• Getting dirty looks from people right after I've taken a shower
• People who bought Justin Bieber anything
• Women who expect hugs from men they barely know
• Men who give those hugs, but refuse to hug their own parents/friends/family
• Black people who are vegetarians without religious reasons
• Being told that complaining is bad

Of course there are more, but frankly speaking those are just a few.
I think whenever I'm happy it's because I get to be with my friends and we don't really have to worry about anything other than being who we are as individuals. This also allows me to say repugnant jokes, which should never be negated under any circumstances.

So my happy memories?
Well if you were there then you probably know!

Otherwise it's

NOYFB.

2012年2月16日 Politicians and fishing

This man will take (and) molest,
in any manner at any time, your fish.
He also has a small penis.

I'm of the opinion that when politicians get bored they make laws about molesting fish.

I'm also of the opinion that when I get bored I read about those same laws and blog about them.

The following is from an ORS I found the other day reading about fisting fishing:

509.040 Small or immature salmon protected; exceptions; rules. (1) Any person who takes any immature salmon of any variety less than 20 inches in length, or any mature salmon of any variety less than 15 inches in length, by any means other than angling, shall immediately return such salmon alive to the water.

      (2) It is unlawful to:

    (a) Take, buy, sell or possess immature salmon less than 20 inches or mature salmon less than 15 inches in length, taken in any waters of this state, at any time or in any manner except by angling.

    (b) Take, molest, kill or injure, in any manner at any time, or expose for sale or have in possession, except for the purpose of propagation when authorized by law, any spawning salmon.

Surprisingly this no one has questioned law makers on that statute.

Apparently mature salmon are not protected against molestation...

Another one, this time from the great state of Florida...

379.405 Illegal molestation of or theft from freshwater fishing gear.—

(1)(a) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully molests any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

(b) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully removes the contents of any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

A person, firm, or corporation that receives a citation for a violation of this subsection is prohibited, immediately upon receipt of such citation and until adjudicated or convicted of a felony under this subsection, from transferring any endorsements.

Thanks Florida!

Yeah...

2012年2月15日 Drugs revisited

So earlier in the day CNN did an article about how former drug addicts are kicking their addiction with sports, which is like overcoming marijuana by taking up smoking. Not all "sports" are damaging, but eventually you'll see that improper training and other mistakes will lead to serious joint or other related issues as the applicant ages.

I personally believe that exercise can be a drug and an addiction. I also believe that most things in life, if not all things, should be done in moderation; however, I don't believe my idea of moderation works for everyone, just what you think is proper moderation for yourself.

From a guy whose
addicted to cookies...

There are a lot of health freaks who loathe everything, and everyone, who is less healthy than themselves, which is entertaining because eventually one's own genes will catch up with them, either that, car accidents or suicide bombers. No amount of running, cycling, cardio-workouts, face-fucking, fisting, boxing, or whatever is going to prevent death. Death happens. No amount of wishful thinking is going to get anyone through anything, especially without hope. I get irritated when I read these articles and I imagine kids in hospitals or in wheel-chairs or stuck on a couch because they're in so much pain from whatever disease or aliment. It's like this article is saying that "Only healthy people who can work out are allowed to feel good."

I suppose being limited in what I can do physically makes me frustrated when I see these articles like the one I read, but in reality it makes me feel better, because some people actually have to continue with taking drugs in one way or another. That same "high" effect, albeit slightly different than taking a drug, is still sought. You see it with runners when they have their own "high." It's like trading in a Ferrari (meth) for a Toyota Corolla (running). I'm sure marijuana is like a Winnebago. They're only trading one for another.

Ain't this shit the truth.

As for drugs themselves, I'm sure cocaine in moderation isn't problematic. Hell doctor's prescribe drugs all the time. I'm happy that my own feelings on these issues about feeling good or bad is seriously regulated to one thing alone, one single characteristic, which I believe is inherently human and breaks the limitations of biology and possible genes - unless genes contributed to it - and that is choice. I alone get to decide how "high" I want to be and whether or not I'm going to feel good about life or not. I can feel good and great mainly because I'm who I am.

The article can be found here, or below.

Denver (CNN) -- When Nick Nisbet says he once hit rock bottom, he means it. 

"I had a heroin overdose. I stopped breathing for too long, and I died. My heartbeat stopped and brain waves stopped," he said. "They had to jump-start me with the paddles." 

The 2006 episode finally persuaded Nisbet to kick his deadly drug habit. But getting clean -- and staying clean -- was a daunting proposition. 

"I'd tried to get sober many times," the 34-year-old said. "I tried the methadone clinic, I tried just cold turkey. But ... you need to fill the void with something." 

He tried 12-step meetings, but they depressed him. So when his girlfriend told him about Phoenix Multisport, a sober support community that offers free athletic activities, he agreed to check it out. 

"I reluctantly went, thinking it was just going to be a big waste of time," he said. "Turns out it was the best move I ever made in my life." 

Phoenix, named after the mythical bird that rises from its ashes, helped Nisbet rediscover his love of biking. It also connected him with other recovering addicts who wanted to be active. 

"They just make sure that you're staying sober and having fun doing it," he said. "It's the best support crew I could imagine having." 

More than 4,700 people have participated in Phoenix, which Scott Strode started in 2007. Most join the group because they've struggled with drug or alcohol addiction. 

"Life should be better once you get sober," said Strode, 38. "(We want to) help people build a new life, a new self-image and have fun without getting high." 

Strode developed his approach through hard-won personal experience. He started drinking when he was just 10 years old. By 15, he was using cocaine. 

His addictions intensified after college. One night, after a bender, he woke up on the bathroom floor. 

"Suddenly it dawned on me that if I didn't change things, I was going to overdose and that was going to be how my mother would find me," he said. 

He decided to give it all up for good. But that meant abandoning his entire social network, as everyone he knew was involved in drinking and drugs. 

Rising from the ashes 

"Overnight, your friends are gone, you're alone," he remembers. "It was a depressing first three months of recovery." 

Eventually Strode started working out at a boxing gym, and he later got involved with triathlons and climbing. These new activities kept him busy, and they also made him feel good.

"You start to believe you can succeed in whatever you do, whether that's your sobriety or ... crossing the finish line," he said. 

But for Strode, the most important factor was that many of the people he met through these activities were sober. With these friendships, he built a new support system. 

"It was surrounding myself with a group of people that would rather get up at 7 in the morning to climb a mountain than to stay up until 7 in the morning drinking and using," he said. "With influences like that, I just moved further away from the darkness of my addiction." 

In 2005, during a climbing trip, Strode realized that New Year's Eve had passed and he hadn't given so much as a thought to drugs or alcohol. He decided he wanted to share what he'd learned with others.  

A year later, Phoenix Multisport began offering programs in Boulder, Colorado. 

Phoenix offers around 50 programs every week, ranging from casual walks and yoga to mountain biking and ice climbing. Activities are led by field instructors, all of whom are in recovery and happy to show beginners the ropes.  

The organization provides the gear and also offers grants to help people purchase their own equipment. Nearly all events -- with the exception of overnight activities or ski trips -- are free. 

"It's a great way to introduce people into something that then later becomes ... sort of their coping mechanism, as opposed to picking up a drink or a drug, " Strode said. 

He notes that Phoenix isn't a substitute for any other recovery support program; in fact, many in the group are also in 12-step programs. But Strode believes the natural "high" that people get from Phoenix activities can be transformative. 

"Just getting the blood pumping again -- for a lot of our folks, it's been a long time since that's happened," he said. "The physical effects of exercise translate to your work, your family life, your belief in yourself." 

Anyone who has been sober for 48 hours is welcome to come to one of Phoenix's open sessions to participate in an activity and learn about the group.  

After attending several events, individuals are invited to join, provided they sign a pledge to treat everyone respectfully and stay sober. Some members are hard-core athletes, but the group welcomes people of all fitness levels. 

Most participants have never been active. 

Phoenix is now in four locations in Colorado: Boulder, Colorado Springs, Denver and Fort Carson, where the organization does outreach with veterans and active-duty military personnel.  

Strode would like to expand beyond Colorado later this year, and he hopes Phoenix will one day become a national program. 

Already, members can often be seen in their red-and-black Phoenix jerseys at competitions around the country. By being open about their sobriety, Strode hopes they're helping to reduce the stigma of addiction. 

"There's so much camaraderie, people often come up and ask us how they can join our club," he said. "We're having fun, and we're proud of being sober." 

Nisbet's pride in his sobriety is easy to spot. He sports tattoos on each finger to spell out "DRUG FREE." 

"I was proud to be Nick the heroin addict," he said. "When I stopped, I was just plain old boring Nick, I thought. ... Now I get my self-confidence by being able to go out and run a marathon or riding my bike for 100 miles. I like having that identity, as the guy that can do endurance sports. It feels good." 

Now married, Nisbet wants to set a good example for his 10-month-old son old by graduating from college. Just recently, he got a new tattoo to cover up one that he got when he was using. The design? A colorful phoenix. For him, the symbolism means a lot. 

"Anytime I look down and see (it), it's rising, so ... no more muttering around," he said. "Life is way too short to waste it doing drugs."

2012年2月14日 T4T: St. Valentine's Day

Two (posts) For Tuesday!

Anytime there is a holiday that isn't Jewish and it has other religious origins the debate in terms of whether or not to celebrate it is an issue for me. This issue is even more problematic with Russian Jews who have a "New Year's Tree", which is basically a Christmas Tree. Regardless of Christmas or Valentine's Day, I am always pissed off when people have their religious holidays compete with one another.

With that in mind, I never celebrate any holiday on my own volition if it is of religious origin and not a Jewish holiday. Yes, if I'm invited to a Christmas party, I might go, but I will not participate in giving gifts, or prayer. Every time this happens I remind myself of some questions, and while I never saw the following until today, I did keep some of the questions in mind, albeit the phrasing isn't my own.

1. Does the debated activity have a secular origin or value?
2. Can one rationally explain the behavior or ritual apart from the gentile holiday or event?
3.  If there are idolatrous origins, have they disappeared?
4. Are the activities actually consistent with Jewish tradition?

- Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, Poland, 1520-1572) who explains that there are four criteria that must be met in order to permit Jewish celebration of rituals initiated by Gentiles (Rama Y.D. 178:1 as interpreted by Rabbi Michael Broyde).

Do I feel like I'm missing out?
Not at all.

What single people do
as a response to VD
(I mean the holiday)

I don't feel this way because Christmas is a loose tradition, and because it's so loose to me it's easy to abandon and move on. The fact that Christmas was a loose tradition made it even more alien when celebrating it, and that goes for the rest of religious holidays outside of Jewish ones. I'm tried of celebrating holidays that make me feel like shit and alien when I participate, I end up being more miserable than I was without the holiday. I have spent at least 8-12 Christmases without family, and/or without the Christmas spirit.

The only phrase to get single people
out of participating in bullshit holidays.

So of course even though one of my exes sent me chocolate overseas for Valentine's Day, while we were in a long-distance relationship, I was still miserable and frustrated. One day of the year to say and show how much you love another person? How about doing a little bit everyday? Are we supposed to care because we give, or do we give because we care? That last question is a serious one that I will probably examine in my next relationship, because if someone cards because they gave they assume a certain degree of purchasing power or ownership over what they gave (time, money, etc). I don't want anyone to have purchasing power over me, or me over anyone else. It negates freedom of choice. And if you can't choose to love someone, then what's the fucking point?

Thankfully, the fun part is that I get to choose my own traditions now, but in reality that's how it's always was, I just didn't know it until I woke up.

2012年2月14日 Structures

Yesterday someone told me that a person should be happy when they have security and a structured life. I'm always amazed to hear this from atheists or religious extremists. Sometimes no matter what the structure is it doesn't make us happy, even though at times it does here or there. I would associate that "here or there" feeling with pleasure, which means it constantly has to be refreshed. Pleasure is always fleeting and never accommodates the depth of quiet contemplation, or dialog reflecting on the past.

***

I remember several trips to zoos and parks. Days that were supposed to be meaningful. Sometimes there was pleasure, but when I think about those times I don't really feel anything. With other instances yes, but of course it was a totally different feeling to begin with. Dates I went on, at least the ones I can remember, didn't have the depth that other, simpler things in life had. 

Long conversations with Dapl, or rather long monologues (6+ hours) from Dapl as he sat on the couch drinking. Sauna talk with Fozzjnen, drunkin'-chess-fight-clubin'-life's-bureaucracy-KILL-IT-DEATH-METAL: Jazz bitches PERKELE. Fig and I playing verbal tennis about life and what it means, and no one has or wants any points (gotta love tennis). Getting drunk and quoting lines from Office Space with Wainwright, fuckin' A. The ghost voice of Grillman: a disembodied voice to watch my own shadows. Staying up late counting cards while listening to Roy Orbison with Krimull, and of course downloading massive of amounts of porn, printing endless pages for insertion into large binders. I think that was while we were in middle school. Tennis scores, porn, conversation, beer, contemplation... What else is there? Of course God allows these things to fit somehow...

Would I take those things away?
Nope.

This place looks secure

Would I trade that for a structured life?
No.
A life with security? 

I don't know.
Would it make me happier? 

Probably not.

I could tell you what it means. I don't think you'd understand. How can I describe to you what it was and will be? It is what will be? Isn't it?

Am I less myself when I try to understand myself? I don't know. Or am I more? I don't know. Should I know who I am? I want to know. Who really knows who I am, outside of myself? I want to know.

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

Fuck you Franklin.

What is liberty? What does it mean to have emotional or spiritual liberty? Certainly some structured foundations could accommodate this on a case by case basis, but I could also show how one without structure could also have liberty.

***

Nothing looked normal,
but it never was anyhow.

I woke up sometime later. Damp and in pain, I tried to straighten my leg. It refused to cooperate so I felt around for my bag. I smelled like cheap booze and vomit. Though there was the after taste of it, I didn't see any vomit on my clothes or nearby. I recognized my location, because I was along side of large grove of blackberry bushes near my house. I shrugged smiling and stood up. My shoes were totally soaked, even though I didn't wake up in any mud or water puddles.

After walking about half a block I couldn't even remember if I woke up in or near the blackberry bushes. My hands were lightly bruised, and in pain from the cold. They smelled like smoke. For a moment I thought the situation was entertaining. I caught myself smiling to no one. I'm sure God watches.

I got home. Nothing looked normal, but it never was anyhow. Everything in white, outside of a few things. Of course nothing moved or looked mutated, but the absence of life gave the rooms a different look. The lifelessness still retained character and identity, just as the living-dead are not living, but still retain identity.

I took what felt like the longest 5 minutes shower, and drank two glasses of water.

The mirror frowned at me, and I stuck my tongue out at it. From a small portion of the mirror I saw a friend that I left in the hallway. Without looking away from the mirror the lights flicked off.

I woke up a few hours later on a bus to work. Or home? I couldn't remember which one it was. The other passengers looked like reptiles, always staring. Only blinking every so often. My eyes felt heavy, and I went back to sleep.

Waking up again, I missed my stop.

No driver, no passengers. everything was off and dark.
Someone or something from outside the bus said, "You should have expected me."
It wasn't a yell, but it wasn't a happy sounding voice either.
I felt around for my things. They were missing.
I hurried off the bus cautiously looking around for an ambush. It never came, and I didn't see anyone.

There was a bar nearby. As I opening the door it noticed a bright light on my face, from some kind of flashlight. When the light was gone, so was the bar.

I was outside again, damp and cold.
I recognized my location, because I was along side of large row of rose bushes near my house.
I took a rose and put it in my pocket. Then I smiled and stood up.

2012年2月13日 I hate work and it makes me a racist

Today I listen to the Portland police department's dispatch over the internet with my right ear - (here), - I keep the left open. I read the news and I wonder about life. Today like most days, we have customers, or rather, I have customers. Today's people come in, and they're mostly eastern Asian looking. That doesn't irritate me, what irritates me is how they never respond when I say "Hello" or acknowledge their presence. No raising of eyes-brows to acknowledge me, or them glancing at me so I can do it. No glance or nod, no wave of hands. Nothing!

Most wear hooded sweaters and as they scurry towards the computers, ignoring the rest of the world. Their movements are more detached than that of a strung out whore on Efukt. You know what I'm talking about, it's those whores in porn who do that 8-ball of meth, lest they have nightmares of when their "step-dad," the whore code-word for biological dad, did stuff to them as an adolescent.

So back to Asians. I personally don't have a problem with them, but I'm constantly irritated at the hive mentality of some of them. Eventually I'm just going to look at them all under one huge discriminating filter. The exact same way I look at the extremist black-hat Hasidim in Israel and nasty-Palestinians here. I can see it now: the Palestinians here get what they want and next thing you know all I see is women constantly being choked to "Allahu Akbar." Said really slowly. That and shitty sounds of ezan in the morning.

Anyway here's some videos.

They're short videos (30 seconds each?) so watch'em.

But how can those Palestinians even get what they want, when they get some stupid bitch talking about "martyrs"? And most of those who are "martyrs" probably can't even read above a 4rd grade level. I actually can't tell the difference between her message and dueling banjos.

And look at those black-hats dance! I swear, replace that music with something from DDR, add some drugs, glow-sticks, and black-lights and it's a rave! It's no wonder people don't fuck around with ultra-orthodox Jews. These guys can bust a move. Although I'm not sure if I posted this already... :\ ...Fuck it.

Again I digress. But damn those Asians do piss me off sometimes. Maybe it's my job, like most jobs, if you aren't in a "boss" or mid-level position you're not taken as someone who knows the ins and outs of procedures. Either way, without actually asking an employee a person (or apathetic Asian) doesn't really know the truth, and this applies to me as well. But it's not stopping me from looking down on them condescendingly when they treat me like shit or a fellow hive-worker (i.e. shit times two). Maybe it's because they don't push in their chairs, or they don't have those in Asian households. I'm sure it's because we all know chairs are for civilized people.

Reverse race card

2012年2月11日 Sim Shalom

I can't tell you what happened when it did.

Maybe most of the free beer is talking. 

I don't know.

Sim shalom tova uvracha

It repeats in my head along with Shoshana Damari's song about הרועה הקטנה מהגיא. I wish I could say more about today. The shortest version is bullet points.

• Woke up around 6am for shul
• Got to shul around 8:10am, I was first
• 9:40am, people at shul was pretty meager
• Kiddush. Had wine. I try not to miss the wine part among, eating to live, and sing praises to God, who is out there watching out for the treasured people.
• 3pm. The "round table" more or less was pretty crowded and lively as high hell, outside of our retired spy agent(s) who some how didn't appear
• I was invited out for some kind of vaudeville acts
• We waited at Thai restaurant with cross-dressing waiters, until the nearby theater opened.
• My headache from a day before went away after I had entered the theater and had a beer.
• My beer was paid for
• Food I remember getting was paid for
• I remember hot chicks dressed in 20's and 30's clothing playing ukelele
• I remember going home and needing to piss.  
• I started talking with a Marla Singer-looking chick who kind of looked like Helena Carter. She said that she drank a lot of beer and needed to piss. 
• We talked casually about being in the same position, buzzed, and needing to piss.
• We got on the same bus.
• She sat next to me 
• She started telling me I was cute. I had shaved in the morning, so that might have been why.
• She was at least 6 years younger than myself
• She kissed me several times on my cheek telling me I was cute.
• She had some kind of Tim-Burton style hat, ala Nightmare Before Christmas, I think the skull was of "Jack" but I've never seen the film.
• I asked her for her ID. I saw a PCC ID
• I saw her ID and saw 1990 for year of DOB
• She kissed me again, this time on the lips.
• She did it again, pulling closer
• I resisted with a FORCE OF VIOLENCE response: I kissed her back as she advanced to my lips.
• She said we might get kicked off the bus.
• I said she'd kick me off the bus
• We made out for about 2 seconds until it was my stop
• I winked at her as I got off the bus. She seemed caught off guard. I did it again while I was on the sidewalk
• I ran to my backpack. I could hear HUUUUUUUUUuUUUUUUHHHHhhhhH-HHHHFHFHFUUHHHHGGHGHHHHGHG as I breathed. I don't think I heard anything else.
• Stopping to catch my breath I felt intense pain in my knee.
• Free beer prevented this pain until I stopped.
• I remembered Shoshana Damari again
• I actually like Ruti Navon better, but I may be 20 years off....
• I thought about that Marla-esque chick. She made-out with a complete stranger.
• I made out with a complete stranger!
• I got home and thought about Sim Shalom and the porno flute I mentioned earlier.

Yep

Fuck my life,

I didn't expect the day to end the way it did. I suppose that's the wondrous thing about life sometimes, everything comes at us at once.
Those lyrics came back as I typed up what I genuinely believe as the truth. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. This isn't a seminar, this isn't a weekend retreat. 

....It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything....Everything is falling apart.

I almost want to invite you to this place.
It's amazing, scary, and worse, God actually answers in this place.