I used to be perfect

Somehow I will never understand how people can visibly ask a person,

"Are you okay?"

When that person is clearly not okay. This often happens to me when I'm limping.

"Is your knee giving you trouble?"

"No, today I just shit my pants so bad, I temporarily paralyzed my leg."

 These questions are even worse when people apologize.

"I'm sorry if I offended you."

Surely, you've heard of that before, either directly or as you listen in on another's conversation.

Usually people use that phrase when they HAVE already offended people, but due to complex verbal judo of the ninth degree an offender is able to flank responsibility for a few more seconds.

I'm one of the worst offenders.

2012年6月2日 The Amidah

Standing and praying is something I enjoy.

At least until my knee is fucking burning from arthritic pain to the point where I can't concentrate.

I hate it when I can't concentrate because of the pain.

There have been times in my life where pain has literally made whatever I've done uncomfortable to the point where I can't concentrate or perform a task. Whether it's concentration, listening, talking with someone, sex, motorcycling, etc. pain somehow makes doing those things so difficult I almost can't hear anything.

It's miserable.

2011年4月12日 Nice game of chess and rain

The down pour has been especially rough here, lately it's just another sign of spring.

It's funny how people complain about rain here, including me at times. We know it rains. We know it's gloom and doom, in terms of lack of actually feeling or seeing the sun. We know this, and yet we still complain. Whose fault really is it? We know that this is how it is here and yet we once again do nothing, other than remain in our situation and complain. Some of us are brave, stupid, or clever enough to know whether or not if this kind of living is healthy for us or not.

I have often wondered those things when I am looking at the rain or am caught within it. It's when I also see the angry, and devastated looks on people's faces. I wonder if they realize that this is where they want to be? Something let them stay, or something brought them here. Do they know they can leave anytime? Sure it's not easy - nothing worth doing usually is, but do they really understand that's how it is here? Do they really understand it's a choice to stay or to go? Do they understand that the rain has a flip-side to it? Do they believe that sunshine all day will cure them of this dark and gloomy weather we have periodically throughout the year? Do they sweat hard so they don't have tears to cry? Do they understand that the sun on their shoulders everyday could whither their skin, brain or soul? Do they? Do I? Yes. I believe I do. I believe.

If she doesn't like the rain, she
can always leave whenever she wants!

A girl in my class from California gripes about the rain often and how blah blah blah "In Oregon there isn't much to do..." blah blah blah. I always look at her like she suffers from mild-retardation, mainly because I have told her to leave if she doesn't like it. I shit you not, she said, "This is my third school." Which translates to, "I'm not moving anymore" or "My parents won't let me." As far as I'm aware of she's only been going to college for about a 1.5 years. I almost choked at the ridiculousness of her commentary. She'll never be happy or content with herself, and because of that she blames other things for not accommodating her. I almost wanted to ask her if she was excessively spoiled as a child, but I had a feeling I knew the answer to that already. It doesn't surprise me that we have never gotten along. But amazingly, I have no personal issues or complaints about her. I only have general issues with her behavior towards me, and those things are broad and sweeping ones.

My problem with the rain isn't only that I'm cold and miserable. I don't need rain for that. My problem is mainly with my knee, because the knee will do what it wants either in good weather and bad. Sometimes it's hard to overcome the physical pain when I can't even walk, sit, or ride in a car without a constant burning. But I digress somewhat.

Rain is here. Clouds are here. Sometimes we enjoy the rain because it reminds us of life. A lot of other people find the rain to be a depressant. Frankly speaking, if we don't like how things are, we with ourselves are personally accountable for the decisions to stay, go, or to look outside and trust that the rain may not come today. Everyday I wake up, I try to remind myself that I'm responsible for my life alone as I can't ask anyone else to seize command of my life with integrity, especially if I don't value my life as something that has integrity. If I have no integrity towards my own life, how can I genuinely believe that someone else will dictate mine with integrity?

So I get up, look outside, and assess my situation. At that point I realize I can't blame the weather, my neighbor, or his dog that shits on the lawn. - Actually, I can and do blame the neighbor dog for shitting on the lawn and his master, but that's another issue completely. - And if I find blame when I wake up, I can only blame myself because I have a choice to get up in the first place. I have the choice not to go to work, not to go to school, not to play a game without winners such as Tic-Tac-Toe. Which according to some writers is a "Strange game. [Where] [t]he only winning move is not to play [the game]."

So I woke up this morning looking at the weather, thinking of a phrase I heard yesterday,

"Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?" 

I didn't matter to me what the rain did, because I knew the weather and it knew itself. I chose not to believe that the rain was anything but rain, and it promised nothing other than that. It reminded me of playing chess with Fozzjnen. Yes, we played a game (chess) and yes there is only one winner. When the game is concluded and put away, I can still look across and see him standing there knowing he isn't a game. He isn't a piece for me to move around. Just like the rain here.

2012年4月8日 Arthritis and emotions

PVNS, feels like

I honestly think that there is a seriously correlation between how I feel and pain in my knee. Sometimes my emotions increase or decrease pain, and I suppose that's why Oregon has medical marijuana. Frankly speaking my knee will do what it wants regardless of how I feel sometimes.

Today, it more or less faired well, compared to this evening, where the burning and general emotional disgust took over. I feel like bashing my head into a wall when it gets that deep. Sometimes the pain is so much I want to scream out loud while crying in complete horror. Just like this chick here (URL, starts at 14:17). I think once Wainwright heard me in my room once groaning from intense physical pain, although he thought I was waxing my carrot at the time.

The burning is endless. It's always there. It's fucking disgusting. It's worse when I see people look at me like they're sorry. I almost want to vomit on them, since they make the same faces that homeless people make, the "No cure, no hope, no way to change" kind of face. Desperation does that to people regardless of whether or not they're burning from arthritic pain, emotional, or the shame in being a hobo. Maybe one could have all three? Hopefully, a person isn't in that kind of position, because without hope or change/progression it's so fucking disgusting. At that point there is No Reason To Live.

Thankfully, I have hope. Because I know realistically there is no cure, and the best thing I can do is endure pain, because life does get better with pain, once I harness it. When pain becomes the master, a person is truly fucked. At least until they overcome it.

2012年4月4日 ARRRGGHH!H!!!!

FML

I hate it when I go to a concert and I spend most of my time sitting, unable to actually see the bands. With that I said, I don't mind getting free beer and enjoying good company. However there is a downside to the beer.

Me: "Drinking makes the pain in my knee worse."

Fozzjnen: "When I drink the pain in my shoulder and back goes away."

Me: "Fuck my life."

2012年4月3日 Angel Cop

"Shit, what in the name of fuck is going on in there?!"
"Fuck you baby!"

These lines happen to come from one of the most important and, albeit dubiously, dubbed Japanese animations ever.

Somehow my arthritic pain reminded me of this animation, I have no idea why.

At least so far.

2012年3月26日 I don't like random

I will always say it, but - which is a nice way to say, "I will say it as long as I can remember or don't change my mind." BUT - I don't believe anything is random, at least when humans are involved. I don't think it's possible for someone "out of the blue" begin laughing for no reason. I believe there is a reason. If that reason is chemical or just some sick joke the person doesn't want to share, it's still a reason and therefore not random. Kind of like finding really strange and awkward statements written on bathroom stalls. You may think, "Oh, well that's random." What you really should be concerned about is why someone carries a sharpie around with them...

A cock or My cock on a rail,
it's soo random!

My knee this morning gave me a lingering pain that sucked all life out of my eyes and the motivation to do anything other than lie back down to dream. I don't believe the pain was random. I'm sure there is a reason, but at present I can't put my finger, hand, cock, whatever on it. I genuinely believe that emotional pain affects the physical body, and vice-versa. In fact, even medical doctors agree that those suffering from the burning sensation of arthritis suffer from depression. Kind of like the economy. I guess there isn't much to say since my cock is on the fence perched on a rail regarding this issue.

Anyway, pain and I shared a blanket this morning and throughout the day. I don't know why, but I don't believe it's random. No, I'm not hiding some kind of secret (outside of party liquor, depression, and indecision), but I am dealing with difficult things in life right now.

As for real randomness, I used the number generator found here.
I put a min of 1, and a max of 365.
I got 201.


I could always call the waaaahmbulance for my knee.

2012年3月16日 I spend my days spent, PVNS

I got home around 1:30 pm. It was a shorter day than normal.

First things first, I dicked around on the computer for a bit, and then put some laundry in the washing machine. On the massage chair I spent 20 minutes getting my lower back massaged aggressively by an automated system, which is probably modeled from large black men still in prison. I'm sure whoever invented the massage chair got his idea from descriptions of prison rape. Around 4 pm I went to lie down since my knee was bothering me among other things.



LET ME SLEEP

3:53 AM the next day, I woke up still in pain from my knee. Of course throughout the night I couldn't sleep because of dreams and hearing strange noises in my dreams. - Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

It's frustrating that I spent the whole day trying to recover from frustration regarding my knee only to realize that frustration with it never going to go away, as I'm not a doctor and I can't fix it*. Moreover I have other things I need and want to do which I can fix and can maintain. But as they say, can and want are two different things, if they aren't close cousins.

* I can mitigate the pain, but frankly speaking it will be there regardless of what I do physically, emotionally or intellectually. However, when all those things work at the same time most of the pain and frustration is nonexistent, except when the knee does what it wants anyhow. It's a constant battle of learning to work with a part of me that dominates life.

I can't just give up and ignore it.

I have to work with it because it's part of me and affects how I feel, and negates how I think if I don't.

2012年3月13日 The sound cold makes

Over the past few days, along with celebrations over the holiday and spending time with alcohol, - in my system until I passed out in the shower, found later by the Fozzj - I came to the conclusion that cold makes a sound.

Cold makes a sound that cancels out all other sounds. Cold is a form of pain, but not exclusive to it. Its sound fluctuates, but again still neutralizes all other sounds, including the sounds of our emotions. Cold pain is the best example of such.

What does it mean to neutralize the sound of an emotion? To neutralize hate? Neutral hate? What about neutral love? I can only imagine that neutralizing any emotion is basically the total absence of the emotion, from having either opportunity to affirm itself or negate itself.

***

When I woke up it was my stop. Both of my legs had fallen asleep and were painfully numb. I felt an extreme amount discomfort, pain, and warmth from only the swollen areas of my arthritic laden knee. I hobbled for the doors mimicking a drunk crab. "Hold the door.." I mustered, grabbing onto every railing, as my legs shimmied outside.

The air was wet and miserable. Noise everywhere, but my numbness, pain, and cold took all of it away. I didn't even realize I was cold until I tried to think of something. "[S]omething" never happened.

Bring out your dead!

I took off my cap letting my head get wet. 

Then I reached into my front pocket 

for a coffin nailed and hammered away.

I hammered until the cold was smoked out.
For a moment, I felt sick. Shoddy hammering maybe? 

Or was it something else?

I stopped hearing anything, feeling anything, it got cold.
It was the sound of nothing again.

When I got home went to bed immediately. Staring at the ceiling I felt, for a brief moment, jubilation.

Shedding a tear I slept for 12 hours.

2012年2月29日 Don't avoid it

My morning started extremely shitty, instead of actually taking the bus, I ended up driving (now that I have another car to use, albeit briefly). The bus wasn't the issue, it was my knee, depression and lack of physical motivation to eat food. I knew I should eat food and hadn't in awhile, but my body wouldn't respond accordingly even though I knew I needed something to eat.

I got to work about an hour early like I normally do. I waited 10 minutes with the car off before I even got out, since I was so cold and tired. I felt miserable because of the rain, or miserable that I can't limp fast enough in the rain to escape it. I bought a bag of nuts, for putting in my mouth, and found a place to eat my lunch for breakfast.

I felt a little better.

Checking something online,

2012年2月28日 T4T: "Just whispers...

that wait for you to sleep

And when you dream,
We'll come for you and breathe in your pain"

 "Gimme a pack of that then." 

"The wrong word
When you cry,
I will be" -
voices in my dream

 Over the past 2 or 5 days I have been feeling arthritic pain that sucks terribly. Of course drinking again hasn't helped, and my knee has made me feel miserable. Knee in pain, pain beyond the physical, boredom, and my heart and sole. Maybe it's because of the cheap shoes? Maybe I need a more expensive pair to support my knee and sole. Maybe it's all the nightmares. Maybe it's the dreams I'm having: the ones I can't talk about.

***

2012年2月9日 Personal messages

Today my knee hurt so bad I gave up with trying to exist around others. I couldn't focus on anything, and I wasn't necessary for sticking around, so I left.

I got home, checked my email and found out that,

"Of all the students I have gotten to know over the past years as 'den mother', you have shown the most rapid development in 'getting what Judaism is all about!'

Faith, community and learning, learning, learning are a way of life and your personal decisions about how much of those ideals you make a part of your daily living will determine how you proceed as a Jew."

Hey, at least there was good news! Now I'm going to soak in the bath... 

2012年2月7日 Sicko'd

I'm not lying, when I say
that I can't make this shit up.

Sometimes when I watch videos of rappers in large groups dancing, I almost feeling like Michael J. Fox is controlling their movements with some kind of human scale marionette controller.

Sources:

Snoop Dogg (should start at 2:26 automatically)

Snake Hips

***

Last night was terrible. I was unable to get into a decent position so that I could get some sleep. Being congested fucked with consistent breathing, moreover, when I was able to get into a good position, my knee started to hurt terribly. It took me over five hours to get 5 hours of sleep. Albeit most of that sleep was interrupted due to chest and knee pain. So far, I'm slowly feeling like I'm getting better, but now my nose is getting out of control. There's as much discharge as there are from whores in Australia. Crickey!

Nightmares reoccur occasionally, and my last major one was Sunday morning. My drinking has been cut down to nothing, mainly because I can't afford it and because some of my other objectives, goals, and (wet-)dreams are more important.

I was reminded again today of a short story that pissed me off, and maybe it's because of the above mentioned nightmares.

It's called "Suigetsu." A short story by Kawabata Yasunari. At some point in the story the narrator reflecting on her first husband, before his death due to TB (Total-Bitch syndrome), is told by her second husband that,

"Healthy love is something that only exists in healthy people". 

Sounds like she married a total asshole. Too bad for her previous husband, obviously he wasn't cool enough to fight TB and live. Interestingly enough, my lungs make me feel as if I'm suffering in the same manner... But I digress.

Frankly speaking, I suppose what irritates me about being sick is that I know when I'm sick I can't pay attention to new instruction sometimes. Other things, yes, such as observational skills when mentally assessing something function slightly slower than normal, or at the same pace, but being patient enough to watch someone's mannerisms and wonder if they're okay, or taking time to acknowledge that is something is difficult when I'm sick.

Sharp and constant pain almost encourages zero patience when my knee is hurting to the max (see volume set to 11). Of course, I may appear callous and probably am, but I am more concerned with helping that person off the ground than letting them lie there. Talking to them about why they are on the ground, while they are still there is for counselors and people with no dicks or balls. This doesn't mean, though it might imply, that I ignore what put them there on the ground. Absolutely not, I would or have, always pulled people up eagerly in my dick-ish-way telling them how they failed as I stand them up. Of course, I can't stand anyone up, even myself if they are unwilling or unable. I know this well, as I have PVNS.

I can say that my bravery to face PVNS and still smile says at least something... If I had a theme song, it would reluctantly be Brave Sir Robin's

Now that I'm sick and the day is through, 
I'm going to lie down and dream of the blue, 

crack rocks, and music of French porno (URL) flicks*,
Making me think about why I'm sick.


*(NSFW, start at 57minutes)

2012年1月20日 "Fuck" #004

Yes, your life sucks

When someone tells you, "Never pet a burning dog." You really shouldn't do it.

I stayed up all night, because I couldn't sleep due to my knee. As always I try to figure out the most difficult way to solve it, so that I can deal with life. It doesn't always work.

"I get off work around noon, then I'll duck out and force myself to get a decent night's rest!" I thought blissfully focusing on the concept of sleep, until I realized that I had class later today.

And I must attend that class.

Fuck...

So I have to stay until around 2 pm, getting home around 3:30 pm if I'm lucky. As for my knee, it's getting to the point where I can't go throughout the day without it demanding my attention at least 20-50 times a day, and that's an approximation! 

Fuck it.
At least I'm not Keanu Reeves.

2012年1月12日 Colder

It's getting colder outside and quickly, it's killing my knee faster than the government is with our civil liberties. I honestly can't see a difference between the two at times, since the quality of life goes down either way.

2012年1月10日 Body language bullshit

Uhh what?

The above image is an example of body language. 

Can you tell what is going on?

Sometimes I wonder what my face looks like when someone sees it while my knee happens to be bothering me. It's no surprise that limping around in pain is not something you do while smiling, unless you're an asshole. Or bored, but that's the only other exception. But there are also times where I see someone eye-balling me while I'm in pain or limping, so I smile at them. Even though prior to smiling I'm frowning from my joint pain (insert pot reference here).

This image doesn't explain
how someone is a douche bag!

For a long time I usually got weird stares return, but then it occurred to me that some people probably don't know why I'm frowning in pain. I would not be surprised if they ended up more confused than bothered by my frowning or awkward smiling. There is no way to explain the complexity of my feelings and the reasoning behind it with facial features only. 

When people talk about body language saying, "70 percent of communication, blah blah, is strictly body language." they're probably a douche-bag designed for the consumption of wildebeests' cunt and/or butt hole.

2012年1月5日 Pain again

What I normally do when pain isn't an issue.

My knee has brought back pain and emotional misery. I'm trying to avoid feeling miserable, but it's annoying when I cannot focus on anything other than the pain. I've heard the suggestions, or bullshit, about working through pain by trying to think the pain away. So far it doesn't work for me.

But if it's true and it works, then I suppose people in the process if being disemboweled could think their pain away. Or rather, would parents who spank their children say the following before applying force? "Don't worry, you can think the pain away!" 

Outside of that, I heard from someone earlier today that I might have a "Jewish soul". 

That's probably the highlight of my year so far.

2011年11月2日 Another day of this?

I figured not having (party) liquor in my life would have made things easier on my joints. From poor to no diet, and then to a diet again, I am confused why my knee hurts when I'm actually trying to eat healthier and wholesome foods. When I didn't eat a meal or anything of substance for at least 12 hours, besides 3 cups of coffee, my knee didn't complain as much. Now my knee complains almost every standing or stretching moment! It sure as hell didn't have a problem with waking me up last night. Or was it the report I read about how "Loneliness may cause fitful sleep: study [link]"? I guess I'm shit out of luck, since arthritis is going to do what it wants regardless of whether or not I'm lonely. Hell it's even woken up those I've shared a bed with in the past when I can't sleep or I am woken up in severe pain.

Wait-wait, back to drinking. 

I think drinking isn't as a big of a deal compared to what one person I know put it, 

"Since a family member of mine is an alcoholic, a nasty drunk, and I'm not comfortable with drinking that I perceive as excess [see nasty drunks], being that close to me, I wouldn't have that in my life."

Who said anything about being drunk? I didn't.

Excess does not mean drunk, at least not in my book. I have a book now.
Most people do say "Everything in moderation." And moreover, what about a nasty love? Now that sounds pretty bad.
Or what about a polite drunk, or a polite love? Yeah? Do you want that purple stuff now, next to the Sunny D?
Does anyone ever really want to know if the drinking is the problem or the problems prior to the drinking are more worthy of discussion? It always seems like people blame drinking, and yet there are things in place to correct such, like AA (not batteries). But what about everything before the drinking?

Happy drunks DO exist!

If you have a river, and you dam it up, it will flood something neighboring it. This isn't good. Unless you're an asshole. We ought to work with what we already have and feel inside, as these things almost never change especially if it is part of who we are as a core person. I think that's how we should go about ourselves. Looking back at the river for guidance, unless we somehow manage to remove the water from the equation we could change. But this is just a metaphor. And if that water, is a desire or rather a part of us, and we remove it, are we even human? Are we still ourselves? Who knows? Outside of what you look like and your name, could your friends and family identify who you are? Could you do it for yourself? Everything in moderation could mean that in lieu of epic drinking as a bachelor one should get married. 

According to the definition of "drink" within the parameters of marriage, "drink" equates to something like this:

1. (a) drink

Something that wives keep count of when you are at a party.

For example, after a couple of hours laughing and joking with the men, your wife will slide up to you and say in a very accusing tone of voice, "That's your fourth drink, you know".

Women can keep track of drinks, but they can't keep track of my credit card's limit?
What the fuck? I bet most don't even know how many pairs of shoes they have. Unless they wear flats or tennis shoes often, because those women are usually lesbians or don't trust other women anyhow (such as their own mother or siblings).

So last night thinking about this shit Funk #49 came on my mp3 player, and I had a desire to get loaded while on the train. It would have been awesome. Instead, I just sat there jamming out, then some kids around 10 years old came into my area to take a few seats, and by I few I mean like five. There were only 3 kids. The conversation was basically about how they can use their Food Stamps EBT card to buy things under ten dollars and then return them to the store for cash. Eventually those kids got off, and some black homey looking dude with his white girlfriend who was wearing pajama pants were squawking over why he hit her in front of her family. Eventually they got off too. When the white, guido-looking dude got off we shared a glace he gave me a slight smirk that basically said,

"Man, TNB." 

I'm sure he was thinking this since he didn't adjust back to the original intended use of the seat until the previous noise makers stepped off the train.

The Lesson?

Alcohol alone or while single is bad. Women without alcohol is bad.

But alcohol AND women is okay, because they'll be the one keeping track of how many you've had.
This way you can still be the man and the one who drives.

And as always it's important to go to bed smiling. I know I did last night, although for other reasons, until I was FUCKING WOKEN UP AT 2:43AM BECAUSE OF MY GODDAMN KNEE. Fuck!

But yes, I got some water and went back to bed, thinking and praying.

House and Wilson have it figured out already.

2011年10月28日 Interlopers

He didn't drive fast enough. So I passed him and everyone else who was on board with his mentality. From the far right lane it was the easiest thing, and no surprise that it was totally empty. I could tell today was going to be just as cold if not colder than the previous day, so saith my knee, or was it the hunger that drove my knee towards frustration? Probably both.

Blue skies, still damp with lingering darkness. I was letting the cold in at two-sixty-eight, which is my way of saying: two windows down, and 68 miles per hour. Lights on the road began to shut off, but I didn't stop smiling. There wasn't much else to do, other than to do what I've said I declared intention of doing. So far I've upheld all ends, or am in the process of such, outside of sharing want and desire. Yet of those two, they seem more of a disease. But I do not know. The ends that have yet to be held up in completion are often the most arbitrarily hardest ones for me, although they obviously are financial ones since the burdens of surgery expenses, my present living situation, and public-trans fucking my super-pass up has made life miserable at times. But I still smiled this morning, neither dismissing nor welcoming the darkness as it fled west. I watched the sun chase it away.

Inside I feel that it's cold here as well, which may or may not be a good thing since it helps me wonder about people. Thoughts drift towards if they can make the distinction between mercy and sacrifice, or even with greed and love. And I smile, because I can see the want to have both in most people's behavior, and it's even more apparent when it is feasible for them to have both with impunity. Why wait for impunity? Is not such without responsibility or integrity? To execute love with impunity? I don't know if such is possible with humans.

Is it a desire or a disease?

Are my thoughts and feelings even welcomed to question such?
I don't know, but I do know it's still beautifully cold outside, even though it's just as cold on the inside, sometimes uglier.

2011年10月16日 In Before Out

Tonight. Nothing but pain in the knee.
And Opeth.
If it's self-inflicted, then it ought to be said that the cause of such is due to life itself.