2012年3月30日 Women and sleep

Watch the fuck out!

The other day Krimull sent me a message about his wife playing some kind of joke on him while he's asleep or slowly waking up. 

First, I should say that KRIMULL IS NOT A MORNING PERSON.  I know this pretty well, when we were younger I'd try to open blinds and take his blanket. That guy was worse than a 14 year old girl on her period. How he reacted more than that, or how it's possible I have no idea. To this day the only conclusion I have is that he was roiding out.

Second, being married is like saying, "Today put my nuts in the blender." Okay not all (92.23 ± 5 %) marriages are like that.  If his marriage was puppy dogs and rainbows he wouldn't have told me what he told me! In all seriousness, I'm sure things are fine. Most shit like this happens when people are bored, kind of like the time he used a bullhorn to wake me up... That mother fuc Kids will be kids.

On a side note, he has 5 dogs, so there must be a serious fucking shortage of rainbows.

Anyway, here's what he said,  

"She's pissed off at me because she woke me up with to she me a bike light and shined it in my eye right as I woke up. And ignored her when I woke up and went to work."

So tonight when he goes home, I hope he's bringing home chocolate or ice-cream. Because unless it's resolved, I have a feeling that next time his wife will go all Kathy Bates in Misery on him.

Kathy Bates in Misery

"God, I love you."

2012年3月29日 Keep out OR enter

I love it when life or signs in life are self-explanatory, cutting not only the middle man - in half with a fucking, yes sexual intercourse, chainsaw - but also bullshit as well. Today was a no B.S. assessment of work and progress with work, and work. It was nice, kind of like putting feet in warm water because the sun is out long enough to heat the water. This is also how my feet get sunburned often...

2012年3月28日 Fucking internet!

Video heavy

Yeah...
(Steve Obscure, copyright)

Using the internet is awesome, until you realize the porn, or 14, er, 18 year old girl you're trying to cyber with happens to be a 37 year old gay man. But that's the magic of the internet, and that same magic of the internet is entertains me when I'm bored.

Here are a few sites I'd suggest:

YTMND, You're the man now dog!

YouTube, duh.

Fark.com, which rates news articles and so forth as "scary", "funny," "sick," etc.

When all else fails, use YouTube to make yourself feel better, as you make fun of a 19 year old black  guy, who ends up getting caught fucking pitbulls on camera. 

Don't believe me? 

Watch the news report below. I wonder if the guy fucking the dog was thinking, "Georgia['s] on my mind!"

But wait there is more!
Watch a little girl get shot down by a TIE-fighter

Prank calls, I love these things.

Quotes:

"To me, I don't want anybody touching me...

I don't know what's going on....

I heard him screaming...

If he comes back I'm gonna choke this nigga out...

...I'ma serve this bitch up some cold Ramen noodles.

...Jewish Ninjas..."

2012年3月27日 "All wishes"

I saw a Depeche Mode t-shirt which gave me an urge to listen to some. Bad idea. 

Instead I ended up listening to Lacuna Coil - a band I've seen live, but sounds waaay better in the studio. Their cover of "Enjoy the Silence" (URL here) makes me want to cut myself while crying in a bathtub with the shower on hot. Hello Tuesday afternoon...

As I spend part of this week overcoming frustration, doubt, and grey skies I wonder. I wonder about money, life, the future and what it means. What's important? At this point in my life, I actually don't think money is important. I really don't, yes it helps with goals or tasks. But does money actually make dreams come true? If money does make dreams come true why aren't some of the richest people in America or anywhere else in the world happy? How come rich people get grey hair or frown? If I had a lot of money I would probably blow all of it on prostitutes. I've always had this fantasy of using hookers for life-sized chess games...

Anyhow, I think Ms. Woelke over at Shearim blog has it more or less figured out, at least for herself and certain aspects of my feelings,

All wishes will never be fulfilled

Every human being on this planet has desires, wishes and expectations. There is a theory in psychology that unfulfilled expectations can cause depression. Not all our wishes are being fulfilled. Thta's life and G – d alone decides what we get, what we don’t get and where we succeed or fail. 

Most people only seem to concentrate on material things instead of looking at the spiritual side. Let me tell you one thing from experience: Money doesn’t make you happy ! What money does is providing you a secure life without any worries about paying the rent. However, money won’t give you joy but more sorrows. Just wait until the tax authorities will come after you. [sic] - M. Woelke

Right now doing what I love is important, and while I'm not completely there yet I'm working on it. Being around those I love also is part, if not the most important part of that. And I'm getting that more or less. Even if they aren't around when I need them or want them, am I unloved? Unloved? Probably not. Of course it also depends on why I'm loved. Do they care because they give love? Or do they give love because they care? 

Once again the rain picks up outside and all I'm left with is myself, for now, and those who want to stick around. Just like I stick around with them. So when I read "All wishes..." I often remember the phrase, "A friend to all, is a friend to none". We have to make choices.

2012年3月27日 T4T: SCREW YOU BENNY!

Recently an ad came to my attention, mainly because it was deleted due to dishonesty from the seller. I wish there was more to say about the ad, but there isn't much other than the seller flat out lied and was caught lying. Here is the response from the seller, and then the moderator who then banned the poor dumb bastard.

The PDB:

"I was embarrassed and tried to save face and quickly changed my attitude and admitted my wrong doing."

The mod:

"You changed your attitude because you were caught and then changed it again because you were shown to further be dishonest. I have now fixed the problem with your dishonesty." [Emphasis mine]

Fixed the problem?
"How?" You ask?
"SCREW YOU (BENNY)! YOU MOTHER FUCKER! NOW, & FOREVER & EVER FUCK YOU!" Was more or less what the moderator really wanted to say, I'm sure of that.

This situation reminded me of a specific part of the song Screw You (Benny) by AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE. I've put in bold the lyrics I think are relevant.

Lyrics:
Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x4]
I thought you were my friend
And a fugitive just like me
A taxi driving freak
With five kids to feed
Then you betrayed me
Did you do it for money?
Were you consumed with greed?
I thought you were a family man
With four kids to feed
Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x2]
You betrayed me
You betrayed me
Now you're out for blood
To make me your kill
I must put a stop to this
By impaling you with a drill
Screw you
Screw you
Screw you Benny
[x3]
You betrayed me
You betrayed me
So screw you
Screw you Benny

2012年3月26日 I don't like random

I will always say it, but - which is a nice way to say, "I will say it as long as I can remember or don't change my mind." BUT - I don't believe anything is random, at least when humans are involved. I don't think it's possible for someone "out of the blue" begin laughing for no reason. I believe there is a reason. If that reason is chemical or just some sick joke the person doesn't want to share, it's still a reason and therefore not random. Kind of like finding really strange and awkward statements written on bathroom stalls. You may think, "Oh, well that's random." What you really should be concerned about is why someone carries a sharpie around with them...

A cock or My cock on a rail,
it's soo random!

My knee this morning gave me a lingering pain that sucked all life out of my eyes and the motivation to do anything other than lie back down to dream. I don't believe the pain was random. I'm sure there is a reason, but at present I can't put my finger, hand, cock, whatever on it. I genuinely believe that emotional pain affects the physical body, and vice-versa. In fact, even medical doctors agree that those suffering from the burning sensation of arthritis suffer from depression. Kind of like the economy. I guess there isn't much to say since my cock is on the fence perched on a rail regarding this issue.

Anyway, pain and I shared a blanket this morning and throughout the day. I don't know why, but I don't believe it's random. No, I'm not hiding some kind of secret (outside of party liquor, depression, and indecision), but I am dealing with difficult things in life right now.

As for real randomness, I used the number generator found here.
I put a min of 1, and a max of 365.
I got 201.


I could always call the waaaahmbulance for my knee.

2012年3月25日 New things

Today the Fozzjen got beef instead of chicken. He must have felt kind of lucky to choose beef. Actually he said that if he got beef this time, he wouldn't have to try or wonder about it later. He can always got back to chicken, which we know has served him well and never has been an issue, except for the chicken. But who gives a fuck about the chicken? It's dead!

When I was 15 years old I got my very own, I don't have to share, computer. I got it from my aunt who thought I was some kind of super-leet-hacker. I was everything but a super-leet-hacker. In any case, the computer came with Windows ME as the default OS. I should have known after the first blue screen of death that the computer was complete evil and was making my life fucking miserable. I actually tricked myself into believing it would be easier to stick with ME and trouble-shoot it when needed instead of switching over to XP, which was no cup-cake itself at the time. Wrong, WRONG!

Eventually the computer died and I was kind of sad, but when I had a chance to use XP for more than 4 hours I felt like a total moron for waiting so long. I couldn't believe how much easier it was to use and that it didn't fail as much with my epic downloading porn needs. Also, I could customize the theme to resemble what I was used to in terms of color and layout making things a little less alien for me. Of course I knew I could have done this before I started using XP, but I was more or less afraid to relearn something new after getting adjusted to ME. 

Unlike other types of software such as MS Office 2003 to MS Office 2010, ME to XP was a necessary step; however, MS Office 2010's layout is all over the fucking place and it's genuinely difficult to navigate coming from a 2003 background. That is an instance of where upgrading actually has made life difficult. But what if life is already difficult and miserable? Like my experience with ME? - No pun intended. Eventually the switch to XP had made my life a less stressful. 

Evolution is like that.

When that fails, it's time to fucking smash the computer and start over from scratch.

And no, getting Mac is not the fucking-answer, ever.

2012年3月24日 Oh Henry....

HENRY (FUCK YES) ROLLINS

Henry Rollins is a sweet bad-ass motherfucker. Even with Black Flag, Rollins in his own band or as a speaker is just awesome. But that's not what I'm going to talk about today.

Once a friend told me something important about an ex-gf I had in Japan. I had just been jilted by the ex and was so confused, in fact I was so fucked emotionally I wasn't able to believe or comprehend she was able to jilt me after doing nice things with me within two weeks before she left. So basically my friend of mine was like, "Dude, just get over the bitch." But I couldn't, because I literally wasn't able to look at her actions as foul-able. That was a mistake.

I guess I wasn't able to hold her responsible for hurting me since I was in blind-idiot-YOU-FUCKED-MY-HEART-YOU-FUCKING-CUNT-HOLE-BITCH-YOU-FUCKING-LIAR!-love with her. Maybe I thought she was too special to have fucked me over. Maybe. Even when I was confused emotionally, I wasn't able to get angry. Later on in life I realized she never really loved me, except when she was riding my hips. Now I can say with a smile on my face, "Fuck you you gook-eyed liar!" But seriously, I wish her well with- whatever... No, in actual seriousness I don't even waste my time wishing her well, I have other shit to worry about.

But anyway, today I read an email that included the (Henry) Rollins Band song Liar, and it reminded me of that ex within seconds. I'm sure we've all faced liars, or worse we ended up being one at one point or another, either with someone or with ourselves. It's a shame I didn't hear this the day after she broke up with me, it probably would have helped. Who knows?

Lyrics:

You think you're going to live your life alone
In darkness and seclusion
Yeah, I know
You've been out there
And tried to mix with those animals
And it just left you full of humiliated confusion

So you stagger back home and wait for nothing
But the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets
And now you're desperate
And in need of human contact
And then you meet me
And your whole world changes
Because everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear
So you drop all you defenses
And you drop all your fears
And you trust me completely
I'm perfect in every way
Cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside
You feel so lucky
But your ego obscures reality
That you never bothered to
Wonder why things are going so well
You want to know why?

CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
YEAH, I'M A LIAR!
I'LL RIP YOUR MIND OUT
I'LL BURN YOUR SOUL!
I'll turn you into me
I'll turn you into me
CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
A LIAR!
A LIAR, A LIAR!

I'll hide behind a smile
And understanding eyes
And I'll tell you things that you already know
So you can say
I really identify with you, so much
And all the time that you're needing me
Is just the time that I'm bleeding you...
DON'T YOU GET IT YET?
I'll come to you like an affliction
But I'll leave you like an addiction
You'll never forget me
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
YEAH, I'M A LIAR!
I'LL RIP YOUR MIND OUT
I'LL BURN YOUR SOUL!
I'll turn you into me
I'll turn you into me
CAUSE I'M A LIAR!
A LIAR!
LIAR, LIAR, LIAR LIAR!

I don't know why I feel the need to lie
And cause you so much pain
Maybe it's something inside
Maybe it's something I can't explain
Cause all I do
Is mess you up and lie to you
I'm a liar...
Ohh, I am a liar...

But if you'll give just one more chance
I swear I'll never lie to you again
Cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,
They're stronger than truth
I can't believe I ever hurt you...
I swear I will never lie to you again
Please just give me more chance,
I'll never lie to you again, no,
I swear, I will never tell a lie,
I will never tell a lie
I will never tell a lie
No...
NO...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

SUCKER!
SUCKER!
SUCKER!

I AM A LIAR!
YEAH, I AM A LIAR!
YEAH!
I like it...
I feel good
Ohh, I am a liar
YEAH!
I LIE!
I LIE!
OHH, I LIE!
I'll lie again...
And again...
I'll lie again and again
and I'll keep lying...

I PROMISE.

2012年3月22日 When men talk online about women (or girls)

Men talking about women

Yes, men talk about women online, at least men who actually like talking from the get go. Some men need a few beers, maybe several. The bottom line is no matter how much we have on the inside, if nothing comes out it's like buying toys and not opening them (or even for saving them to sell later). 

Sometimes we have problems dealing with shit on our own, but when we talk it makes sense for the understanding process for everyone involved. When we do want to figure things out with other men, it can be very hard for us when we realize it's going to be a difficult process. No one said it would be easy.

The following is a conversation I had the other day online. 

Lightly edited - which is a nice way to say I changed names and omitted shit:

Grillman: What do you think about me making a move like that on her?
me: I think it's like peeing in the butt
Grillman: So is that a no?

me: No, it's an "Are you sure you have paid for this?"

Grillman: What do you mean?

me: Never forget you built your end of the relationship on feelings and her character, not just on fucking alone. That's why I said what I said[.] Remember I even wrote about it, about how you built your feelings on her because you wanted a real relationship[.] And you still do[.]

Grillman: And I agree[.] But[.] Well no[.]

me: […]because sex [isn’t] enough.

Grillman: Hm, kl;asd;kljadf;jkl\df[.] Dont know what to do....

me: You having sex with her won't be enough

Grillman: Agreed
me: Especially because you built what you built[.] If a person and I fucked without feelings, I would feel dirty like "Wow, do I even have feelings?" But because I have feelings [if] we had sex, and made love and shared it, I[‘d be] hurting much more.

Grillman: Okay but let me ask you this[.] How do you think it WOULD affect us?

me: I don't give a fuck about Constance, I only care about you right now. You are my friend, I wasn't her friend and your friend, i.e. the one to introduce you two.

Grillman: I know that[.] But HOW DO YOU THINK IT WOULD AFFECT HER AND I?

me: So how it affects you is my concern, because I want to know you'll make an opportunity to be healthy[, moreover an opportunity to] choose happiness. To answer that, I will defer to what my rabbi says, "I don't know."
Grillman: haha[.] Answer the damn question

me: But I do have opinions.

Grillman: What a cop out[.] haha

me: I think it could make your relationship closer[,] but I think it could rush things[.] Especially if she doesn't know what she wants.

Grillman: "I think it could make your relationship closer but I think it could rush things" That is the exact thing I am thinking[.] But I am just so fucking confused because there are times where she says shit...

me: Ask her, "You say shit that confuses me more than Kevin Costner's career."

Grillman: As an example[:] We'll come back to my place - like yesterday after swimming - and Ill take my shirt off and she'll make some joke about me taking my pants off too

me: Sit her down,

Tell her flat out

Or this

Tell her while you're going on a casual walk

"You know... when you say X.... I feel Y, and I'm confused as to what you're telling me..."

"Nigga please"

Grillman: haha[.] You know, thats great advice, but I think Ill just pick her up and pin her against the wall and have my way with her like I do now but then just take it a step farther... haha

me: Haha[.] Dude, can I quote you on this shit?

2012年3月21日 Get Grilled

The other day Grillman called me about some chick he's seeing. I've brought it up before. But before I get to that, I'm going to give a little bit of history, because when I think about my friendship with him I almost want to laugh at how great it has turned out.

I met Grillman while studying abroad in Japan, we had a lot of common politically and socially. He was also the kind of dude that could spend hours talking about whatever interested him and liked open discussion on those ideas, so of course we hit it off like crack-cocaine. - I'm still in rehab. - Things we specifically shared in common were guns, huge breasts, and blowing shit up; however, when those things weren't enough we would end up - more like a beginning to me - usually talking about the quality of life. But isn't that the point of any healthy long lasting relationship?

***

The phone call from him yesterday was around 9:30 or 10:30 am - I can't really remember, - "Dude if you were here we'd be going to bar right now." He said tersely. "Well, why not just drink with me on the phone?" I said, realizing breakfast downstairs was going to be Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager 211. -  I pronounce the "211" as "Two eleven" so does everyone else. - It says "EXCEPTIONALLY SMOOTH FLAVOR", but it's everything other than exceptional and smooth. At 8.1% ABV for a dollar a can - thank you Wally's World, - I don't think I should complain too much. It should be called "Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager 9.11: because it's that depressing to drink"

He continued, "Dude, she just left, but she's coming back. She said she wants to come over and make me breakfast." "So like dick in a box?" "No, I mean she's just coming over to hang out, she's pretty conservative about that kind of stuff." "What do you want? I mean, are you dating or anything?" I asked. "Actually I think she's having a hard time dealing with her recent break-up. And that's why she's is afraid to call me her boyfriend or give us a label, and also I think she's holding back from sex because if we don't work out and she goes back to her ex-boyfriend she can say 'I didn't have sex with him.' Fuck dude! I don't even know." "Why don't you ask her then?" "I will!"

I opened the can and took a sip. It tasted like full blown battery acid that had been blended with pig vomit and stale cat piss. "Have you confronted her about this?" "Yeah I have." He said without reservations. "I told her not to fuck with me, and I'm not going to play any games." "You know I've also had to say that before." "My situation isn't as fucked as yours." He quipped at me. "Fair enough, but if it's just fun and games WHY are you investing real feelings? Either it's all the way or fucking forget it." 

Not an accurate representation
of white people or Grillman

"Hold on." he said, as I heard his faint voice bullshit over buying something. "You still there? I got Miller High Life." "I'm sorry." "Dude no way, it's worth the extra price compared to your shit." "Mine's at 8.1 ABV dude, for a buck a piece, it's worth it." I lied to him. It's not worth it all the time, but for how I'm feeling now why not? Of course this also explains why it sat in the fridge for 2.5 weeks before I was able to drink it for the second time.

"Anyway, she's just taking things slowly and I'm not sure if she knows what she wants." "But you know what you want?" I asked. It was like I was talking with myself. "Uh, yeah." We surfed the conversation until the waves and sun died down, and then we went back on the beach. Giving each other the verbal version of a "Same-time next week?" face, we hung up only to talk again later in the evening.

This morning, I sent him a text, "How do you feel about your situation w Constance?" "She just left.. made me breakfast like she said...seriously I am about to move on her to see what she does..." Of course we both knew he's talking about making a sexual move to expand upon the relationship. No healthy relationship that is intimate exists without physical contact of some sort, even if it's just stroking someone's head or hand on a shoulder. Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships can and do exist with tremendous amounts of physical contact, just ask anyone who sleeps on the bottom bunk in a super-max prison.

2012年3月20日 T4T: Naughty Bingo!

Surprisingly Grandma
wasn't there

Two for Tuesday

Today I was invited to the Tanker bar here in Portland (URL), for naughty bingo.

It's the same as your grandma's bingo, except you can win adult toys and other adult related items, such as board games, cards, candy, etc. I personally didn't win anything, but it was interesting to see a bunch of hipsters whacked out of their PBR-mind getting excited about strobe-light butt-plugs. A bearded guy won that one. 

We left early because the bar ended up smelling like car exhaust and I have work tomorrow morning. Otherwise it was kind of neat. I was hoping for beads, a whip, or flail/flogger but they didn't have any.

2012年3月20日 Price Tags

"The bitch of it is that you probably did the right thing. But you did it in the wrong way. In the inconvenient way. Now you have to pay the penalty for that. I know it stinks, but that's the way it is."

Always a great source of
reflective wisdom

President Susanna Luchenko to Sheridan, Rising Star (Babylon 5)

It's dubious to think we can go through life without great pains. Sometimes we have neither good nor bad choices, or only bad and/or good choices, some without end, some with end, and some with beginnings. Either way when we are stuck between a rock and a hard place, we have to accept that pain will come for us or another. We don't always get to decide. The wonderful part is a quote that reminds me hope and the price tag on hope is always important,

"It is said that the future is always born in pain. The history of war is the history of pain. If we are wise, what is born of that pain matures into the promise of a better world, because we learn that we can no longer afford the mistakes of the past."

G'Kar, In the Beginning (B5)

What does that mean?
What does it mean to mature from pain?
What does it mean to mature pain into hope?
A hope for a better world?
Are any of us really ready for the price tag?
Are any of us really in a position to wait?

Thoughts?

2012年3月19日 A Smile

I tried to smile, but
it was painful.

In life I am usually pretty straight-forward, no bullshit whatever. Unless I'm just bullshiting passing the time, then I say whatever. Anyhow, today I sold my old Star Wars Toys to some lady who was buying them for her 5 year old son. I felt great that I was able to show her how to assemble and "blow up" the speeder bikes. I'm sure she really appreciated it. I was straight forward and made sure she participated in holding the product. Most people who are going to buy something usually know what they want before they walk into the store. For everyone else, there is significant doubt.

Showing the lady how to use and assemble the toys made me feel good, and she seemed eager to learn. I always love being able to hold something in my hands, knowing that the person receiving my instruction also holds the same model or close to it (with limited to no cosmetic or functional difference). It means I can give proper instruction this way, and there is limited to no fuck ups. They hold it, I hold it. I say something, they hear it. I show them, they see it. They participate in the learning process just as I participate in teaching. 

But as the hours passed, it bothered me that the same place I conducted business earlier, I once again ended up at as I informed another, but undecided, customer that I wasn't in business to play games.

I smiled at both women, but only one of them was really happy.

Only one knew what she wanted. One wanted to give, one wanted to give up.

I couldn't make a decision for either, but I reminded both that the choice was in their own hands respectively.

***

A person asked me once to decide for her something important. I tried to explain to her that I can't make a decision for her on something like that. When we make someone feel a certain way, because they give up choice, he or she never really owns their own feelings. I know this too well, and I know it comes with resentment and pain. I know. Sometimes all we have left is the Judgement of Solomon for now. 

For now.

2012年3月18日 Cheap Coffee and food

Coffee Sunday, with just enough room for sunshine.

My order got fucked up and the wrong food, but it wasn't noticeable until I realized there was ZERO spice and they added pineapple. Otherwise it was what I ordered more or less, but still WRONG and not enough. I ended up getting my food, but I was too hungry to wait, so I ate from both dishes. My stomach felt like it was going to burst. Maybe it was the house special?

2012年3月17日 Heroin again

I got an email from someone about a post I made about drugs (heroin, etc), and addiction.

From: Concerned Reader

Date: Thu, Mar 15, 2012 at 11:03 AM

Subject: using

To: Repugnant Thoughts Everyday

I am disturbed that you mentioned heroin the other day. My answer is,: I would be disappointed but it is your choice.

Who am i to judge you?

So to say, heroin would be a career ender, would be most accurate. Addiction

nearly killed me. [sic]

Yummy!!

I had to remind the reader that IIF stands for "Is-It-Fiction?" which means it is a combination of truth, fiction, or is a half-truth(s), the latter of which we all know "is the worst kind of a lie." Sometimes I use half-truths when writing fiction, and that's why it's called "fiction." 

I almost should call it Friction Fiction, because whatever I talk about in the fiction realm seems to get the most attention and "friction" with my audience. I could puke, but I'm having too much fun maintaining my smile, due to epic amounts of heroin and liquor.

Last night I watched an emo-kid get hit my Bob's car as Magic Moments by Perry Como blasted on the radio. It's a cliche to say the kid fly like a rag-doll, as it was more like hitting a small deer. I could have sworn part of the kid's knee cap, or caps-- are still in grill. Bob slowed down, mouth gaping open at what just had happened. He looked around, checking for anyone in his mirrors. Then he slowly kept driving forward as if nothing happened.

"That was a close one." 

"For who?!" 

"Holy shit! You're still here!?" 

Said Bob looking over at me.

Magiiiiicc Mooooments over the radio continued to play.

2012年3月16日 I spend my days spent, PVNS

I got home around 1:30 pm. It was a shorter day than normal.

First things first, I dicked around on the computer for a bit, and then put some laundry in the washing machine. On the massage chair I spent 20 minutes getting my lower back massaged aggressively by an automated system, which is probably modeled from large black men still in prison. I'm sure whoever invented the massage chair got his idea from descriptions of prison rape. Around 4 pm I went to lie down since my knee was bothering me among other things.



LET ME SLEEP

3:53 AM the next day, I woke up still in pain from my knee. Of course throughout the night I couldn't sleep because of dreams and hearing strange noises in my dreams. - Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

It's frustrating that I spent the whole day trying to recover from frustration regarding my knee only to realize that frustration with it never going to go away, as I'm not a doctor and I can't fix it*. Moreover I have other things I need and want to do which I can fix and can maintain. But as they say, can and want are two different things, if they aren't close cousins.

* I can mitigate the pain, but frankly speaking it will be there regardless of what I do physically, emotionally or intellectually. However, when all those things work at the same time most of the pain and frustration is nonexistent, except when the knee does what it wants anyhow. It's a constant battle of learning to work with a part of me that dominates life.

I can't just give up and ignore it.

I have to work with it because it's part of me and affects how I feel, and negates how I think if I don't.

2012年3月14日 Clocks' Conspiracy

This morning I woke up late again.Roughly around 5:30 am. I ended up having to drive to work again, and wasting money on parking. 

But hey, at least I got to work on time.

What bothered me the most was that my alarm clock was turned off, my cellphone didn't ring or vibrate, and my computer had restarted itself. What's interesting is that I can explain the computer was due to auto-updates. The alarm clock switch and why my phone's alarms weren't working, I can't explain. Everything was on the correct setting, except when I woke up, the clocks were switched off.

Questions!!!

Now mind you, I sleep with the door closed and locked. How my phone and clock failed I have no idea, unless somehow in my few hours of sleep I was able to turn off everything.

First things I realized within 2 minutes of my morning?
1. There are no answers
2. There are always questions

2012年3月13日 The sound cold makes

Over the past few days, along with celebrations over the holiday and spending time with alcohol, - in my system until I passed out in the shower, found later by the Fozzj - I came to the conclusion that cold makes a sound.

Cold makes a sound that cancels out all other sounds. Cold is a form of pain, but not exclusive to it. Its sound fluctuates, but again still neutralizes all other sounds, including the sounds of our emotions. Cold pain is the best example of such.

What does it mean to neutralize the sound of an emotion? To neutralize hate? Neutral hate? What about neutral love? I can only imagine that neutralizing any emotion is basically the total absence of the emotion, from having either opportunity to affirm itself or negate itself.

***

When I woke up it was my stop. Both of my legs had fallen asleep and were painfully numb. I felt an extreme amount discomfort, pain, and warmth from only the swollen areas of my arthritic laden knee. I hobbled for the doors mimicking a drunk crab. "Hold the door.." I mustered, grabbing onto every railing, as my legs shimmied outside.

The air was wet and miserable. Noise everywhere, but my numbness, pain, and cold took all of it away. I didn't even realize I was cold until I tried to think of something. "[S]omething" never happened.

Bring out your dead!

I took off my cap letting my head get wet. 

Then I reached into my front pocket 

for a coffin nailed and hammered away.

I hammered until the cold was smoked out.
For a moment, I felt sick. Shoddy hammering maybe? 

Or was it something else?

I stopped hearing anything, feeling anything, it got cold.
It was the sound of nothing again.

When I got home went to bed immediately. Staring at the ceiling I felt, for a brief moment, jubilation.

Shedding a tear I slept for 12 hours.

2012年3月10日 IIF: Drugs again

I had breakfast today, you'd be surprised what heroin does to a person.

In fact, just saying "heroin" plus any personal pronoun, gives just about anyone the creeps, outside of those on it. My twelve step program was to take less than 12 steps to acquire more. I reached over for the phone.

The best part of waking up

An hour later I was downtown on 53rd and 3rd just standing on the street, trying to turn a trick. You wouldn't believe what people out here do for just a hit. Just a hit, we only live for this stuff. We only die for it. I don't live for anything else. I just want it in my veins, what can you do? Nothing. Can't do anything else. I'm just under this tree wondering what I can lose. Nothing hits harder and better than this. Oh yeah... What can you do? Take it away, it's all your fault. I'm just sitting here with nothing to lose.  

Gimme Shelter came on the radio. The guy on the edge of the bed had just injected the fucking outer-limits into his arm and I could tell he was already in outer-fucking-space. He fell off the bed. Full face-plant onto the floor. I was already on my way there too when someone put a cigarette in my mouth.

My suit must have run out of oxygen or something, because I was having a hard time breathing. I think it was the smoke. It rose up from the floor. A zombie holding a wine glass smiled at me. It drank in front of me, but the wine just fell through its mandible. I watched through the smoke as large ants the size of large scorpions with the heads of dogs run forward to lick the wine off the vomit stained floor.

I got up and swam to the kitchen, climbing into the fridge. I shut the door just enough to turn off the light. I grabbed a bottle of whipped cream-- did a whip-it until I passed ou---

2012年3月8日 It counts

Shul attire

Today I was participating in something where I was counted, not only as a member of the group but as a necessary component. It was a good feeling, except there wasn't a keg or naked women running around. I won't deny the great experience and feeling it gave me, but in a sense I felt like a shitty super-hero character whose only job is stand around waiting for a voice yelling,

"FLIP THE SWITCCCH!!!"

It could be worse, I could have an actual costume. I was happy I helped by being there when no one else could have there.

2012年3月7日 Hammer in my sand

I was walking around in my mind, listening to Hammer in the Sand*. 

Standing in the sun I thought about the path I was taking emotionally and spiritually now that I'm a Jew. I walked a little bit further in my mind, although physically I was motioning to sit on a bench away from the buildings and people.

A sweet taste of tobacco hit my lips, and breathed the smoke into my mouth. Holding it, then releasing it slowly. The smoke was as listless as landscape. Blue silhouettes of mountains in front of the sun could be seen, like I saw with Hood this morning. Only by the peak could I tell it was a mountain, and not the rolling hills. 

I could hear my frustration and then I heard nothing. I watched the sand shift around slowly like the smoke. The sand disappeared and so did the music I heard in my mind.

More music came into view and I wanted to lay down on the bench and take the sun as Spectral Mornings* came into view. I pulled my MP3 player out and played it. I loved the sunlight but missed the clouds, and although I tried substituting the absence of clouds with a chain of smoke, nothing changed. Nor did I expect it to all at once.

I prayed for the rain to come and hoped that I could drink from it. It fascinates me that that the terrible weather helps with growth. All sunshine and no rain... Leads to a desert. I left my hammer in the sand before going back into the building. When I reflected on my soul I realized I had to make my own hammers, I couldn't borrow anymore. 

Before opening the door to the building I breathed out, and the smoke was gone. My head just slightly clearer than before, and so were the questions.


*By Steve Hackett

2012年3月6日 Why I love jokes

Jokes are probably the reason I think life is important. One time I was yelling at my mom, and somehow God or Chuck Norris activated something in her brain that allowed her to say something intelligent. She quipped back at me quickly while sneering and said, "What's the matta'? The CIA got ya pushing too many pencils?" Taken straight from Predator. I was stunned and just laughed. I forgot what I was even angry about, or rather, it was not worth staying angry. I was taken aback so suddenly when I heard that joke. Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that sneak in like a ninja, and ruin the seriousness of whatever is being said, just to remind us to try to be happy.

With that said, a wonderful classic came into my lap. I usually charge extra for classics due to the age.

Groucho Marx and several other people are trying to figure out a woman's profession. She has some sort of support that assists her when she is unable to assess questions that are not answerable in a yes or no fashion.

2012年3月5日 Creepy noises

Example of my face
during fear

About 20 minutes ago I heard a frightening sound from downstairs. No one responded when I called out. Of course only one other person should be home, and they know to response. I took a step back into my room and locked the door. I got my gun and knife and slowly cleared the house. I'm sure if someone had a gun I might have been fucked, or if a bad guy had the drop on me with a knife I also and again would have been fucked. But they'd be in a world of hurt if they didn't have a complete drop on me.

Before going downstairs I messaged someone and said that I heard something or someone downstairs and to no text me back, but call in 10 minutes. Obviously if I don't respond, expect the worst.

It was frightening ordeal, and at some point I had to give up focusing on the fear which literally made everything in my hands (knife and gun) extremely light. I moved extremely slow and tried to make sure I wasn't exposed in a way that didn't allow a reasonable response time. When I figured it was the dryer just making a weirdo noise or washing machine, I gave up, but not without back tracking my steps and re-clearing the area. It was truly frightening. I felt like this little kid.

Any fear is scary no matter what
Just ask this kid on the slide

2012年3月4日 It's okay: l'chaim

B''H
The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb the steps everyday.

It's okay to have a family.
It's okay to be together.

It's okay to be happy.

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay to be alive.

It's okay to be here.

It's okay to be there.

It's okay.

It's "To life," even though we can mean "for life." if we wanted to see it that way.

Yee-haw! 

It was a very emotional experience.

2012年3月3日 "That you know you are free"

Beit Din

I heard those words over the radio after doing a "wilderness lap" in the car. Tomorrow I will face one of the single most important events in my life, outside of birth, friendships, and what not. I will be in front of my rabbi and two others who are going to pick my brain, my heart, and whatever they find in terms of a soul.

I am ready for this, not because I think I can do it, but because I can't imagine doing anything else. I think a scene in the movie Heat best describes my feeling since I can't put it into better words. URL here, it should auto start at 2 minutes 35 seconds, ending at the 3 minute mark.

Hammer in the Sand, by Steve Hackett plays in the background as I recall the previous hours. I had no terror on that dark road, with its semi-vacant sky and the emaciated clouds.

Where am I going?

Who am I?

Have I found myself? I think so, and for once we get along.

We understand a little bit better about each other.

Not sure if I can do it or not, 

I'm going to do my best, and there is no way to turn back. And God said "לֶךְ-לְךָ" (Lech Lecha).

2012年3月2日 What if the clocks would hesitate?

(I hade to do a quick edit because I realized I actually used the wrong words in the wrong context. Of course as I'm writing it my mind was like, "Well at least you know what you mean..." What's the point in knowing what I mean if I want to have other's understand!?)

I haven't woken up in a full blown sweat in such a long time. I didn't have any dreams or whatever I had I forgot. It was such a short, yet refreshing rest. I think I got 5 hours.

All-nighters have always been something I've enjoyed, but as time progresses and I reflect and extract certain reflections integrating them into my life, made me realize that all-nighters alone are just that: All night alone. Being up at home in the darkness, except for the green lava lamp, wouldn't have made things better or worse outside of increasing knee pain. I had initially thought about staying up all night drinking beer and energy drinks. I didn't do either of those.

2012年3月1日 "Good morning son"

When I woke up I wanted to vomit. Not because a large bearded fat man was going to penetrate me, but because I got another message at 4:35 AM from Grillman about him seeing the girl I've brought up over the week or so. Although not officially dating,  he said it was weird for him to hang out at her place, especially when her ex-boyfriend shows up. 

There is a saying I might have mentioned here before, "If you want to ride two horses at the same time DON'T LEAVE THE CIRCUS." I think that's why I felt sick. I felt sick because I don't even think the chick he's interested in even knows how to make a decision for herself. Some people don't seem to understand that deferring judgement also defers choice and a voice in terms of happiness or unhappiness.