2011年9月18日 Being wrong

I realized I was wrong about something after the other day's post about music. And no, the music didn't help, it just made things much worse, even though I like the music I posted.

No, it's not about the puzzle. But I was wrong about something.

2011年9月12日 Puzzling

I had a picture in my posession, more like a puzzle.

2011年8月4日 Physical Therapy

Things are dark sometimes,
but at least I have a light
to find my way around.

After PT I couldn't help but cringe throughout the rest of the evening. My knee started flaring up, like massive and deadly erection. Where in lieu of sperm, massive solar flares penetrate space covering ball shaped planets, choking them of breath.

I thought about you while in pain, as I drove back home. I wondered if your hair was still red, I doubt it. I wondered if you enjoyed looking at children, and if they enjoy looking at you. I frowned at myself and turned up the radio. No, I wasn't Tangled Up in Blue, but I did think about you. And no, I didn't need to make it a beer night.  

The pain and passing of strip clubs briefly took you off my mind. The burning sensation in my knee was making it difficult to drive as always, yet the strip clubs' signs reminded me of massive breasts. And medium breasts and ones I can hold in a single hand. And those are nice things. I rotated a dial letting my mind trail off to some music, then I signaled right and continued on with my business.

2011年6月13日 But I went back

At some point in my life, I was unable to continue the monotonous routine of simulated killing. I could not do it for more than 20 minutes at a time, and in "simulated combat time" it more or less represents 5 minutes.

Assisted "turn off brain"
surgery

I know why I went back. I do. I went back because I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to turn off my brain, as I knew at some point there might be something good enough to distract me from the nights. The nights ended up bleeding into my daily-life to the point where living during the day felt alien to me. The office, the lab, the work. Everything in closed rooms, closed doors, closed hearts and minds. Even my own. I closed those doors, but when the day begins I realize I neglected to lock those same doors I tried to close in vain.

Everything else was secure, everything else was supposed to be. Then I went back further. I had to go back to the time before anything was with us. The further I went back, the further I isolated the mind, the old stress, which seemed more pointless than the trek going back, also returned.

So, with the new I applied it on the old. I went back in, and instead of escaping from myself, I escaped from you, and everything associated with it. I turned on the music. While I waited in this place I listened to the quite rhythm and melodies, some were faster than others.

2011年6月12日 Driving at night

After I dropped "K" off I took a drive. Of course K asked about you, actually it was more of me explaining about you to him, since I had not seen him in such a long time. For K it was probably difficult at times for him to hear about you. Compounded by his long flight up and down to reach my location. We sat and caught up as much as we could for 2 hours, which isn't enough by any means since you were brought up.

When K stepped out of the car, I couldn't stop but reminisce about you further, and although some of those feelings were painful in terms of looking back, I kept driving. It almost seemed appropriate for me to drive at night, if I were to be driving at all. Since I doubt children are wandering around industrial areas at 3:30am in the morning, it makes sense to drive at odd hours. The radio, or CD player rather, played a song that made things not only worse, but almost took my mind and spirit out of the car. If I didn't have shoulders to weigh them down, maybe they would have left my body and I would have crashed. Then would I have woken up?

From an Ebony magazine
 I had, 1960s if I recall correctly.

Driving my regular night-therapy route, I could not help but continue thinking about you regardless of what I did. Nothing whatsoever helped, outside of blowing my brains out at the few intersections I had to stop at, although I usually get green lights almost immediately.

I pulled in around 4am, or so to get away from the day-dreams. In the hills I could see the glowing red pillars. If anything it just reminded me of the ethereal nature of your behaviorisms, which only confused me further. I sat back in the seat and took in the music as I drove me, spacing out most of the way as the music blanketed my mind.

Parking I couldn't help but wonder if coffee was a good idea this late at night or if I deserved the pig-vomit'ish taste it created in my mouth. Remaining well after I finished more than half. Maybe when I think of you, it's as if I'm "reaching for a taste that's not really there." 

Even if I walked a mile - not for a camel - I'd find something, but it probably wouldn't be you.