2011年6月13日 But I went back

At some point in my life, I was unable to continue the monotonous routine of simulated killing. I could not do it for more than 20 minutes at a time, and in "simulated combat time" it more or less represents 5 minutes.

Assisted "turn off brain"
surgery

I know why I went back. I do. I went back because I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to turn off my brain, as I knew at some point there might be something good enough to distract me from the nights. The nights ended up bleeding into my daily-life to the point where living during the day felt alien to me. The office, the lab, the work. Everything in closed rooms, closed doors, closed hearts and minds. Even my own. I closed those doors, but when the day begins I realize I neglected to lock those same doors I tried to close in vain.

Everything else was secure, everything else was supposed to be. Then I went back further. I had to go back to the time before anything was with us. The further I went back, the further I isolated the mind, the old stress, which seemed more pointless than the trek going back, also returned.

So, with the new I applied it on the old. I went back in, and instead of escaping from myself, I escaped from you, and everything associated with it. I turned on the music. While I waited in this place I listened to the quite rhythm and melodies, some were faster than others.

There was probably a little less than a foot of space that I could see from. Only 30 cm, and at the distance I was at, he couldn't see me. I didn't even want to see myself, tracking him from the back of the room. No one else knew I was there, waiting and watching. I didn't need to play like the others. I didn't want him to see me, and I didn't want to be the one to be seen. Points didn't matter, being the greatest didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was preventing him from coming closer. Closer where they could hurt us.

Some are just lucky enough
to know that the end is coming.

I sent it to him as he zipped around the corner. He didn't have a chance even if I missed, as fire was already consolidated in that area. I don't think he cared. I don't believe it mattered to him, choosing to die so he could live again. 

In my daily-life outside of this unreal-world I still maintain the structure of that die to live mentality, and occasionally I file paperwork in my head with said facility as well, yet I no longer associate myself with its function. Its meaning has already changed too much for me.

Reloading and lyrics give me a moment to briefly check the security of my location.

Another man came out from the same position. Another enemy, stepping mindless on the body of the fallen. The carnival of sound on top of the music, took me back to this place I spent time with almost 10 years ago. I went back to the game, and I went back to the ghosts, both those in the game and the ones that stayed after. I could taste the numbness that this place gave me and its familiarity, and yet I could not feel anything beyond that.

So, I walked away from that room with its 30 cm window, and moved forward.