2011年6月9日 Time management

It is better for me to totally ignore something and start from the beginning again when distracted, rather than push through with something that is a shitty product.

This is my rebuttal against the quality of life.

As some of you readers are already aware of, I have a hard time focusing when distracted by things that interfere with education. Unlike most people who only have to worry about studying, I have to live with the constant threat of having no money, no shelter, no food, and worrying about my knee which could end up causing me to miss out on school and everything else, and therefore compromising shelter and the like. Those things pissed me off, and they take away from my studying. In the end while I pass some of my classes, I find that some of those classes that I did not do well in, end up doing nothing for me intellectually, since the way in which they challenge me or rather, having to challenge myself, only limits my productivity.

Example of me doing well in class,
especially after my knee bothers me.

However, I do exceptionally well in classes or work where I feel like I am an essential part of the function as a whole, and I find that the absence of necessity for my existence in certain classes or functions to be totally repugnant; therefore, I do poorly when I feel like I am not necessary, and in most cases I am not.

I have the damnedest time focusing on complicated issues when I'm in pain because of my arthritis or due to the depression caused by it, unless the knowledge base is already there and completely cock-solid at all times. The thing that sucks about knowledge is at some point some part of that knowledge cannot be retained. Nobody's brain can contain all human knowledge. and then some, without serious problems. There has to be a limit to our own form, just like there are limitations with our own bodies, as I don't know anyone who can survive 90 minutes without oxygen.

In the past two weeks, I have had to seriously worry about money, time, my roommate moving out, pre-surgery, along with the responsibilities of being the head of my family. I am the soul executor of certain things pertaining to not only my mom's side of the family - although her sisters may disagree, and therefore are welcomed to cordially eat my shit - I am also the primary representative for my dad's side of the family as an independent agent (i.e. receiving no significant support other than moral). To complicate matters further, my family is divorced and broken. Out of all this I have neglected to get significant amounts of work done, mainly because I am unable to focus during great bouts with pain emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and no surprise here, physically as well. If you disagree with me and think you can do better: shoot yourself in the knee-cap with a .22 short and then try to study for your finals.

Pretty much all I'm good at this week.
Don't tell my mom, lol.

Outside of all this whining there genuinely is a concern of mine: my concern is that my own skills will exceed and transcend mediocrity, but at a price that will be shunned privately and openly by contemporaries, colleagues, and friends. I will academically look weaker compared to other students who are not bound by my own limitations, and in a society where perfection apparently supersedes Jesus, I have no idea what my options are, outside of persistence. The irony out of all of this is that I find my ability to loathe others out of envy to be another limiting factor, and yet it is totally tolerable in society.

My only solution, is to take more time than others sharpening my skills, even redoing things, over and over again until I have achieve what society merits as quality, be that an "A" or "B" grade. All of this only reminds me that society, just like other man-made structures, serve a specific audience, and in the end some people get left behind. All it does is make me wonder if that's why every society before us, to some extent or another, has ended up failing itself.

I remember telling a friend once that when we lose the ability to find truth in life, it is best never to create truth due to the absence or inability to access such.

To conclude, I will quote a woman whose feelings on happiness and self worth are quite relevant to my own being:

"The essence of my happiness is fighting for the happiness of others. It's strange, why is it that in grammar, the word "happiness" can only be singular? That is counter to its meaning, after all. [...] If it turns necessary to die for the common happiness, then I'm ready to.

[ORIGINAL RUSSIAN SCRIPT] Содержание моего счастья – борьба за счастье других. Странно, почему в грамматике слово "счастье" имеет единственное число? Ведь это противопоказано его смыслу. [...] Если нужно для общего счастья погибнуть, то я готова к этому."

Spoken like a true Russian.

Here's one solution!

If all I am doing is failing myself in the long run: why does it matter anyhow? 


If I already measure my happiness through the accommodation of the happiness of others, what is one supposed to do? If my own success makes them happy, wouldn't their pride be suspect to negligence?

The solution never comes quickly, and if it did, I wouldn't know how to appreciate it anyway. 

Unless I was cock-solid.