2011年6月28日 Mornings

I woke up before the alarm went off, which is set to go off at 5:35am. I usually keep the alarm just out of arms length away, otherwise I will end up disabling the alarm and going back to sleep without major problems (outside of missing work). I know I wasn't chewing on sand prior to bed, and yet the sensation of cotton mouth dominated me. Maybe it's my sinuses acting up? This is my first conscious thought of the day. Moreover I am confused as to why my mind also suffers from such.

Taking a shower I thought about the day ahead and things I needed to look over. It took only 10 seconds before I couldn't be bothered with any of it anymore. Priorities shifted and I kept thinking about what I was told the other day.

"I'm trying to debate whether or not you're evil. You have a tendency to find people's buttons, and not only push them, but push them in the correct sequence."
"I don't do it on purpose. And if I am doing it, it's probably an unconscious thing."
"If you're unconsciously doing it, then it wouldn't really make you evil."
"I don't think so. I think it would make me naturally evil, because I have yet to master it."

The conversation did not last much longer, but it did follow me to work.

If I am evil how am I supposed to know if I am or not? How can one truly know?

If I am evil it is a product of intellectual boredom.

I cannot wonder how questions or a series of questions can rattle someone's emotional or intellectual foundation. I do not believe my imagination or its creativity is lacking, but rather, the absence of imagination is something I cannot understand. Then maybe it is true, that when I sense, hear or see a disturbance, I go looking for the perpetrator. A perpetrator that is almost immediately subject my my discriminating eye and inquiry, which is probably worse than whatever problem or challenge that person is facing.

In many cases, I have found most people to be more irritated with having their buttons pushed than having buttons available for pushing. And I have no idea why this is the case.