2011年9月30日 Done deals

Somehow I was able to help Dapl, but the stress of the situation prevents me from sleeping and also pains my knee.

I'm looking forward to actually having an opportunity to use a computer for more than a half and hour, and at least an opportunity to study at some point, since I've pretty much fucked off all my classes due to the Jew New Year. I need to tidy up my room, and do several other things. I just want to cancel life for this weekend. I want to cancel life, until I can consult myself in my dreams to see how to organize things outside of the dream world(s).

I don't really feel anything else beyond the stress I mentioned and some odd and alien degree of numbness. The numbness has to be a product of my reaction and action, maybe even lack thereof, to how I reflect on society and my place in such.

I will try to get sleep, as soon as my brain is willing to give me the go-ahead.

Somehow I know this is not really the love we dream of, but that's fine, it keeps me from the nightmares.
Maybe this is the problem? Maybe?

Sometimes my dreams are better than my daily life when I'm alone.

2011年9月29日 It's harder + The Dapl

I woke up around 7am thinking I had plenty of time to eat breakfast and make morning services at shul. And yet I ended up being slightly on time, which to others doesn't mean jack, since people came and went at will. Even in the middle of the service! Anyhow, I had NO IDEA the service was going to be 5 hours long, without a break. Damn.

One of the points that was addressed was the following:

Given a choice, it is better to die than:

• Rape someone or commit incest.
• Kill someone.
• Worship other gods or idolatry.

Surprisingly these things make sense to me. The rabbi went on about how technology and being connected sometimes negates our connection with ours or ourselves. Yes we can text at the dinner table when it's with our family, or updating one's status in the middle of the marriage ceremony [link].

What is idolatry? I worship a pillar or golden statue? To westerners this seems like a joke, yet people in the world STILL do this! Just look at Kamakura as an example. Worse, maybe it's not so clear now that things have changed for us, maybe it's not clear now that technology and society around us has changed. We're worshiping money, careers, and becoming a slave to those things all the while. Whether or not we're successful matters more to us than God.

Last night someone brought up, and said something about being a Jew and not being religious or believe in "God." I was wondering, but didn't say, 

"How the fuck are you a Jew then?   

Why did you even bother to cover your head as you lit those candles? 

Why should I wear a yarmulke?

How is it any different to worship your stuff or success as if it's a golden calf?

Why should ANYONE who wants to convert to be a Jew have to do it religiously then? Especially when you're not."

I wondered how some of them could say "Jews for Jesus" are not Jews, and yet the atheists among them, and agnostics could say even if G-d exists they wouldn't believe Him anyhow. I couldn't understand how it made sense for them to differentiate themselves from others. I'm not a Jew, and yet comparatively I could feel a certain degree of tension from them as I said I try my best to keep kosher and do my best to keep shabbos as holy as possible, except for driving. If I can light candles on shabbat, I can light gasoline on fire with the turn of a key. That's not work to me when I really enjoy it or am I using money, etc. I keep my phone off, I don't use email, I don't turn on a T.V., I don't do intense cooking. Blah blah blah. I felt bad for them. I felt bad for myself. Am I just wasting time? What's the point? Again, I felt like the question, "Who is a Jew?" Needed to be answered. Some of them did not keep kosher, nor did that really matter to me (whether or not they did), yet worst of all some did not believe "God" existed, yet they celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, and Passover, and even more.

On a side note, I have made it a point that I could eat at Subway if I told them NOT to use the same knife to cut my food as others, i.e. "Could you use a clean knife?" No diary with meat, which is easy since I don't like cheese. And Jew stuff can be really cheesy. Anyhow, I learned all this from Fig when he brought up his friend eating at Subway. At first I was thinking, "Nah I won't do that." But now I'm wondering how far I can bend the rules, just like a real Jew. Refer to Jacob, the Jew who basically told G-d "Help me and I'll believe in you! If not, I won't!" 

Okay back on the topic. "Culturally Jewish." Is a term that I want to banish to the back of my mind. Unlike Christmas which has been bastardized, violated, and commercialized I almost see no difference with those Jews. They're just like people who celebrate Christmas, yet claim "The Bible" and "Jesus" are all bullshit anyhow. And sure, why not, it's just a commercial holiday now, but those who celebrate it aren't just Christians. Yet with Rosh Hashanah it's Jews, even if they don't believe in G-d. Which to me makes absolutely no sense. 

I have wondered at times if Fig could be considered a Jew since he's celebrated Christmas and what not. In fact I have told Fig that he's not a Jew, even if the State of Israel would allow him citizenship (regardless of whether or not he has it or not). As far as I'm concerned with Christmas and Christianity, I won't even go into a church. Even if a family member was getting married there or actually more depressing a close friend wants me to attend a wedding and it's not Jewish.

What would I do? 

I wouldn't go. 

I have to give these things up. Not because I am obligated to, but because the desire to be a Jew requires such. But with someone who claims to be "born a Jew" they could basically do whatever they want (at least here in America), and still fall back on blood, which something some of them don't even recognize to begin with, as some basically say they don't believe in G-d. Who the fuck made the Jews? They wouldn't even exist without that foundation, not as Jews and not as a society with its present and past values.

Humility

I was told today, by an older Jewish man, who was my host for a Rosh Hashanah luncheon (the second of three - one on Wednesday night with the Silverdrivers, one today with the Tailors, and one tomorrow with Cabletons*- hosted meals), well anyway he says something like, "It's always interesting to me that converted Jews are more observant, if not more than those who are born into it."

*Ladies and gentlemen: the story you just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Before the end of service today, I bowed symbolically to acknowledge to G-d I am totally responsible for my own sins and goodness. Some people got on the ground to prostrate themselves to a higher degree. I'm not a Jew, but I did get my neck low enough so it could have been severed with ease.

Is it really harder knowing people feel that way? No, it's not. What's harder is the other stuff.

I wonder everyday as I go to services (although not everyday), when I read the Torah, pray, and when reflect on my life, how much I have to give up. I'm wondering if I'm giving up too much, or not at all. Maybe I'm losing so much more than just Christmas and my, most of the time, loathsome extended family on my mother's side. I do wonder. There must be no sense of entitlement.

Not a good idea.

Dapl called me the other night and he expressed how depressed he was about life. This time it did not seem like a cry for help, but rather just acknowledgement that life genuinely does suck and that he can't deal with it anymore. I thought of Budd Dwyer immediately. It didn't turn out well for Dwyer. I thought about Dapl moving to Montana, if he even gets there, since he's having trouble getting himself there with his stuff. I have a feeling he's either going to get through this, although it's going to grey his hair a little bit more, or he's going to kill himself over the stress. I'm serious. 

I wonder what Fig's take would be, as I know what Fozzjnen's take would be, "Wakka-wakka."

Do you wonder how we came to be here? 

Do you wonder if we could find us from here? 

Look inside. Do you feel anything but bitter? 

Anything but sad and lost? -GN

Sometimes I do. 

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I do feel like making the decision to be with G-d,
makes me lose things that I will never have ever again.

2011年5月29日 It's hard

There is too much to explain from last night, when I have much going on today as well!

"And she said, 'I'm a Jew, but...' Like, 'I'm a Jew, but I don't believe in God.' So please take the time to think about that with yourself, even if you're not a Jew." My host said to everyone at the table.

Huh, well now I don't have an appetite for apples and honey now. No matter how sweet this new year could be. I'd much rather think about your question.


Will continue later...

2011年9月28日 You make me sick

I was going to talk about my recent discovery of the new Gary Numan album which came out on the 15th, who knew? 

Yet, here I am talking about something that irritates me to the point where I cannot legitimately trust a person. Please, G-d even(!), forgive how I'm about to write this, but this is a fictional (yeah, right) account of something that happened yesterday.

I'm going to write it as if it is directed at said person.

Click read more if you want to actually get into the gritty details. 

2011年9月27日 Goblin Sauce and Trials by Fire

The following post contains language that is not appropriate for anything.

2011年9月26日 Sick of sick

I may have mentioned it earlier but I've been sick since Friday. I feel so miserable. I haven't done anything except go to work, buy some books, and go home. I feel worse because I'm so sick that I can't even concentrate on my feelings. I'm frustrated I don't feel sad that Dapl and Fig had popped out of my life quite quickly, both within a month and a half, and somewhat unexpectedly.

I wish I wasn't sick, so I could think of more than just a name or face.

As for both of them, I have no idea if or when I'll ever see them again.

Some how I wish that my feelings regarding this were mention-able and manageable.
So far, I can only find tolerable.

Some people have told me that deep inside there is something that could help us become what we can. What if that goes away? Sometimes I feel like things just chip away, and with chipping comes wax. Is it possible to live a life without such wax replacing the chipping? How does one live sincerely? How does one leave, come, die, and live in such a way?

Is this really the only example in life?

It sucks to lose people who can make us laugh, cry, and think about ourselves.
We're not suppose to enjoy it.

2011年9月25日 Cabs

Is it fiction?

2011 年9月23日 No sleep (part 2 continued)

I was reading information about statistics for suicide by gun versus homicide, since most people accuse guns of doing both. I suppose having over 10 spoons in your house and being underweight because of starvation is the equivalent to saying the spoons are fascists in league with Nazis or Pol Pot.

So I'm reading along and I find a checklist for people who are thinking about suicide. I was surprised I scored pretty high on the list. Here's the list:

Suicide Warning Signs:

"MTFU" the only true
way to avoid suicide.

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
  (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.) Check. My big ears are not wind resistant when I drive fast with windows down, making things difficult.
• Talking or writing about death or suicide. Check 2. See title of blog and title of post.
• Withdrawing from family and friends [or loss of friends.] Check 3. I have had two friends withdraw from my life within a month and a half.
• Feeling hopeless. Semi-check 3.5.
• Feeling helpless. Semi-check again 4. I'm stuck with Session lager in my fridge until I fix that.
• Feeling strong anger or rage. Nope.
  
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.Check 5. I feel that way every day as soon as I wake up and realize I will have to pay taxes at some point in my life.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes. Semi-check 5.5. I've had experiences that change dramatically, and they affect my mood.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol. Semi-check 6. I talk about booze all the time, and I love drinking more than I do breathing.
  
• Exhibiting a change in personality. Check 7. Giving things up for Jew-stuff.
• Acting impulsively. Nope. At least not without reason, and that's not impulsive.
• Losing interest in most activities. Check 8. Jew-stuff has the powah!
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits. Check 9. No shit.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits. Check 10. No sleep = no time to prepare breakfast. It should be call makefast, since I did not break from fasting.
• Losing interest in most activities. Check 11. Jew-stuff tells me no goyim stuff. Why is this posted twice?! Fuck! I'm losing interest in answering.
• Performing poorly at work or in school. Check 12. I'm not sure how this may apply outside of lacking in sleep.
• Giving away prized possessions. Semi-check 12.5. Does destroying them count? Refer to puzzling.
• Writing a will. Not yet.
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame. Check 13.5. I don't like embarrassing people about Jew-stuff.
• Acting recklessly. Check 14.5. Listening to Cop Killer driving 9mph above the posted speed limit qualifies.

So I scored 14.5 points out of 20, with some of my checks as semi-checks of .5 points each. I guess I really need some sleep. Or drugs. Or something. Or drug-somethings.

2011年9月23日 No sleep (part 1)

Can't sleep clowns will eat me.

This morning I showed up late to work by about 10 minutes or so. It was mainly because I'm getting home waaaay late some nights. I blame this on metal and my commuting distance. I'm so far away that after metal, I can't just get "dropped" off. As a result my sleep suffers, I suffer, and my knee treats me like shit, which is another topic. Honestly I can't blame metal, because I like metal. Yet I'm extremely depressed that I might have to say "No." to metal because I live far away and it would affect school and work. This bothers me.

I normally get up around 5am, if things are normal. Lately things have not been normal. I haven't been sleeping well do to my knee and some other factors, like metal.  I have a tendency to forget I just said something a few minutes ago and I repeat it. Did I mention earlier that sometimes sleep allows me to forget things and then I repeat it again?

I would feel the same this if
I were this chick, err, or is it a dude?

Okay, a few emotional-intellectual issues also, but I'm not going to talk about them here. I would have written about them in my journal, but I lost that somewhere at or around work. That sucks since I'm not sure where it is, or rather where it went or if it's genuinely in good hands or bad hands. I'd like to believe it is in good hands. And I suppose if I were able to sleep, feeling and believing it's in good hands would help. Although the loss of my journal has not taken sleep away from me so far. If I continue with whining and bitching about my journal, there would be an expectation to do such with Ray Ban Wayfarers and women's pants. What I don't get is why people spend 150 dollars on sunglasses (Wayfarers) only to look like a smug piece of shit? You don't need to spend 150 dollars on sunglasses to look like you don't give a shit about life.

In other news, Dapl (Drunk-And-Potato-Loving) mentioned he is being forced out of his place and is moving to Montana. This is depressing all together and I also lose sleep when I think about that along with the other intellectual-emotional issues I said I would not mention, or rather not mention.

Maybe I'll mention them, but first I need to buy a new journal! Or bourbon. Or something. Or bourbon-something. I have some ideas, but I think they involve drinking instead of buying a new journal.

I'm just hoping my sleep schedule kicks back into higher gear soon and I am less mentally fucked throughout my day. More information on whiny little bitches here.

2011年9月22日 Gary Numan

If I could pick only five things for you to read what is currently on this blog at present, this post would be one of them. Even if my train of thought often has no train at all in some instances. Music heavy, you don't need to watch any of the video though, just listen to the songs. Most videos have the lyrics posted with them.

It should be zero surprise I am mentioning him, as I often hid his lyrics here or there throughout my posts. I suppose I'll explain why in this semi-editorial, hopefully I try to avoid rambling.

If you can get past his most widely known and heard tune, Gary Numan is an artist who talks about issues in a way that I normally would never talk about. I would never have such an strong dislike towards G-d, at least not like him. Don't get me wrong, although I do like Gary Numan, some things he states or mentions in his lyrics I do not agree with. Initially Numan's point of view was that G-d did not exist, and that believing in such is bullshit. Thankfully he's changed his stance on the issue by not only acknowledging existence in his songs, but by reinforcing it with his strong dislike towards G-d. I'll try to keep this to a minimum.

Numan has not only had his own set backs in life, he has used as fodder against G-d, and not just the argument of existence. What's promising is that Numan constantly strives for love, and the absence of such only enforces Numan's belief towards hating G-d and arguing that G-d is just as absent from him as having an experience with love and family (see Prayer for the Unborn). Yet there are instances where he accepts the possibility of having a relationship with G-d, albeit one where G-d does what He wants regardless of Numan's feelings, taken from You Walk In My Soul, of the album Sacrifice:

I'll love you forever
And a day
I'll love you till God comes and takes me away

Whisper of Truth, on Sacrifice, Numan describes the difficulty with dealing with isolation from an  androgynous unspecified person of interest through love. One of the advancements of this track, versus another from his previous album, is that he specifies that there is "No angel to guide" him. Yet his feelings seem to be built around his insecurity or affirmation of his insecurities regarding issues of love, and a good example of such is with Love Isolation, on Machine + Soul.

Tracking back to an even earlier album than the above mentioned Numan's lyrics on God Only Knows, which I believe is a take on the Beach Boys song of the same name, go something like this:

How I survived God only knows

I remember the feeling
I'll remember forever
How it all just came apart

I don't believe in praying
I don't believe in a God
Now I question everything

The dreamer is gone
I'm an old man

On a side note, both the Beach Boy's own tune and Numan's relate to difficult emotional issues, specifically those that conflict and confuse love. The absence of knowing, outside of G-d knowing, seems to be a common theme, even if Numan jumps on and off the fence on whether or not he believes.

On Desire he once again tackles the difficulty of suffering:

So will I suffer

Humility,
Divine forgiveness,
When you come for me?
When you come for me

In many of his songs, it's clear that he wants G-d's help, yet he is quick to penalize G-d when horrible things happen, and this is heard on Little Invitro, as a response to a(n assumed) failed pregnancy. Surprisingly Numan still works well with maintaining a connection to a spiritual or ethereal world and its members. An example of that is heard on A Child With The Ghost.

If I had one wish
I'd wish to talk with you
I have some questions
Things only you could know
If I had one wish
I'd wish to talk with you
Nothing you can feel
Can feel as cold as this

I like those lyrics because they're easy to empathize with when it feels like I'm listening to someone preaching the truth. Especially in regards to my own life.

If I had to pick a Numan song, I really couldn't just pick one, I would pick something that relates to how I feel at a given moment and go from there. But just comparing some of his songs, like the difference between M.E., Pure, and She's Got Claws is huge in my mind. Although there is a common theme of alienation and isolation emotionally or otherwise. Pretty obvious from lyrics that state, "We're dreams in cold storage."

Unlike Insane Clown Posse's Miracles, Gary Numan "[doesn't] believe in [M]iracles". Before you click on ICP's version, keep in mind that the lyrical quality is so far down the toilet with ICP that I am bothered I even brought it up.

I must say that there is something in the back of my mind listening to Gary Numan's songs, and it mainly comes from not only my Torah readings, experiences and self reflection on life, but also from Hagakure's occasionally mentioned Master Ittei, whom the writer of Hagakure clearly respected.

"Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."

"It is not good to settle into a set of opinions. It is a mistake to put forth effort and obtain some understanding and then stop at that."

“Master Ittei said: ‘If I were to say what it is to do good, I would say simply that it is to endure suffering. Failing to endure is always bad.’”

So far I think Gary Numan is doing his best at conveying suffering. Yet, he has failed to endure the love that G-d gives us and allows us to give to others. That's something that always sticks somewhere in the back of my mind when I listen to his songs. More examples of suffering here on Dance, album of the same name.

And I could always
take the pills and leave
But you have to stay awake
to stay away
And I would die for you
And I would cry too
And I would sing like rain
And I would find you

In 1980 Gary Numan released Telekon, 14 years before Sacrifice. This is Please Push No More, a song about a the difficulties and strain of love, and as mentioned before if you didn't catch it by now, something that is almost present in every Numan album.

Now it's all over for sure
I'll walk back home
We must all come down
We all grow old
We are close, we are hurt
So that was love
And love she kills me
It needs to, so

Please push no more

Gary Numan does something that Dapl does every well, both of them give up on love, growing old,  while wanting not to be pushed anymore. It's clear from this point that they have violated Ittei's valuable advice with their own opinions. Yet, I wonder if the security of Numan's and Dapl's opinions is what negates feelings and beliefs through strict, albeit, questionable discipline? 

Opinions can change with facts, but beliefs?
Don't worry, Numan has a song that could be relegated to that kind of question:

And I can not be saved
Not by you
Not by God
I want to bleed

And I can hardly breath
Look at me
Falling down
Before your eyes

All I've needed
Takes me away from you
All I've wanted
Takes me away from you
All I live for
Takes me away from you
All I'd die for
Takes me away from you

From Haunted, which I believe to be unrequited love - interesting dialectic there huh? - and the difficulties of such, and that is something that Gary Numan clearly haunts himself with regularly. Off of Jagged, 2006. I like this one, and I think about it often when I think about G-d, love, and more.

Gary Numan's take and perspective on relationships, love, the heart, and the absence of G-d show, to me at least, the pressures of life and the toll it takes on the soul. Heart continues with that idea, and the saxophone does it's part too.

There's no tears for you.
Time will heal you
Time heals everyone
There's no heart at all.
Time will help you
Time helps you forget me.

Yet in reality Numan has not forgotten anything, and his continued use of themes like this only show the important of how love, relationships, and G-d affect him. I agree with not forgetting, even though the woman's supporting lyrics in the song suggest the passing of time to heal. Frankly speaking, I think Numan needs to remember, he needs that history otherwise he has nothing. I suppose I can relate in my own way, one way or through others.

Do you use music too?
Music is quite popular and a great form of expression.
Just take Roy Orbison for example and his ballads of love, or Teddy Pendergrass.
Hell even Ted Nugent has his take, albeit usually reserved for putting his butter on his woman's gritz.

2011年9月21日 Tearing away & full circles

Mt. Hood in the distance

Today is more shit that no one probably wants to think about anyway. The kind of stuff people think about in the shower before they shampoo and condition their hair.

This morning on my way to work I noticed that the clouds had a totally different color than the clear skies below it. The contrast was quite beautiful, and although my camera sucks gonads, at least I got a picture and this time it's not fake!

Pink, purple, and blue...

My commute takes around a hour solid, maybe a little over. I head straight west from the east. So instead of actually chasing the sun, I'm really just avoiding it. I also do the same in life as well be it physically or emotionally, unless I have company. I do enjoy the sun, especially above lighting that is direct and not from the sun, yet I often do not get enough. I don't mind too much though, and I suppose it's because I'm used to constant overcast and rain. Which brings me to a movie that almost is the same in terms of atmosphere and climate.

and it's not from domestic violence!

That movie, which I have seen too many times but love to watch regardless, is called Se7en. It's also probably going to be on my list of re-watchable movies for a long time. The dialog that stuck with me this last viewing is the following:

Somerset: Attrition. It’s when you regret your sins but not because you love God.
Mills: Because someone's sticking a fucking gun in your face.

Pretty

Before I continue I must say that as we progress in life we feel differently about x or y things.

When one reads the Bible today and comparing it with reading it 15 years ago, the way one may feel about the words may change, but the words did not change at all. Nor did the meaning of those words change, yet the meaning in terms of how one feels at present, while reflecting, may be different. Sometimes we have a social gun to our face, and we do things because we "have to" almost as if a gun is in front of our face.

Last night was no exception. Even I've heard that dialog several times over, it doesn't change, but the way I reflected on it did.

Over the bridge.
You can see the
silhouette of Mt. hood

I thought about my decisions with studying Judaism and other things.

Am I really doing this for the right reasons? 

Am I doing this because I love G-d? 

Am I doing this because I'm not trying to run away?

Am I doing this because I'm trying to run towards?

And "What is the price tag?" which is the most important question anyone could ask if they are interested in Jews. Because we all know that Jews love money and hoard it. If Jews were on Hoarders, the house would just be filled with money.

***
I was on the phone with my grandma the other day and I said I like going to shul because nobody is flashy with their cars, as they all own Mercedes-whatever. And if they don't have a flashy car it's because those are the real Jews, since they're too stingy to spend any money any how.

Although honestly and according to a page from the ADL, "[c]ontrary to widely held stereotypes, [..there are] over 700,000 American Jews [who] live below or near the poverty line[.]

End rambling.

***

While I'm not going to answer all of those questions I will answer two of them. Yes, I am doing it because I love G-d, and I need and want it.
The price tag? Well, outside of having my family alienated because I refuse to acknowledge Christmas and the like, I no longer eat packaged ramen noodles (even though I love them - the noodles, not family - so much). This is because there is lactose and chicken together. I don't personally understand the connection, but through legalism Rabbis have deemed this non-kosher.

Wikipedia states that, [l]egalism, in Christian [(or within some ranks of Judaism's)] theology, [a].. term referring to an over-emphasis on discipline of conduct, or legal ideas, usually implying an allegation of misguided rigour, pride, superficiality, the neglect of mercy, and ignorance of the grace of God or emphasizing the letter of law over the spirit.

So getting back to the clouds that's what I was thinking about looking at them.
I thought about how I have felt on certain issues. 

Would I change how I felt? 

How can I if I'm thinking about them daily?  

At present there is no clear answer to some of these questions and issues, which reminds me of a wonderful quote from a great movie.

You're always going to be tearing away at yourself until you come to terms with what you are. Until you come full circle.

I know what I am and who I am.
I'm just not sure how to apply it,
or if I should apply it at all, if it only benefits me.

So have I come to terms yet?

There is supposed to be a right decision, at least there ought to be one when I come full circle.

2011年9月20日 Did you ever?

"Did you ever feel love towards anyone since your last girlfriend?" She said to me while I was driving. 

I kept driving trying to complicate the clarity of answering by adding excessive details, something that I'm not only good at but can also make it seem natural, which it was. At some point I dropped her off, came inside to chat with her and her mom. They were nice to me and it was good to catch up. It seems that people my age are getting busier by the day.

When I left, I couldn't help the desire to drive more. I had to drive. I had to get out. I had to get in. There were lights in the sky, from the poles I passed, and nothing to reflect on them but my thoughts and feelings. I think my flight engineer had bailed out at this point, I couldn't get anyone over the intercom.

I kept driving. Listening to the music, whose prescription for numbness, and also depending on the feeling, provided a quaint degree of clarity. I drove to the cemetery again, thinking about how good it felt to drive around at night, even if it was only 10pm.

I thought about those whom I had a chance to share this feeling with, I thought about how in that car we could move the world around us. We could move the lights around us, and we could move. Though it didn't change much, outside of consumption of gasoline, I couldn't help but understand the emotional, if not intellectual necessity of driving at night-time. It felt good I could have at least shared it with my friends, even if I have to do it alone at times. It felt good. Or was it because the cabin was pressurized?

Who else can understand this feeling? Who else has said, "Enough." Who else has said, "Right now." Who else has said, "I must get out. I must do these things to get back in the game, to get back to myself." Who else does these things? Who unlocks that door? Only to put the keys in the ignition, and drive somewhere with no intention of escaping, no intention of confrontation, no intention of anything other than getting back to one's own self. One's own thoughts and feelings. Was there any intention of forgiveness? Was there any intention of searching? Expectations? No, there was no use for such feelings. I could see black spots ahead of me. Little black clouds.

There is a method of farming called crop rotation, most people already are aware of this, but the idea is that you don't just plant one thing year after year. It ruins the soil. So with our own souls and mind, why do we do it anyway? Does not the soil of our mind and heart need time to heal so we can go back again? To move forward again? The land doesn't change, the crops don't (really) change, but the seasons do and will.

Just like the words of G-d, and related proverbs, the words don't change, but we do. What we saw yesterday, we will not feel the same way about it tomorrow or in the future, or maybe while that feeling has change, has it gotten stronger? I wouldn't know, nor am I expecting anyone to know for sure.

But I'll still get back in the car. Without navigation, radio-operator, without my tail-gunner, and so forth. And I'll still drive around at night. Wondering, thinking and feeling while I let the world around me move. Just like the smooth well lit roads and the difficult twisted dark hills, in my mind I will drive through them as often as I can. Co-pilot or not, no one could say for sure if we would make it home anyhow. Could it still be called a Superfortress if there is only one aboard?

I'm not supposed to answer these questions to begin with. 

So was I supposed to ask them?

2011年9月19日 Un-welcomed visitors at the door?

Some people have often said my behavior when answering doors or dealing with awkward situations at home is excessive. Once when Wainwright and I still lived with each other, sometime around 11:50pm I heard a loud knocking on the apartment door. I was extremely bothered by this, since my friends know to call in advance. I had no idea who would be and since my apartment did not have a peephole I grabbed a gun. I answered the door, and low and behold my (usually)-drunk-and-potato-loving friend was at the door. I told him I was extremely bothered by him not calling, to which Dapl (Drunk-And-Potato-Loving) didn't see a problem, until I said, "Well, at least let me put this away." We chatted briefly and then he went home.

At a later date Dapl reminded me of that situation saying I was "waving a gun around." when he came to visit. To which I replied, "You didn't call. It's my home, and at no point was I 'waving a gun around.'" He could not come up with a good argument, other than he thought my reaction was extreme. Only Wainwright and I knew much about our place. At no point do strangers belong near or in front of our apartment due to its rigid design. Had wainwright continued to stay in the USA and we continued to live there, I would have bought him his own piece, and he knows it.

Another instance happened when I was still in high-school. My mom and I lived in an apartment complex. I was sleeping on the couch and I think it was around 11pm or later, when a low and continuous knocking woke up me. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, hiding it behind my thigh pointing the blade towards the ground. The knocking must have continued for at least a solid minute, without end, even until I approach the door. When I answered to the door, a cop standing with sub-machine gun in low-ready position, although not pointed at me, was only two and a half feet away.

I was so dumbfounded, especially from just waking up, I had no idea what to do. He began to inform me that the police were in the area looking for three suspects and if I knew anything. 

"Uh, hold on just a moment, I need to set this down first." I took a step back, leaving the door wide open for him, and in the most non-threatening manner I could provide I sat the knife down on a table near the door. When that cop saw the knife his eyes literally exploded from his skull. He took one careful step back, but still kept his weapon in the low-ready position with the barrel away of my general direction. 

Outside of his head actually exploding, I think that's the furthest anyone could bug their eyes out. I began to speak telling him I didn't notice anything until he knocked on the door. "Well, thanks sir, goodnight." And it was over as soon as it started.

Watching E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial with my mom and nephew this weekend reminded me of what people think of questionable behavior in general and it's the reason I brought up those two separate stories. There was a specific scene in the film where Elliot (the main character) rushes into his house to tell his mom, brother and his brother's friends that there is a "goblin outside!" His brother and friends laugh, until they realize Elliot is serious, at which point they immediately proceed to the kitchen to grab knives. 

The first thought in my mind was teamwork! Unfortunately, the rest of my family nor society subscribes to my feelings on this issue. You can see the full scene here, albeit in German.

All of my friends are always welcomed, most of them know me well enough not to surprise me. Thankfully, most of my friends agree with my pro-life stance on un-welcomed visitors. For those who don't, take a good look at what could happen. I'm not saying live in fear, because I wasn't afraid to answer the door, as I did answer the door. Yet, I am not going to answer the door without actually being prepared. 

How many people actually go out of their way to buy cars without air-bags? It's the same thing, tools are there for your safety, and ideally it's best if we die without ever having to use them (even once).

Most people forget that thieves, killers and rapists subscribe to the following mentality.

Today we were unlucky, but remember we only have to be lucky once. You will have to be lucky always. - A statement released by the IRA (1984)

Staying safe has never felt so good.

2011年9月18日 Being wrong

I realized I was wrong about something after the other day's post about music. And no, the music didn't help, it just made things much worse, even though I like the music I posted.

No, it's not about the puzzle. But I was wrong about something.

2011年9月17日 Invitations

Today at shul, - Jew stuff - I was invited for high holiday stuff within the next few weeks.

I was pretty happy to be invited. Wear a yarmulke and people think you're a Jew. Well, I'm not a Jew, but to express reverence towards The high holy one, yes I'll put a little skull cap on my head.

2011年9月16日 Music

Music is a serious issue for me. Just as serious as the internet, click me to find out how much.

I personally have listened to all kinds of music under most, if not all kinds of, circumstances I have encountered in life. In high-school I used to listen to jazz over the radio while playing Counter-Strike. It was therapeutic. Then I found out the GTA series was doing it too, and obviously making money as a result. I have no doubt in my mind that music is extremely valuable. That being said, I decided to remove a bunch of music from play-lists I made on YouTube.

One of my play-lists stood out among the rest. It is titled, "愛について"* the romanization of which is 

"ai ni tsuite" 

Which roughly means, "One who is violated."

Just kidding. It actually means "About love". All joking aside, I had at least 150 songs I enjoyed a lot, or at least thought about often. I ended up chopping over 80 percent, and was left with twenty-eight tracks. I originally made the play-list to express what I believed corresponded to what I thought "love" was "about." I think it's a good idea when making a play-list in general. One should pick few words as possible to express the idea or feeling they want to convey, and then pick out the music.

Music is an everyday,
no days off experience,
period,
which happens to be next to a comma.

I am sad to say Todd Rundgren's Hello It's Me, beat Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love. Even Barry White didn't make the cut for me. That's just how it rolls. I felt pretty good cutting it down, and it reminded me of how easy it is to cut down civilians in rice paddies with a M-60. Get some!

So, what do I have left? 

Nothing other than what I can hold in my mental hands. Here's the list. 

Some of these you might recognize. I must say in advance that when I hear "I'd do anything for love." I imagine a situation where a man says to his wife,  

"I love you, I'd do anything for love..."  

"Would you do the dishes?" 

"(But) I won't do that!"

But seriously, you should at least know Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You. It works for friends, family, or even romantically. Or in recent news, with Ron Paul.

So how about yourself?

Do you have any play-lists you hold in high regard?
What would you name them?

2011年9月15日 Face-book?

Yesterday at work I was thinking about Face-Book, and a reoccurring theme came back into my mind in regards to it:

• I am not happy when I log into FB. 

• I am disappointed with the vapid and facile commentary which not only disappoints me, but is also discouraging when I want to get to know that person. I don't mean commentary as a whole, but generally what is posted on FB as a whole. Of course, yes, I do like videos and what not, but most dialog is no different or about as intelligible as HS bullshit banter. 

• I am not happy with how I feel when using FB. 

• Using FB is a chore that only exploits my carefully organized and filed-away despondency.

I knew this was an eventuality for me, but frankly, I almost look at it as a blessing in disguise. I don't need to worry about things like this anymore and I don't feel like I'm disappearing by choosing not to worry or by allowing it to bother me so much. 

If anything, most people have my email or can get it through someone they know who knows me. I feel  that FB helps me acknowledge that there is growing distance between myself and some people. In most cases it's uncontrollable, because people at some point make a decision and take a path. Right or wrong. Good or bad. There is no grey area, and if there is, well there is a proverb for that one: Half a truth is the worst kind of lie.

Sure seeing pictures of this or that interesting, if not promising, yet to me it kind of negates the enjoyment of actually showing someone a photo album or emailing them to a friend. I suppose to me FB takes away the depth of friendship or otherwise that I would normally want.

On a side note, I notice that FB tends to push me towards tolerating other people's bullshit, until I am fed up and then I permanently hide their wall posts. I have done this with at least a 100 people out of a hundred and 150, maybe even higher than that. I am generally fed up with a person when they spam FB, complain, and yet do not want solutions presented to them. I believe the prior to be true, since after offering resolution, not in jest, several times towards people on their wall, I was blocked. No surprise there.

No doubts here about what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm complaining about FB, and so my solution is to remove it from my life. Let it be so. Does it matter? Yes and no. I suppose it depends on how one executes the ritual of removing it from one's life. Do you feel better using FB? Does it help with maintaining a degree of quality for your life? Or is it an escape? Do you substitute lurking as a medium to avoid people? If so, who are you alienating really? I think we're alienating ourselves, it's no wonder we're slowly becoming judgmental without confrontation, without responsibility. Maybe I'm wrong, but FB to me is like looking at the shadow of a shadow, of a shadow, and then saying, "Hey, this is my friend." Really?

With the same speed as someone who blocks another person on FB, I deleted my own account, without reservations other than those intended to spare pictures taken of me which I had no other way to access. At some point I will look back on my decision, and scoff that I actually needed a reason or rather, that I took the time to explain my reasoning. Maybe I won't.

There is so much work to do beyond this and it almost seems never ending.
More and more rituals. 

More and more tasks.

2011年9月14日 Free shit 01

A few years back I had a sweet green trucker hat. It was the kind of hat where they company took extra company logo patches and had them sewn onto hats. It was totally badass. Well, before I came back from Japan I the adjuster on the back of the hat broke, so I was more or less resigned to give up the hat since I could really repair it. I eventually gave it to a French guy who constantly wore green and listened to techno and house almost hourly.

Free shit

The other day I noticed that my West Virginia hat was more or less falling under the same circumstances, so I got an idea:
Why not just ask Lynden Transport if they still have have a hat like that?

So did just that. The following week, this last Monday, I got an email asking me for my address. I gave my address, and by the next day I got three brand new hats. This is awesome!

When emailed them back about how I am a "happy camper." They, who will not be named, said:

That’s Great! 

Thank you for your interest in Lynden, Eric.

omitted

I suppose it makes sense that a transport company sends stuff out pretty damn fast, but wow. I did not expect to get hats within a full 24 hours or so.

As for the hats the middle hat looks ugly in the picture, and it's mainly because it was folded to fit in the box. I like the right one, but I often wear the left, even though it matches nothing I wear. Like my original Lynden Transport Alaska hat, the green one doesn't match anything I wear, but it seems like a rugged hat nonetheless. Hopefully it's just as rugged and durable as my original.

Now if I only wore rapist glasses, instead of contacts, I could look like one of those creepy fuckers on the train who never smile at people.

If it ain't ruff it ain't me. - MC Ren

I'm wondering if I can get more free stuff from companies?
Probably.

2011年9月13日 Running is not a sport

I told a co-worker that I said running is not a sport, because other players cannot affect another runner's ability to achieve his or her score, much like bowling, darts, or drinking.

She frowned at me, as if she was going to give up, since she could not or would not give either a rebuttal or rejection towards my opinion other than the classic, "Well I respect your opinion, but...." Not only did her train of thought end there. It fucking derailed with no survivors. I have not heard stupid shit like that since I last saw an efukt video (Never Safe For Work), that had dialog like this:

Camera dude: What's your name?
Black chick: Africa.

Camera: Africa? That's original. Did you come up with that on your own? Or was it because ebony and mocha were already taken?

His belittling goes on and on. And it's just that one chick in the video. 

It's quite funny, until I realized that many of these women are probably abusing drugs, are stupid, or just trying to pay for college tuition (which is probably the worst out of them all).

Anyhow, the point I wanted to make to my co-worker was that running isn't a sport. Yes it is exercise and yes it is a work out. So if running is a sport, then Tae-Bo must be a fucking super-sport? I want to ask her if she thinks what Richard Simmons does is a sport or not, or if yoga is a sport. Hell, with my coworker's lack of explanation of her logic, even Zumba is a sport!

I recall reading something like:

"There are only two sports: motor racing and bull fighting. Everything else is just a game."

Ernest Hemingway

I'd feel bad for my coworker, and her inability to explain why running is a sport, but frankly I can't feel bad for her. I know the more questions I have the faster she'll give up. What's worse is that if I didn't not have to know her, I would question her Vietnamese ancestry. Hell the Vietnamese fought for at least 10 years, and she's giving up in less than 10 minutes. I guess what confuses me is how she presented running to me.

She: *Sniffles*

Me: Are you okay?

She: I'm okay, it's just my immune system from all the miles.

Me: But don't you run to stay healthy? How does it make sense for you to be unhealthy because of running? Wouldn't you cut down your mileage?
She: It's not as bad as other people.

Wait. What the fuck? All of which I actually said, except for the "What the fuck?" First, if you're doing something to stay healthy and it makes your immune system weak, how the fuck does that make sense?

Seriously! And she looks at me like I'm an idiot for raising these questions.
No surprise she came up with no logical answers other than, "I really love running, and it's therapeutic." Which is a valid argument, but not when someone declares that they run (primarily) for health reasons. It wasn't until well after 7 minutes did she mention such. I will note that I did bring up chess and how that's a sport, and yet she said, "Well that's a mental sport."
Is not the brain an organ?
Don't you need organs for sports?
What happen's if a chicken's head is cut off?
Doesn't it run a marathon before dying?
It was a shame that she could not explain these things to me.

Yes I'm aware of what Wikipedia says:

"[A] sport is all forms of physical activity which, through casual or organised participation, aim to use, maintain or improve physical fitness and provide entertainment to participants." 

Sexual intercourse anyone? Going to church could be considered a sport if you went to one of those crazy black gospel churches where people are standing up dancing around... The point is that my opinion doesn't mean shit, actually her opinion matters since we're talking about shit she enjoys. The downside is she isn't even able to explain it clearly. Next time I'm going to tell people that yodeling is a sport. I'm sure it would be a sport if one was yodeling into the asshole of an elephant. Not sure if I would pay to see that.

It's a sport!

15 years from now I can just see my coworker: a candidate for a Darwin award. Hopefully at a monster truck (sports) show against Grave Digger.

2011年9月12日 Puzzling

I had a picture in my posession, more like a puzzle.

2011年9月11日 Funny

It's funny that the first thing I wanted to post about on this blog was something related to being "between a rock and a hard place." It's funny to me that it has no relation whatsoever to this specific date in general. 

Today, is just another day. 

Just like December fifth when the Japanese attacked us.* 

I recall once that I brought up WW2 to a Swedish dude in Japan, but what they said to me shocked me, "That was like, 60 years ago." I remember rebuttal was something like, "I hope when you're 80 years old explaining your life to your grand-children or whoever, that they say the exact same phrase to you about your experiences in Japan." I think he was 20 or so. He frowned a bit, shrugging, and I grinned at him with my best "I caught you--" you-typical-no-penis-Swedish-person face.

Today also was extremely productive work wise. 

I got work done on Cabal, you can sign up here to play it (for free). No ads.

Then later I met with Fozzjnen for our ritualized meeting of food, conversation, and vulgarities. Actually it's more like me being vulgar, especially... You'd rather not want to know I imagine. 

Although we have a tendency to go to the same place, the place we normally congregate sure can serve the food up super spicy. I was also happy that the food accommodated my recent lapse in quality humor, though I was barely I was able to come up "with something new." Albeit it 80 percent in terms of quality, if I were to mention it here, you would probably refuse to eat anything that could be vaguely associated with scatological humor. You'll also think twice about asking for extra anything that isn't a vegetable or meat on your next dish. 

Maybe it's the weather or stress of life, but I got the feeling that Fozzjnen wasn't in his normal wakka wakka mood. Today was not so much average, rather than it was slightly depressing and entertaining. Yet, I don't think it was wasted at all. Let's see what the Swedish Chef has to say:

*In fifty years, no one is going to remember any of this anyhow, or care.

2011年9月10日 "Life is complicated."

Within the past few days people have been going out of their way to tell me about 9-11.

First of all 9-11 wasn't that bad, at least not for me. I know people who were more concerned about what happened in Fukushima than they were about 9-11. I'm specifically talking about Americans more worried about Japanese. That's how detached some of us are at times, including myself. As for the actual day of 9-11, I'd probably forget about it if it wasn't such a big deal for a lot of people, whom I don't know beyond cordially. Personally the Friday of that week was a day that I won't forget. September fourteenth was the day I had a really difficult test, and I couldn't get any studying done because everyone was freaking out over 9-11.

So was it really that bad?

Yeah the test was pretty bad, but let's get back to 9-11.

It was bad, pretty bad, - 9-11 that is - but I think what is worse is how we've as a nation (the U.S.) have reacted to it. Our economy sucks and we've basically functioning on self-sufficiency at any cost. Sometimes it goes to the point of blasphemy against the memorial of those who suffered, such as those during the events of 9-11. Sometimes it goes beyond just that date itself. Sometimes that blasphemy is with us in our daily lives, happening against our friends, neighbor's, and worse: our own beliefs.

So how am I going to remember 9-11?

How do you try to remember?

Tomorrow I'm going to play GTA IV. 

That's how.

2011年9月9日 "Such is life"

I hope Ned Kelly is wrong.

Ned Kelly, murderer, outlaw,
and douchebag

Some people "grow up" as they age. Some don't. 

What if you're already grown up before you age? 

Are you twice as old? 

Did your friends die before you met them?

Is the vanity of youth genuinely valuable to prior people?

How does tea taste to the old? 

Does the bitter flavor remind them of the sweetness of yesterday?

How can they smile, with all of those wrinkles and scars in their mind and heart?
Do they hang up their soul like a jacket BEFORE they leave the house?

How can they smile?
When all it looks like is sorrow on a throne?

All these questions, and no answers.
Although, I think Ned did actually get the one answer he deserved.
Which is probably why he said those three words.

I mused about this yesterday and it lingered all the way until today. It didn't bother me a bit to ask myself these questions, or whether or not they matter, or rather if it mattered that I was asking them versus someone else. Does it matter who asks or answers the question? Or does it matter that the question is asked?

I was talking once to my dad on the phone, and I complained about how life sucked and things were difficult. His best advice was, "It's only going to get worse."
My best reply was silent agreement.

2011年9月8日 Today, Tomorrow, and forgetting yesterday

Today I am making steps towards things I could have only imagined 7 years ago or so. It is funny, since Jacob had to work 7 years for the wife he wanted, yet was screwed over and even he ended up doing 14 years before he was satisfied. He also nabbed two chicks in the process, albeit only one of them he actually loved. Such is the life of the Jews.

Do things in life even resemble this anymore? 

Honestly? No, they don't or rather, I don't see it, so I don't know if it exists. When it comes to humans, including myself, for the most part I can only claim that I know enough to the point where I know nothing of value on the issue.

I know people work hard to achieve their monetary goals. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure people have dream careers too, but I'm pretty sure that career entails what someone considers a reasonable or even tolerable amount of money.

I had dreams again last night. People coming and going, going and coming. It reminded me of Rick's office from the fiction I write (Is-it-fiction?). Maybe I need to spend less time thinking about Peter Lorre. I'm not going to say much more about it.

Basically the worst part of today including the title is that I lost my journal.
It's not at my mom's nor at my home. And no I didn't miss place it. The biggest concern I have is two things, someone I know finds it, someone I don't know finds it and then spouts shit off on craigslist about how angsty it is to them. I don't really give a damn, nor even if I had a surplus of damns would give one, to any schmuck mick bastard who would consider such. If my journal is angst-laden, then almost anything by Roy Orbison must be 30 times as bad.

2011年9月7日 Guests

I woke up slightly hungover to a tapping noise coming from the office door. At first I did my best to ignore it, and in most cases my best isn't much. Thankfully I believe in having a back up plan, or plans, so I motioned towards the 45 player. Vivo Sohando started to play and I turned up the volume until I couldn't hear anymore tapping on the door.

At my desk there was some beer left in an opened bottle, warm or not I finished it off and wondered about having another for breakfast.

"Hello? I know you're in there, open the door." The familiar and disembodied voice said over the music. Can't she take a hint? Without turning down the music I walk for the door unlocking as I pulled it open slightly.

"Rick, I was hoping..."

It's her alright.

"Just sit the hell down." I said piping over her quiet voice, opening the door just enough for her to come in. Tatige placed a tote bag next to a chair adjacent from me. She appeared to have some conscious desire to make her self as comfortable as possible, and it was even more clear as she crossed her legs. I decided to stand and I watched her lips purse in a unnatural fashion as she stared at my hands while I opened a new beer.

"It's not even after 2 o'clock yet, look at you."

"That may be so, but it is after 10 am."

"You didn't meet me at Le'Blanc so I was worried about you."

"Like that matters. What do you want?"

"If you'd give me a minute I could explain, and you can't tell me what I can and cannot feel."

"I can if you've told me."
"Things change." She said pivoting in her seat to turn off the record player.

"No they don't, they just get tolerable over time."

"Are you even-"

"Just give me the fucking file." I said almost spitting at her. I was so angry, how could she interrupt a man's breakfast, for the love of God. She motioned towards her tote and pulled out a file, there couldn't have been more than three or four pages in, and maybe a picture or two from the angle.

"Now I don't really know how to explain these things, it's all just a mess and I'm sure you'll understand when you see it." It came into my hands and just skimming over the first few paragraphs I realized why Tatige was in my office and not elsewhere. We have worked together on some assignments in the past, when things were getting out of hand with some out of towners. I didn't need to finish even the first page before my tongue took over.

"Get the fuck out of here!"

She shook nervously at my voice. 

"Get the fuck out, get out now!"

I watched her hurriedly pick up her tote and walk out. Thankfully she didn't slam the door. After a few seconds, I threw the file on the ground near the file cabinet. Then I got up and put a sign on the outside of the door. Unavailable until further notice. I walked back to my desk and started to work on the beer I had neglected from her interruption.

Glancing at the file from across the room, I had half a mind to chuck the fucking beer at the office door. Then what would you do for breakfast? I smirked slightly, sitting down behind the desk. Rubbing my head frowning, I couldn't help but realize that nothing was gained at all today. But isn't there tomorrow? Not if it doesn't have booze. You're an alcoholic. You enjoy it too. Yeah, but do we really need it? Unlike women this bottle isn't going to grow legs and walk out. Keep telling yourself that. The voice of reason, albeit hungover, countered. I didn't enjoy having dialog with myself when I felt this way. 

"There wasn't anything else that I could do." I chimed under my breath. At least we agree on something.

***

Outside the building the woman approached a neatly dressed man who was smoking by a telephone pole.

"So?" The smoking man said whistling the words as held a cigarette between his teeth.

"Well, I'm actually surprised, because before this he generally denied how he felt about it."
"Hmm?"
"I let him keep the papers, but you should have seen how he reacted! What a child."
"Can you blame him?" The smoking man said as he reached inside his jacket pocket for more cigarettes.
The woman made a sharp stare at the man, who did not seemed bothered at all.
"What I think is that it's none of your business."

"Do you really think it's okay to let him decide on this?" The man spoke raising his eyebrows towards her.
"Let's just go, I don't want to be here right now."

2011年9月6日 Letters

I was hoping for a warm reception at home. Outside of the ninety plus humidity and beer that was half cold, I guess I wasn't far off the mark. 

I came into the office, which was more like home since I didn't really collect my thoughts alone anywhere else. With mail in my hands, sorting through the bullshit, I flicked the radio on. A nonstandard envelope was the third piece down. Usually these things are from old flames. More like a wildfires.

It had no return address on the enveloped, which was beige. I was really expecting something from one of my other resources since they use similar envelopes, until I realized whose handwriting I was looking at.

Rick, 

I'm sorry it's been a long time since we've talked, but you know I still care. I'd like to talk sometime but I can understand if you don't want to see me again.

I pursed my lips as I put a nicely polished shoe dent on the side my desk.

You can meet me over at Noir- Le'blanc on Wednesdays at noon sharp. 

Tazmanian Tiger

Fuck.

Tatige, haven't heard from that Tazamanian Tiger in some time. What the holy hell. I didn't think twice about this kind of shit, nor did I like to, since I generally stick to the stance that I'm at from the beginning. The only time you need to shift your stance is when the Earth changes its own. I mumbled quietly opening the first, or third beer of the night. It didn't matter to me, since no real business through this door would actually happen at this point.

Did I even leave the open sign out?

It didn't matter to me walk-in business would happen anyway. Everyone knows that only desperate women, double-agents, and double or even triple-agent women only come without calling or mailing first.

The last thing I remember before passing out was Holy Thursday still playing on the radio even though it was a Tuesday.