2011年9月21日 Tearing away & full circles

Mt. Hood in the distance

Today is more shit that no one probably wants to think about anyway. The kind of stuff people think about in the shower before they shampoo and condition their hair.

This morning on my way to work I noticed that the clouds had a totally different color than the clear skies below it. The contrast was quite beautiful, and although my camera sucks gonads, at least I got a picture and this time it's not fake!

Pink, purple, and blue...

My commute takes around a hour solid, maybe a little over. I head straight west from the east. So instead of actually chasing the sun, I'm really just avoiding it. I also do the same in life as well be it physically or emotionally, unless I have company. I do enjoy the sun, especially above lighting that is direct and not from the sun, yet I often do not get enough. I don't mind too much though, and I suppose it's because I'm used to constant overcast and rain. Which brings me to a movie that almost is the same in terms of atmosphere and climate.

and it's not from domestic violence!

That movie, which I have seen too many times but love to watch regardless, is called Se7en. It's also probably going to be on my list of re-watchable movies for a long time. The dialog that stuck with me this last viewing is the following:

Somerset: Attrition. It’s when you regret your sins but not because you love God.
Mills: Because someone's sticking a fucking gun in your face.

Pretty

Before I continue I must say that as we progress in life we feel differently about x or y things.

When one reads the Bible today and comparing it with reading it 15 years ago, the way one may feel about the words may change, but the words did not change at all. Nor did the meaning of those words change, yet the meaning in terms of how one feels at present, while reflecting, may be different. Sometimes we have a social gun to our face, and we do things because we "have to" almost as if a gun is in front of our face.

Last night was no exception. Even I've heard that dialog several times over, it doesn't change, but the way I reflected on it did.

Over the bridge.
You can see the
silhouette of Mt. hood

I thought about my decisions with studying Judaism and other things.

Am I really doing this for the right reasons? 

Am I doing this because I love G-d? 

Am I doing this because I'm not trying to run away?

Am I doing this because I'm trying to run towards?

And "What is the price tag?" which is the most important question anyone could ask if they are interested in Jews. Because we all know that Jews love money and hoard it. If Jews were on Hoarders, the house would just be filled with money.

***
I was on the phone with my grandma the other day and I said I like going to shul because nobody is flashy with their cars, as they all own Mercedes-whatever. And if they don't have a flashy car it's because those are the real Jews, since they're too stingy to spend any money any how.

Although honestly and according to a page from the ADL, "[c]ontrary to widely held stereotypes, [..there are] over 700,000 American Jews [who] live below or near the poverty line[.]

End rambling.

***

While I'm not going to answer all of those questions I will answer two of them. Yes, I am doing it because I love G-d, and I need and want it.
The price tag? Well, outside of having my family alienated because I refuse to acknowledge Christmas and the like, I no longer eat packaged ramen noodles (even though I love them - the noodles, not family - so much). This is because there is lactose and chicken together. I don't personally understand the connection, but through legalism Rabbis have deemed this non-kosher.

Wikipedia states that, [l]egalism, in Christian [(or within some ranks of Judaism's)] theology, [a].. term referring to an over-emphasis on discipline of conduct, or legal ideas, usually implying an allegation of misguided rigour, pride, superficiality, the neglect of mercy, and ignorance of the grace of God or emphasizing the letter of law over the spirit.

So getting back to the clouds that's what I was thinking about looking at them.
I thought about how I have felt on certain issues. 

Would I change how I felt? 

How can I if I'm thinking about them daily?  

At present there is no clear answer to some of these questions and issues, which reminds me of a wonderful quote from a great movie.

You're always going to be tearing away at yourself until you come to terms with what you are. Until you come full circle.

I know what I am and who I am.
I'm just not sure how to apply it,
or if I should apply it at all, if it only benefits me.

So have I come to terms yet?

There is supposed to be a right decision, at least there ought to be one when I come full circle.