2014/12/16

2014年12月16日 "And die behind the wheel"

There it is again! I thought, looking over my shoulder. But I still saw nothing. The trilling was getting closer, sometimes it seemed to lag behind, but it always seemed to get closer in the end. The vibrations of the foreign sounding creature or person, I don't know what it was, echoed off the wide open streets. Well, there were a few other cars parked here or there. I froze in place. I was shaking.

Damn it, get in your car! I can't! I'm having an anxiety attack. The keys were in my pocket, and I was standing next to my car. I took a moment to get into the car, looking around for the source of that noise. It always seemed closer. I finally sighed, catching my breath while I seated myself. The doors were locked and the engine was on. I just needed to buckle up and put it in gear. But I couldn't stop shaking.

Under the seat was a bottle of single malt. I unscrewed it a took a swig. I almost coughed a little. My nerves were slowly getting off the edge. Did I lock the car-door? Yep, I said under my breath and took another swig. I turned on the radio, "Deacon Blues" was playing. I started to lean back taking the third or fifth swig.
There was a flash and glass breaking. It was the last thing I heard or remember.

2014/12/05

2014年12月05日 Call 911 AND DIE!!

I saw this video the other day and though, "Yeah that's pretty much it." Even though some of the videos have nothing to do with "call[ing] cops".



Or this...


2014/11/27

2014年11月26日Unexpected Nostalgic Phone Calls

I didn't know what to say, so I improvised. At least I thought I did when I said, 

"I don't think you should die. No. Uh-huh. I don't have control over you. And that's something I try to remind you. Uh-huh, well stop complaining. Alright. Okay. Yes I'm here for you! And you know, I want you to spend more time with yourself. Wait. Ok. Yeah, ok. You're not trying to figure out who you are yet, and it's painful. Yeah? What I want? Well, what I want you are afraid to do: and you are afraid of being alone."

When I hung up the phone I was alone, which wasn't entirely true. There was a bottle of unopened bourbon on my desk and a tumbler with ice. Not alone.


I heard a voice in my head as I took a long sip, 'You know... a part of me doesn't want you to have money for that reason. You drink too much when you can afford it.' I looked outside, it was cold. When I saw my reflection in the glass, I thought one thing: for now.

2014/10/31

Ingram story IFF: You're not going to come down with anything

That's what the Doctor said before he left the room. I watched him fiddle with a pen for a short moment. Glancing up at me with his eyes he asked, "Do you have any loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable, or any sadness or depressed mood, most of the day or almost every day?" I am now.
"Not since I was married." My teeth were visible as I smirked at him. If he'd been a woman I would have said only every 27 days or so. I mused to myself. He looked down at his paper,made a few check marks, and without glancing up he continued.
"Outside of your bruising, including your ribs, and a few cuts, I can't say your weakened state will contribute to a fever. Avoid the cold and get as much rest as you need. Try to avoid alcohol too." He moved his paper over to his clipboard, then motioned it towards me with fixed eyes, "Give this to my receptionist and she'll help you with the rest. Feel better Mr. Ingram."
With clipboard in my hand and a "Thanks Doc." I slide off the examining table and grabbed my coat left on the free standing coat hanger. It was still cold enough outside to merit such a jacket. The weather around this time of year couldn't be fully trusted, and soon winter would officially start in a month or two.
Everything other than the doctor, including the visit was mostly enjoyable. I did my best not to undress the receptionist with my eyes as he took the clipboard from me. Those have to be double D's for sure. She had dangerous smile and I could tell she could handle those guns-- cannons with ease. 
She must have caught my glance or my raised eyebrows because she made sinful blush looking up at me as I stood leaning over the counter. I'm only human, at least according to the doctor.
Turning towards the exit I couldn't help but wonder about the receptionist. No ring, and a lot of cleavage. It's best to stay away from fast women like that, so I've heard. But maybe she's not so fast? I started to wonder if the doctor hired her for "cheering up" his patients before and after a visit, rather than just for her skills. She seemed to have everything figured out, and didn't seem dumb by any means. Though having those assets didn't hurt when you applied for the job.
Back outside I could see Mose still in the car, he had reversed into his spot so he could pay attention to entrance of the office. He always did things like this, regardless of whether or not he could park somewhere convenient, obvious or not, he always tried to have a spot that guaranteed two things: line of sight for the entrance and mobility of getting the rig in gear and getting the hell out.
He still sticks out like a sore thumb. Or a man shuffling to his car with broken ribs. I thought as a sharp pain reminded me as I reached for the passenger door. The radio was still on and Mose was turning off the volume as I settled myself down onto the seat.
With the door now closed, and Mose's eyes wanting to know what's next or what the doctor said, just said one thing, "Broadway Saloon". Mose grimaced putting the car in drive. Pulling away he said nothing, but as he reached to turn up the music, I could only hear a dull hum of the wind from my open window. Leaning my head against the a seat I just remember closing my eyes and trying to relax.

2014/09/26

2014年9月26日 When you die - Jon Hill

My cousin was found dead recently in the hills and forests outside of his hometown in Hillsboro.

He left on a Saturday for a hunting trip for only the day. He was also diabetic. But he got lost. 

The Army National Guard deployed a helicopter. Cousins, friends, and the Search and Rescue teams were on hand looking for him. One of his "friends" allegedly found him near a tree by a creek. 

That's when he knew he was dead. It's not clear if it was one of our family members out there with searchers looking for him or if it was truly a friend beyond the limitations of blood.

I thought Jon was a good guy. He was one of 10 cousins, with him being the eldest. He was fair and affable. He loved football, He loved Jim Beam, if I can recall correctly. He also asked me about my dad even though he hasn't seen my dad in probably 20 years. He was a fair man and when he spoke ill of someone he kept the comments mostly confirmed to himself and without vitriol.

At 37 years old with two kids, a wife he'd been married to for 13 years, and cousins who thought of him fondly, 

I wonder what we'll do. He'd want us to push on, or so I've heard.


But I still wonder.


I haven't cried yet. 
I'm not going to the funeral. 
I'm not doing anything. 
I'm not can't console anyone.

And contrary to what my aunt suggested, I'm not going to drink to honor the memory of Jon, I haven't had anything for a month. Two months prior I hadn't drank anything for a 110 days.

I just going to sit back and wonder,.. If it's something else?
I think I have an answer, or maybe even the answer.

I miss Jon already.

Via the News:
http://www.kptv.com/story/26593230/search-under-way-for-hunter-missing-in-columbia-county
VERNONIA, OR (KPTV) -

The body of missing hunter Jon Hill of Hillsboro has been found. The Columbia County Sheriffs Office says a family friend assisting in the search made the sad discovery just after 5 p.m. Tuesday.
The body of Hill was found more than a mile from where deputies had previously found his pickup truck on Sunday afternoon.

Search-and-rescue crews from several counties had been searching for more than 50 hours for Hill.

Deputies said Hill went bow-hunting Saturday and never returned home Saturday night, as he had planned.
Hill's family members told deputies they spoke with Hill by phone Saturday night and again Sunday morning. They said he sounded disoriented. Family members also revealed that he had diabetes, but it's unknown if that contributed to his death.
Undersheriff Andy Moyer said in a statement: "Our hearts go out to the family and friends of Mr. Hill. We are glad he was found, although we are saddened by the fact he was not found alive."
Copyright 2014 KPTV-KPDX Broadcasting Corporation. All rights reserved.

http://www.katu.com/news/local/Missing-Hillsboro-hunter-found-dead-in-the-woods-by-family-friend-276961941.html
COLUMBIA COUNTY, Ore. – A hunter who had been missing since Saturday in Columbia County was found dead Tuesday night, the sheriff’s office said.
Hillsboro’s Jon Hill, 37, was found by a family friend who was helping with the search.
"Our hearts go out to the family and friends of Mr. Hill," said Columbia County 
undersheriff Andy Moyer said. "We are glad he was found, although we are saddened by the fact that he was not found alive." 
Hill was bow-hunting in the area ofNorth Fork Wolf Creek Rd. and Highway 26. He called his family with his cellphone twice Sunday morning, at 7 a.m. and again at 9:30 a.m. 
His family said he sounded confused and disoriented during the second call. 
His body was found off Highway 26 and Timber Rd., in what deputies described as rugged terrain.


http://www.kgw.com/story/news/local/2014/09/21/search-for-missing-hiker-under-way-near-vernonia/16018589/ 
VERNONIA, Ore. -- The third day of searching for a missing bow hunter ended Tuesday afternoon when his body was found by a family friend who was helping to search. 
The bow hunter was identified Monday morning as 37-year-old Jon Hill, of Hillsboro, according to the Washington County Sheriff's Office. 
His body was located around 5 p.m., more than a mile from where his truck was found Sunday afternoon. 
Dozens of people were involved in the search and posted fliers in the area. A National Guard helicopter also joined in the search. 
Hill went on a day hunt Saturday and called his family about 7 a.m. Sunday to report that he was lost, the sheriff's office said. 
Hill phoned again about 9:30 a.m. Searchers later tried to ping his cell phone but could not get through. His pickup was found during the search Sunday. 
Hill's family said he sounded disoriented when he called them. They were worried he may have suffered a medical problem. 
Searchers were focused on an area southwest of Vernonia, off of Timber Road. Making the search more difficult was the steep terrain and scrub left from prior logging. 
The man also was likely dressed in camouflaged clothing, officials said. 
Hill reportedly had some food and water when he set out for his trip, but only enough for one day.

2014/09/19

2014年09月19日 Not so dramatic turn of events

The work week has been hell. From 40 hours to 60, with little time to do laundry, let alone catch up on thoughts. I asked for a distraction, and I sure am I getting it.


I don't mind the busyness of my life, but I do mind that sometimes it feels more like a distraction. The money helps. It'll pay for things that I'm working on, but sometimes I wonder if I could just have a brief break to reflect on the last year, the year before, and beyond.

Sometimes I wonder about my journal too, but then again that was three years ago.

2014/08/29

2014年08月29日 IFF: Rick Ingram continues

Over the radio a pleasant and soft speaking man, probably with a mustache, said: 
"That was Al Jarreau's, I Will Be Here For You, following up from After All, and Teach Me Tonight, concluding this part of our smooth-grooved block-party weekend.  
We'll follow him up with some Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes, with Teddy Pendergrass on vocals. I'm Mark Redd and you're listening KXZP, this is Wake Up Everybody"
Mose reached over to turn down the speakers. I glanced over at him making a face, don't even try it. My face must have been a little more than I wanted to be, since his eyes tightened at me. I shrugged at looked back at the house across the street. It was still warm outside. That's no problem either way. I was told that it might rain tonight, even a light sprinkle. 
Good. Extra cover is always welcomed. 
But this was a doubled-edged sword, because while we'd be covered so would everyone else.
I tried not to think much. Beyond what I should have been doing, I found my mind wandering. A solution to this was on the floor, behind front-passenger's seat. There were still a few beers left, and two energy-drinks -- those were Mose's. The music wasn't loud enough to muffle the sound of the stay-tab from my second or third can of beer.
"Rick, do you think that's a good idea?"
"Where you come off telling me how to do this kind of stuff?" After putting down a third of the beer in one hard sip.
"Why don't you have one yourself? To take the edge off." I continued wiping off excess beer that I had missed, stopping it from running down to my chin.
Mose shrugged and reached behind him for one of the beers. He opened it and took a sip that wouldn't even quench a small bird's thirst. He rested the beer in his lap and gazed back the house, as if he was thinking of something else other than the assignment. His open right hand resting on the left which held his beer looked tense. Watching him was less dramatic and more depressing. He didn't even realize I was staring at him. He's probably moon-bound at this rate. His face went from one of concentration to a somber reflection of yesterday.
It's probably the music. I mused.
"Do you think he's in there?" Mose asked as if he was talking to himself.
"I don't know." Then I took another sip. For Christ's-sake we're going to need more beer. I couldn't focus too much on the assignment either. The music was killing me in its own way, and I didn't like to do back-to-back high risk assignments on short notice.
"Let's get out of here," I said turning on the car lights first then the engine. "We've got better things to do." I signaled, looked in the mirror, and behind my shoulder wondering in case I missed something, and pulled onto the road. Where are we going to go from here? I had a few places in mind, but everything seemed equally boring.
"Rick what's going on?" Mose apparently woke up from his semi-trance.
"We're going to get something to eat and talk. And enough of this music." I quickly switched over to a pre-set pop station to lighten the mood, where surprisingly Al Jarreau was playing. "Goddamn 3 time Grammy winner, in three separate categories."
"There's just no escape!" Mose blurted as he theatrically raised his arms beer in hand.
"There's always an escape." I said, as I signaled towards the freeway on ramp. Out of the corner of my right eye I saw Mose's playful face from a few seconds ago turn grim. He looked away from he out the window.
There's always an escape.
Traffic was light and what normally would take thirty minutes on the highway, took us twenty minutes. Mose had finished his beer by then, and I was working on an extra. I parked the rig along the curb, across the street from the only known and working pay-phone in the city.
My car blended in the way it should: a white Subaru 2005 Impreza. The only difference was that this car wasn't in my name or on the insurance. It made things a lot easier for what I did for a living. No, I didn't steal the car, but an ex-girlfriend here and there sure did help with borrowed transportation. Clean transportation.
I learned right away when I was still carrying a badge that using other people's car could change things up dramatically, so would a wardrobe, and not shaving for a few days. But the thing that I missed was camaraderie. It helped to learn and use as much as I could out here because what I did was significantly more dangerous, because out here I had to be extra careful. No cavalry is going to come and save me. Hell, if I make a mistake, they might be running me down. The clients I get don't ask me to do anything illegal, save for the Nest, but producing the results they want may require some questionable tactics. Out here with no badge, no blues, though I still kept the suit, I'm alone. Save for Mose, I'm alone. No that's not true, I've got others like Pe
"What are we doing here?" I could see Mose was getting irritable wondering why we were stopped but doing nothing
"I'm going to make a phone call, I've got someone to talk to. AND DON'T DRINK ALL THE BEER."
          "I didn't know we had any left." He said smiling at me.

2014/08/28

2014年08月28日 Jealous enough to liquor

Probably one of the more terrifying things a man can experience is jealously. 

This jealously is never healthy for people who are fanatics like myself. My tendencies evolve jealously into problematic and destructive things. For some jealousy is healthy for a relationship, but for me it isn't.

Case number 03189:


I walk into a bar with a friend - he's gay, so what? - and I run into a woman that I have been attracted to over the last year or longer. She's a warm person, if that warmth happened to be in a sauna located in the arctic circle. A complicated woman with many layers. We met online, talked on the phone and went on a few dates, but I don't think she likes younger men (I'm 28 and she's 37). Nothing happened, but we've kept in contact sporadically.



Anyhow, she spots me and waves me over to hug her, which is something I've never done before with her.

"Nice to see you again, but I'm here to get drunk. You look a little busy, so nice seeing you!" 


I said. And that was that. 

There were Wild Turkey shots waiting for me in the lounge area, and not the bar/restaurant area where she was sitting in a red-dress. No I wasn't going to lollygag around waiting to get booze and losing my buzz in the process, even briefly. 

No. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Invited Transgender Species* I was there to drink and hang out. So for me, mission accomplished. Okay, and maybe get laid at some point too, but that's a different story.

So a week passes by and I catch the red-dress woman online, where she brought up my friend. She said that when she hugged me, my guy friend looked jealous as hell.

And her message was expounded with,
"I could feel it, he was not very happy about my existence there." 
I agreed, but at that time when she saw him in the bar I was preoccupied with getting drunk (though I didn't). I was even startled to see her there, since I had strong feelings for her, yet I knew of an answer that could quickly change these feelings.

The Wild Turkey drenched jealously away, at least for me though I didn't seem to have any. If anything seeing her smile at me was like a reminder of wearing a Scarlet Letter, except mine would have been an "S" for spurned. 


You can smell Wild Turkey once the smokey flavors get within a few inches of your nose. Soon after pressing the shot glass to your lips, you begin to start closing your eyes. The glass bottom tipped up towards the ceiling, and then dropping the solution down into your mouth. Like most medicine it tastes like shit, at first; but when the taste-buds adjust, the feeling is different. A few times in my life I had adjusted my feelings to the taste, and while that was a long time ago I at least wrote significantly more.

Not a quitter

Like the jealously of my gay-friend, the feeling did adjust, once he finished his shot sipping it slowly.

I paid, feeling cocky I left 30 percent tip. We left through the lounge entrance and walked around downtown towards the water. Once there we found more places to drink. He invited me to a gay bar. I don't care: they usually have cheaper drinks.


There I drowned out my feelings, be them jealous or not.
I was jealous enough to liquor out of my life, until I woke up the next day.

*To quote Lieutenant Commander Data

2014/01/05

4 PM IN THE MORNING


(IIF: Ingram Story)

Mose came into my office at about 4 pm. He sat down across from me. This time he remembered to remove my tie from the chair. Lately I haven't given a damn about much, but his consideration looking for and navigating his ass from crushing my belongings seemed like I should. I should give a damn. I didn't, even though I wanted to try.

It was hard for me to take his gesture at face value. He cared enough for me, or what he thought of me. What did he think of me? And yet, how could he know that I could care less at that moment. It didn't matter, and so while I rubbed my eyes in what felt like the early morning, I told him to help himself to some coffee.



He is the only man I've ever known that will consistently drink stale or cold coffee if offered to by a superior, unless he's on business. Fortunately for me I get the best of both worlds, not only am I his friend but his superior; moreover, when he drinks the stale stuff, I have an excuse to make new coffee. Either way it's a win-win, as a second cup for him means washing out the horrible taste of the first.


"What's on the agenda?" I asked him as I buttoned up my shirt.


"We'll Rick, here's your mail." He said placing it somewhere on the desk that wasn't cluttered.

"And?" His long drawn out pauses, while deliberate we both knew, were getting on my nerves. And we both knew that as well.


"Cosgrave."

Well shit. I rubbed the back my head and looked down at him. 

"What does he want?" That was about all I cared to muster with Cosgrave's name being the topic.

"He wants to meet you. He says he's got intel on Hirsch-Landers, and it's something else too."

My eyebrows raised and Mose caught the hint, continuing on:

"He knows you were able to get information from the records department, and he also knows I've ran a few of the names on the list."



"How the fuck does he know that?"

"I'm being followed, and someone bugged my room." I made a face at him. "No-no, I didn't remove any of them, but I found them alright. What else? The that fact I was followed here too! I'm sure he knows that I know I'm being followed, but Christ. Why would this happen? Then he calls a meeting?" Mose seemed to be as confused as he was ashamed.

"Forget the coffee." I said, gesturing him to stand. "Hand me my tie." We're going out. 

Mose picked up on this and picked up two pieces of mail from the desk.



"I think you should look at these first. The address looks odd."

One said, "PANNETTA" from sender. Hand written on the opposite side was "URGENT" twice underlined. Half way to the door, I stopped, walking back behind my desk. I opened a drawer and found my war trophy Walther P-38 that I had bought from a neighbor.

"You ready?"

Mose nodded a nervous "Yes" to me.

"Don't worry Mose. I don't expect anything to happen." At least to you. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. Not this earl-- Well, not before dinner time.