2019年3月27日 The Mid-day

There are times during the midday where I'm emotionally conflicted.

Times where I can imagine how dying would be enjoyable; however as far as I've read, brain scans show that there is still a high likelihood of pain during that kind of process. Regrettably, there seems to be no clean way about it.

2019年3月14日 THE RETURN: ABV #0002

I can't sleep and was looking at some drafts. I found something.

A long time ago -- actually a little under 7 years ago, see 2012年4月22日 ABV #0002 -- I said I would publish something I didn't. I suppose now is the time, since I've been keeping it waiting so long. 

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"Don't interrupt me"

When a female, I.E. "no dick" says,
"Don't interrupt me" or "Let me finish."
It's their way of saying, "I'm going to finish whatever I'm going to say, even though you interrupted me to say ask/say something, except I will never ever have respect for you ever again, because you interrupted me."
Some women are like that, few men are like that too, but I also believe it's because those men also have no dicks. Yes, women are like that, because women hate people. Women who say they love people, are just saying, we all can hold hands.
And I assure you. Saying, "We all can get along" is like saying, "Obama and Ted Nugent can be gay lovers."
Yeah... Keep dreaming, I'll keep drinking.

I am a conversationalist. I like active debate. But sometimes, even at shul, instead of just interrupting a person outright to ask a question, I will often raise my hand to ask a question. When I raise my hand at shul to say something, sometimes people give me weird looks and others have said aloud,
"Just say what you have to say, otherwise no one will hear it!"
When not at shul I might even do the same, but in must cases, I won't because the target audience is not gauge-able.

When I'm told through some kind of debate that, "[I] have a choice" regarding anything I do in life and "We can't really judge other people for what they do."
Fuck yes, I'm going to interrupt a person.
A person told me "It's not right to judge other people by the way they live." and yet they get angry when I interrupt them in mid sentence. Why? Why are they angry? Because at that point they're hypocritical as far as I'm concerned. Actually given what they've said alone, they've made themselves hypocritical.

Sometimes an interruption is bad. But who is right when it's a he said she said thing? Or when it's you versus I? Certainly just because I'm writing this doesn't mean I'm right or wrong for that matter. At some point we have to agree that there is some kind of system in which we can govern ourselves. And sometimes I need to ask a question NOW. Or maybe sometimes there is too much information, and because of that the information needs to be assessed and dissected on the fly.

Okay-okay! Basically what happened was someone said something, and I needed to ask a question before they got to the conclusion. A conclusion which did not happen. Something they originally brought up, but only the general idea of something they brought up. In cases like this, I found that offering of some details at the beginning, and then concluding the original idea with no details to be puzzling. My prediction of their verbal train of thought, made me feel that it was entirely acceptable to make sure they stop at the train station of brief interjections. There it was to address or raise concern or alarm for safety purposes. Of course I'm talking metaphorically, or drunk, but who cares.

Basically they said X, and then judged me by Y. This is the the world we live in, but the thing that bothered me the most was the disgusting nature of reality:

people will constantly say X or Y, and then lie through their teeth saying Z or A.

It doesn't matter if they lie to me, it matters if they lie to themselves.
That's what bothers me. It didn't bother me that this woman said, "It's important that you have a choice and live your own life." 

No, what she really was saying was,

"Live your life anyway you want, but if it pisses me off, then it's not okay."

My take is this, "Live your life anyway you want, but you will disappoint me if you are my friend or put me in a position where I should respect(/disrespect) or care(/not care)." Apathy in this case doesn't work, because it disregards choice all together. Apathy basically is like saying "I live by moral nihilism."

I think that's why I was disappointed in her, and I knew no matter what I said or refrained to say she would never want to talk to me again, even though what we were talking about was shallow to begin with (politics and religion)*.

*If you disagree you're a fucking moron. People who are dating or seeing someone give a fuck about everything BUT politics and religion. When was the last time YOU went to shul, church, a temple, anything, with your gf/bf or spouse? When was the last time you argued over healthcare, politicians, and government with that person? Are you only agreeing because you hate to be with someone you disagree with? Are you like that with friends too? Do you not trust a friend because you've disagreed with them? I'm telling you from experience that some of my "friends" have refused to take my advice because I might not be the "authority" on X or Y issue, yet I find out months later or even years later that they are doing exactly what I suggested, because some figure of authority says that "X issue" is good or bad, which so happens to be in agreement with whatever I just fucking said a few months ago to a year ago!. W-owwww!

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Present day.

I realize now that nothing has really changed. People still fall into pitfalls. There were times where people in my life that didn't care or merely hated me, but on some issues they were correct about me or about ideas where I was in contention. There were however, people I've known or have known me, and both of us have expressed conflicting viewpoints-- only to have the other party dismiss them, strictly because we did not want to hear it from that person. Such is life, it is a struggle. It doesn't mean we have to like it or even tolerate it. 

When the wrong man is correct. When the person who is correct doesn't care. Or when the right person refuses to acknowledge being wrong. These ideas, at times, are difficult to come to terms. If someone disagrees with me on these issues, they have every right in my opinion and they should judge. To not judge or not ask for judgement, and then judge, is too much.

2019年03月11日 Phlegm

It is like an nocturnal emission, except it can happen during the day when you're wake.

2019年03月08日 IIF: You know it.

David Shen felt alone when he took out bottom drawer from his dresser out. The noise from the living-room TV masked the sounds he was making. In his bedroom, David looked down. Against the carpet was a blackish looking object. It was difficult to tell at first, but since he didn't often use the ceiling light - opting for high intensity and indirect lights such as lamps instead and knowing what he previously put - there no light was required. It was black rectangular block, a spring, and something that resembled a water pistol.

The three parts quickly assembled into his pistol. He walked over to his desk and found three loaded magazines. The first one went immediately into the Makarov pistol. He placed the pistol on the table. The second into his jeans watch pocket, although David didn't know that at the time, and always imagine it was for Zippos or loose change. The third magazine went into his left front jacket pocket. Afterwards, he put his old custom leather holster on and tightened his belt in position. The holster, although older, allowed him to carry his piece inside his waistband at a 3 and 4 o'clock position. He generally preferred that position since he liked to tuck his shirts into his pants, whether or not he was carrying. 

Chambering a round into the barrel was difficult in close proximity to his roommate, who was anti-gun and in the living room, but that wasn't the issue. The metal sliding forward always had a distinct sound, the same way a car slamming the breaks and skidding sounds. So, David did what was normal: he took a blanket from his desk chair and covered himself to mask the sound of loading his pistol and de-cocking it. When he holstered he was careful to look down to make sure no fabric would snag the trigger. No issues, he thought. 

There was a little bit of alcohol left in his tumbler. He drank it and looked at his phone. His flask was empty, or would be shortly, so he knew he was going to leave it. The message was clear:

im sorry
i cant do this
you probably hate me

David wondered if he really did hate her. She knew what he was going to do. He tried not to think about it, but it was unavoidable. If this were someone else, would they have gone all the way with me? He thought briefly of his war buddy who was happily married in Missouri. David never understood how the latter two items worked together, but he knew if Jeff wasn’t married, he’d be there with David. Jeff was good with D-9s and shotguns. Unfortunately for David, he knew that it was difficult to operate and utilize both at the sametime. He found his mind distracted and reoriented himself.

It wasn’t Lixue’s fault she couldn’t come, David thought. It was that the sacrifice itself was sufficient for itself. It wasn’t revenge at this point. She couldn’t understand that the purpose he had in life was to end another’s as well as his own. Looking down at his watch, he knew it was time. The man who raped his sister, subsequently killing her and her two boys had to go. Lixue knew that, and still loved David; however he knew the man she loved was over. Although he was kind of hoping her womanly ways would make his job easier. She's just a girlfriend. He tried to convince himself. Perhaps he knew her guarded nature protected her from being hurt by the man she loved. He tried not to think about it and quickly put on shoes to leave. 

When he left home he forgot earplugs, and realizing this he felt awful. He waived down a cab and got in.

“Bowery and 11th.”

“You want the meter?” said a foreign sounding voice.

“It doesn’t matter.” David said looking out at the people on the sidewalk.