2011年4月12日 Nice game of chess and rain

The down pour has been especially rough here, lately it's just another sign of spring.

It's funny how people complain about rain here, including me at times. We know it rains. We know it's gloom and doom, in terms of lack of actually feeling or seeing the sun. We know this, and yet we still complain. Whose fault really is it? We know that this is how it is here and yet we once again do nothing, other than remain in our situation and complain. Some of us are brave, stupid, or clever enough to know whether or not if this kind of living is healthy for us or not.

I have often wondered those things when I am looking at the rain or am caught within it. It's when I also see the angry, and devastated looks on people's faces. I wonder if they realize that this is where they want to be? Something let them stay, or something brought them here. Do they know they can leave anytime? Sure it's not easy - nothing worth doing usually is, but do they really understand that's how it is here? Do they really understand it's a choice to stay or to go? Do they understand that the rain has a flip-side to it? Do they believe that sunshine all day will cure them of this dark and gloomy weather we have periodically throughout the year? Do they sweat hard so they don't have tears to cry? Do they understand that the sun on their shoulders everyday could whither their skin, brain or soul? Do they? Do I? Yes. I believe I do. I believe.

If she doesn't like the rain, she
can always leave whenever she wants!

A girl in my class from California gripes about the rain often and how blah blah blah "In Oregon there isn't much to do..." blah blah blah. I always look at her like she suffers from mild-retardation, mainly because I have told her to leave if she doesn't like it. I shit you not, she said, "This is my third school." Which translates to, "I'm not moving anymore" or "My parents won't let me." As far as I'm aware of she's only been going to college for about a 1.5 years. I almost choked at the ridiculousness of her commentary. She'll never be happy or content with herself, and because of that she blames other things for not accommodating her. I almost wanted to ask her if she was excessively spoiled as a child, but I had a feeling I knew the answer to that already. It doesn't surprise me that we have never gotten along. But amazingly, I have no personal issues or complaints about her. I only have general issues with her behavior towards me, and those things are broad and sweeping ones.

My problem with the rain isn't only that I'm cold and miserable. I don't need rain for that. My problem is mainly with my knee, because the knee will do what it wants either in good weather and bad. Sometimes it's hard to overcome the physical pain when I can't even walk, sit, or ride in a car without a constant burning. But I digress somewhat.

Rain is here. Clouds are here. Sometimes we enjoy the rain because it reminds us of life. A lot of other people find the rain to be a depressant. Frankly speaking, if we don't like how things are, we with ourselves are personally accountable for the decisions to stay, go, or to look outside and trust that the rain may not come today. Everyday I wake up, I try to remind myself that I'm responsible for my life alone as I can't ask anyone else to seize command of my life with integrity, especially if I don't value my life as something that has integrity. If I have no integrity towards my own life, how can I genuinely believe that someone else will dictate mine with integrity?

So I get up, look outside, and assess my situation. At that point I realize I can't blame the weather, my neighbor, or his dog that shits on the lawn. - Actually, I can and do blame the neighbor dog for shitting on the lawn and his master, but that's another issue completely. - And if I find blame when I wake up, I can only blame myself because I have a choice to get up in the first place. I have the choice not to go to work, not to go to school, not to play a game without winners such as Tic-Tac-Toe. Which according to some writers is a "Strange game. [Where] [t]he only winning move is not to play [the game]."

So I woke up this morning looking at the weather, thinking of a phrase I heard yesterday,

"Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?" 

I didn't matter to me what the rain did, because I knew the weather and it knew itself. I chose not to believe that the rain was anything but rain, and it promised nothing other than that. It reminded me of playing chess with Fozzjnen. Yes, we played a game (chess) and yes there is only one winner. When the game is concluded and put away, I can still look across and see him standing there knowing he isn't a game. He isn't a piece for me to move around. Just like the rain here.