2012年4月19日 Yuck

I wake up some mornings without hope. Mainly because I feel obsolete or worse, expendable. When I feel that way I don't want to do shit, and I end up doing nothing. This feeling can last for several hours to several days. Sometimes the best thing for me to do is to get outside into the harsh, painful, and cold wet weather, instead of staying inside my warm and also very miserable cave strategically placed away from the world.

Rambo: To survive a war, you've got to become war.

Co-Bao: That why they pick you? Because you like to fight?

Rambo: I'm expendable.
Co-Bao: Expendable? What mean expendable?

Rambo: It's like, someone invites you to a party and you don't show up. Doesn't really matter.

Today I was in the cave of no hope and endless feelings of being expendable. I realized I had to get out, mainly because I had work. And also because a friend and her boyfriend wanted to meet up with me. We talked about life and work. Afterwards I took them to the store so they could make chicken for dinner or something. It was good to see them.

Afterwards my patriarch of education at the university reminded me of a quote I think I brought up with him, but somehow I forgot it, "'Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.' Mark Twain said that I think you were the one who told me that." I had a smirk on my face as he said that to me.

Fozzjnen told me to do something I'm "good at that also pays the bills." What bills? What are these bills? I mean outside of this or that, why does happiness need to be a huge income? Vacation? Why is happiness defined by clothes, technology, or land? Why do some of us feel unhappy when there is self-improvement?

Some of my best moments with friends or family has been some kind of conversation about life and just being able to exist with them sharing our worlds.

Why are people telling me more money means more options? 

What kind of options? 

Why do people work shit jobs, high-stress environments either at home or at work, only to have a few days out of 365 days to be or feel happy or hope for that matter? Why do those same people chose to have zero hope or happiness almost everyday, waiting for it to come when they can retire early? Wouldn't all that stress early on reduce their life expectancy? What's the point then working unhappily in a high stress environment or life for 15 to 20 years, only to die 10 years later from a heart attack (sources: 1, 2, 3, 4)?

Why aren't people realistically asking these questions when they have those things, and then reflecting on their whole life? 

Why do people still have these great things, sometimes abandoning relationships with their children? 

Why have those things only to have children that loathe them? 

Why even bother having children? 

Why does this happen? 

Why shouldn't we ask these questions?

I reminded myself that sometimes people define something by what exists. 

What about defining things through the absence of existence? Dark matter anyone?

I just can't quit, can I? 

I can't stop it. Actually I could, there are several bridges around here.

But I feel like I'd end up just talking about the choices of the bridge and how the bridge is actually a metaphor for something else. Probably mental masturbation.

Thoughts?