This morning I woke up in my dream and took a shower. When I woke up, I was in the shower only to realize I wasn't dreaming at all. I felt like I was bathing in the Sun's tears with the amount of heat on my body. It felt great, but when I reflected on the previous day I felt miserable.
I stood in the rain briefly. And in that rain I waited to collect my thoughts, but most of these left me as a fog of slightly-angrily forgotten expressions came to me. I had forgot about what I said! With such shame, I sat down and tried to pick up broken pieces of whatever myself that I had dropped. I had no reason to feel angry briefly, even for just 20 seconds. I felt like I was losing myself this way, and losing myself from others.
Sitting down in the shower I reflected more on that. I thought about how I prayed, and prayed and prayed. I never thought for a moment that I needed to pray for myself even briefly, just for a moment of clarity. I asked God to help me, so that when I stretch out my hand, claws as words or feelings do not cut those I am trying to help or those trying to help me.
I stood in the rain briefly. And in that rain I waited to collect my thoughts, but most of these left me as a fog of slightly-angrily forgotten expressions came to me. I had forgot about what I said! With such shame, I sat down and tried to pick up broken pieces of whatever myself that I had dropped. I had no reason to feel angry briefly, even for just 20 seconds. I felt like I was losing myself this way, and losing myself from others.
Sitting down in the shower I reflected more on that. I thought about how I prayed, and prayed and prayed. I never thought for a moment that I needed to pray for myself even briefly, just for a moment of clarity. I asked God to help me, so that when I stretch out my hand, claws as words or feelings do not cut those I am trying to help or those trying to help me.
I continued sitting in the shower miserably, until the water reached its zenith with heat. As I put on trousers, I continued to chew on these words and their ideas. I knew misery wasn't always necessary, and it wasn't always necessary to believe I had to deal with it on my own. So I smiled began humming the Major-General Song in my head. I could be okay, and I could be okay with being okay. I thought about rebirth, spiritually, and emotionally. And for a moment, I sat quietly in the car, within its own darkness, thinking about freedom. Then Alan Shepard's prayer, albeit a partial-misquote came into my mind,
"Dear God, please don't let me fuck up."
That's when I turned the key to the ignition of my being.
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