2011年11月8日 "The way you move is a mystery"

Before I went to bed last night I thought about how I felt inside regarding issues of the heart and spirit. Most of the rabbis I talk with all agree that either gentile or Jew everyone is entitled a relationship with God, in fact saying entitlement already is biased. But at present I can't explain how to rephrase this into a more specific and yet unrestricted word. How does this relate? Well, does one not need a heart and spirit to have a relationship with God?

I have to stop waking up at 4:30 am.

Anyhow, I was thinking about the heart and its issues. And they lingered well into today's morning. Once I said to someone that my heart is open, and yet there is no furniture inside. There weren't even doors! Later I realized over time that my heart had begun to deteriorate over time, since I didn't even have glass for the windows. Hurricanes of booze causing the most damage? No, that's like blaming a symptom for the disease. It was something else.

Eventually someone came inside to renovate. I worked with them on the renovations and secretly I wondered if they would stay, although my face appeared as if I was indifferent, though I wasn't.Wood and metal against the flesh of my heart. Yes, it was a painful process, and I suppose I was afraid of it all. It's hard to recognize yourself on the inside when you don't go there too often. But regardless of how shoddy it had been before, I still I knew the foundation of it regardless. The renovations eventually finished, and of course, I had and still have to do the general maintenance such as polishing the wood and whatnot. I guess what bothered me was that I felt like those involved in the renovations should- no, I supposed I wanted them to stay. Sure the renovations were over, as that's the destination for that journey. But some journeys don't really end do they?

I was reeling the dial for the sound, blasting the car onto the dark road. Massive thumping from the back. I wondered if the car actually accelerated because of the gas or if all I had to do was turn up the speakers. How these things move are a mystery. Sure, I know it's gas that moves the car after ignited, but what if I'm standing still inside? Which is going to move me more?

Then a new song came on the speakers, and I wondered if I should run over what was left of a squirrel. Both the car, squirrel, and I were being overlooked by monolithic-looking hospital on a hill. I think it was around 6:10am by the time I parked.