Sick bastard: "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence"

Reminiscing about life is something I like doing. The most unfortunate thing about reminiscing is when you physically have an opportunity to touch and feel the things you're reminiscing about: letters, songs, stuff, and so on.

For me I felt disgusted. Flanked, outnumbered, and overtaken. I read things which on the surface would feel old to Cro-Magnon man if he were still roaming free. It was like a time-machine. I was taken back so quickly, that for a moment the feelings were foreign until I realized they were my own. 

At least they were at some point in my life. 

Like a war vet who embodied "War is hell." I'd rather not talk about the war anymore. 

But it ate at me. It did.

On the bonnie, bonnie banks o' Loch Lomon'.

I can't go to a place that doesn't exist.
Or do those places go to people that don't exist?
I'm not a better or worse person.
Maybe I am?
Maybe I am.

I suppose I should be happy about it, considering I learned something from the situations over the last 10 years. I did not expect to be where I was, when I was there.

I learned how to be good, bad, a dream protector - and killer, - and I learned.
It was expensive. Sometimes too expensive.
Now years later, I wonder if it all should burn away.
If the price tag of remembering something requires such a high upkeep,
shouldn't it be destroyed, lest it destroy the keepers?

I don't know, but I let everyone down.
A let down, but not the first.

And you let me down.

Was it yours?

I wonder if had we been at the top of our game--
No. Not at all. Otherwise, this would have been much messier, interesting, or uneventful.

Back in the cockpit, I wonder.
I wonder. And wonder.
I go up.
I come back.
I talk with ground crew.
We make some modifications.
And we go right back out into the sky.
Nothings changed, or rather, not much has changed.
Little damage here, little damage there.
The vehicles change, but only when
the pilots are replaced
do we really notice a difference.

How in the world can we ever smile again?

Ground crew can't fix the pilot.
I stopped carrying a parachute since those days.
I'm sorry Mister Lawrence, I don't believe in Christmas.

I don't believe in miracles I don't believe in forgiving I don't believe in I can go on I won't remember why

Somehow, I still have a smile on my face.
Up Up and Away!

Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon
Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon
We could float among the stars together, you and I
For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world's a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
It wears a nicer face in my beautiful balloon
We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky
For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
Suspended under a twilight canopy
We'll search the clouds for a star to guide us
If by some chance you find yourself loving me
We'll find a cloud to hide us
We'll keep the moon beside us
Love is waiting there in my beautiful balloon
Way up in the air in my beautiful balloon
If you'll hold my hand we'll chase your dream across the sky
For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
Balloon...
Up, up, and away.....