2012年5月13日 Around the corner

I was talking to a guy after morning prayers at shul. We had a bagel, and he offered me a pint of beer after our bagels were done. Now mind you, it's 10am in the morning and I'm offered beer. You have no idea how nice it is to relax in the morning 80 degree sun, with free beer and great company. At anytime in the morning on a day off it is wonderful to have a drink. It was even better that he was open to discussing a lot of things with me.

But the real issue of excitement and concern was when I asked him if he was a college student. He said he was a college drop out. He said, 

"You don't really know where life will take you." 

Seventeen years in the middle east, then ten years in Europe. Now he finds himself in Oregon, married, and enjoying where life is taking him. Of course America may or may not be the final destination, as at some-point he mentioned how he might want to immigrate to Israel.

I find myself a month away from graduation wondering what I may do. Just around the corner I could find work and/or try to work towards my goals withing the education realm. I'd much rather continue my opportunities to continue education, and I know it will be a struggle. Making money would certainly change things. It's very hard to go back to school after making money, because for one, I wouldn't really make money while going to graduate school and two I'd spending money to go to school.

Around the corner or not, I'm looking forward to graduating. I've got one ticket left for the ceremony, and I'm debating if it should go to my brother. My Grandmother, father, mother, Fozzjnen, and... Yet I haven't decided yet who will get the last. I'll figure something out. I'm not concerned, even though there is a degree of uncertainty. I'm doing exactly what I wanted from the get go, and I knew that my goals could take me here or there.

2012年5月12日 "To the pure, all things are pure"

University life, or life in general, can be a tedious but rewarding experience. What does it mean to learn? Is it possible to really learn something, yet ignore it completely as if we had never really learned at all? Yes, it is. Sometimes we say one thing, do one thing, hear one thing, have one thing happen to us, then we claim to have learned, but in reality nothing changed. Because if we really learned anything would we not mature from the pain? 

Should we gauge our happiness and success by comparing it with the past? I think we should constantly re-gauge ourselves, checking whether or not our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual instruments are working.

 

No one really knows for sure without overcoming a challenge. Sometimes there are two, three, even four or more challenges simultaneously. We have to decide which challenges are important to us and then go from there. Other times we can only pick one or none. Better pick the right challenge, or if one picks the wrong challenge, then one better not wait to correct it. The truth hates delays.

We can't totally live for tomorrow, yesterday, or today, since the days are interconnected. Ideally, we need to remember that as ourselves we should pick ourselves, then as ourselves we can go to God and God's teachings or commercialized holidays, greed, and self-idolatry. One can't learn without teaching. Can't teach without learning.

Teaching and learning in my case? In my case I have no choices on some issues, other than to find a way to advance or make one. Unfortunately and fortunately for me, my path doesn't go backwards only onward. A bridge breaking behind as I advance. Yes, there are stops along the way, but it only ends when I die or give up. What was that which Horace was claimed to have said? Something like, 

"Aut insanit homo, aut versus facit "

(The Fellow is either mad or he is composing verses.)

I suppose that applies to me.
I remember once when I was somewhat pure, thinking that most things could be good and pure too. Now that I'm older, stupider, with fervor towards patient structures while expressing the same towards chaos, I find that nothing is at it seems. We sometimes wake up as sane people in an insane world. Somehow while things could be reversed, I believe not much would changed, except for the titles of things and tax-codes.

But it only matters if it matters. No matter, nor madder or matter in my bladder. The line between boring and pure excitement is whether or not there is a rail for your safety.

2012年5月10日 Applications of the basics

“There are no advanced techniques, only advanced applications of the basics.”

It's a shame that even I forget that sometimes. I forget that evolution sometimes is just an advanced application on the present and basic form. I forget. Only to remember when it matters most or when it is too late to change anything.

Sometimes when something is late it doesn't really matter when it happens. We just assume it's late because new information was brought forth, when in reality the truth sometimes is never subject to the limitations of time. In fact truth itself can dictate time. So when we learn something and think it's too late, it's never too late.

I keep wondering about things, I keep smiling, but I also keep thinking. As I said to someone in an email recently,

I'm sure it gives you a lot of time to think about the concept of "home", "community", and "friendship". I certainly thought about these things often while I was in Japan for a year. Even though I was studying, I was your age [...] at the time. This meant that I had a different outlook on life since I didn't immediately go to college when I was 18 (I started when I was 19-20). Nor did I "fit" in the crowd of people who graduated HS, and immediately went to college without work/life experience and personal responsibilities.

My thoughts never end.

Nor do I want them to end.

(By Helen Lundeberg, in 1934)

My road has been one with lot's of vegetation, difficult terrain, depression, cold nights and mornings, long dark night's of my soul, escapism vs stay, and so on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but I certainly would feel a higher degree of camaraderie and jubilation knowing I'm with a companion on the trail. 

No trail worth blazing should be blazed alone, 

outside of the one to meeting ourselves.

Tonight is for our future pioneers.

2012年5月9日 "The only way..."

"The only way you'll really know if you can lift 500 lbs is if you're willing to fail."  - Arnold Schwarzenegger

He's right when he talks about the people who are afraid of failure will never grow, expounding on the issue further. Source here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvOUVil7W5s

I like Arnold, but for some reasons or another I look at as disappointing. Why? Because his advice is for an individual who is solely interested in being an individual. No surprise though, as I have never seen a self-help book that says, "How to help yourself and continue living an wonderful life with everyone else involved in your life." Self-help books are called self-help for a reason. If it goes beyond the self, it usually gets into the religious realm. The Torah is a good start.

No one has the right answer for another individual, outside of those who want to go "Even higher" (see Brainstorm). I suppose at this moment in time I reflect on life as if I were Faust himself. Kamelot's Abandoned is a great example of frustration and how one deals with it, or rather how one may be unable to cope with dealing with frustration.

Fun nonetheless. We want to do X, it has a price tag. How far are we willing to go?

Or as Arnold says indirectly "Are you willing to fail (several times even)?"

I suppose anyone who is my friend and/or if I am their friend, understands this concept beyond the intellectualization of it. Tonight we dine on our souls.

***

Today she told me three things she wanted to do in life.

2012年5月8日 IIF: "Leave the cold outside"

"Please don't let it rain. Don't stumble on my pride." The lyrics were the only thing left that I could remember from the evening. Mose motioned to the driver, either money or something. I didn't care nor wait.

My eyes were heavy and blurry. I was still tired, and yet knowing I needed to be awake, my body could have cared less. I'd been awake for 16 hours, running on semi-empty. And no, I didn't just wake up. Yawning felt like it could have have sucked me into a deep sleep every time my jaw even made the motion to yawn.

In my office the desk seemed to warp before my eyes as if it were a distant mirage. It's grotesque dance only stimulated a brief smirk on my face. I don't think I could have done any other facial expressions without a biblical flood of negative emotions pouring down on my soul.

A warm burning sensation, neither pleasant or unpleasant crept up from my wrists and thighs up to my torso. I heard Mose behind me, but it didn't matter to me none. I think he was worse off. I took off my tie and threw it at the top of the file cabinet. It fell in the garbage bin.

"Rick I-uh, I'ma gonna go, unless you need anything." His speech slurred worse than a retard's.

"Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea. I think you've had enough for tonight."

He nodded as if he were actually retarded, then retreated from the office quietly closing the door locking it. I crept over to the desk, lording over some leftover alcohol that while covered, still lingered from the previous night. I'm sure it's still good. I told myself. Isn't alcohol an antiseptic?

Looking outside into the night I saw my reflection. You're still good. Damaged goods, refurbished, limited edition, working prototype, drinkin', hard-boiled... No that last part isn't totally true. As far as I'm concerned there are only three or four hard-boiled guys left alive. And I ain't one of them. Slouching at the desk chair I smiled at my reflection. Yeah maybe you're those things. Who knows?

"Still good." Who knows? Who the fuck cares outside of Arturo or Mose? No one else matters. You know you're like beer. I griped at myself. You're not like wine, you don't age. You ferment. Sitting on my chair I stared briefly outside then at the ceiling.

"Yes I do." I whispered to myself, reaching over to flick on the turntable.

2012年5月7日 I still DGAF

This morning I was browsing around the internet after looking at an old post I made. Browsing the internet after looking at older stuff on the internet is kind of like going to a mall. Somehow you saw something you didn't intend to see (such as a new website), but you're going to look at it and stare anyhow. Well, the thing I discovered was In Over Your Head's, Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

Here: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

I am happy I found that, especially after rereading something I posted awhile ago. Even though I think it's incomplete for not referring to Fight Club.

But just bullshitting about finding stuff on the internet isn't why I'm posting.

I personally don't give a fuck about people who are not my friend and have no power over me than what I gave to them in the first place. 

Go ahead, suck life from yourself.
You still wouldn't give a fuck.

One of my favorite sayings to my friends or associates regarding people they don't like is that, "They don't live with you, so who gives a fuck?" Honestly one should always be concerned with who one lives with. Why? Because why should you live with someone who sucks life from you? Or why should anyone live with you if you suck the life from them? Why should you live with yourself, in your current capacity, if you suck life from yourself?

These problems err... questions, pop up from my life and its uncertainty, and sometimes certainty. I would honestly say one of the biggest fears most, if not all people have, is uncertainty. Uncertainty scares the fuck outta us, when really most of us should or may want to consider learning not to give a fuck. 

Uncertainty also tells us to stay miserable instead of going out into the wilderness. I think that's also the reason I'm skeptical of women's intentions after I express that life is full of uncertainty. Usually this frightens them! But why?

Why does uncertainty frighten a person in a deep relationship? I suppose it's because some of us have a fear of the unknown, but to actually know something you have to advance into the unknown. A great example of this would be to conduct a voyage or getting being lost in the wilderness. Without actually being in the unknown you are unable to expand upon what is known. 

Of course in today's society we trick ourselves into believing we can learn the unknown from the safety of our desks or in classrooms. But let's not bullshit ourselves, as there is no substitute for experience. That's for sure.

I don't give a fuck about people who honestly are more concerned about whether or not I'm judging them. As soon as they realize I don't give a fuck, that's when I know I'm being judged harshly. So I end up giving less of a fuck. 

Even more so, I deal with people who honestly don't even want to invest time into anything other than themselves, so frankly speaking, concepts like "up front respect" is only more bullshit to me. My dad, when available, raised me to: 

1) Not give a fuck, unless you decide to, and 

2) Never respect anyone who doesn't earn it. (I underline anyone, because no fucking way I'm going to respect stuff above a person).

Anyone who demands respect from me, neither knows me nor cares about how I feel. Of course the same might be said of me. Once I told someone that I need to not only love them for a healthy relationship, I also need and want to have respect for them. I honestly have no healthy relationships when respect is "expected" of me. Expecting fairness I can understand, but EXPECTING respect is different. Of course, being a guest in one's house, etc., has its own "rules", but if you don't give fuck about those, why bother reading to the end of this paragraph?

Other times like when I meet uncertain people or people who say, "I want to do X, but I can't" I often dismiss their desires or fears immediately, because they've already decided to give up. So it's hard to actually give a fuck, which I almost don't. 

Most of them giving up without actually doing any investigation, or because they avoid fear potentially associated with uncertainty. These people do not like gambling, (recreational games), or competition unless they know they will win. At that point why even bother? The game or exercise itself loses value if the "win" is more important.

The best part about this, is while I'm just scratching the surface, I am so happy to know that I don't need to, have to, or really give a give a fuck about most challenges like that in my life. Uncertainty is a self-feeding demon, kind of like when I get excited off my own excitement. Perpetual. The downside is that uncertainty for the fearful is often a black-hole. Gaping open after two dudes simultaneously pull out thei... You should understand what I'm trying to say at this point.

No one like that lives with me, and my life has a wonderful degree of serenity, because not giving a fuck about uncertainty is the best choice I could make in my life. Uncertainty is another price tag for being alive.

My shift ends so now I have to go outside.

I am Jack's uncertainty

***

Outside was great, since I met up with a girl from shul to bullshit and assess the quality of life. She is close to my age, a year younger. I can tell while we get along we wouldn't get along in the dating sense. I'm sure she likes having someone else to talk with who isn't in their late 35's or old enough to be a father/mother, grandpa/grandma at shul or outside of it. 

I think we're it in terms of people who willingly go to shul around the 18 to 24 and 25 to 30 range. It's kind of sad I guess since more and more people are dying and less and less people even bother with being "Jewish". Eventually kids will celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas and assume God is like Santa. I guess today's American-Jews are giving less of a fuck. Honestly speaking, I still don't give a fuck what they think, I'm not going to make them do anything they don't want to, as they'll end up fucking it up anyway.

On a side note, they might end up fucking themselves up avoiding uncertainty, just like an alcoholic fears  facing the uncertainty of life without booze. Or a man afraid and uncertain of being alone with pain, yet stays in an abusive relationship.

Not giving a fuck is a way to deal with this, or letting go of everything that prevents us from being happy with ourselves without escaping. Sometimes not giving a fuck is a form of escape, or affirmation of taking a stand for oneself? Moral survival? Confronting the escape? Who knows?

No one said not giving a fuck would be easy.

2012年5月5日 Well, that's a wrap

Today concluded nicely. I still forget how fast time can fly. Of course considering the massive bat-mitzvah and its free booze might explain why. How the hell could I yield? Well, a simple, "No." would have worked, but even the rabbi got in on it. Sitting across from me, "I think I drank too much. My head feels kind of funny." he said, as I watched holding my 3rd glass of wine. I think I finished a whole bottle (about 18-20oz-ish 500-600ml) of the red that the caterer brought in. The salmon was good too.

I felt like singing an'a dancin'!