2018年10月06日 Nuke town

Some days are better than others. 

Most days are the same, except I learn more, 

even though that genuinely changes nothing. 

As I learn more about people, the reality is most people are experiencing the same things, at different times. I am learning to wonder if any of us truly "grow up", or if the idea of grown up is only a measurement for certain qualifiers. 

I have met people who have divorced each other within a year of marriage, others who have stayed together for more than 40 years, perhaps even closer to 50. All parties seemed well established in their lives. I met a woman and a man who met each other in their 40s, during that time, they divorced their spouses. 3 years later, they reconnected and married. Marriage is a good example of change; though, I cannot understand how success as a "grown up" genuinely sustains some or certain relationships. Society tends to show these things are related to one another. 

There were many nights in my life where there were people I was talking with and socializing. I now find myself spending more of my time with people who either I don't know, or don't particularly care about. It makes me wonder what friendship means. I don’t know if people are marriage, have friends, and have family because they know the other party. Perhaps familiarity, outside of knowledge has more value in society, but it doesn’t make much sense to me. 

**** 

I was going home the other day. I thought about yelling at strangers. I've never understood this concept of yelling at a stranger, or being angry at a stranger, unless they present an immediate physical or economic threat, etc. I've found myself easily excited towards anger or yelling about those I care about. I suppose it's because some people don't matter to me. Ideally this concept is represented by not wishing or choosing to go out of my way to be bothered by them, or willingly/unwillingly making an effort to bother them. 

I simply cannot understand certain ideas anymore, since so much is left unsaid and unwritten. Worse, I find the more I seek conversation regarding these ideas, I find resistance. 

The shame I’ve found or so it seems, prevents people from telling what they believe is the perceived truth, including my own.

2016年1月21日 As time passes

It has been awhile since I've last posted anything. So much for having Repugnant Thoughts Everyday. It's a good thing I changed it to "Everyday?" instead of "Everyday." The distinction matters, at least in my opinion, but then again whose opinion really matters beyond my own? I write one-sided articles for disembodied readers. It's not like I can see what your face looks like, or determine your level of understanding. Everything is just my thoughts alone and perception of others' thoughts. No, I really can't say for sure if my opinion matters more than another here. My opinion is the only one present, but that doesn't imply that my opinion is right or wrong or that is it the dominant opinion. It just is; therefore, I'll just get to it.

For awhile now I've been wondering about life. Obviously being away from blogging gives one time to do those things. Unfortunately sometimes I circle back to the darkest and most fucked up things on the internet. Efukt is one of those things.

www.efukt.com is basically the ogrish/live-leak of porn. But I'll let them explain themselves with their own words:

Adult humor for adults, Makers of Lulz. Shocking Humor, Porn bloopers, Porn Fails, Cam Whores, Amateur Porn and more.

No surprise in terms of what you'll see, such as the woman who can prolapse her vagina to reveal her cervix. I am not joking here folks. You can see it here HERE (NSFW).

Should I bother having kids?
After seeing that vid on efukt?

In any case, it should be noted that when I watch videos like this, I wonder if it's even necessary to reproduce. Certainly like kind of behavior is going to continue, but it makes me wonder.  

Whose daughter is that? Whose son (or daughter) is the cameraman? Why would people pay to watch this?! What happened in this woman's life where this is something she is willing not only to do, but to do it on camera?

When I ask these questions, and do not explore answers, I still come to the same conclusion: if this is the risk I run of being a parent - having kids like this - I might as well not ever have children, in spite of the fact that I would like them.

As I get older, not much wiser, and even more confused, I run the risk of never coming to any significant conclusions other than: I will pay taxes (one way or another), I will probably continue work/study and eventually stop, and I will die. The latter of which is probably the only real guarantee in life, at least as the present moment.

Beyond those things, I can't really the time I've spent away has been wasted from this blog. I can't at this time discuss anything that's going on in my life, so I'll just go over some of the less personal things that are happening.

Some of the stranger things that have happened to me over the recent years was being able to see Gary Numan, whom I've written about before here on this blog, but rarely tours these days.

Beyond that I got drunk with a neighbor, and in street on the way home from a bar we grappled in the street. I didn't realize my knee was hurting until I went to bed that night.

I guess that about sums up my life: What happened to a woman who needs to show off her prolapsing vagina, Gary Numan, and grappling.

"The shadow of your smile"

A teardrop kissed your lips and so did I
Now when I remember spring, all the joy that love can bring
I will be remembering the shadow of your smile

I need to stop drinking at work, once they said I could drink here, I started brooding often......

By the way, about what I told you today
As for being around the block,
I suppose my genuine remorse
comes from trusting someone
and not being patient. So
my blemish or mark of Cain is that
unknowable (unless there) regret.
So I feel tainted in that regard. My remorse
is not from people knowing, as I could hide it.
My remorse is that I compromised
my own morals for what I believed
was love, but a combination of that
and desperation plus lust. Certainly
as we read there are people who often are more
attracted by physicality than character.
My unfortunate mistake was the latter.
Had I not known this person
and spent a lot of time with her
it might not have happened.
I was, in my opinion a fool,
to think I could have avoided it.
I know better now, but at a high price.
They say the shallow heal quicker.
But like most QUALITY Americans
my brooding and analytical nature
won't shield me from such
quickly or over night.
Anyhow I wanted that
to be known first,
because when it comes to her,
I can't be unwise or foolish
about her attraction
or my own. Yet I am here
With letters of marque , and if I fail
I would be devastated
to have started a relationship.
I don't think any woman, especially young
should see such misery.

Suppose I give you a learnin'

NOTICE 

PERSONS attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR, Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

- Mark Twain

2015年02月13日 Undisputed Truth, Sometimes, Allegedly

She was sleek as hell. Her hair looked like black chrome. You know what I'm talking about: that crisp reflective nature of metal, once it has been polished a quarter of million times. Something like that, with midnight purple, though it always looks blue. Probably faux-highlights. I didn't care if they were real or not. I wanted to touch them. She had a fresh smell about her. A walk through the produce section after it has been sprayed, or an early morning gust of wind from the ocean. Something like that.

I liked it, but she had that sick look in her eyes. The kind of woman that can't go 20 minutes, let alone two weeks, without a hug or a kiss from a man. I wonder how many she's kissed this past week as she smiles at me. She's never been more alone than when she sleeps alone in her bed, or when she looks in the mirror and can't see a smile in those eyes. Seems to be a daily occurrence lately.

Her brief touch and go made me wonder about other women like her. Scratching my head I watching the rain out my window. It's common here. No, not the women like her. That's common everywhere, it's worse with men though. They don't know any better, they wander around like stray dogs looking for a master.

Time to get my dog to work. I stopped wondering about the previous days, picking up the phone. Mose is usually doing his Jew stuff around this time, so I might as well catch him before he plans out the rest of his day. A receptionist picked up, and told me she'd check to see if he was there. I hope my description was good enough. She told me that if he was there she'd make sure he'd head to work. Great. I thought.

"I couldn't see her face as she hugged me[.]"

I looked out the window, popping off the cap of another beer. What a great way to start my morning. Across the street there was a woman in a blue dress, and a I-carry-my-heart-on-my-should kind of sad look on her face. I could see her from my floor. Nothing hurt me more than seeing a beautiful woman look sad. Comely as she was, it bothered me more that a woman beautiful on the inside, could be consumed by her own self. My mind drifted and I thought about another woman. I couldn't see her face as she hugged me, nor could I remember it well. I wonder what her faced looked like then? I wonder what she does these days?

I'm getting nowhere here. I looked away from the Blue Dress, and pulled out the paper. Hai-Pharmacy was robbed last night. Nothing new there. The forecast seemed to be agreeable. I'd prefer the rain though. Slumping in my chair I started to wink heavily. I don't remember anything after my head slouched forward.

2015年02月12日 To By Pass a Regular System

It was so real that when I woke up. For the ninth time in the last nine weeks, I did not know anything beyond the dreams. Where I was, or who I was, were things I didn't know. The darkness of the room hid my identity from me. I shifted on my side. The bed feels familiar. I thought. But where is this? What year? The darkness lorded over the room, save for a dim light from underneath the door. It came back to me, and the dream seemed even more terrifying.

It took me too far from reality, or too far from the dream.

Waking up felt as real as the dream.

I wanted to go back to sleep.

But with my eyes open, hand reaching for the light-switch, I realized I soon would be.

2015年02月07日 The Wildlings

It's hard when a grown man tells you to stop. His face and those lines indicating age. It's supposed to mean something, except when he's talking about you, and you stopping everything.

It's supposed to mean something. The shaking that's uncontrollable when you think about something or someone. It's suppose to mean something. Hell, it's supposed to stop at some point. Isn't it? 

But when it doesn't a person wonders. What happens when you forget a song that you liked? Only to hear the lyrics later? The lyrics were there before you heard the song.

I don't know about mavericks or places. I'm neither. Nor am I'm anything less than what I am - simultaneously  with the thought of was and will be - therefore no Ace.

The shakes have subsided. Did they really? 

And then again, I wonder why someone said I should go back to writing

I wonder that I.