I was hanging out with Fozzjnen today and noticed something I hadn't seen before,
Yes, I know it's just a gourmet cookie, but still... It says, "cougar" for crying out loud. It might as well say, "MILF MOUNTAIN" at least then I wouldn't feel like a jackass if I bought it.
And if you don't [fucking] listen to Me [I'ma gunna bring the pain]!
This week's parshah was fun, albeit partially depressing at times. Actually, it was pretty fucking gloomy. No joke about that at all. But the best part was learning something interesting and new, such as grammar. And of course the part where God is laying out the Law. Seemingly much like a parent. Single, but still a parent.
After shul, I realized that I need and want more. I need more in terms of Judaism, and living a Jewish life. Of course, I also feel like I have to play catch-up, and I'm working hard on it. I just want to catch up to the point where I feel like not learning is the worst feeling I could have, outside of kidney stones, getting kicked in the balls, being jilted, loss of friends (people I love), or getting beat down by the police.
Solution? Ask for some kind of mentor.
I have too many questions, and I don't seem to get clear answers.
Including the location of the bathroom.
There were times in my life where I have been greedy. So much so that I actually thought I should be exempt from whatever I'm doing to other people. Most of the time (95%+) I'm not like that. If I see a guy making fun of someone, I make fun of him. Even if I know I will be made fun of back. That same fairness that use almost all the time doesn't matter if I break it, even once.
Basically what greed comes to is this,
"What does it really mean?"
"Where does it really come from?"
"Where will it take me?"
Of course not just limited to those questions, but one should always ask questions about their greed. Questions always need to be asked. While I'm not happy per-se, I am above total misery since even though I was greedy during parts of my life, I still was able to ask tough questions. Sometimes those tough questions you ask yourself while you're greedy will make you miserable and make you doubt whatever you are doing, and it should. Unless what you're doing already IS greedy and you're trying to escape the greed. If one tries to escape greed with less greed, it does nothing.
Just as one digs a hole, it must be filled back up. Digging a smaller hole to fill in with dirt from the big hole, changes nothing. It's kind a credit card to pay off another credit card. Without filling these holes back up, one's emotional landscape and life will only amount to huge mounds of dirt and filth. - Certainly I've felt that way before. - Emotionally this feeling is beyond the limitations of a six-letter word like "misery." Good movie though.
At some point greed may leave, but the feelings that soon come in might never go away. The pain, the shame, the guilt, and anguish that comes with greed, they'll stay for a long time until the dirt is put back in the hole and the grass is green again. Whether or not things can be okay between the greedy and another really depends on the parties involved. Sometimes nothing changes. If that's the case, then it's best to part ways.
I had that happen with a guy I knew for about 22-23 years. He'd more or less be super flaky with me, and every time I felt hurt by his greed. He only wanted to hang out when it was convenient, or basically when no one else was available. When he was bored of hanging out with me, even while I was still around he'd call other people and schedule things to do with them. In front of me! Sometimes he'd disappear for a minutes to several hours while chatting online with others while I'm visiting with him or something else.
Well, years went by and he joined the military and left. Recently he came into town and wanted to meet up. I arrived at the pub we were supposed to go drinking at 5 minutes earlier than the time he said. He wasn't there. I waited an hour. By then I was pretty much pissed off and how he could blow off leaving me in the lurch. I had one full-bodied 8.5+ ABV or 12+ beer, which wonderfully he paid for. I was still pretty irratated since he was trying to have me visit with him, yet he kept things extremely shallow and only wanted to drink a beer then leave. I felt like I was just a touristy spot on a map. One of those places that not even the locals bother to visit since it's just a place. But I'm not a goddamn place, I'm his fucking-friend! Or so I thought.
The effects of the alcohol started to settle. My filter was coming off, no surprise he had mentioned 20 minutes earlier I had no filter with humor. Wait till you see the things I say when I'm not being funny... I called him out on somethings and treated him like shit, like he had done with me. Not only to his face, but also in front of his woman friend - I don't even think they have anything more meaningful than that, - and one of his social buddies.
I made no excuses for myself in the process of doing what I did. He did it and I did it. We were cutting ties. It was interesting since I had watched him after years of telling me I'm "a good friend" and how much he "cares about [me]." Yet quickly he started saying callous things about how I'll "die a lonely miserable man." Thankfully only I get to decide that, or God, whichever comes first. I stopped letting him be greedy with me, and using me. And I stopped feeling miserable. Still, I was being greedy with myself within the way I got out of that situation. I could have taken him aside, I could have done the right thing. By then I was either working my way through the beer or too disappointed and frustrated to care.
All I know now is that I was probably greedy in trying to "get back" at him (verbally unloading), for something that he seemingly took for granted anyhow. I should have taken him aside when he came in and told him how I felt about the situation, and laid down the law. But I didn't. Hindsight is certainly worth it's weight in gold, porno, and lotion.
Yep.
It's important to do the opposite of greed once one realizes the danger of greed. A desire to become penitent is certainly the first step. In my case, instead of being greedy, I should make an effort exact myself through benevolence and generosity.
Alternatively I could do nothing, but then I would feel like the emotional forest I have towards my heart and soul would become listless and lifeless as dead trees litter the landscape. Walking on a path like that would be like walking through an endless cemetery. Large monoliths devoid of life. Only carrying the memory and images of things long gone and never passed on. Dead. Dead trees are like that. Greed is like that. Taking, taking, and taking. Eventually, there is no place to rest.
For a long time I have wanted to build a castle. Sometimes I've given up on that dream, but I still go back to that dream. Whether it's a small castle or Japanese yagura (castle keep) sized structure, I will make sure this dream becomes a reality or die trying.
Our own health, be it mental or emotional, is like a building. We can be grand, with kingly halls, wide with great open spaces, or a garage. The former while probably beautiful, might have nothing inside, whereas the garage may be filled with all kinds of exotic things. One honestly has to figure out how far one is willing to go for X or Y thing, stuff, feeling, emotion, experiences, and/or intelligence. But let's be honest, we know it's easy to manufacture a house (a life) quickly and cheaply.
Some people might say that manufactured houses are convenient and comfortable, which they are in a fleeting way. Kind of like swimming in a shallow pool: it will never offer the depth and richness of what the ocean offers. Of course the ocean also has it's own price-tag: it's fucking dangerous, has sharks, and hundreds of thousands of garbage, animal semen, real seamen, and annoying fucking tourists.
So, is a manufactured house for me?
No thanks.
For you?
I have no idea.
I'm hiring this guy for
the construction
When it comes to building oneself on the inside or building something on the outside, it's important, extremely important that one makes sure he or she is using the right tools, resources, and efficient labor. Yes, it might be expensive, but we're talking about one's own life. And life happens to be the home for one's character. With cheap and inexpensive products, while convenient and quickly accomplishing a structure still doesn't help a person in the long run, unless they have zero expectations. That means being happy or sad is trivial, but within that kind of mentality why would anyone choose to build THEIR home or dream in such a manner? Committing to a cause or an idea is not something anyone can do without expectations.
We've heard someone fantasizing before, in one form or another, but usually it sounds like this,
"I want to be an gold medal Olympian, but I don't want to work that hard (make those kind of sacrifices etc....)".
These kinds of people have already committed towards giving up. In fact just fantasizing about the gold medal and not even pursuing is worse than masturbation, - though with I see nothing wrong with real masturbation, so long as people admit to knowing that they're just fucking themselves, which is what masturbation is! But I'm starting to ramble a bit...
Where does this kind of mentality come from? I think it comes from examples like this one,
"Maybe I should give my seat up for that old person?"
I'm sure you've thought about something like that before, and then same voice - hopefully your own - commends you for being a good person for having that thought of kindness, even though you did absolutely nothing.
This kind of action is also done with people trying to lose weight, "I'm working on losing weight!" or "I'm going on a diet!" As soon as the dieter hears, "Good for you!" or "Keep it up!" they pretty much yield to the compliment as if they've really accomplished something, when in reality they've just opened their mouth, which may also explain how they became over-weight.
Another problem is that we - yes, I'm also included in we, - seem to ignore (or forget) that our individual needs. These needs often must be met by specific resources. Food in a sense is a more basic aspect of this concept. If you don't eat, your house (as your body) gets weak, shoddy, and very well may end up dilapidated. If you eat too much, or fill your house with useless things you take room away from nutrients you need and from people who love you.
So why don't we really take more time with ourselves? Looking for our own individual parts, looking for the correct laborers before we build ourselves up? For me I constantly have to add, subtract, multiply, divide, rebuild and look at and for new solutions. I almost never find myself completely content, and when I do it just seems like I'm ignoring reality. The latter of that is especially true for me when I'm happy in a relationship, I seem to ignore everything/something is wrong and/or could go wrong, because I'm high as the sky on rainbows and love. But we all know the "The Winner Loses" (see Body Count), especially if we're trying to be higher than the sky.
No one gets in for free.
No house worth spending the rest of one's life in should be built with shoddy craftsmanship, especially when we're our own foreman and laborer! No one gets to get in for free, as even we have our own price tags on and with ourselves. Even more so when the house is our soul.
No one gets in for free, as we can only make so many seats, beds, and rooms in our own "house." Hold tight, and never givin' up is one way. The wise will tell you too that it is never easy. If it were easy, you took short-cuts. Why would you want to take short cuts on materials when building your own house?
As for real modern castles, over the past 5 years I have been enjoying the construction details of Dupont Castle, as seen here http://www.dupontcastle.com/
Sometimes I wonder if we're so busy that we don't ever really get a chance to carve out a time to have a deeper understanding of ourselves. Yes, there are times where I feel like I'm "wasting" my time. But whenever I share time with another, watching a favorite T.V. program, or movie, lounging in the sun I don't. This really only applies when I'm with another.
I suppose because life is short, and we're often so busy with sleep our own lives and goals with work, we really never get to know other people in higher ways. In fact, if we sleep and work for about 16 hours a day, commute for about an hour and a half, shower and eat another hour or so. We really about 5-6 hours of time to know another person. Add personal time like going to the gym, miscellaneous hobbies and so own, and time becomes even less. Hell, our bosses and co-workers have more opportunities to know us than our friends.
There is a way to remedy this, which is to find similar minded people and talk, talk, talk, sharing yourself with them as they do the same. And never wanting to stop talking helps too. When Krimull and I lived together, we'd I'd talk talk talk yak endlessly until one of us fell asleep. Usually it was him first.
Over the past three days I have been thinking about small talk. What is small talk? What is the most important thing you could find out about a person within the context of small talk? Music has to be in the top 5. "Why?" you ask? Because it's important to acknowledge someone's tastes, as listening to music is often what one enjoys doing with oneself.
If I ask a person what they listen to in terms of music, what they share with me, as above, is what they enjoy when they are alone. So for me to bash on what they like to do when they are alone is like bashing who they are as a person and individual. This is why music for small talk is important, however one shouldn't bullshit another with idiotic things like, "That's cool" when really one may have wanted to say I can't enjoy much like that.
Nothing is more depressing than telling someone you listen to genre X or band Y and hearing from a them,
"That's cool."
Yet 10 minutes later in the car they say something like,
"Can we listen to something else?"
What the fuck?
My advice is exactly what I said it is. Be honest and up front about your dislikes and likes. Don't try to be anything you're not. That calm, caring, nice, agreeable person, be it you or anyone who claims to be, only works when you're lying to your family/relatives, co-workers/customers, one-night-stands, and people you would never want to live with anyway.
Saying you agree with, also enjoy, or giving any reinforcement towards a music genre or song a person says they enjoy, for which you secretly disagree with, is like making a broken promise up front. You are promising a compliment, which the listener could take with sincerity - as they ought to trust your word right? - and then secretly at the same moment you clearly disagree on the inside. You didn't break a promise, you made something that was already broken.
This is why asking about music is not only serious but also important. We shouldn't compromise who we are with ourselves when we're trying to share ourselves with others. What we listen to for ourselves is part of that. What's the purpose of getting to know someone? When all we do is either shoot down in secret who they are or doing it with ourselves with them? What a big fucking waste of time. Unless our objective is to take what we want a leave... But that's another repugnant thought for another day.
Here's how it may or should go down,
"I like N'sync."
"I can't listen to them, (because of x reason here...)
If someone has a problem with how you feel about X or Y band, artist, song, concerto, whatever, you can tell that person to "go play hide and go fuck yourself." No one should judge you for who you are with you, unless you're lying or destroying integrity. On a side note I've beat down integrity to the point where only shame and pain is left. So certainly learn from my experience if you can. But time and time again, I ramble...
We should use even more caution with anyone who says,
"I like all types of music."
Unless they're God or a non-human, I'd say that person is flat out lying. We all know that a friend to all is a friend to none.
I can honestly say that I my closest friends have shared music with me in the best way possible. My ex-GFs like music, but whatever they shared with me I couldn't always connect with after we were no longer dating. It was like I loved the songs because I was with them. Yet with my closer friends, we'd basically play "music tag".
One week it's,
"Dude listen to this!"
And then the next,
"Oh dude! Check this band out!"
"Feeling like shit? This song might make you feel better!"
Suggesting songs to those I care about and those back to me, and even now when we hear those songs we sometimes go back to emotions we've had when we first heard it and/or started loving it.
Yes, music is important.
In fact, music shouldn't be an escape, although at times it can be one. The issue where music and sharing one's music with another person becomes difficult is when someone reflects on why they enjoy X or Y band. But don't confuse difficult with problematic in this case.
I think ANY time one reflects on the music they enjoy there is a deeper understand of oneself, but when one avoids explanation, with phrases like, "Just because". It's almost like a person is afraid to create depth within their own being. It's their choice, but personally I genuinely don't like being around people who like things for the sake of liking them or without explanation.
Then again, I believe anyone who bothers sharing anything with me ought to explain oneself, including myself for choosing to listen to them!
Just a few examples, nowhere near the amount I'd like to share,
And one of my personal favorite top 5 songs ever, ends up as tie by the same artist,
