2015年01月23日 Better than ever

I used to believe people when they said things get worse. Then I heard what he had to say on the couch in front me, 

"Even if you do everything by the book or you do bad things, you're still fucked in the end. My grandpa would never hurt a fly, and he was fucked in the end too."

"It's not that bad."
"No it's worse, because you've got nothing at the end of the day. They just take it all."

"Sometimes you can take back."
"True, but usually you're still screwed." He quipped.

"Okay. Fair enough. So what are we going to do?"
"Let's go to that Italian place downtown."
"I don't like Italian."
"They have a bar."
I smiled, "Let me get my jacket"

Is-It-Fiction: "Wake Up Rick"

"Don't point the barrel at me." You'd think they'd teach these guys to know better.

I was in basic. Before the war they were strict on us. I remember the beatings, although at the time it was frowned upon. "Drop and give me twenty-five" Apparently the DI, knew what vaffanculo meant. It was the last time that lazy Italian prick would dare to speak Italian again. A shiner and a swollen lip tends to do that. I never liked that guy anyway.

"It's not loaded." He said bringing me away from my thoughts.

"I don't care. Carry on with your drill, just keep the barrel out of my face."

"Okay, so we sweep really slowly like this..." He started to slowly, as if he was slicing a pie using the front of the barrel as a knife,  

"And when I see the enemy I hit him with my flash light."

Why bother? I told myself. When we were fighting in the war we just shot through the walls about a quarter of the time. Usually the enemy knew we were coming either way.

"Sounds interesting." I said smugly.

I woke up when I heard someone knocking on my office door. The dream disappeared, and Jack died a few months after we had that conversation. I thought about him from time to time, and I haven't forgotten some of the things he said.

2014年12月16日 "And die behind the wheel"

There it is again! I thought, looking over my shoulder. But I still saw nothing. The trilling was getting closer, sometimes it seemed to lag behind, but it always seemed to get closer in the end. The vibrations of the foreign sounding creature or person, I don't know what it was, echoed off the wide open streets. Well, there were a few other cars parked here or there. I froze in place. I was shaking.

Damn it, get in your car! I can't! I'm having an anxiety attack. The keys were in my pocket, and I was standing next to my car. I took a moment to get into the car, looking around for the source of that noise. It always seemed closer. I finally sighed, catching my breath while I seated myself. The doors were locked and the engine was on. I just needed to buckle up and put it in gear. But I couldn't stop shaking.

Under the seat was a bottle of single malt. I unscrewed it a took a swig. I almost coughed a little. My nerves were slowly getting off the edge. Did I lock the car-door? Yep, I said under my breath and took another swig. I turned on the radio, "Deacon Blues" was playing. I started to lean back taking the third or fifth swig.
There was a flash and glass breaking. It was the last thing I heard or remember.

2014年12月05日 Call 911 AND DIE!!

I saw this video the other day and though, "Yeah that's pretty much it." Even though some of the videos have nothing to do with "call[ing] cops".

Or this...

2014年11月26日Unexpected Nostalgic Phone Calls

I didn't know what to say, so I improvised. At least I thought I did when I said, 

"I don't think you should die. No. Uh-huh. I don't have control over you. And that's something I try to remind you. Uh-huh, well stop complaining. Alright. Okay. Yes I'm here for you! And you know, I want you to spend more time with yourself. Wait. Ok. Yeah, ok. You're not trying to figure out who you are yet, and it's painful. Yeah? What I want? Well, what I want you are afraid to do: and you are afraid of being alone."

When I hung up the phone I was alone, which wasn't entirely true. There was a bottle of unopened bourbon on my desk and a tumbler with ice. Not alone.

I heard a voice in my head as I took a long sip, 'You know... a part of me doesn't want you to have money for that reason. You drink too much when you can afford it.' I looked outside, it was cold. When I saw my reflection in the glass, I thought one thing: for now.

Ingram story IFF: You're not going to come down with anything

That's what the Doctor said before he left the room. I watched him fiddle with a pen for a short moment. Glancing up at me with his eyes he asked, "Do you have any loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable, or any sadness or depressed mood, most of the day or almost every day?" I am now.

"Not since I was married." My teeth were visible as I smirked at him. If he'd been a woman I would have said only every 27 days or so. I mused to myself. He looked down at his paper,made a few check marks, and without glancing up he continued.

"Outside of your bruising, including your ribs, and a few cuts, I can't say your weakened state will contribute to a fever. Avoid the cold and get as much rest as you need. Try to avoid alcohol too." He moved his paper over to his clipboard, then motioned it towards me with fixed eyes, "Give this to my receptionist and she'll help you with the rest. Feel better Mr. Ingram."
With clipboard in my hand and a "Thanks Doc." I slide off the examining table and grabbed my coat left on the free standing coat hanger. It was still cold enough outside to merit such a jacket. The weather around this time of year couldn't be fully trusted, and soon winter would officially start in a month or two.
Everything other than the doctor, including the visit was mostly enjoyable. I did my best not to undress the receptionist with my eyes as he took the clipboard from me. Those have to be double D's for sure. She had dangerous smile and I could tell she could handle those guns-- cannons with ease. 
She must have caught my glance or my raised eyebrows because she made sinful blush looking up at me as I stood leaning over the counter. I'm only human, at least according to the doctor.
Turning towards the exit I couldn't help but wonder about the receptionist. No ring, and a lot of cleavage. It's best to stay away from fast women like that, so I've heard. But maybe she's not so fast? I started to wonder if the doctor hired her for "cheering up" his patients before and after a visit, rather than just for her skills. She seemed to have everything figured out, and didn't seem dumb by any means. Though having those assets didn't hurt when you applied for the job.
Back outside I could see Mose still in the car, he had reversed into his spot so he could pay attention to entrance of the office. He always did things like this, regardless of whether or not he could park somewhere convenient, obvious or not, he always tried to have a spot that guaranteed two things: line of sight for the entrance and mobility of getting the rig in gear and getting the hell out.
He still sticks out like a sore thumb. Or a man shuffling to his car with broken ribs. I thought as a sharp pain reminded me as I reached for the passenger door. The radio was still on and Mose was turning off the volume as I settled myself down onto the seat.
With the door now closed, and Mose's eyes wanting to know what's next or what the doctor said, just said one thing, "Broadway Saloon". Mose grimaced putting the car in drive. Pulling away he said nothing, but as he reached to turn up the music, I could only hear a dull hum of the wind from my open window. Leaning my head against the a seat I just remember closing my eyes and trying to relax.

２０１４年９月２６日 When you die - Jon Hill

My cousin was found dead recently in the hills and forests outside of his hometown in Hillsboro.

He left on a Saturday for a hunting trip for only the day. He was also diabetic. But he got lost. 

The Army National Guard deployed a helicopter. Cousins, friends, and the Search and Rescue teams were on hand looking for him. One of his "friends" allegedly found him near a tree by a creek. 

That's when he knew he was dead. It's not clear if it was one of our family members out there with searchers looking for him or if it was truly a friend beyond the limitations of blood.

I thought Jon was a good guy. He was one of 10 cousins, with him being the eldest. He was fair and affable. He loved football, He loved Jim Beam, if I can recall correctly. He also asked me about my dad even though he hasn't seen my dad in probably 20 years. He was a fair man and when he spoke ill of someone he kept the comments mostly confirmed to himself and without vitriol.

At 37 years old with two kids, a wife he'd been married to for 13 years, and cousins who thought of him fondly, 

I wonder what we'll do. He'd want us to push on, or so I've heard.

But I still wonder.

I haven't cried yet. 

I'm not going to the funeral. 

I'm not doing anything. 

I'm not can't console anyone.

And contrary to what my aunt suggested, I'm not going to drink to honor the memory of Jon, I haven't had anything for a month. Two months prior I hadn't drank anything for a 110 days.

I just going to sit back and wonder,.. If it's something else?

I think I have an answer, or maybe even the answer.

I miss Jon already.

Via the News:

http://www.kptv.com/story/26593230/search-under-way-for-hunter-missing-in-columbia-county

VERNONIA, OR (KPTV) -

The body of missing hunter Jon Hill of Hillsboro has been found. The Columbia County Sheriffs Office says a family friend assisting in the search made the sad discovery just after 5 p.m. Tuesday.

The body of Hill was found more than a mile from where deputies had previously found his pickup truck on Sunday afternoon.

Search-and-rescue crews from several counties had been searching for more than 50 hours for Hill.

Deputies said Hill went bow-hunting Saturday and never returned home Saturday night, as he had planned.

Hill's family members told deputies they spoke with Hill by phone Saturday night and again Sunday morning. They said he sounded disoriented. Family members also revealed that he had diabetes, but it's unknown if that contributed to his death.

Undersheriff Andy Moyer said in a statement: "Our hearts go out to the family and friends of Mr. Hill. We are glad he was found, although we are saddened by the fact he was not found alive."

Copyright 2014 KPTV-KPDX Broadcasting Corporation. All rights reserved.

http://www.katu.com/news/local/Missing-Hillsboro-hunter-found-dead-in-the-woods-by-family-friend-276961941.html

COLUMBIA COUNTY, Ore. – A hunter who had been missing since Saturday in Columbia County was found dead Tuesday night, the sheriff’s office said.

Hillsboro’s Jon Hill, 37, was found by a family friend who was helping with the search.

"Our hearts go out to the family and friends of Mr. Hill," said Columbia County 

undersheriff Andy Moyer said. "We are glad he was found, although we are saddened by the fact that he was not found alive." 

Hill was bow-hunting in the area ofNorth Fork Wolf Creek Rd. and Highway 26. He called his family with his cellphone twice Sunday morning, at 7 a.m. and again at 9:30 a.m. 

His family said he sounded confused and disoriented during the second call. 

His body was found off Highway 26 and Timber Rd., in what deputies described as rugged terrain.

http://www.kgw.com/story/news/local/2014/09/21/search-for-missing-hiker-under-way-near-vernonia/16018589/ 

VERNONIA, Ore. -- The third day of searching for a missing bow hunter ended Tuesday afternoon when his body was found by a family friend who was helping to search. 

The bow hunter was identified Monday morning as 37-year-old Jon Hill, of Hillsboro, according to the Washington County Sheriff's Office. 

His body was located around 5 p.m., more than a mile from where his truck was found Sunday afternoon. 

Dozens of people were involved in the search and posted fliers in the area. A National Guard helicopter also joined in the search. 

Hill went on a day hunt Saturday and called his family about 7 a.m. Sunday to report that he was lost, the sheriff's office said. 

Hill phoned again about 9:30 a.m. Searchers later tried to ping his cell phone but could not get through. His pickup was found during the search Sunday. 

Hill's family said he sounded disoriented when he called them. They were worried he may have suffered a medical problem. 

Searchers were focused on an area southwest of Vernonia, off of Timber Road. Making the search more difficult was the steep terrain and scrub left from prior logging. 

The man also was likely dressed in camouflaged clothing, officials said. 

Hill reportedly had some food and water when he set out for his trip, but only enough for one day.