2012年2月18日 Ivri or Jew?

There is a French woman whom I'll call "Patrice" mainly because she kind of reminds me of the character in Breathless. She is an attractive looking French women who is probably in her late 30's or early 40's. 

For some reason I had yet to see her at shul until just recently. Today I noticed she put on a noticeable amount of foundation and blush on, compared to the other times I've seen her. I usually have a hard time retaining eye contact with her because I have questions I want to ask her, among my repugnant questions about whether or not she wants to be familiar with "off-shore drilling". 

Does she want to be a Jew? If she's married, why doesn't her husband come? What told her that Judaism is her path? What happens if she does become a Jew? How will her family react? Does she know that you can't be a Jew alone? At least as far as I'm concerned Judaism is not about being alone, and it sure as shit isn't a hermitage. Christians, Buddhists, and everyone else can do their hermitages, but for Jews it's not happening.

Those questions are some things I think about when I see the types like her interested in Judaism and/or serious about converting to Judaism. Are they doing it because they are unhappy? Are they having a mid-life crisis, or is there really something missing that only Judaism can provide? Do they know what's missing before they come to shul? 

I can really only answer these questions for myself, but yet while I want to, I can't even imagine how difficult it is for Patrice. If I recall correctly she is married and with children, and yet from the way she talks she has no knowledge of Judaism other than what she reads. This means her husband and house is not Jewish. 

I wonder about whether or not my house is Jewish. In a technical sense I have been in a constant transitional period for about 10 years, so being asked or telling someone I have a "Jewish home" is somewhat of a misnomer. 

What does it mean to have a Jewish house? Traditions? I have none as I mentioned other than the ones I make. I personally find some solace and joy knowing I am paving my own way. Sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes it's difficult, but I believe the best part about it is that there is a degree of fun knowing that it is a challenge. Some days I am not sure if I can actually do it, others I think I can. I have never thought that being a Jew or wanting to be a Jew as something as just a task or a simple checklist, even though there are some checklist like things when wanting to convert. 

Confused?
Ask a rabbi!

As far as I'm concerned, wanting to be become a Jew is never something like "Oh I can do this." believing that only mundane or shallow problems lie ahead. It is a constant challenge and struggle of life, and life's wonders. Probably the most enjoyable part is the questions. Things go from, "I can do this!" to "Can I do this?" And not in the sense I ask for permission, but in the sense that it is a personal challenge of whether or not I have the will power and part of it is just accepting the massive difficulty of it.

Do I have the will power to love God?

Do I have the will power to fear and trust God?

Now while I can live to find out like most people, a short and quick Jewish answer to the questions I've presented is as simple as "Ask a rabbi." 

Personally I like the love God part, I find that it accommodates loving people too.

***

I was also told in the next week or few weeks my love-stick will be stabbed by a knife of some sort. Probably Rambo's knife (video here). According to Rambo when asked "What do you hunt with a knife?" the appropriate response is "Name it." This probably explains why penises end up being circumcised by knives. 

According to the guy conducting the ceremony he said it it no different pain wise than a diabetic's testing needle. I didn't have the heart to ask, "Is this knowledge from personal experience?" I'm not personally worried about pain, rather than how much the ceremony costs. Some people actually charge for this short (5 minutes or less) ceremony! After all the ceremonies are concluded I'll probably consider myself a Hebrew/Ivri rather than Jew, although Jew works too. I feel like I'm a horse being led to the racing stall.

2012年2月17日 Happy thoughts?

I read the other day that the only way to be happy is to remember the past. This might explain why I enjoy hanging out with old people when I'm not hanging out with my regular friends, because old people usually spend most of their time griping about politicians and reflecting on good things, or rather, things that made them feel good.

That might explain why I like repeating the same jokes over again.

If old jokes aren't funny, then why are most funny comedians balding or getting grey hairs?

However, even will all these happy things, there are somethings in life that genuinely depress me:

Old people are like children,
they require adult supervision
at all times

• Having my random playlist select anything from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness album by The Smashing Pumpkins, when I'm trying to watch porn. Shit you not, it's depressing to watch any videos where it shows a chick look right at the camera while By Starlight or Thirty-Three, or RHCP's Give it Away is playing in the background
• People who are angry and believe their anger is always excusable
• Old people who look confused with their mouth gaping
• Paying for social security and knowing I will never get it
• Being told that Babylon 5's story-line sucks, and that I should watch Deep Space 9
• Being told I can always make new friends, implying that the new ones can replace the old. Worse  than that is when statements like the prior are said by people who express individuality and uniqueness as great attributes of their characteristics.
• Getting dirty looks from people when I say chicken soup IS a breakfast meal
• Getting dirty looks from people right after I've taken a shower
• People who bought Justin Bieber anything
• Women who expect hugs from men they barely know
• Men who give those hugs, but refuse to hug their own parents/friends/family
• Black people who are vegetarians without religious reasons
• Being told that complaining is bad

Of course there are more, but frankly speaking those are just a few.
I think whenever I'm happy it's because I get to be with my friends and we don't really have to worry about anything other than being who we are as individuals. This also allows me to say repugnant jokes, which should never be negated under any circumstances.

So my happy memories?
Well if you were there then you probably know!

Otherwise it's

NOYFB.

2012年2月16日 Politicians and fishing

This man will take (and) molest,
in any manner at any time, your fish.
He also has a small penis.

I'm of the opinion that when politicians get bored they make laws about molesting fish.

I'm also of the opinion that when I get bored I read about those same laws and blog about them.

The following is from an ORS I found the other day reading about fisting fishing:

509.040 Small or immature salmon protected; exceptions; rules. (1) Any person who takes any immature salmon of any variety less than 20 inches in length, or any mature salmon of any variety less than 15 inches in length, by any means other than angling, shall immediately return such salmon alive to the water.

      (2) It is unlawful to:

    (a) Take, buy, sell or possess immature salmon less than 20 inches or mature salmon less than 15 inches in length, taken in any waters of this state, at any time or in any manner except by angling.

    (b) Take, molest, kill or injure, in any manner at any time, or expose for sale or have in possession, except for the purpose of propagation when authorized by law, any spawning salmon.

Surprisingly this no one has questioned law makers on that statute.

Apparently mature salmon are not protected against molestation...

Another one, this time from the great state of Florida...

379.405 Illegal molestation of or theft from freshwater fishing gear.—

(1)(a) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully molests any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

(b) Any person, firm, or corporation that willfully removes the contents of any authorized and lawfully permitted freshwater fishing gear belonging to another without the express written consent of the owner commits a Level Four violation under s. 379.401. Any written consent must be available for immediate inspection.

A person, firm, or corporation that receives a citation for a violation of this subsection is prohibited, immediately upon receipt of such citation and until adjudicated or convicted of a felony under this subsection, from transferring any endorsements.

Thanks Florida!

Yeah...

2012年2月15日 Drugs revisited

So earlier in the day CNN did an article about how former drug addicts are kicking their addiction with sports, which is like overcoming marijuana by taking up smoking. Not all "sports" are damaging, but eventually you'll see that improper training and other mistakes will lead to serious joint or other related issues as the applicant ages.

I personally believe that exercise can be a drug and an addiction. I also believe that most things in life, if not all things, should be done in moderation; however, I don't believe my idea of moderation works for everyone, just what you think is proper moderation for yourself.

From a guy whose
addicted to cookies...

There are a lot of health freaks who loathe everything, and everyone, who is less healthy than themselves, which is entertaining because eventually one's own genes will catch up with them, either that, car accidents or suicide bombers. No amount of running, cycling, cardio-workouts, face-fucking, fisting, boxing, or whatever is going to prevent death. Death happens. No amount of wishful thinking is going to get anyone through anything, especially without hope. I get irritated when I read these articles and I imagine kids in hospitals or in wheel-chairs or stuck on a couch because they're in so much pain from whatever disease or aliment. It's like this article is saying that "Only healthy people who can work out are allowed to feel good."

I suppose being limited in what I can do physically makes me frustrated when I see these articles like the one I read, but in reality it makes me feel better, because some people actually have to continue with taking drugs in one way or another. That same "high" effect, albeit slightly different than taking a drug, is still sought. You see it with runners when they have their own "high." It's like trading in a Ferrari (meth) for a Toyota Corolla (running). I'm sure marijuana is like a Winnebago. They're only trading one for another.

Ain't this shit the truth.

As for drugs themselves, I'm sure cocaine in moderation isn't problematic. Hell doctor's prescribe drugs all the time. I'm happy that my own feelings on these issues about feeling good or bad is seriously regulated to one thing alone, one single characteristic, which I believe is inherently human and breaks the limitations of biology and possible genes - unless genes contributed to it - and that is choice. I alone get to decide how "high" I want to be and whether or not I'm going to feel good about life or not. I can feel good and great mainly because I'm who I am.

The article can be found here, or below.

Denver (CNN) -- When Nick Nisbet says he once hit rock bottom, he means it. 

"I had a heroin overdose. I stopped breathing for too long, and I died. My heartbeat stopped and brain waves stopped," he said. "They had to jump-start me with the paddles." 

The 2006 episode finally persuaded Nisbet to kick his deadly drug habit. But getting clean -- and staying clean -- was a daunting proposition. 

"I'd tried to get sober many times," the 34-year-old said. "I tried the methadone clinic, I tried just cold turkey. But ... you need to fill the void with something." 

He tried 12-step meetings, but they depressed him. So when his girlfriend told him about Phoenix Multisport, a sober support community that offers free athletic activities, he agreed to check it out. 

"I reluctantly went, thinking it was just going to be a big waste of time," he said. "Turns out it was the best move I ever made in my life." 

Phoenix, named after the mythical bird that rises from its ashes, helped Nisbet rediscover his love of biking. It also connected him with other recovering addicts who wanted to be active. 

"They just make sure that you're staying sober and having fun doing it," he said. "It's the best support crew I could imagine having." 

More than 4,700 people have participated in Phoenix, which Scott Strode started in 2007. Most join the group because they've struggled with drug or alcohol addiction. 

"Life should be better once you get sober," said Strode, 38. "(We want to) help people build a new life, a new self-image and have fun without getting high." 

Strode developed his approach through hard-won personal experience. He started drinking when he was just 10 years old. By 15, he was using cocaine. 

His addictions intensified after college. One night, after a bender, he woke up on the bathroom floor. 

"Suddenly it dawned on me that if I didn't change things, I was going to overdose and that was going to be how my mother would find me," he said. 

He decided to give it all up for good. But that meant abandoning his entire social network, as everyone he knew was involved in drinking and drugs. 

Rising from the ashes 

"Overnight, your friends are gone, you're alone," he remembers. "It was a depressing first three months of recovery." 

Eventually Strode started working out at a boxing gym, and he later got involved with triathlons and climbing. These new activities kept him busy, and they also made him feel good.

"You start to believe you can succeed in whatever you do, whether that's your sobriety or ... crossing the finish line," he said. 

But for Strode, the most important factor was that many of the people he met through these activities were sober. With these friendships, he built a new support system. 

"It was surrounding myself with a group of people that would rather get up at 7 in the morning to climb a mountain than to stay up until 7 in the morning drinking and using," he said. "With influences like that, I just moved further away from the darkness of my addiction." 

In 2005, during a climbing trip, Strode realized that New Year's Eve had passed and he hadn't given so much as a thought to drugs or alcohol. He decided he wanted to share what he'd learned with others.  

A year later, Phoenix Multisport began offering programs in Boulder, Colorado. 

Phoenix offers around 50 programs every week, ranging from casual walks and yoga to mountain biking and ice climbing. Activities are led by field instructors, all of whom are in recovery and happy to show beginners the ropes.  

The organization provides the gear and also offers grants to help people purchase their own equipment. Nearly all events -- with the exception of overnight activities or ski trips -- are free. 

"It's a great way to introduce people into something that then later becomes ... sort of their coping mechanism, as opposed to picking up a drink or a drug, " Strode said. 

He notes that Phoenix isn't a substitute for any other recovery support program; in fact, many in the group are also in 12-step programs. But Strode believes the natural "high" that people get from Phoenix activities can be transformative. 

"Just getting the blood pumping again -- for a lot of our folks, it's been a long time since that's happened," he said. "The physical effects of exercise translate to your work, your family life, your belief in yourself." 

Anyone who has been sober for 48 hours is welcome to come to one of Phoenix's open sessions to participate in an activity and learn about the group.  

After attending several events, individuals are invited to join, provided they sign a pledge to treat everyone respectfully and stay sober. Some members are hard-core athletes, but the group welcomes people of all fitness levels. 

Most participants have never been active. 

Phoenix is now in four locations in Colorado: Boulder, Colorado Springs, Denver and Fort Carson, where the organization does outreach with veterans and active-duty military personnel.  

Strode would like to expand beyond Colorado later this year, and he hopes Phoenix will one day become a national program. 

Already, members can often be seen in their red-and-black Phoenix jerseys at competitions around the country. By being open about their sobriety, Strode hopes they're helping to reduce the stigma of addiction. 

"There's so much camaraderie, people often come up and ask us how they can join our club," he said. "We're having fun, and we're proud of being sober." 

Nisbet's pride in his sobriety is easy to spot. He sports tattoos on each finger to spell out "DRUG FREE." 

"I was proud to be Nick the heroin addict," he said. "When I stopped, I was just plain old boring Nick, I thought. ... Now I get my self-confidence by being able to go out and run a marathon or riding my bike for 100 miles. I like having that identity, as the guy that can do endurance sports. It feels good." 

Now married, Nisbet wants to set a good example for his 10-month-old son old by graduating from college. Just recently, he got a new tattoo to cover up one that he got when he was using. The design? A colorful phoenix. For him, the symbolism means a lot. 

"Anytime I look down and see (it), it's rising, so ... no more muttering around," he said. "Life is way too short to waste it doing drugs."

2012年2月14日 T4T: St. Valentine's Day

Two (posts) For Tuesday!

Anytime there is a holiday that isn't Jewish and it has other religious origins the debate in terms of whether or not to celebrate it is an issue for me. This issue is even more problematic with Russian Jews who have a "New Year's Tree", which is basically a Christmas Tree. Regardless of Christmas or Valentine's Day, I am always pissed off when people have their religious holidays compete with one another.

With that in mind, I never celebrate any holiday on my own volition if it is of religious origin and not a Jewish holiday. Yes, if I'm invited to a Christmas party, I might go, but I will not participate in giving gifts, or prayer. Every time this happens I remind myself of some questions, and while I never saw the following until today, I did keep some of the questions in mind, albeit the phrasing isn't my own.

1. Does the debated activity have a secular origin or value?
2. Can one rationally explain the behavior or ritual apart from the gentile holiday or event?
3.  If there are idolatrous origins, have they disappeared?
4. Are the activities actually consistent with Jewish tradition?

- Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, Poland, 1520-1572) who explains that there are four criteria that must be met in order to permit Jewish celebration of rituals initiated by Gentiles (Rama Y.D. 178:1 as interpreted by Rabbi Michael Broyde).

Do I feel like I'm missing out?
Not at all.

What single people do
as a response to VD
(I mean the holiday)

I don't feel this way because Christmas is a loose tradition, and because it's so loose to me it's easy to abandon and move on. The fact that Christmas was a loose tradition made it even more alien when celebrating it, and that goes for the rest of religious holidays outside of Jewish ones. I'm tried of celebrating holidays that make me feel like shit and alien when I participate, I end up being more miserable than I was without the holiday. I have spent at least 8-12 Christmases without family, and/or without the Christmas spirit.

The only phrase to get single people
out of participating in bullshit holidays.

So of course even though one of my exes sent me chocolate overseas for Valentine's Day, while we were in a long-distance relationship, I was still miserable and frustrated. One day of the year to say and show how much you love another person? How about doing a little bit everyday? Are we supposed to care because we give, or do we give because we care? That last question is a serious one that I will probably examine in my next relationship, because if someone cards because they gave they assume a certain degree of purchasing power or ownership over what they gave (time, money, etc). I don't want anyone to have purchasing power over me, or me over anyone else. It negates freedom of choice. And if you can't choose to love someone, then what's the fucking point?

Thankfully, the fun part is that I get to choose my own traditions now, but in reality that's how it's always was, I just didn't know it until I woke up.

2012年2月14日 Structures

Yesterday someone told me that a person should be happy when they have security and a structured life. I'm always amazed to hear this from atheists or religious extremists. Sometimes no matter what the structure is it doesn't make us happy, even though at times it does here or there. I would associate that "here or there" feeling with pleasure, which means it constantly has to be refreshed. Pleasure is always fleeting and never accommodates the depth of quiet contemplation, or dialog reflecting on the past.

***

I remember several trips to zoos and parks. Days that were supposed to be meaningful. Sometimes there was pleasure, but when I think about those times I don't really feel anything. With other instances yes, but of course it was a totally different feeling to begin with. Dates I went on, at least the ones I can remember, didn't have the depth that other, simpler things in life had. 

Long conversations with Dapl, or rather long monologues (6+ hours) from Dapl as he sat on the couch drinking. Sauna talk with Fozzjnen, drunkin'-chess-fight-clubin'-life's-bureaucracy-KILL-IT-DEATH-METAL: Jazz bitches PERKELE. Fig and I playing verbal tennis about life and what it means, and no one has or wants any points (gotta love tennis). Getting drunk and quoting lines from Office Space with Wainwright, fuckin' A. The ghost voice of Grillman: a disembodied voice to watch my own shadows. Staying up late counting cards while listening to Roy Orbison with Krimull, and of course downloading massive of amounts of porn, printing endless pages for insertion into large binders. I think that was while we were in middle school. Tennis scores, porn, conversation, beer, contemplation... What else is there? Of course God allows these things to fit somehow...

Would I take those things away?
Nope.

This place looks secure

Would I trade that for a structured life?
No.
A life with security? 

I don't know.
Would it make me happier? 

Probably not.

I could tell you what it means. I don't think you'd understand. How can I describe to you what it was and will be? It is what will be? Isn't it?

Am I less myself when I try to understand myself? I don't know. Or am I more? I don't know. Should I know who I am? I want to know. Who really knows who I am, outside of myself? I want to know.

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

Fuck you Franklin.

What is liberty? What does it mean to have emotional or spiritual liberty? Certainly some structured foundations could accommodate this on a case by case basis, but I could also show how one without structure could also have liberty.

***

Nothing looked normal,
but it never was anyhow.

I woke up sometime later. Damp and in pain, I tried to straighten my leg. It refused to cooperate so I felt around for my bag. I smelled like cheap booze and vomit. Though there was the after taste of it, I didn't see any vomit on my clothes or nearby. I recognized my location, because I was along side of large grove of blackberry bushes near my house. I shrugged smiling and stood up. My shoes were totally soaked, even though I didn't wake up in any mud or water puddles.

After walking about half a block I couldn't even remember if I woke up in or near the blackberry bushes. My hands were lightly bruised, and in pain from the cold. They smelled like smoke. For a moment I thought the situation was entertaining. I caught myself smiling to no one. I'm sure God watches.

I got home. Nothing looked normal, but it never was anyhow. Everything in white, outside of a few things. Of course nothing moved or looked mutated, but the absence of life gave the rooms a different look. The lifelessness still retained character and identity, just as the living-dead are not living, but still retain identity.

I took what felt like the longest 5 minutes shower, and drank two glasses of water.

The mirror frowned at me, and I stuck my tongue out at it. From a small portion of the mirror I saw a friend that I left in the hallway. Without looking away from the mirror the lights flicked off.

I woke up a few hours later on a bus to work. Or home? I couldn't remember which one it was. The other passengers looked like reptiles, always staring. Only blinking every so often. My eyes felt heavy, and I went back to sleep.

Waking up again, I missed my stop.

No driver, no passengers. everything was off and dark.
Someone or something from outside the bus said, "You should have expected me."
It wasn't a yell, but it wasn't a happy sounding voice either.
I felt around for my things. They were missing.
I hurried off the bus cautiously looking around for an ambush. It never came, and I didn't see anyone.

There was a bar nearby. As I opening the door it noticed a bright light on my face, from some kind of flashlight. When the light was gone, so was the bar.

I was outside again, damp and cold.
I recognized my location, because I was along side of large row of rose bushes near my house.
I took a rose and put it in my pocket. Then I smiled and stood up.

2012年2月13日 I hate work and it makes me a racist

Today I listen to the Portland police department's dispatch over the internet with my right ear - (here), - I keep the left open. I read the news and I wonder about life. Today like most days, we have customers, or rather, I have customers. Today's people come in, and they're mostly eastern Asian looking. That doesn't irritate me, what irritates me is how they never respond when I say "Hello" or acknowledge their presence. No raising of eyes-brows to acknowledge me, or them glancing at me so I can do it. No glance or nod, no wave of hands. Nothing!

Most wear hooded sweaters and as they scurry towards the computers, ignoring the rest of the world. Their movements are more detached than that of a strung out whore on Efukt. You know what I'm talking about, it's those whores in porn who do that 8-ball of meth, lest they have nightmares of when their "step-dad," the whore code-word for biological dad, did stuff to them as an adolescent.

So back to Asians. I personally don't have a problem with them, but I'm constantly irritated at the hive mentality of some of them. Eventually I'm just going to look at them all under one huge discriminating filter. The exact same way I look at the extremist black-hat Hasidim in Israel and nasty-Palestinians here. I can see it now: the Palestinians here get what they want and next thing you know all I see is women constantly being choked to "Allahu Akbar." Said really slowly. That and shitty sounds of ezan in the morning.

Anyway here's some videos.

They're short videos (30 seconds each?) so watch'em.

But how can those Palestinians even get what they want, when they get some stupid bitch talking about "martyrs"? And most of those who are "martyrs" probably can't even read above a 4rd grade level. I actually can't tell the difference between her message and dueling banjos.

And look at those black-hats dance! I swear, replace that music with something from DDR, add some drugs, glow-sticks, and black-lights and it's a rave! It's no wonder people don't fuck around with ultra-orthodox Jews. These guys can bust a move. Although I'm not sure if I posted this already... :\ ...Fuck it.

Again I digress. But damn those Asians do piss me off sometimes. Maybe it's my job, like most jobs, if you aren't in a "boss" or mid-level position you're not taken as someone who knows the ins and outs of procedures. Either way, without actually asking an employee a person (or apathetic Asian) doesn't really know the truth, and this applies to me as well. But it's not stopping me from looking down on them condescendingly when they treat me like shit or a fellow hive-worker (i.e. shit times two). Maybe it's because they don't push in their chairs, or they don't have those in Asian households. I'm sure it's because we all know chairs are for civilized people.

Reverse race card